The Kush Chronicles

Strong Face for Wedding - What happen?

2012-01-24T08:25:00.000-08:00

I was watching a VIP wedding on one of these TV magazine programmes a few years ago. The couple was obviously highly placed because of the caliber of individuals at the wedding ceremony. Their wedding ride was a Hummer owned by Dayo ‘D-One’ Adeneye, a popular TV show host. The wedding was lavish and you could see the bride all in smiles and so happy. But the groom wore a straight face and contrasted all the happiness blowing about him.

Was that his nature? I found it hard to believe.

Why do many grooms ‘bone’ on their wedding day? Are they pissed they finally got caught and tied down by their bride? Are they just scared of what lies ahead?

Then I watched Bridal Plasty – the reality show where brides are selected for a complete makeover. This fat bride underwent a complete makeover that included liposuction and tummy tuck. Eventually, she came out looking shapely and beautiful…

Still the groom wore a flat face as his super gorgeous bride walked down the aisle towards him. It was as if he was scared shitless about taking that big step, as if someone had told him to get married at gunpoint.

With all the money, with all the make-over for a better looking bride, these guys still don’t muster a smile or seem that happy.

And I’ve attended many weddings were I see the same scenario.

This is not to say that there aren’t men who are happy on their wedding days. I’ve seen weddings where the groom is so excited, it dwarfs his brides happiness. I once attended one where the groom did a street dance which included headspin, moonwalk and the split. He wowed the guests and made his bride blush with pride.

In my own case I was in the happy category, because my overly-careful parents who didn’t agree so easily eventually agreed to my choice of wife.

2012 begins...and I'm late about it. lol!

2012-01-24T04:19:00.000-08:00

Okay...I have been too late in making an official post for the new year. In fact I got too lazy to highlight issues concerning the recent strike.

Oh what the hell...at least I'm here opening the blog for the new year.

This is one year that's loaded with intense surprises...(and I'm not talking about Boko Haram bomb explosions!). Its going to be a GLORIOUS year.

So I say offiicially to you all from The Kush Chronicles...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Last Post for the Year 2011

2011-12-31T02:08:00.000-08:00

Today marks the last day of the year 2011. Its been a totally awesome year of unlimited breakthroughs for me. Its been most memorable for a number of things most importantly the following:

1. The arrival of my first son and second child, A.Y.

With elder sister Timi @ 3 months

With his elder sister Timi @ 7 months

2. My Kid brother's wedding

3. My Dad's ordination as a Deacon in church.

4. My Bro-in-law gains admission into Landmark University
and becomes an outstanding student

There are many others which can't be pictorially represented. I had been bugging my mind over what to make of this last post and entry for the year until I came across this video by google seems like the best way to sum it all up. Though it may not have covered exactly everything, but the major fact here is that We made it through 2011...and for that I'm so grateful to God.

See you in 2012!

Driving in Lagos 101

2011-12-28T04:57:00.000-08:00

Every Nigerian who's ever lived in Lagos knows the streets and motorists are CRAZY. So I got this hilarious list some time back which I never remembered to post. Well...the holiday season seems like a good time for this to be put up! Get educated...and LOL your head off.

1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)

3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!

26. HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.

27. Don't take everything on this list too seriously!

Images Sources
Toonpool.com
Jamaicanpolice.com
Davegranlund.com
nigeriaplus.com
cartoonaday.com

5 Similarities Between Beer And Football

2011-12-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

Warning! You might find this post offensive if you are a soccer or beer lover!

So don't blast me for airing my opinion...lol!

People seemed to be under the spell of these two subject matters. I remember the day some guys invited me to drink with them and when I told them I don't drink they looked at me as if i had committed abomination and affirmed that I was not a 'guy'. (What ever the hell that meant!)

Then one day I'm seated at my desk and someone walks in and on seeing a match playing on the office TV asks me what I think about the match played between 'this team' and 'that team'. I told him I'm not into football and he looked at me as if I had made a sacriledgious statement. He even proded another guy to tell him 'Can you believe that he's not into football?'

That pissed me off. Seriously...what is the big deal with football? Why is it a do or die affair?

It got me thinking strongly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that soccer was just as pointless as alcohol with this list.

1. Both have ‘shrines’ where they are worshipped by loyalists. Visit beer parlours after work hours and you’re bound to see devotees of the green and brown bottles sitting at tables and engaging in the periodic ritual of alcohol consumption. Visit any soccer viewing centre during any Nigerian match or during the leagues or premierships, or just check out any shop that has a TV on display showing the match, you’ll find people glued to the screen and chattering over facts of the game like nothing mattered more in the world.

2. Both have nasty consequences when taken to the extreme. What is likely to happen when a disagreement or hot argument breaks out between fans of opposing football teams? And what happens when a beer drinker has had too much beer than he can take – especially if he has to drive home? I leave the rest to your imagination.

3. Both are addictive. I’ve seen the way some of my colleagues are anxious for the closing hours to draw near because they have urgent appointments at bars or beer parlours; I’ve seen how when someone is doing his or her birthday and shares soft drinks round, a number of guys feel insulted that no beer was offered as an option. And I’ve seen how a match that’s starting on TV can make guys in the office gather round a screen, forgetting where they are, forgetting who’s Oga and who’s junior. Place three or four guys that like soccer together in a room and give one of them a sports magazine, soon the room will turn into a football analysis and discussion arena.

4. Both are a waste of time that people don’t see as a waste of time. I think this is better understood if we were to define soccer and beer from another truthful point of view. So what is Soccer? It is an event where people pay to go and watch 20 or more grown men kick a piece of leather ball about. The players get paid for kicking the ball about. The fans don’t get paid for dancing, screaming and supporting. And beer? Beer is just water mixed with some extracts that is bottled and sold to people who think they need it. And while the breweries, bars and parlours are making good money, the drinkers are paying good money to get…well nothing, just drunken with disorders and pot-bellied.

5. Both are partners in crime. Seen the latest Naija Harp beer TV ad where three guys supporting a certain football club enter a bar filled with supporters of the opposing team watching the match on TV? The opposing team supporters look menacingly at them as they come in. Then they also order for a Harp which everyone happens to be drinking and that’s when they all break into smiles. It’s amazing how football too can make enemies unite together to achieve one aim – scream their heads off over how grown men kicking a leather ball can make some ‘meaningful’ impact. Picture this familiar scene: A match is about to start in a guy’s house. Friends come over to gather in the living room to watch…what else? Beer surfaces and they all settle down...usual huh?

Well...with these few yarns of mine I hope I've been able to confirm and not confuse you that beer and football get strange similarities!

10 Ways to avoid Naija Police from holding you up at a Checkpoint

2011-11-29T01:46:00.000-08:00

If you’ve ever driven about Lagos (Nigeria) a lot, chances are you’ve come across our ‘ambitious’ law enforcement officers in black who mount road blocks in different places on our highways and spend time doing what they call ‘stop and search’ routine – even when it was banned some time ago by their ‘Oga’.

There’s actually nothing wrong in stopping and searching motorists. But it would make more sense if this routine was because of some security threat or so.

Well, most times there are no security reasons for mounting a road block. As a matter of fact most police checkpoints are no different from illegally located kiosks hustling to make some cash.

And when you happen to be a motorist with all your documents complete, they look for a way to still peg an offence on you. The whole aim is to get you to bribe your way out of the unnecessary predicament. And even if they don’t succeed in pegging you down, they sure know how to waste your precious time over senseless issues.

So how can you stop police from stopping you at any checkpoint? Here are some tried tips that may work!

1. When approaching a checkpoint and you happen to have your girlfriend or spouse next to you, the two of you should deliberately start an argument and make sure its heated such that you’re yelling at each other. When the cops see you, they don’t bother stopping you. They don’t like being in the middle of domestic issues.

2. If you can afford to carry a kid or kids along on your trip, do so. They work like magic. Each time I carry little Timi and A.Y along, they dare not stop me. Children seem to charm them or maybe make them feel too guilty to stop a Parent and harass a bribe out of him or her.

3. This one works for you if you’re a Christian. Pop in a powerful message tape or CD by a powerful Pastor and get spiritual. If you get waved to stop, smile at the officer and say something like; ‘Good day my brother. How is work? You are blessed in Jesus name!’ and then offer him a tract of flier. You ask why? It’s because they see ‘men of God’ as ‘bad market’ because they will never give bribe since it is forbidden by God.

4. This one is similar to No. 2. When you’re with a heavily pregnant woman, they don’t waste time with you. Did I mention something earlier about staying away from personal domestic issues? This one sort of amplifies it, especially when you’re checking on the pregnant lady now and again to be sure that she’s okay. You might cut the picture that you’re hurrying someone in labour to the hospital.

5. If you have car that’s black or dark blue in color, stick a small flag on your dashboard or antenna or any other conspicuous place and wear a stern face when you drive. They’re usually apprehensive about stopping cars that might turn out to be a top ranking Police or military officer or a highly placed government official.

6. If you have a driver, always make sure you sit at the ‘owner’s corner’. This either creates the same effect as No. 5 or just creates the assumption that anyone who has a driver would probably make sure vehicle papers are updated because the driver would have complained about it.

7. If you have access to new model vehicle, drive it more often. Police love to target ‘tokuboh cars’ (imported used cars) since most of them are usually smuggled and would lack one paper or the other. Oh...and did you know that the Police have a way of knowing when you've just bought a 'tokunboh'? Yes...the secret lies in the numbers on your number plate.A brand new vehicle is just ‘bad market’ as it would come with everything needed to be documented. And then if you’re driving a new model that’s actually a ‘tokunboh’ then you're one lucky son of a gun!

8. Have some nicely grilled suya or something edible in the car and the moment the Police stops you, start eating it, greet him politely and offer him some. Don’t forget to say something like, ‘Well done oh officer! Please join me oh. I can’t finish this suya.’ He might laugh and have some or just wave you to go after just peeping your boot.

9. Just as you are about approaching a checkpoint, stop your car a few metres away, come down and walk towards the checkpoint to make inquiries from the officer about a road or area that you are trying to locate. After the officer(s) has finished giving you directions thank him or them wholeheartedly, get back into your car and drive off. They wouldn’t think of stopping you after you’ve appreciated them and made them so significant.

