It's so funny when we let our imaginations roam wild. I found this two short animations frigging hilarious. And I noticed one thing that really helps comedians - when they use real life circumstances and add colors to it or just put it out in the funniest way they can.
Ever thought of dancing with a chick in a wheelchair? Or what's your opinion of eating with little children with all their little hands going into your food and with them drooling spit all over you?
Watch these...real funny stuff.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Acid Rain And The Mystery Fog
A few days ago, I got a forwarded email from a yahoogroup of which I was a member. The topic caught my attention. It was a mail warning of a forthcoming Acid rain that would soon hit the streets.
I was incensed on getting this mail. In all my webtime spent on the internet, I’ve come to realize the myriads of fake alarms circulated via the internet by some scare junkies. So coming across a mail like this got me really skeptical about the whole issue.
But then a number of happenings got me wondering whether there could be some truth in this matter.
First of all, the controversy surrounding Chemtrails.
If you happen to be outdoor at anytime of the day and you saw an aircraft flying across the sky and leaving behind a long trail of smoke which doesn’t fade away easily, chances are that you’ve just spotted a Chemtrail. What it’s supposed to have been is a Contrail. But while Contrails are just a matter of smoking planes of which the trail of smoke doesn’t stay long in the air, Chemtrails stay longer in the air and still get to be vividly noticed than a Contrail.
And Chemtrails are known to be chemicals sprayed in the air for some diabolic reason. It’s equally a method used for biological warfare too. And then some evil people who probably want to create an artificial disease so that they can sell the cure and make money or just reduce population would consider doing it this way.
Here in Lagos, I happened to notice a Chemtrail once and wondered what on earth it was being sprayed for. But that was nothing compared the numerous ones reported in different places in the US. (Google and see for reference).
A couple of years ago, Lagosians awoke to discover that the whole of Lagos was foggy. The problem was that it was not yet Harmattan season and this particular fog had a peppery sensation to the eyes. It was a scary situation but later it was discovered that a chemical from somewhere had leaked into the atmosphere. Till today, no one can really pinpoint the genesis of that strange mist.
Now I woke up this morning to discover that everywhere had suddenly gone foggy and Harmattan was still far off. The Rainy season which came before Harmattan had not even started fully. The cars in our compound had gone dusty overnight. I thought it was because of something that got burnt somewhere and smoked through the atmosphere.
It was not until midday while at work that everybody noticed that it was still foggy and word was beginning to go round that the rumoured Acid rain would soon hit.
I had to question whether it was that easy.
I went online searching information on Acid Rain and came across stuff that debunked the whole rumour.
According to an article from a citizen focused NGO:
The so-called “acid rain” issue has been used for many years to press for more regulations and restrictions on the activities of citizens throughout America. Alarmists claim that acid rain has wiped out fish in many lakes and streams, destroyed forests, ruined crops and buildings, and that it poses a serious threat to human health. What is referred to as “acid rain” is simply rain that has absorbed airborne particles from both natural and manmade sources. Although some groups continue to try to scare Americans with stories of acid rain, scientific evidence shows that these stories are greatly exaggerated.
The truth is that after a decade of research, scientists have concluded that the so-called threat of acid rain is largely nonexistent.
With that, I could conclude that the acid rain theory was just another cock and bull scare tactic.
But what about the strange fog that’s currently pervading Lagos as at the time of this post?
Is the weather going crazy, has there been another chemical accident or somebody is just playing diabolic games?
But what about the strange fog that’s currently pervading Lagos as at the time of this post?
Is the weather going crazy, has there been another chemical accident or somebody is just playing diabolic games?
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Chronicles X - Dead Men 3
Tola’s eyes seemed to burn as her gaze settled on the unsettled men surrounding her. She stopped laughing just as abruptly as she had started.
Ike was rattled by her strange outburst but he wasn’t going to give in to what he thought was a reverse psychology trick.
‘What’s funny?’ he barked, fondling the pistol more tightly and threateningly.
‘Nothing. I just felt sorry for you all.’ Her voice had suddenly gone from being confident to being deadly cold and menacing.
She began to undress.
They watched her; each one of them beginning to doubt if this was really a good idea. There was just something unnerving about the way she was going about it.
Tola finished undressing and lay down on her bed, her face brazen and emotionless.
‘Who’s first?’ She asked.
Emma looked at the others. Nobody moved. He hissed and began to pull off his jeans. If these guys were too mesmerized by this whore, they can stand there for all he cared.