10. Once stopped at a checkpoint, smile politely at the officer and say, ‘Good day officer. Would you like to see my papers or should I drop something for the boys?’ Hey, it’s not a bribe, just you offering to drop a tip so they can leave you on time. Besides, it’s an offer that a hungry policeman can’t refuse.

I’ll still advise that you have all your papers complete should in case any of these tips fail. I’m not advocating for breaking the law oh. And I’m not guaranteeing that all of them will work all the time. See them just as strategies to get through time-wasting checkpoints.

Have any other strategies you use to keep the cops at bay at checkpoints? Let’s hear ‘em in your comments!

Images courtesy:
Kayode Ogundamisi
hrw.org
Associated Press

LASTMA Drives Bus Driver Nuts (NSFW!)

2011-11-14T04:24:00.000-08:00

If you've ever lived in Lagos and driven round the city,

chances are you've encountered road forces such as

the Nigerian Police, LASTMA, FRSC, VIOs amongst others.

Falling into the hands of these people can be hell, especially when

they ask you for unecessary and irrelevant documents all with the

aim of making you part with some cash. To the corrupt ones,

every offender guilty or not is an opportunity.

I'm not saying Naija motorists don't break laws, infact we are notorious

for breaking them, especially those crazy drivers of yellow commuter buses.

But even when we wise up and decide to be law-abiding,

these road forces will always be there to drive you nuts!

Bus drivers have suffered a lot in their hands. This bus driver lost it

when he encountered LASTMA after loosing cash to FRSC officials

who stopped him earlier. I don't know if he broke the rules

but after going nuts over being pulled over and displaying raw vexation

by shedding his clothes in rage and planting his big butt before his bus,

you can't help but pity the poor guy.

WARNING!: Graphic Video

This is definitely a proven fact that LASTMA can drive you NUTS!

Welcome to Lagos - the home of traffic madness!

Water Pass Garri for Police Officer

2011-11-11T04:05:00.000-08:00

I've got this video on my phone and it just never fails to crack me up whenever I watch it again and again.
If you're feeling down, this just might be something to split your sides. Can't figure out which movie it's from.

Honestly...this Nkem guy dey craze!

Misyarning by accident

2011-10-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

Somewhere around Lagos an old woman is waiting to board a bus. A bus pulls up and the conductor begins to yell out its destination.

‘Amukoko! Amukoko! Enter with your change oh!’

The old woman suddenly charges at the conductor and admonishes him to keep quiet and stop shouting ‘Amukoko’.

The confused conductor avoids her thinking she must be a mad person. He jumps his bus and orders the driver to take off.

Another bus pulls up and this conductor calls out in a more husky voice thickened by massive consumption of ogogoro.

‘Aaamukokooo! Aaamukokoo!’

The elderly woman suddenly becomes incensed and launches out angrily at the conductor.

‘Shut up! Na Amukoko go kill you!’

The conductor was dumbfounded. He looked at his driver, the bewildered passengers and back at the old woman.

‘Ah ha…Mama wetin I do now?’

‘You dey shout Amukoko, you still dey ask me wetin you do?’

By now a crowd gathered to find out what the commotion was about. Apparently the word ‘Amukoko’ according to the old woman meant ‘T*t* water’ (Vagina secretion) in her own language!

In a country like ours with such a vast diversity of tribes, one word in one place could mean another thing elsewhere which probably means we should be careful how we say words and where we say them.

I was watching TV last week and saw the video of a Naija artiste called Jaywon. When I saw the title of the song (Tinko Angel) I burst into laughter. Maybe the title was meant to be a cool reference to the chick he was singing about but it got me wondering if he knew what ‘Tinko’ meant or he actually just thought it sounded cool.

As far as I was concerned, he shouldn’t have used that as the title because ‘Tinko’ is the name given to small pieces of goat meat that’s preserved in a dried up state. So is Jaywon calling his babe a small piece of dried-up goat meat?

What of the popular story of a Hausa man telling a Yoruba friend in Yoruba that he is grateful to the friend’s wife for giving him corn to eat – which because of the Hausa man’s accent sounded he was grateful to the friend’s wife for having sex? Unless you never went to a Nigerian secondary school you probably have never heard that story.

I could say we should watch what we say and know what they mean before we say it but what about the case of locations like ‘Amukoko’ ?

Myne's Birthday Photoshop!

2011-10-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

How man ways can we say Happy Birthday to woman that's marking time in the sands of Naija's literary world? Okay...I missed the birthday by a day but I still decided to wish Myne a happy birthday by giving her a gift...so Kimson and I got together and started thinking what to do. We could have done a portrait for her but that would take time and birthday fever might expire by the time we finished.

So we thought of something else - why don't we do different photoshops of Myne's pic for her birthday?

I present to you our 'lazy effort' - the Myne Whitman Birthday Photoshop series...

This is the original photo of Myne

We call this the glitter version

We call this the pencil version

This is the charcoal version

Diffused version

Water Colored version

The 'pencil version' is our favourite.

Happy (belated) Birthday Myne Whitman!

From Kush & Kimson

Building Collapses in Maryland, Lagos.

2011-10-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

A Building located in Maryland opposite Channels TV station Collapsed Yesterday.

Nobody was confirmed trapped in the building.

I've always seen this building and had never suspected

that it wasn't strong. Looks can surely decieve.

Images courtesy Edgal Enahoro. (Saharareporters)

British Comedy predicted Gadaffi's Death in 1987

2011-10-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

It definitely looks like a coincidence but I seriously doubt it. This is not the first time that a movie or sitcom would predict something that would happen later on in the annals of history. There have been many instances of these 'strange coincidences' like the TV action drama titled 'The Lone Gunmen' which predicted the World Trade Centre bombing, a 50 year old cartoon which predicted the economic depression that happened a few years back, Stanley Kubrick's 1968 movie '2001, A Space Odyssey' which showcased the Ipad years before Steve Jobs made it happen, the 1989 sci-fi blockbuster 'Back to the Future 2' amazingly predicted a vast number of things currently existing today.

That Moammar Gadaffi is dead today is no longer news and everywhere people are talking about it. Strangely, an old British Sitcom in 1987 predicted Gadaffi's death! Though it missed the month, it still got the year - 2011! Another strange coincidence. And from the way St. Peter spoke, it sounded as if there was a plan to eliminate him at the arranged date...'Colonel Gadaffi...dead at last!'

Check it out in the video below...

Creepy isn't it?

Anniversaary!

2011-10-18T04:15:00.000-07:00

Hooray! Today marks my WHITE WEDDING ANIVERSARY.

I'm so grateful to the most high for giving me the best wife a man can have

and for blessing it with the most georgeous kids a father can have.

Oh...and that pix is the actual pic taken at our wedding and not a library photo

...that is to say, you are actually seeing my hand and wifey's hand in blissful matrimony right there.

3 years and it just gets sweeter!

The Pastor with a...purpose

2011-10-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

Been busy as heck this month and the last. That's why my blog has been on partial hiatus...However, I never forgot this precious place.

I came across this video that got me cracking. Seriously, this is the kind of show I would love to start in Naija; a whole new kind of comedy involving spoofing puppets...lol!

Okay, God's work is a serious matter and I don't joke with it but when you come across fakes, you can't help laffing at how mugu people can be!

KAI causes accident on Sanitation day

2011-09-26T10:10:00.000-07:00

Day before yesterday was the last saturday of the month which in Lagos was supposed to be environmental sanitation day. But it had been announced on news that sanitation would not hold. Despite that, people did not come out and the streets were kind of deserted. However, the paramilitary group know as KAI (Kick Against Indiscipline), stationed between Obanikoro and Savoil bus stop still came out to enforce the rule for people not to go out.

Ikorodu Road on Sanitation day

KAI officials harrassing a street trader.
Image courtesy: sharpedgenews.com

They went about placing sticks and tires to block the Ikorodu expressway despite the fact that sanitation had been called off and that some cars had started moving.

Along comes this Lexus driven by a young Naval officer in mufti along the expressway. The man failed to notice the iron rod placed across the road...his car climbs it...it bursts his tyre and the car goes into multiple sommersault!

It eventually came to rest across the BRT lane. Instantly the KAI guys beat a hasty retreat and quickly disappeared from the spot. Fortunately, the driver was unhurt but badly shaken.

Navy colleagues who heard of what happened reacted and attacked the nearby office of KAI. They smashed the windscreen of the KAI truck and set one of the staff's cars on fire. All the KAI personnel had already vamoosed from the scene so the office was empty.

I was able to capture footage of the aftermath of the accident on camera phone...sorry for the bad quality.

This is not the first time KAI people would be the cause of some crisis. There have been several incidents of which the most recent involved a clash at Yaba market forcing the government to close it down.

Are the KAI guys getting out of hand?

The Cartoonist...3

2011-09-22T01:36:00.000-07:00

Whew! What a hiatus! I've been so busy it kept me away from blogging for September! Anyways...I just decided to post this last installment of my old cartoons which as I've said earlier were drawn by crude means(pencil, pen and color pencils then scanned). This set I drew as a parody of some notable Nigerian celebrities as at the time. Well...some are still there in the limelight today. What do you think?

Click to enlarge

The Cartoonist...2

2011-08-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

More toons attempted by me from my archive....My tools where a HB pencil, black bic biro, color pencils - crude bunch. Thanks to my inability to use photoshop at that time!

Click to enlarge

The Scary Price of Fame?

2011-08-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

Check out the lyrics of this song by Jojo.
What do understand by this song and what do you think??
I'd ike to get people's opinion on this.

Recently a colleague was telling me of the rumoured story of a popular Nigerian gospel artiste who was said to have sacrificed his beloved mum for fame.

Another of a popular Nigerian rapper who involved himself in occultic moves to stay ahead in the rap game.

Is this happening everywhere? If so, I wonder how many Naija artistes have ventured into the dark side...

The Cartoonist...To return or not? 1

2011-08-02T05:35:00.000-07:00

Someone once asked me if there was anything that I couldn't do simply because I was exhibiting all manner of skills - what people would refer to as multi-talent. I never saw myself as that; I rather saw myself as being adventurous and trying out all manner of things. To my surprise, I've found out that there are things I could do that I never thought would be as good as some people claim it to be.

I decided to go down memory lane and take a look at things I had ventured into in the past. A good one was cartooning. I had always wanted to be an artist but my Dad felt artists were hungry people (well, as at that time it seemed so.) So I veered away from the fine arts and went after the literary arts.

But it was hard to stay away from some aspects of fine art. I delved into drawing and explored mostly the aspect of cartooning. It was during that period I came up with these cartoons which I drew way back. I didn't know how to use drawing software to create these. So I just drew on paper and scanned it onto the PC, did a little brush-up with photoshop and I was done.

I has developed a drawing style and was becoming consistent. But I somehow stopped because I wasn't sure if it was going anywhere. Now looking at these drawings I did way back, I'm begining to wonder...do I go back to drawing cartoons...and even if I did, is there a point to keeping on with it?

I guess I need reasons to keep on or just forget it.

Suggestions anyone?

Click to enlarge

Underated Classics: The Mind-Blowing Humor of 'Senseless'

2011-07-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

It was a Thursday evening (yesterday to be precise) and I was home back from work, seated on the bed viewing a movie on my laptop. Wifey was in the kitchen getting dinner ready, her Mum and younger brother were in the sitting room playing with Timi and watching a Yoruba movie (My mother-in-law has a passion for the genre).

A.Y. was in the room with me all cuddled up and fast asleep in his bassinet cot. I was using earphones to listen to the movie I was watching so that I don’t end up disturbing his sleep with the sound.

As the movie progressed, the funny bits in it began to happen but I couldn’t laugh out because I might wake the baby. So I stifled it and I’m sure I must have looked like a bloated animal with all the puffed up cheeks and mad tears falling through my eyes.

This movie was funny!

Eventually the movie reached a level where the hilarity was just too much. I got up from the bed and ran into the kitchen where Wifey was, sat down on a stool and burst into manic laughter!

Wifey looked at me as if I was high on crack. I told her it was the movie that was doing this to me.

And what movie was this?

You’ll be surprised to discover that it’s not even a new movie and that it's one I've actually watched before; it dates back as far as 1998 and didn’t seem to get much acclaim. Maybe it’s because the plot and storyline was a bit too predictable and sort of too loose, maybe it’s because it came out at a time other blockbusters like Titanic and The Wedding Singer were taking all the glory and stealing the people’s hearts.

I’m talking about the movie Senseless, which stars Marlon Wayans and David Spade.

Damon Wayans as Daryl Witherspoon

David Spade as Scott Thorpe

The storyline follows that of a Daryl Witherspoon (Wayans) who volunteers for a drug experiment in order to raise money to pay for his tuition and support his Mum and siblings. He hopes to be able to do more by winning an academic competition that would earn him a Wall Street job with a high profile company. However he has a contender, the spoilt, rich, proud and arrogant Scott Thorpe (Spade) who does is bent on wining the competition too.

Mathew Lillard as Tim, Daryl's roomate.

Brad Dourif as Dr. Wheedon, the doctor supervising the experiment.

Tamara Taylor as Janice, Daryl's love interest

Daryl has had to do all manner of odd jobs to keep his schooling going. Eventually he came across an Ad asking for volunteers for an experiment. He ended up being the only one left after others took off on hearing about possible side-effects. He had actually been dozing when it was read out so he never knew what he was in for.

Daryl gets overdosed

The drug in question was meant to enhance his five senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch) beyond the ordinary. But he was warned to not exceed the daily dosage.
In desperation to exceed expectations or make a very good impression to the people that matter for approval for the Wall Street job, he took an overdose and suffered hilarious catastrophic consequences.

Lorraine (Kenya Moore) getting frisky with Daryl (Wayans)
...and then side effects show up

Daryl begs for a suit in a shop after getting totally robbed
of everything including his clothes, thanks to another side effect!

Like I said earlier, the storyline was a bit weak and could have been better but what actually made you overlook that was Marlon Wayan’s performance.

The dude had me laughing like a jackass all over the place. Many of the scenes where he was on the desperate search to make some bucks were really funny but the scenes that followed his usage of the drug had me rolling off the bed and almost tearing my sides with laughter. Even in the process of writing this, I started laughing again as I remembered those scenes.

Wayans was the one that gave the movie life. And you know why I believe its not a bad movie to keep in your library? Because you can never get tired of watching Wayans make an ass out of himself all through the 93 minutes of the movie.

Daryl about to get into trouble making fun of Patrick Ewing (As himself)

If you never saw this movie back then, I guess it’s probably because Titanic and other blockbuster hits caught your attention.
And if you’re looking for something to make you go ROTFLMAO then go look for this movie, it’ll knock your rib cage in.

The movie starred other notable acts like Mathew Lillard (Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movies), Brad Dourif (the voice of Chucky in the Child’s play movies) and Rip Torn.

Here's a funny scene at the begining of the movie where Daryl tries to donate blood just to raise some bucks. Since you can't do it twice, he pretends to be a different person each time so he could drop more blood and get more money.

And here's another out of the many scenes that cracked me up and made me roll off the bed. It's the scene where Daryl uses his super senses to eavesdrop on a girl talk between his love interest, Janice and her friend.

The idea behind the story was good and it had a lot of potential but I felt it wasn’t explored properly. This could have been a very funny movie that would have spawned off sequels to allow for exploration of more interesting stuff surrounding the story’s idea unless…I’m talking to people without a sense of humor…

Oh…and please don’t mistake the 1998 Senseless for the 2008 Senseless. They are two different movies. While the former is comedy, the latter is a disturbing horror movie.

The Sick Horror vs The Comedy

Photo Tales - Timi & A.Y.

2011-07-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

You know, one amazing thing about little children is the way they yak about in baby language, expressing themselves in a language adults struggle to understand. When Timi's in her element, she likes to gist; 70% of which I can't figure out what she's saying except for a few - like she says 'Eat!' when she's hungry, 'Wata' when she's thirsty and just points at anything she wants you to get for her. But surprisingly, she understands me and her Mum when we give her some simple instructions.

Then there are times when she's with her brother, Ayomide and she banters along with him in 'babynese' making me wonder what the heck they're yakking about. Well, my imagination got carried away and thus I imagined something like this transpiring between them.

(click each pic for larger view if its too small to read)

Lagos - Soaked like garri...And a Happy Birthday to Kimson!

2011-07-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

They always say it’s raining cats and dogs when we experience a heavy downpour. But with the unmerciful and massive rainfall that took place yesterday (Sunday) and today, I think it would make sense to say it rained cows and elephants.

For the first time in my life living through the rainy seasons in Lagos, I saw serious flooding. I saw cars submerge in water, houses being held hostage by rivers of rushing rain water; pedestrians no longer walking but swimming. In fact vehicles were being rendered useless and the best option would have been to use a canoe.

A message even circulated via blackberry was informing guys who were thinking of patronizing ‘take-aways’ not to look for them on a popular street as the flood had forced them to abandon the place for another location. Hmmm…even ‘ashawo business’ was affected by the flood.

Everybody has a crazy story to tell like this tweet I caught on another blogger's site:

And finally!

A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my main man KIMSON MASTERS!

Oh...in case you're wondering who he is, he's the artsy dude behind almost all the illustrations you find on my blog; especially the ones on The Chronicles X series. He's done a lot of stints with Nigerian comics, illustrated for storybooks and a lot more that has to do with design and colors. He's the one behind the drawing and animation of the Orobo cartoon we experimented with. We're currently working on a project together. I felt he deserved to be honored on my blog for the important part he's played on the chronicles and on the project we're working on.

Many Happy Returns Pal!!!

Photos courtesy:
www.411daily.com
www.Nationalmirroronline.com
www.allafrica.com
www.news1.ghananation.com
www.234next.com

Facebook Mischief 3

2011-07-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

Now Trending in Naija - Bombs!

2011-06-27T04:05:00.000-07:00

I needed to do some important update on my bank account which had gone dormant due to patronage of another bank and had made my way to the bank when something that happened before me as I was about to enter sent my thoughts racing and on the egde.

The bank entrance was one of those cylindrical doors with automatic detectors which usually refused to open if you had the smallest bit of metal on you.

Usually, a security guard would hold all your detector triggering belongings (like your keys, phone, metallic pen etc.) for you to step into the cyclindrical door then hand then over to you before the door closed so you could proceed.

This dude in native with an Islamic cap in front of me steps into the cylinder door and the door refused to open while a recorded voice tells him to step out to be cleared. He hands over his phones and keys to the guard and steps in again. The door refuses to give way for him and he steps out again. This time he had nothing to drop before entering. The guard let him in again and this time the door gave way and he was able to go in.

I started thinking…Islamic dude…suicide bomber…Boko Haram…

I almost didn’t want to enter the bank!

Its amazing how all the news of bomb explosions happening in Naija can start messing with your head. I’m still trying to fathom it.

I mean…the thought of a suicide bomber in Naija is frigging scary. It means fundamentalism has moved up to a far more deadly level.

When did they suddenly start the new trend of blowing oneself to bits all in the name of hatred for civilisation? Before it used to be violent clashes, then it became kidnappings…now its bombings! And bombs are far more deadly that the first two criminally insane acts. You could still run when a violent clash is taking place somewhere, or be careful not to move in areas where kidnappings could take place or still get your life back if you ever get kidnapped.

But with bombs it’s different. There’s no way you can know when and where it’s going to explode so you have to watch out for every suspicious move. I saw an ad on TV some days ago telling people to report suspicious behavior or funny looking packages placed in odd places to the authorities.

There’s just enough reason to be scared in Naija today. If the Nigerian Police headquarters could be bombed like a piece of cake, then where is the security in this our precious country? They say they would investigate the matter like they always do and eventually we hear nothing more about it.

And one other thing bugs me; how come there are no security cameras in a place such as the Police headquarters? This would have been a big step if an investigation were to truly take place. I hope they start thinking of taking such step. It’s just a matter of time before panic begins to sweep across the nation.

This is why Nigeria needs prayers more than ever.

Because the only security I can say is sure….is that of God.

NB: A colleague got this embarrasing info that mocks our security in Naija on facebook below...

May I introduce the Dude that happened in April...?

2011-06-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

You know how I hate putting up posts without pictures...well here's a picture

that I had to put up and also add a post becauseI failed to load it up way back.