Soon he was on her panting like a he-goat. He tried to look into her eyes but he couldn’t. Emma could be senseless at times but in this instance, he couldn’t help notice that there was something strange about the way the whole episode was going.
His initiative to make the first move encouraged the others and one by one, they had their turns on Tola.
By the time they had all had their turns on her, they sat about the room, trying to regain back their strength.
Tola sat up and hissed.
‘Is that all you can do? You’re a bunch of weaklings!’
Ike gasped, Jide’s mouth fell open behind his bandana, Emma farted accidentally.
This was supposed to be a rape scene but she didn’t look like she was being raped. It looked more like they were being raped.
She lay there like nothing had happened and they sat there, all out of breath, wondering if they had accomplished the task they came for.
Her taunt was just too much for Ike. He got up and raped her again. The others followed suit; all desperate to defend their manhood.
By the time they were finished, all of them were out of breath and very exhausted.
Tola sat up once again and berated them as weaklings.
This was too much for Emma who had a short fuse and serious complex. He got up and smacked her across the face once.
‘That’s for opening your big mouth.’ he snarled.
Then he smacked her again.
‘That’s for the knife cut you gave me!’
Jide held him before he could do more damage.
Tola held one side of her face in pain. There were tears in her eyes but it wasn’t for the pain, it was for rage.
Again she suddenly remembered what had happened earlier in the day and brightened up.
She watched her exhausted assailants as they gathered their strength back and prepared to leave.
Jide searched round the flat to make sure they didn’t leave behind anything that could incriminate them. His eye caught her bag lying on the floor with its contents spilled out.
He picked it up and began to put all the content back in. He stopped at a rolled piece of paper and out of curiosity glanced at it.
The men heard him gasp as the bag dropped from his hand and hit the floor.
‘What is it?’ Ike asked walking over to him.
Tola suddenly began to chuckle.
Jide’s trembling hand stretched out the paper to Ike.
Ike grabbed it and looked the content.
It was a hospital lab report addressed to Tola. She had been diagnosed with the HIV virus and two other STDs.
Tola’s burst into laughter again and it echoed in his ears as he fainted out of shock.
One by one they all saw the report and were instantly reduced to ghosts of themselves.
Emma sat down exasperatedly on the floor, the huge dude put his two beefy arms on his head in woe, one guy bit his finger as his life rushed past him in fast forward while the other guy paced to and fro in heated anxiety. Jide stood frozen on the spot, looking with dread at the woman that had passed the death sentence on them.
Some years later, I met Tola. She was looking healthy but was no longer the same Tola I knew in my department back in school. She was now a born again Christian and took God seriously. I don’t know the state of her health now but all I can say is that she keeps looking healthier each passing day. God must have been merciful on her.
As for Ike and his gang, to this day no one knows what became of them.
The End
Ike was rattled by her strange outburst but he wasn’t going to give in to what he thought was a reverse psychology trick.
‘What’s funny?’ he barked, fondling the pistol more tightly and threateningly.
‘Nothing. I just felt sorry for you all.’ Her voice had suddenly gone from being confident to being deadly cold and menacing.
She began to undress.
They watched her; each one of them beginning to doubt if this was really a good idea. There was just something unnerving about the way she was going about it.
Tola finished undressing and lay down on her bed, her face brazen and emotionless.
‘Who’s first?’ She asked.
Emma looked at the others. Nobody moved. He hissed and began to pull off his jeans. If these guys were too mesmerized by this whore, they can stand there for all he cared.
Soon he was on her panting like a he-goat. He tried to look into her eyes but he couldn’t. Emma could be senseless at times but in this instance, he couldn’t help notice that there was something strange about the way the whole episode was going.
His initiative to make the first move encouraged the others and one by one, they had their turns on Tola.
By the time they had all had their turns on her, they sat about the room, trying to regain back their strength.
Tola sat up and hissed.
‘Is that all you can do? You’re a bunch of weaklings!’
Ike gasped, Jide’s mouth fell open behind his bandana, Emma farted accidentally.
This was supposed to be a rape scene but she didn’t look like she was being raped. It looked more like they were being raped.
She lay there like nothing had happened and they sat there, all out of breath, wondering if they had accomplished the task they came for.
Her taunt was just too much for Ike. He got up and raped her again. The others followed suit; all desperate to defend their manhood.
By the time they were finished, all of them were out of breath and very exhausted.
Tola sat up once again and berated them as weaklings.
This was too much for Emma who had a short fuse and serious complex. He got up and smacked her across the face once.
‘That’s for opening your big mouth.’ he snarled.
Then he smacked her again.
‘That’s for the knife cut you gave me!’