Meet Ayomide, Timi's new brother who arrived in April

lol...the little fella is still trying to get his color in check.

You know how Babies get all sensitive on their skins sometimes...

11 Reasons An Upcoming Nigerian Artiste May Never Make It

2011-05-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Over time, I have come to critically observe the contemporary Nigerian music industry and I’ve questioned the many factors that surround it. Eventually I was able to come to conclusions as to why this is like this and that is like that, and with my knowledge in the creative advertising and case studies was able to reach these conclusions as to why many newbies in the industry get it wrong.

Image: Kimson Masters for The Kush Chronicles

1. You steal beats from already famous hits for your debut.

Unless you’re already successful or you have well connected persons pushing you on the scene, try not to steal beats from already existing hits for your debut album. It doesn’t project you as an original. You’ll get to be seen as someone riding on the success of another artiste. Well…except you are able to make your song far more interesting than that of the original such that people hardly even notice the borrowed element.

2. You’re afraid to experiment with tunes, beats and lyrics.

If you’re not a daring artiste then you may be missing out on opportunities to come out with unique productions. Check out those who did it – Dbanj and Don Jazzy’s manner of fusions that set their music apart. Or check out Kas who sings in monotone and combines it with crazy beats. And if want an international example, explore the works of Robert Kelly (R.Kelly). What’s the result? You can see it all on the charts.

3. Your videos consist of you in sunshades and sexy girls dancing around you.

This has fast become a cliché in most music videos today. Just tune into any Nigerian TV station during lunch hour or in the late evenings today and you’ll discover that 80% of the music videos being played all look like this.

I’ve already talked about the sunshade issue in an earlier post. It hides your identity; it kills the perception of your facial representation as a brand (I hope I made sense with that). Let your face register as the REAL artiste with your audience. Nothing’s bad with wearing them, only don’t make it a brand thing. It makes you look like every other artiste.

And you singing all through the video with sexy girls dancing around you is overrated and only shows lack of creativity. In case you don’t know, your video strongly markets you as a brand; a perception of you is created in your video and when a video shows creativity, it becomes more memorable and gives people a reason to talk about it. When your song is not too good, you still have the opportunity to make an imapct if you’ve got a superb video.

4. Your videos also showcase you drinking alcohol, smoking and flashing cash and jewelry.

This does not tell the audience how cool you are because it only shows that you have low self esteem. Why would you flash all the cash to let people know you don ‘hammer’? It’s the cheapest way for a failing artiste to lie about his/her status and believe me, your audience know better. Display of alcohol and splashing it about is not a trendy thingy either. It’s been way over-used and is usually a useless element that’s of no significance to the video. Except your song talks about booze, adding it adds no color or essence to your video.

5. Almost all your tracks have been auto-tuned

For those who may not know what the ‘Auto-tune’ is, it’s the part or plug-in of the software used in recording studios to manipulate your vocals to sound better or different. This was an effect pioneered by the Late Roger Troutman back in the 80’s with his Talk box, a device attached to his keyboard to give his voice different effects.

Thanks to the computer, American artistes like T-pain and Lil’ Wayne have helped bastardize it. The same also goes for Naija artistes who are indulging in massive auto-tuning. It’s become so rampant in contemporary Naija music. Now anybody can release an album; many so-called upcoming artistes with bad voices now auto-tune the living daylights out of their vocals and fool the public into thinking they can sing. But they can’t keep up the façade for long – wait till the time comes for them to perform live. That’s when you know who can truly sing! As an upcoming artiste, its better you stick closer to your real voice so that you don’t traumatize your audience when it comes to the live performance.

6. You’re always showcasing yourself as a ‘bad boy' in your music and videos.

Many artistes think the ‘bad boy’ image is dope. LOL! It’s not. Why? In a society like ours you can’t afford to be a bad example on the entertainment circuit if you intend to stay relevant. Upcoming artistes should realize that artistes can also become ambassadors which means someone who cuts a responsible image; someone the society wouldn’t mind being a mentor to their children. Taking such positions would mean more exposure, publicity and endorsement deals for the artiste. Can a ‘bad boy’ or ‘bad girl’ be given such a role? I mean, imagine a Terry G who glorifies internet scam or a Kelly Handsome who fights in public being made a role model for kids…Not!

7. The themes of most of your songs are about making money and spending it lavishly.

Just as mentioned in the 2nd point, you’ll only be tooting your horn arrogantly but will only sound like you’ve got a low self esteem. Why not teach people about what it takes to make it and not what it takes to show it?

8. You only offer to perform at a live event if offered money.

Many upcoming artistes make the mistake of being too focused on the money they’d end up making after a performance. Mind you, you’re a nobody and nobody likes to hire a nobody to perform. But people will allow you to perform if you make it free.

Always offer to perform for free in any event you get the opportunity to show yourself. In due time, your popularity will build and by them you would have trained yourself in live performance, gotten to meet others you can learn from. Once you become known, you can begin to attach a price to yourself.

9. You shoot your video by yourself

Especially when you’re not trained to shoot videos, don’t ever attempt to do this. Let a professional do it for you. Your first video should be an investment into a good quality and creative representation because first impression matters and sticks longer. Don’t get overwhelmed by the mentality that you must do everything by yourself.

10. Your mind is warped in the belief that sex sells and you infuse it in your songs

True. Sex sells but only lazy uncreative artistes would go that route. Why? Because it’s the easiest but it’s not memorable because you’ll sound like every other desperate artiste and eventually fade into oblivion.

11. You’ve got no mentor

You’re entering a territory where there are those who already know how the system works and you decide to do it solo? Bad idea. If not for Dbanj’s mentoring, Wande Coal would have been zero. If not for Banky W, Whizzkid would be nowhere, and the list goes on.

Lastly, I’d like to mention that if you’re under the delusion that you can sing when everybody is telling you you can’t, and it is very glaring, please wake up, face reality and find your true calling elsewhere. Don’t wait for some judge at an audition to tell you you sound like crap. Otherwise, good luck with auto-tuning!

PS: Na my own I talk Oh! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion!

What happened in April?

2011-05-19T03:50:00.000-07:00

I was in the office seated at my desk working on my laptop when my cellphone rang. I picked it up and wifey’s voice came through the speaker in a breathy voice.

‘Honey, I think you should start coming now.’

Instantly I flicked the cursor on the laptop to start button and shutdown the system. I paked my bags and left the office. On my way through the main gate I met the GMD who was just coming in. He looked at me curiously and asked where I was off to. He seemed eager to catch any staff that just left the premises anyhow.

‘I’m off to take my wife to the hospital sir. She’s going into labour sir.’

His stern countenance changed and he let me go. I called wifey on the phone again as I drove out of the car park to let her know I just left the office.

She was calm when I got home. The contractions had been coming and going and her instincts had lit up that the baby was ready to come. I helped her into the Ruffler and in minutes we had reached the hospital.

I remember when we had Timi. It was this same hospital. I had been present at her delivery but today the nurses felt I should wait in the waiting room. I was like WTH? Anyway I just decided to wait since most of the nurses where not the same set of nurses that were there during Timi’s birth.

Wifey’s labour didn’t last up to an hour. At about 2.30pm, she gave birth to a big baby boy. The cute dude weighed 3.5kg compared to his sister that weighed 2.5kg at her birth.

Two weeks later, his sister, Timi clocked two years old.

Okay, so now you know part of why I’ve been off the blog for a while. But do you know the major reason for the hiatus? I’ve been trying to get pictures of the little dude (whom we’ve named Ayomide Oluwakorede Fortune, by the way) so that I could load them on my blog. Thanks to the absence of my camera which I gave away with the hope of buying another. I would have had tons of photos to load. So while I expected the photographer at the naming to get the pics ready, why don’t I just post the entry and load the pics later? So here you are.

We had a new baby, we moved to a new apartment, wifey’s birthday (April 27th) came around followed by my birthday (May 3rd) then Timi’s birthday (May 15th). All that got me too swooped to blog.

But I’m back now. And I’m giving God all the glory – for the new home, new baby and bigger family and better things yet to come!

The Truth Behind the Sunshade?

2011-04-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

I once wrote a post a couple of years back on the bandwagon trend of Nigerian artistes sporting sunshades all the time such that majority of them have accidentally made it part of their look. It's supposedly an accessory to give you the cool look, no doubt. But I feel it may have made every artiste that wears it look no different from any other artiste. I also feel it's the laziest way to brand yourself. No wonder it's become a bandwagon affair; not many want to go through the trouble of standing out.

Courtesy www.toonpool.com

But then I keep asking why are most artistes so obsessed with wearing shades all the time? Even if the environment is a dark one that requires your natural eyes alone to focus?

I even discovered that foreign artistes don't sport shades that much; if you saw any of them without it, you'd know it was the same person. But here in Nigeria, our artistes wear shades so often that the day they 'accidentally' remove them, you hardly recognize them. So why are majority of Naija artistes always face-decked in shades? I went a-searching to find answers but still hit the conclusion I hit in my earlier article.

I still clung to that conclusion until I came across the picture below of Dbanj and Wande Coal - without their shades chilling in some vehicle. The picture was taken a couple of years ago but says quite a lot - that these guys are definitely high. Take a look at their eyes; dim, strained, bloodshot and in a perplexed or dazed state. This is the type of face you see on the streets; the type of eyes ogogoro and weed smokers sport in Lagos bus garages and bus stops.

So...could this be another strong reason that some of our artistes sport sunshades? Well, this is a good opportunity to find out whenever you come across any of them. Imagine running into Dbanj or any other artiste one day and asking for an autograph as a 'fan' then begging him to remove his shades so you can see his full face...lol, that should work.

Any other reasons why they sport the shades? Let's hear it!

Oh...AND I'VE GOT BIG NEWS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED ON APRIL 18TH!
I'LL BE POSTING THAT IN THE NEXT ENTRY!!

KEEP GUESSING!

How To Catch a Housegirl That Has Yapa!

2011-04-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was reading one of Sisi Yemi's blog entries titled 'How to tell when your housegirl is about to Yapa!' (For those of you who don't what 'Yapa' means, it means 'Go haywire' or 'dominate the whole place' ) and I suddenly remembered a video one of my colleagues showed me at work.

It was a video taken by her brother who suspected that his trusted housemaid was actually stealing stuff around the house. What he did was to hide a camera somewhere about the room before he and his wife went on an outing. From the result in the video below it sure was a good idea!

So for you who's thinking of risking having a house maid, get a hidden camera stuffed around the house. Getting back from work, just grab a popcorn and sit down to watch how the day went. You might want to keep her or sack her depending on what you see.

That's Myne!

2011-04-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

And I felt bored at work and didn't want to get online.

And I picked up this popular Naija news magazine

to read in my office; inquisitive to know what pot of luck

they claimed our 'puppet presido' had...

And I reached page 10 of the magazine and who do I see on the page?

OMG! It's Myne Whitman in an interesting exclusive interview

on her work and Naijastories! It was an encouraging interview

that rang one bell in my mind -She's definitely going a long way

sticking to doing what she loves best.

With another novel out not long after her first,

(which gathered impressive reviews) no doubt about it,

she's gathering momentum as a force to reckon with.

Click to view larger and read.

Its hard being encouraged to be a writer here in Naija,

I have friends who stopped writing because they were just plain discouraged.

I had stopped writing for a while until I met Myne online

and she encouraged me to start again (Hence 'The Chronicles X' series).

Then I joined Naija Stories and the dead writer in me ressurected totally.

All of a sudden, everything around me had a story to tell

and I had to write or I would run crazy!

Keep doing what you're doing Myne! We're proud of you!

Out with the former...In with the Next

2011-04-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Say bye bye to Red, my faithful Nissan Primera.
She has served me well. I'll never forget those times we shared; the travelling trips we made, the small safaris we embarked, my little girl playing ruff on her seats and soiling them with food.
I'll never forget the days she broke down and I got her fixed and running at some times. She was rugged. I hope the new owner enjoys her.
Wifey nearly shed a tear when she was driven away...amazing how emotions get attached to a car.

Say hello to Ruffler, my freshly acquired Mercury Villager.
I look forward to new adventures with her. Driving her is a whole new experience for me; controlling a bigger vehicle shows a lot of difference. I'm getting along fine with her and discovering more everyday. It's a miracle how I got her - that's a testimony I've never stopped sharing.

I still refuse to keep with joneses. I just get the ride suitable for me for the moment. Right now, its for my family that's getting bigger - me, wifey, little Timi and the little fella we're expecting.

Breaking News...Upcoming Comedian, CD John is Dead

2011-03-24T02:24:00.000-07:00

News just got to me early hours this morning that upcoming comedian, CD John was involved in a motor accident in which he ran into a stationary truck 2 days ago.

He evetually gave up ghost yesterday.

CD John is well known for his brand of comedy which involves indigenious gospel music and local church parodies

He always succeeds in cracking up the crowd with unique talent and creative renditions.

May his soul rest in peace.

Naija Internet Lingo - How much of it is for real?

2011-03-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

You might have come across some of these Naija internet slangs and gotten confused; I decided to go on a search to find them out and got results. Infact what I found is quite surprising and I'm wondering...do Naija folks really use these on the Internet? I know of some but the others...?

1. LWKM - Laugh wan kill me

2. LWKMD - Laugh wan kill me die

3. MIDG - make i dey go

4. WGYL - we go yarn later

5. IGA - I gbadun am

6. ICS - I can't shout

7. DJM - Don't jealous me

8. WBDM - Who born d maga

9. UDC - U de craze

10. NUS - Na u sabi

11. WSU - who send u

12. OSABZ - over sabi

13. ITK - I too know

14. WDH - wetin dey happen

15. NDH - nutin dey happen

16. FMJ - free me jo

17. BBP - bad bele people

18. HUD - how u dey

19. WKP - waka pass

20. BBG - baby girl

21. KKL - Kokolette

22. MML - mamalette

23 GFF- Gbono fe le fe le (e.g., she GFF)

24. NTT - Na true talk

25. IKU - It koncain u?

26. NDM - no dull me

27. LGT - let's goo there

28. IFSA - I for slap am

29. IGDO - I go die o

30. YB - Yess boss

31. NLT - No long thing

32. 2GB - 2 gbaski (e.g., the song 2GB!)

33. CWJ - carry waka jorh

34. WBYO - wetin be your own

35. U2D - U 2 do

36. U2DV - U 2 dey vex

37. MKG - maka gini?

38. WSDP - who send dem papa

39. INS - i no send

40. INFS - i no fit shout

41. WWY - who wan yarn

42. NBST - no be small thing

43. NWO - na wah oooooo

44. NMA - no mind am

45. MIHW - make i hear word

46. NBL - no be lie

47. NB? - na beans?

48 wd - wetin dey

49. UNGKM - u no go kill me

50. o2s - omo 2 sexy

51. UTMG - You Try My Guy

52. UR2M = You are too much

Are any of you familiar with these slangs or they are kind of far fetched?

Garri & Agege Bread - What Manner of Controversy?

2011-03-10T02:01:00.000-08:00

Nowadays I’m usually sceptical about any sensational news about some food item that I’ve been used to consuming being said to contain some substance or chemical that could be detrimental to my health. Who comes up with such hard to stomach rubbish when the said food has always been part of one’s way of life for several years?

Take Garri for instance.

This food item has not only become a popular food item with all classes of Nigerians but has played a very important role in the life of every Nigerian student from secondary school level to tertiary education level. It is the simplest food to prepare and consume and complement with ‘accessories’ like sugar, groundnut or milk. It is the total embodiment of what you’ll call ‘fast food’. Even when you’re as poor as a church rat, Garri seems to never desert you. There was a time I got tired of eating those extra garnished meals during lunch break and brought some Garri to work. With just some water from the office dispenser and a couple of groundnuts from the aboki across the road, I was good to go on a fast lunch. Some colleagues saw me grubbing the Garri and retorted that it was a good idea, and even asked me if I had some to share. Nobody with a past romance with Garri could resist the idea of lunching on this simple meal.

And then there was a time news spread around that Garri was dangerous to your health; that it could destroy your eyes!

I was in secondary school when that news came out and everybody fell hook, line and sinker for it; especially the school authorities. Suddenly schools began to ban Garri and declared it a contraband item. Students where told never to bring Garri amongst their provisions to school but it was hard to do that. Thus students ventured into the act of smuggling the cherished food item into dormitories. I remember in my secondary school days when we just resumed for a new term; you’d submit your luggage to the housemaster and his committee to search your luggage for any of the famous ‘contraband’. Many of us devised ways to get the stuff into the dormitories. We even gave it a code name – ‘Garium Sulphide’ after some chemical science students got to know about in chemistry classes.

The fact remained that there was nothing you could do to stop students from consuming Garri. What they couldn’t even do with Garri in secondary school, they aachieved in the University. I have been consuming Garri for more than 20 years and my eyes are still as sharp as bird’s. All other devotees of Garri that I know that have remained loyal to ‘Garium’

So what about the BS on Garri ruining your eyes?

Then came the mescaforming info about Agege bread.

Agege bread is another food item that sits in the class of Garri. Many of us (especially those of us who were not born with a silver spoon) fed and grew up judiciously on evergreen this brand of bread which probably bears a similarity to what bread must have looked like in the days of our Lord Jesus Christ (remember those moments he shared bread for his apostles and the people?). Fortunately, many of us have left secondary school before Agege bread was declared a dangerous food item that contained bromate; a somewhat harmful God-knows-what.

Annoyingly and as usual, people fell for it and all of a sudden, the competition of Agege Bread, which is the brand of bread known as ‘sliced bread’ seemed to sell more. Some even went as far as tagging their bread ‘bromate free’, whatever the hell that means.

But I just love the way these food items seem to bounce back in their essential commodity glory. People seemed to have thrown the ‘bromate’ awareness in the trash bin because Agege bread still sells like hot cakes! There’s a woman on my street who sells bread. 80% of her bread is Agege bread, the rest are the sliced variety. In two days she sells off the Agege bread while the Sliced variety stay on the shelf for about four days.

I can’t resist Agege bread. Neither can many of my friends. I grew up on this food item. Mum would feed me and my siblings about four times a week on Agege bread with something. And today we’re all still as fit as a fiddle. Where’s the damage from the bromate? Even my younger brother who came from Scotland recently demanded passionately to eat Agege bread for breakfast one Sunday morning. He even told me that he and his Naija friends in Aberdeen had a place where they could always purchase Agege bread but it was scarce, frigging expensive and ALSO BROMATE FREE, and it came from a bakery owned by Indians who employed Nigerians to do the baking! What the hell?!!

Even our celebrities can't deny the important role this bread played and still plays in our lives. Ask Uche Jombo!

I think government bodies like NAFDAC should watch what the kind of info they dole out to the public. If stuff kills oyinbo but does nothing to us, why feed us the BS?

They make noise over our staple meals yet they say nothing about the dangerous content in some of the processed foods circulating Naija’s market. What about that nasty sweetener called ‘Aspertame’? It’s present in Diet coke and Pepsi Light drinks, it’s present in Nutri C, the popular fruit powder drink and Amarila, another powder drink being marketed for children in Nigeria. I discovered that when I stopped taking Nutri C, my health improved (I used to have all the symptoms associated with excessive consumption of Aspartame – and if you want to know what these symptoms are just google ‘the problem with aspartame’ or something)

Now I’m wondering…which food will they condemn next? It really gets me thinking that some diabolic individuals are using these crooked strategies to make some money; create a problem and then sell a solution. But I’m wiser to understand that I should never ‘fall mugu’ to another misyarn about any food that’s played an important role in our lives.

Garri & Nutri C images Courtesy

www.pactmates.com
www.beglobalfood.com

Facebook Mischief 2

2011-02-25T09:36:00.000-08:00

When Val Sucks...Not!

2011-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

I sat in my car yesterday morning listening to a call-in program where the hosts wanted people to call in and tell them how they spent their Val the day before. Unfortunately, all the callers they ever got told them their Val sucked. The most outrageous being a chick who said she spent her Val at home eating ‘Eba’. The hosts were stunned and asked about her guy, she said she had none and that she was okay romancing a plate of nice ‘Eba’ at home.