Jide held him before he could do more damage.
Tola held one side of her face in pain. There were tears in her eyes but it wasn’t for the pain, it was for rage.
Again she suddenly remembered what had happened earlier in the day and brightened up.
She watched her exhausted assailants as they gathered their strength back and prepared to leave.
Jide searched round the flat to make sure they didn’t leave behind anything that could incriminate them. His eye caught her bag lying on the floor with its contents spilled out.
He picked it up and began to put all the content back in. He stopped at a rolled piece of paper and out of curiosity glanced at it.
The men heard him gasp as the bag dropped from his hand and hit the floor.
‘What is it?’ Ike asked walking over to him.
Tola suddenly began to chuckle.
Jide’s trembling hand stretched out the paper to Ike.
Ike grabbed it and looked the content.
It was a hospital lab report addressed to Tola. She had been diagnosed with the HIV virus and two other STDs.
Tola’s burst into laughter again and it echoed in his ears as he fainted out of shock.
One by one they all saw the report and were instantly reduced to ghosts of themselves.
Emma sat down exasperatedly on the floor, the huge dude put his two beefy arms on his head in woe, one guy bit his finger as his life rushed past him in fast forward while the other guy paced to and fro in heated anxiety. Jide stood frozen on the spot, looking with dread at the woman that had passed the death sentence on them.
Some years later, I met Tola. She was looking healthy but was no longer the same Tola I knew in my department back in school. She was now a born again Christian and took God seriously. I don’t know the state of her health now but all I can say is that she keeps looking healthier each passing day. God must have been merciful on her.
As for Ike and his gang, to this day no one knows what became of them.
The End
© Lolu Kush (Afronuts) - Story
© Kimson Masters - Illustrations
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Chronicles X - Dead Men 2
Three young men had been waiting for her in her room.
It wasn’t a new thing for a man to wait for Tola in her room since she had male acquaintances who were always informed ahead of time of where she kept the extra key. It was nothing new yet something about these guys was not right. They were positioned about the room as if they had been expecting her and their faces were half covered in handkerchiefs or bandanas. Two of them looked familiar but she couldn’t be sure. The third guy was the scariest of them all because of his huge and muscular size, he had to be a body builder, probably a Physical Ed student.
The men said nothing and watched her with glee as she cringed on seeing them. She began to retrace her steps. She just might have the opportunity to make it out through the door before they got to her.
Her right heel hit the fallen knife and quickly she swooped down, grabbed it and made to get out through the door. It was then she saw why the bushes outside had been rustling.
Ike, Jide and Emma with their faces half covered in bandanas emerged from the bushes and quickly blocked her way out. Ike and Jide moved forward steadily. Emma thrust forward ahead of them, enthusiastic about getting down to business.
If he had been steady like the others he probably would have seen that she had a knife in her hand but he was too blinded by the desire to do some collateral damage.
Tola moved swiftly to the side, the knife deftly held downwards.
Emma crashed into the door post and felt a sharp pain on his right arm. He grabbed it and felt his ripped shirt sleeve and the warmth of his blood trickle in between his fingers. He cursed filled with intense rage and pain, turned to attack her again but Ike stopped him.
‘Enough!’ Ike barked jerking him aside and facing Tola himself.
He looked at her from head to toe and smiled.
‘You shouldn’t do that, you know’ He said in a calm tone.
Tola said nothing but just waved the knife maniacally at him.
Ike reached behind his back and drew out a small black pistol. He waved it before her.
‘See? I’m in command here. And you’ll do as I say.’
Tola’s confidence suddenly ebbed away as quickly as a cube of sugar would dissolve in a glass of water. Ike pointed the gun at her and instructed her to drop the knife.
As soon as she did, Jide grabbed her from behind and shoved her inside the apartment.
The other three guys waiting in the room were at alert and obviously awaiting Ike’s orders.
This indicated clearly that Ike was the leader of the group.
‘What do you want with me?’ Tola said, fighting hard to resurrect the confidence that had died within.
‘They say you’re a hard nut to crack.’ Ike began.
‘Yeah. That you never give in to any guy on campus.’ Jide put in.
‘It’s like no dude on campus is ever good enough for you, if he’s not some loaded aristo*.’ The muscular jock added.
‘And we’ve come here to prove you’re nothing but just another statistic’, Ike said checking the safety catch on the gun.
Tola looked astonished rather than scared.
‘And how in the world do you intend to do that?’ she asked in neutral tone. She was doing a good job of hiding the little bit of fear that was creeping into her voice.