Hmm... Val’s day definitely sucked for many people; maybe it was because it fell on a Monday which was a no-nonsense day of the week. Fela Anikulapo-Kuti’s song testifies to it in his classic ‘Lojo Monday, Eko o ni gbagbakugba o’ (On Monday, Lagos won’t tolerate any nonsense).

As for me, Vals day was sweet!

My Vals day actually started from a pre-val outing on Sunday 13th. I took wifey to a married couples get-together dinner event called ‘Honeymoon4ever’. We had games, Q&As, a speaker who spoke extensively on Finance and Marriage and lots more. But the most interesting part of the event was the interactive session where different couples shared their take on how sex affects finance and vice versa.

Most of the men talked in favour of themselves or just spoke out of context. I wasn’t surprised. When it comes to talking about sex, people get extra excited. In this case, they got so excited and veered away from the main topic. The anchor had to keep asking; ‘Okay, so how does that affect finance?’

One guy was talking and his wife was pinching him not to let out stuff and he told the audience that she was pinching him to keep shut. Another guy talked so extensively about his wife’s mannerisms in the bedroom that when she tried to sneak away the anchor drew attention to her.

Eventually I raised my hand to speak. Wifey was backing me so she wasn’t aware. When the microphone was handed to me, a ‘what-in-the-world-is-he-going-to-say?’ look was written all over her face. I took the mic, cleared my throat and spoke.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, before I speak, could you please applaud my wonderful wife.’

Applause and cheers followed before I continued.

‘You’ll ask me why I requested for an applause. It’s because she’s a smart woman.’

Slight laughter filled the hall.

‘Naturally, I’m a frugal person when it comes to spending cash and that means you don’t get cash out of me so easily but one night my wife seriously ‘dealt with me’ in the bedroom and when she asked for money, I gave her without even thinking! Now that’s sex affecting finance!’

The whole room was thrown into guffaws and spasmodic cheering. The women felt good; at least this was a credit to them. But the most glad of them all was Wifey herself. This seemed to encourage the women because the next person who picked the microphone was the wife who had been pinching her hubby.

On our way home, wifey went on and on about it; she felt so honored and surprised. I could see this new glow on her face. I had made her day. This goes on to show the importance of appreciating your woman; it’s a powerful tool, especially if it has a surprise element to it.

The next day which was Val, we went out after work and bought buckets of ice cream and some suya (she loves these) and settled down at home to eat while watching a romantic comedy together. Forget the idea of taking her out to any Val joint, I hate the way those places get crowded during the period.

And at least if you considered it to someone eating ‘Eba’ at home during the love season, I think we enjoyed Val better!

Sorry! This post should have actually come up on the 14th which was Valentine’s day but thanks to the crappy internet connection and one delay or the other, I couldn’t.

Blackberry Zombies

2011-02-09T08:12:00.000-08:00

The meeting was about to start but the MD was not yet on seat. While waiting at the round table someone played with his pen on the table, another drew sketches of meaningless abstract art on his jotter, another person read a newspaper or while another a magazine, someone listened to music via earpiece connected to her phone and four people sat glued to their blackberry phones tapping away on the keypads like their life depended on it.

I’m walking down the corridor to the Audio-Visual studio and I come across an intern leaning against the wall, a blackberry in her hands, her face glued like an electrified zombie to its screen. She hardly notices me passing by.

A colleague boards a commercial bus and hands his fare to the conductor. Next to him is seated a casually dressed young man tapping away on his blackberry. The conductor calls for his fare, dude hears not. His eyes are glued with glee to his phone, all attention totally sucked into the little glowing demon in his hands. The conductor hollers at him, jerking his attention. Dude holds blackberry in one hand, eyes still hooked to the screen, uses the other hand to bring out fare and hand it over to the pissed-off conductor without turning from his phone or paying mind to the invective from the conductor.

Ever seen a car pull over just for its driver to whip out his blackberry and ping on it? Or a person spend a long time in the toilet not because the shit was too harsh to offload but because they had to do something very ‘important’ on their blackberry?

Okay. I don’t need to give too many examples. By now you might have guessed the issue I’m trying to hit.

The blackberry phone, no doubt, is a gadget of convenience; it’s like carrying your own computer and internet around. It gives you instant access to your network of friends and you are able to chat or do business anytime, anywhere. I know it’s not a new technology so don’t get the idea that I’m talking like it’s one.

A few years earlier in Nigeria the blackberry was not a phone that just anybody could afford because it fell in the category of high end phones but as the GSM awareness caught Naija by storm with tech savvy phones appearing now and again, and with Asian copycat versions flooding the market, the prize fell and the blackberry became a ‘pure water’ phone. To make matters worse, the Chinese copycat is also available at a cheaper price (Chai! These Chinkos sabi spoil market!).

So what happens when people find out they can own a blackberry without paying thru the nose? You guessed right – every Tom, Dick and Hilary gets one. Don’t be surprised if you see a Naija commercial bus conductor tapping away on a blackberry.

Well, those may be the pros but the cons would be the fact that this hand held mobile cretin has stolen the lives of many its owners. Now people are so comfy wasting precious time on their blackberry phones they end up not having time for other things. Nope, it’s not because they are doing any important research but because it’s become the bonafide ‘amebo’ social network thanks to its benefit of instant ping chatting and Facebook. It has turned many people into zombies; their attention is more fixed on the thrills of useless gists, downloading and forwarding of pics, images, music and videos. I remember I blogged about the menace Facebook had become some time back. Thanks to the blackberry, it’s more amplified than ever.

Image courtesy www.blackberrycool.com

Everywhere you find a blackberry, there’s constant lack of attention. Don’t ever discuss anything with anybody who’s holding onto a blackberry. If a chat ping comes in, you just might get ignored for some minutes. And trust me, it can be so annoying.

Oh…did I tell you that there’s a toy version for kids? Kai! Isn't that a bit too early for dem youngsters?

For that lady or guy that loves attention from his/her man or woman, please don’t ever buy him/her a blackberry for a gift! The moment you do that, you’ve got yourself a RIVAL! I know this because even my wife had to fight me over the fact that my laptop was becoming her rival for attention…lol.

I like the idea of the blackberry and its use…but I’m just afraid of ever getting one. Apart from the fact that I usually hate joining a bandwagon trend, I also dread the fact that it might steal some of my hard-conserved precious time – like the one I spend reading and meditating on my Bible.

That’s true…even without the blackberry, many who take their spiritual life serious are still try hard to have time to spend with God. Now that the blackberry is here and they own one what happens?

Oh Blackberry…you’re such a distractive devil!

Hence I keep away from this 'winch' of a gadget before it infects me with its telephony virus and turn me into one of its zombies!

UNIBEN Students' Show of Shame

2011-02-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

January 30^thon Monday morning, a shocking video simply titled ‘Facebook’ was uploaded on to Youtube.

Its contents? A thirteen minute show of a group of boys (couldn’t actually tell their number) punishing three girls who had been caught red-handed in a room having lesbian sex. The video started with the boys ordering the girls to get on the bed and demonstrate the act while they filmed it. After a while, they were ordered to lie down while they were whipped on their bare butts with belts.

Two of the girls being questioned by their punishers amidst tears.

The scenario happened in the University of Benin (as indicated on the youtube info space by the uploader). From the noisy staccato going on in the background, it could be gathered that the girls had been heavily into the act earlier and had been so loud in their lust that the boys who lived in the same apartment complex heard their noise and decided to barge in.


One of the girl's being pinned down by a boy's leg while she gets whipped.

It was a total show of shame; the girls were told to perform all manner of sexual acts amidst tears and pleas and vicious belt whippings.

I don’t support gay lifestyle or orientation; in fact I totally hate it and believe it’s an abomination against God’s laws. But I was shocked at the brutal beating of the girls. I guess they should be careful where they tread next time. The video did not last up to a day on Youtube. It was yanked off before the evening but people had already downloaded it and started sending it to others on their phones.

Obviously people now know how to make a big scandal thanks to the use of the camera phone, blackberry, facebook and youtube. Sometime last year also in Benin, a lecturer who was always making girls have sex with him before offering them marks was caught red handed on camera after a trap had been set for him.

One of my colleagues decided to plant her camera phone in her room and set the camera rolling because she believed that someone was stealing her stuff. Sure enough, it caught the new babysitter they had just got searching through her cupboard and drawers for anything to pilfer. That was the end of her job.

This goes out to show that secret acts cannot stay hidden anymore.

So if you’ve got a dirty secret and you get careless, who knows? There just might be a camera somewhere recording your torrid reality show!

Orobo - The Cartoon

2011-01-25T02:27:00.000-08:00

Here's a short animation experiment a friend and I put together. It's roughly done but I think it still delivers..lol!
We have a number of other stuff we're putting together. This was just a test run I thought I might share.

Facebook Mischief

2011-01-21T03:04:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011-01-10T09:08:00.000-08:00

Today, I officially start the new year on this blog.

And I'm excited about it because this year is seriously LOADED.

There's a lot of celebrations coming up as levels are changing everywhere around me

(and for you reading too...I hope)

So I say, welcome to an explosive new year!

Congratulations!!!

Lol...some people will definitely understand what I REALLY mean.

Nigerian Fiction: Pacesetters Series...What happened?

2010-12-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

I remember back in the past in Naija, the movies we watched mostly were foreign movies. Today we have Naija movies that get better (and at times worse) everyday.

In the past, most of the music that thrilled us was foreign music. Today we have our own music industry which has gain international acclaim.

In the past we used to read foreign novels (James Hadley Chase, Mills & Boon series etc) but along the line came our own novel sensations - the Pacesetters series (pictured above) which took everyone by storm. You'd see secondary school students as well as adults totting copies of these Nigerian (and sometimes other African) written urban pop-fiction series which ranged from Romance to Action thrillers. We loved them and they showed that we had a lot of talented pop-fiction writers here in Nigeria

These books were hot cakes back then and you saw them to buy at many bookshops then but over time they have disappeared and Macmillan doesn't seem to be publishing them anymore.

And people have gone back to reading foreign paperbacks. And people seem to read more of self help books or gossip tabloids today.

Why didn't the reading culture that seemed to explode during the pacesetters era stay on? What killed it? Could it be the coming of the internet and cable television?

Though lately there have been some revival attempts by some publishing outfits like Farafina books who are doing a good job of it. Also a new generation of authors are springing up with brilliant works all over the place. Reading session events are even recently becoming more frequent.

So should we be expecting that reading and writing culture to come back and storm the literate or reading populace like the pacesetters did back then?

We've created our own music types and broken away from being hooked to foreign ones; we've opened up the channel for our movie industry to thrive and become a renown one that's now viewed on satellite, we have writers and books coming out again but have Nigerians embraced reading as they have embraced music and the movies? Or are these two countering the reading culture?

I long for book lines like the pacesetters series to come back; they were fun in those days and added value to students way back. I believe it will help develop our reading culture and give us a space to create what is proudly our own that the outside world can appreciate. Imagine these series being adapted to movie versions (that will contribute to better storylines!).

I can't forget classics like 'Mark of the Cobra', 'On the Road', 'Naira Power', 'Director!', 'Coup!', 'Sisi'...and the list goes on. I feel like reading some of them again. we had real creative writers then and a series that was very accessible, and a reading public that was grabbing them.

Who else was ever a pacesetter fan?

The Okada Hell Ride And My Baby's Poop

2010-12-02T06:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, how do I start this story?

I was on a mission; a very important mission – to submit a sample of my little girl’s poop to a diagnostics lab for testing.

My car wasn’t available because the brain box had malfunctioned and I had to park it. That meant I had to move around by public transport.

We had arrived from church that afternoon and had waited eagerly for little Timi to ‘offload’. She had been ill for sometime and was getting better but for her to complete her treatment, there was need for one more test, and it involved a sample of her poop.

Timi ate like a horse (thanks to the B-complex vitamins) she ate her own meal and joined me and wifey to consume ours. She finished off my chicken and almost ate the bones. I was shocked; I didn’t know a one year old could consume that much.

Finally she stopped eating and stood still, her cheeky face rigid and concentrated. She looked into the distance as if trying to comprehend something. I got the message.

‘MJ! Oya bring the container oh! Timi wan begin shit!’

Soon Timi was cleaned up and Wifey handed me a vial filled with her yucky output. It felt warm and I cringed; not at the though of holding my baby’s poop in a transparent plastic but at the thought of carrying it to another destination – like I was some messenger sent to deliver the ‘poop of life’ that would liberate some suffering village (Thanks to the crappy Nollywood movies I had accidentally watched, my imagination was running amok).

It would have been comforting if all I had to do was just board an ‘Okada’ (bike taxi) head there, drop the stuff and come back but that wasn’t the story.

First the journey involved passing through a major road that was under construction; a road that had been graded by caterpillars leaving nothing but brown clay dust all over the road. As cars passed through this road, dust swirled up like a desert sandstorm, covering one’s vision like a thick early morning harmattan fog – only that it was a hot midday afternoon and this was dust, not misty dew. As if to boast of its intesity the dust was on every house along the road, changing every color to dirty brown.

Secondly I discovered that the Okada was going to carry two of us and not me alone. Now I hated riding on okada with another passenger; I preferred being the only passenger but today I wasn’t holding enough ‘change’ so I just climbed on behind the rider and this neatly dressed dude sat behind me.

As the Okada sped along the road, the dust rose and I found myself struggling to stay free from being choked. Cars passing by in the other direction or overtaking us made matters worse by amplifying the thickness of the dust.

The okada man was wearing a helmet with a visor so his face was covered from being blinded by the dust; the dude behind me wore a pair of sunshades so just his eyes were protected.

Only I had nothing to cover my eyes. So I was forced to hide my face behind the Okada man’s back which was not at all comforting. I had to endure looking at his dirty collar and grime caked neck all through the trip while resisting the urge to barf or choke on dry airborne clay particles.

Finally the dude behind me got to his destination and came down. I was so relieved; it was additional torture having a man's privates poking you in the back on a bike. A friend who had been expecting him laughed at us – we had been so pelted by the dust and our hair had turned brown making us look like half-breed albinos.

I hurriedly dusted my hair and face hoping to get all the dust out before I reached where I was going.

When I got to the lab I was directed to where I would drop my ‘cargo’. The lab scientist laughed when he received the vial.

‘Sir, we only needed a small sample, not this much!’

‘Well…at least you have more than enough to work with.’ I said, appalled at the idea of discussing the ratio or measurement of a 1 year old’s shit.

As I was about to leave, one of his colleagues brought something to my notice.

‘Bros, clean your face there’s dust…’

‘Na the road oh!’ I broke in before he could continue and before they mistook it for a woman’s ‘pancake’.

When it was time for me to go back, I steered clear of all the Okadas and judiciously waited for a bus. At least I would be covered and concealed in a bus. It took some time but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t ready to undergo another torture or extreme dirty makeover by that dusty road.

So how do I end this story?

Yeah, I guess I learned a lesson - never ride on a bike in clean clothes on a dusty and untarred road.

I should have thought of that!

5 Nigerian Sensations on making waves on Youtube

2010-11-23T00:25:00.000-08:00

This sounds like a corny title but hey, who knows? It might make a whole lot of sense eventually. I really hope it does. I alos hope its a kind of post worth writing.

There’s a question that I’m sure many people would not be able to answer quite well if asked.

And this is the question -What’s the easiest way to become popular?

If you’re not thinking of the internet then you’re wrong. Many have proven that this phenomenon we call the world wide web has the potential to turn nobodies into somebody.

Kat Stacks became popular for getting into flings with celebrities and exposing their secrets on the internet.

Star Wars kid became somewhat popular after the video of a fat teenager swinging a golf ball retriever as a lightsaber appeared on the internet. It ended up having parodied versions.

I could go on but that’s not why I’m making this post. I was eager to find out if Nigerians had made such an impact online creating videos that became either memes or phenomena on the internet.

Here are the ones I found.

Brother Franklin

A series of videos of a charismatic Nigerian man dancing vigorously during offering time in a church became a sensation on the internet, the most popular being the one above which had over a million views on Youtube. It became popular enough to become a reference point and with time different versions or parodies done by ‘fans’ or those who saw it appeared on Youtube.

Patrick Obahiagbon

This Nigerian politician became popular not because he had some unique policy that would make Naija a better place but rather because of his HEAVY GRAMMAR. There’s usually not much amusing material about Nigerian politicians that one could post on the internet (unless it’s a video of a fight between senators at the house of reps or senate) but Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon has stuff alright. The politician speaks a heavy compilation of grammar that defies logical understanding and leaves you somewhat confused – and he has so much confidence doing it; grammar that makes Pastor Chris Okotie’s elocutions look like peanuts.

Just ‘Youtube’ his name and you’ll find enough material to certify him. Even a spoof or more are available.

Nigerian kids invent new dance

This video actually came from a footage from the documentary ‘Welcome to Lagos’. It features two young Nigerian boys, a fat one and a skinny one doing some funny Naija dance somewhere in Idumota, Lagos. When the documentary came out with its trailer, it showed this clip played to the tune of Terry the Rapman’s ‘I am a Nigerian’.

Now the dance was hilarious, the boys looked like live cartoons prancing before an audience and contorting their faces. The video had over a million views; response videos appeared as a result and spoofs appeared on Youtube. There was one particular spoof where two bare-chested white boys tried to imitate the dance and looked very ridiculous.

Naija Boyz

There’s really nothing much to putting up your music video on Youtube if you’re just an artiste that’s promoting your music. But when you’re a couple of music comedians who spoof music videos and do hilarious remixes then you are someone to watch out for.

This is the case of a duo known as Naija Boyz who are not just another group that’s seeking fame by promoting videos on Youtube. These dudes are actually into the business of spoofing Naija videos and doing African remixes of foreign videos and they do a good job of it.

They’ve become so known on the internet, Nigerians around the world who watch their videos clamor for the next one they would release.

The latest video they made was done to commemorate Nigeria’s 50th independence anniversary. It was a remix of Dagrin’s ‘Ponponpon’ which featured the late rapper in a cut added to it. As usual, they didn’t disappoint with the crazy hilarious material added to it.

These guys are so good, they’ve got people faking them!

Omo Funky

Nigerians are getting into the cartoon thingy with apt seriousness. Omo Funky is a classic 44 seconds animation by Euphorya productions that not only got high response but also made its way to air on Silverbird Television, a Nigerian TV Station. How about that? An animation that made its debut on the internet and appeared on TV eventually. It became more popular in Nigeria after appearing on TV. It’s memorable mostly for the joke it tells of a ‘yankee wannabe’ who stopped denying his heritage after being faced with ‘the bitter truth’.

That’s all I have for now. I’ll keep a lookout for more and if you’ve come across any, do let me know so I can check it out.

Have a nice week!

Nigerian News Spoof - funny

2010-11-18T03:32:00.000-08:00

Forgive me all for the long break and absence. You know how things are once you begin to approach the end of the year here in Naija; most especially when you work in an industry like mine.

Lately, I've been trying to decide which of the stuff I've come up with presently to upload on the blog this month. I hate it when I go on a hiatus by acciedent and leave my blogosphere hanging, even about 5 of my Chronicle X stories are still in the cooler, awaiting final draft before I feature it either here or on Naija Stories.

In the meantime before I load the next entry which I'm doing on '5 popular naija internet sensations' (It may increase to more than 5 if I end up discovering more. However, suggestions on some I could look into are welcome. I love the research), you can enjoy this hilarious yet not too definite spoof of Nigerian News I found on youtube.

Fooling Ourselves Over the Truth

2010-10-28T03:27:00.000-07:00

I was watching a TV program on one of our local stations in Nigeria titled 'Views and Tunes' - a program that accesses artistes and music videos by their lyrics, message, beat sequence, video creativity and impact, and gives them ratings. Those who judged were just a cross section of the public at random met on the streets and in the society by reporters who presented the case. I was watching an episode one day over a particular ariste's video and was surprised when it came to accessing the lyrics of his song and about 85% of the accessors didn't think checking out the lyrics mattered; that as long as the beat was tight it was okay.

The accessment of the music video did not end there. When it came to the 'message' of the song the accessors started saying the song's message was 'this' and 'that', yada yada yada.... Please tell me how on earth you got the message when you didn't give a hoot about the lyrics? Besides, everyone of the accessors just concoted some mumbo jumbo of what they thought about the message of the music.