‘Oh, you’ll find out soon enough’, Emma said with a wicked snicker playing on his face.
‘Take off your clothes.’ Ike said in a cool yet deadly tone.
‘Never!’ Tola snarled back viciously.
Ike looked at her, his eyes narrowed as his brow knitted together in an angry frown above the sweat soaked bandana covering half his face.
‘Guys…take her clothes off!’ He suddenly barked.
In that instant they advanced towards menacingly her.
Tola broke into cold sweat as she watched them draw closer to her. Then all of a sudden she remembered what had happened earlier in the day and brightened up.
‘Okay. I’ll do it.’ She said.
Ike wasn’t sure he heard right. She repeated herself, and immediately he ordered the boys to stop.
Tola straightened herself up and walked into their centre. The fear was suddenly gone; the confidence that always synchronized with her catwalk was back in her and so alive that for an instant, Ike nearly had a rethink about what they were about to do.
‘You!’ she barked at Emma, ‘Go and bolt the door.’
Emma found himself scurrying to do her bidding. He cursed underneath his breath. He couldn’t believe he was taking orders from a woman.
She looked at all of them and started chuckling. Then she burst into laughter.
The guys all suddenly became uneasy. What was she up to?
It wasn’t a new thing for a man to wait for Tola in her room since she had male acquaintances who were always informed ahead of time of where she kept the extra key. It was nothing new yet something about these guys was not right. They were positioned about the room as if they had been expecting her and their faces were half covered in handkerchiefs or bandanas. Two of them looked familiar but she couldn’t be sure. The third guy was the scariest of them all because of his huge and muscular size, he had to be a body builder, probably a Physical Ed student.
The men said nothing and watched her with glee as she cringed on seeing them. She began to retrace her steps. She just might have the opportunity to make it out through the door before they got to her.
Her right heel hit the fallen knife and quickly she swooped down, grabbed it and made to get out through the door. It was then she saw why the bushes outside had been rustling.
Ike, Jide and Emma with their faces half covered in bandanas emerged from the bushes and quickly blocked her way out. Ike and Jide moved forward steadily. Emma thrust forward ahead of them, enthusiastic about getting down to business.
If he had been steady like the others he probably would have seen that she had a knife in her hand but he was too blinded by the desire to do some collateral damage.
Tola moved swiftly to the side, the knife deftly held downwards.
Emma crashed into the door post and felt a sharp pain on his right arm. He grabbed it and felt his ripped shirt sleeve and the warmth of his blood trickle in between his fingers. He cursed filled with intense rage and pain, turned to attack her again but Ike stopped him.
‘Enough!’ Ike barked jerking him aside and facing Tola himself.
He looked at her from head to toe and smiled.
‘You shouldn’t do that, you know’ He said in a calm tone.
Tola said nothing but just waved the knife maniacally at him.
Ike reached behind his back and drew out a small black pistol. He waved it before her.
‘See? I’m in command here. And you’ll do as I say.’
Tola’s confidence suddenly ebbed away as quickly as a cube of sugar would dissolve in a glass of water. Ike pointed the gun at her and instructed her to drop the knife.
As soon as she did, Jide grabbed her from behind and shoved her inside the apartment.
The other three guys waiting in the room were at alert and obviously awaiting Ike’s orders.
This indicated clearly that Ike was the leader of the group.
‘What do you want with me?’ Tola said, fighting hard to resurrect the confidence that had died within.
‘They say you’re a hard nut to crack.’ Ike began.
‘Yeah. That you never give in to any guy on campus.’ Jide put in.
‘It’s like no dude on campus is ever good enough for you, if he’s not some loaded aristo*.’ The muscular jock added.
‘And we’ve come here to prove you’re nothing but just another statistic’, Ike said checking the safety catch on the gun.
Tola looked astonished rather than scared.
‘And how in the world do you intend to do that?’ she asked in neutral tone. She was doing a good job of hiding the little bit of fear that was creeping into her voice.
‘Oh, you’ll find out soon enough’, Emma said with a wicked snicker playing on his face.
‘Take off your clothes.’ Ike said in a cool yet deadly tone.
‘Never!’ Tola snarled back viciously.
Ike looked at her, his eyes narrowed as his brow knitted together in an angry frown above the sweat soaked bandana covering half his face.
‘Guys…take her clothes off!’ He suddenly barked.
In that instant they advanced towards menacingly her.
Tola broke into cold sweat as she watched them draw closer to her. Then all of a sudden she remembered what had happened earlier in the day and brightened up.
‘Okay. I’ll do it.’ She said.
Ike wasn’t sure he heard right. She repeated herself, and immediately he ordered the boys to stop.
Tola straightened herself up and walked into their centre. The fear was suddenly gone; the confidence that always synchronized with her catwalk was back in her and so alive that for an instant, Ike nearly had a rethink about what they were about to do.
‘You!’ she barked at Emma, ‘Go and bolt the door.’
Emma found himself scurrying to do her bidding. He cursed underneath his breath. He couldn’t believe he was taking orders from a woman.
She looked at all of them and started chuckling. Then she burst into laughter.
The guys all suddenly became uneasy. What was she up to?
To be continued...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Chronicles X - Dead Men
A gust of wind blew through the campus grounds on a Saturday evening, picking up all manner of dead leaves littered across the academic landscape. Like some mythical spirit, it seemed to give life to the leaves as they became airborne, jetting through slight billowing clouds of hardly seen dust.
The gust became stronger and picked more strength from a quadrangle area housing a gathering of trees that stood next to where the powerful faculty structures lay in an impressive architectural layout.
As it approached one of the buildings, the gust lost its momentum and gradually died out a few meters from where three young men, Ike, Jide and Emma stood.
Ike watched the gust as it ebbed away into nothingness.
‘Evil spirit’, he mumbled, his gaze fixated on the last spot where the gust had vanished.
‘What?’ asked Jide who stood next to him.
‘That wind carrying dust and leaves…did you see it?’
‘What’s wrong with it?’ Jide asked again, propping up his face cap.
‘I was once told that it was a sign of the presence of an evil spirit.’
Jide and Emma burst in laughter.
‘You watch too much Nigerian home videos’, Emma put in.
Ike ignored the statement. He checked his watch and sighed.
‘Ike, you sure this girl will show?’ Jide asked impatiently.
‘She’ll show. She always passes this route to the staff quarters’
‘I still wonder why she chose to live in the staff quarters. No chick without a ride in her right mind would live there alone.’ said Emma.
‘Unfortunately there are many girls who are not in their right minds living there. And you know it’s all about the status; you’re a big girl if you live in the quarters.’
Jide added not surprised to hear Emma speak like that.
Emma lacked insight due to his lack of exposure. The only thing the guy seemed to have going for him was his ability to smash a bottle over someone’s head when he lost his cool. Yes, Emma was very violent when angered despite the fact that he wore a geeky pair of shades. Jide still wondered how he managed to get into their group. Maybe it was because his Dad was loaded.
‘Shhh! Here she comes’, Ike whispered.
They had been standing in a lobby leading into the faculty of arts which on a normal lecture day would have students scattered around in groups. Today being a weekend was different. There were fewer students around and only six were present around the lobby at this time – Ike and his friends, a couple some distance away, and the approaching young lady; their main objective for being there.
They watched as she cat-walked sensually down along the gangway terrace into the lobby. She wore a red cleavage-baring jumper on top of a white mini – skirt with slits on one side. Her white block high heels hit the pavement in quick calculated sequence with every step she took.
Though her strut was filled with confidence, her face, highlighted by her thickly arched eyebrows and complemented with a glossy red lipstick, bore a disturbed expression.
For her, this issue wasn’t a serious one to worry about; at least not for now.
She had grown up in an army barracks under parents who were both in the army - a tough upbringing of which the consequence was her fearlessness.
The evening sky by now had become partially dark. Crickets resumed their nightly routine of chirping loudly from the bushes. Far away, a dog barked about three times then remained silent. From inside the wet gutters, frogs and toads began to croak in competition.
Tola slowed down her walking pace as she approached the junction that turned into her street. She popped a gum into her mouth and chewed vigorously making the gum snap.
For a moment she thought she heard a rustle in the bushes. She cocked her ear to listen for a while but heard nothing. She continued her walk into a driveway, went round her landlord’s house and made for the boys quarters where she lived.
Again she thought she heard a rustle in the bushes. She reached into her bag and brought out a dangerously sharp hunting knife – a souvenir she had gotten from her brother on his return from the NDA. She looked around, checking to see if there was anything out of place near her dwelling.
Everything seemed okay.
She brought out her keys, opened the door and entered her mini flat. She locked the door, groped in the dark for the light switch and flicked it on.
She froze as the light picked up a scary spectacle before her. Her throat suddenly went dry and the scream that struggled to come out of her was so choked to death by fright that all that came out through her lips was just a loud gasp.
The knife dropped from her hand and hit the floor with a tinkling sound that seemed to echo into the dead of the night…
To be continued...