And to be honest, the lyrics of the song actually had no message. One dude did however try to psychoanalyze it and did a good job. I guess he was just good and creating something out of nothing. But when the artiste himself explained what the music was about, I had to conclude he just made music because he wanted to be heard singing; there was no message in the song.

That set my thoughts racing over an observation I've been trying to fathom over time - people love being ignorant!
They like the idea of just knowing some harsh truths. And I wonder...if ignorance is bliss for most people then God disagrees because he states it in Hosea 4:6: 'My people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge...' Sadly, common human beings seem to disagree with God. Lack of knowledge is a bad thing, and there are many things around us to prove it.

I digress a bit to another sudden observation. How many of you are fans of Kanye West? I'm not but please take a look at this video and tell me what you think. I would have given an introductory expose but I'll just let you form your own opinions. You might want to reject this bit of information but I'll pleade with you to just take a look. Watch this shocking videos (especially the 2nd one) and let me know what you think.

Hmm...maybe someone should tell M.I. to stop trying to be a Nigerian Kanye West. Or is only me that noticed he's leaning towards a Kanye West style, look and mannerisms? Does he know what that hand sign really stands for?

I leave it all to your guess. I would have said a lot more but not everybody actually wants to hear the truth!

Pictures Courtesy
http://www.people.com/

http://www.jaguda.com/

Hustling to make sense - Nollywood Hustlers movie

2010-10-14T02:35:00.000-07:00

Two things actually drew me to check out this Nigerian movie – its poster and Nollywood Forever’s review.

First, the way the poster was designed caught my attention. It’s not as if there was anything way special about it but the placement of the characters and the use of the funny font type was enough to say one thing loud and clear – this is supposedly a funny movie. Sorry I couldn’t get a picture of the actual poster (which is better) but here’s the VCD jacket cover version.

Now, I know there are other versions of the movie poster but not all of them seemed to give the same impression as this one did. The next poster below still managed to look comedic too. I guess it’s the font that seems to be helping mostly.

This next poster below was a disappointment however because it featured a shot of the ‘late’ World Trade Centre in the background! Haba! Does someone think people are too dumb to notice?

Hmm…maybe I’ll start doing an analysis of Nigerian movie posters like the guys on whofartedphotos do with Hollywood movie posters.

Anyway, after reading Nollywood Forever’s review on ‘Nollywood Hustlers’, I was eager to check out Uche Jombo’s performance as a razz character. I must say I was not disappointed but I found out that hers was not the only performance that seemed to hold the movie for me. There was this particular character called ‘Lucky’, the shorter of the two hustlers. Just looking at this guy’s face cracks me up. And the manner in which he delivers his lines are hilarious. If you took the characters of Lucky (Ime Bishop Umoh), Schola (Uche Jombo) and Paulina (Susan Peters) out of the movie, then you’ve got nothing funny to watch. Ejike Asiegbu’s character of ‘Prince’ was also impressive though he had a supporting role; he brought out the razzness of a typical uneducated Igbo businessman.

Razz Paulina (Susan Peters) and Schola (Uche Jombo) try to steal some show at a red carpet event

The whole story of the movie surround two characters, Elvis and Lucky (Charles Inojie and Ime Bishop Umoh) who think the next best way to make money is by shooting a movie; the inspiration coming from Elvis having the dream of tangoing with movie star, Monalisa Chinda. They convince a businessman (Ejike Asiegbu) whom Lucky knows, to fund their project. In the long run, they spend the money enjoying themselves and promising chicks who came to their audition and ended up going out with them that they would make them stars. But they have a problem. How do they get Ramsey Noah and Monalisa Chinda to star in their movie with the little money left? Sounds like a dilemma that requires you to be in comedic suspense of how they would pull it through, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, our suspense gets suspended and replaced with utter disappointment. And what is it with all those prolonged and boring scenes at the beginning?

Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) in his element.

On the other hand, I think Ime Bishop Umoh is a discovery. This dude is funny in the manner of John Okafor and Nkem Owoh who are known for acting roles of stupid characters. But Umoh’s joker would be that crazy look he gives that borders on the edge of a stupid attempt to be seductive yet serious (lol, sorry but that’s how I could describe it). I found myself waiting expectantly for his own delivery in each scene of the movie; the guy has a gentle and naïve way of saying silly stuff that cracks you the hell up.

Lucky making an ass out of himself before Monalisa Chinda and her P.A.

Check him out at the auditioning he was conducting with Elvis where an older woman shows up and he annoying retorts;

‘By the way who even told you that we are auditioning for ancestors?’

Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) tries to mingle with real celebrities at a red carpet event (funny scene!)

Or the bar scene where he’s talking with one of the girls that came for audition and he asks her to be his girlfriend and the girl says she wants to be a star and not just a girlfriend. Lucky angrily tells her to go to blazes informing her that doesn’t she know she has to ‘girlfriend’ her way to the top?

Just as Nollywood Forever put it, I discovered that the movie had a heavy major casting with cameo appearances from other celebrities as themselves (the first of its kind I’m seeing in a Nollywood movie) but sadly I don’t think enough justice was done to the script (If there ever really was one). As I was watching, ideas began to pop into my head on how the story could have fared better. The story could have had a more interesting ending than it did.

Schola (Uche Jombo) now a celebrity is recieving beauty treatment while her P.A. recieves call from Paulina.

Schola’s finale where she received a call (after becoming a celebrity) from her former friend and betrayer, Paulina who wanted a piece of the action was hilarious – the exchange between Schola and her P.A who was answering the call and Paulina’s angry retort at being denied the opportunity (with that funny sound effect) seemed to cover up for the poor attempt to end the story.

For a proper review of the movie, you can check it out on Nollywood Forever’s site.

Good Product. Bad thinking - Focus on a Ghanaian movie

2010-09-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

If I were to ask this question – ‘What really defines taking African movie industry to the next level?’ I’m sure I would get so many answers that point in terms of quality; technological enhancements, camera shooting techniques, special effects among a host of other things that would add interesting output to any movie.

But do sex scenes in movies really define taking the industry to the next level?

I know some people will argue that it is but I beg to disagree. It is not the amount of sex in a movie that makes the movie a classic masterpiece.

Okay, before I digress, let me go straight to the reason for writing this. It has to do with a Ghanaian movie that was released sometime earlier this year; I’m talking of the movie ‘Kiss me if you can’ which starred Prince david Osei, Martha Ankormah and was written and directed by Kobi Rana.

I just got to watch the movie on video recently and was thinking of doing a review of it but out of curiosity decided to find out what people really said about it. From my findings I discovered a lot has been said about the movie. Before it was shown, a trailer came out on Youtube and what people saw was shocking – it had explicit sex scenes spliced all over it. This was surprising because it was very misleading; it gave the movie the image of it being ‘soft porn’ and instantly all over the internet people condemned it, it was reported that it would get banned in Ghana.

The trailer also failed to give any storyline or tease synopsis – which I believe is why a trailer is produced in the first place. Instead it was just scenes of sex, faces, people running here and there and action that says practically nothing. True, you need to sell your movie but do you have to sell the sex and forget the main content?

I say this because the actual story was quite interesting – it’s about two heartbroken people whose paths cross; the guy wants to be involved with the lady but she’s not interested. The guy would do anything to get her and goes through hell to try and win her love till his friend convinces him to go the ‘jazz’ route.

They get a love potion from a female shaman which requires that he makes sure his love interest eats the food laced with it. Unfortunately, it’s the lady’s brother that eats the food and all hell breaks loose because if lover boy neglects the person who took the potion, he would run mad and die.

Yet the trailer never gave any hint about this. Even the movie poster managed to echo the actual story with the haunting question: ‘What is the worst thing you could do to save your life?’

Then in my search I came across an interview session on of one of the film’s stars, Martha Ankormah and director, Kobbi Rana, who also wrote and starred in the movie. The interview was quite an expose in the sense that it revealed some things, especially Kobbi Rana’s mindset that explicit sex scenes was the next level in African movie making.

Haba!

Here are excerpts from the interview. My reactions to the statements are in yellow.

The host asks a question concerning Martha’s role and about the movie and at a point she says this:

Martha: It’s a family movie. People think it’s rated 18 so people under 15 and 16 can’t watch but I can promise you, they can watch because it doesn’t have that much of sex scenes in there.

Hmm…but you had a trailer that’s saying otherwise? And the movie does have vivid sex scenes which won’t be palatable for family viewing. It even starts with a sex scene!

Host: Where are we going (the Ghana movie industry), which direction, where do we want to go with all this? It looks like we keep projecting…

Kobi: (cutting in) Actually it’s simple – Hollywood. Its about time, gone are the days we had clothes on the floor, we pan from the clothes to the bed where we have people having sex and the big blanket…come on, Ghana has come of age…

Come of age in what? Soft Porn? Is it the sex scene that shows that the industry has moved forward or rather gotten sleazy? Is it sex scenes that would make Hollywood check you out?

Host: How does it feel Martha, with your tongue in (the mouth of) a man you’re not going out with. I want to understand…

Martha: Okay…let me come…

Kobi: (Cutting them short before Martha could respond) I was naked with that girl.

O-k-a-y! Dude just confessed but he seemed so eager to do it!

Host: You were naked in that movie with your buttocks, I saw it!

LOL! @ the way he ephasized buttocks!

Kobi: It was acting. My character was naked with that girl in the sex act.

Duh!

Martha: If you know what she…

Host: (his attention is caught by kobbie’s statement)

Kobi: With the ‘Kiss me if you can’, the sex scene with the Farida character, we were naked…and we were doing it.

Host: You didn’t have pant on, nothing.

Kobi: Nothing. As you saw in the trailer, on youtube right now, we were naked in that scene, we had the entire crew in the room; from make-up artiste, make-up girl to costume girl to camera person to lights man…

Errmm are we to give a standing ovation to that? WTH??

Host: Is it the right way to go if you want to …talk about best productions, if you want to say, we’ve come of age. Are those the signs…?

Kobi: …It’s about telling the story fearlessly…

Host: So you think that’s a direction?

Kobi: It’s a directorial concept. If we had done it with the blankets or with the boxer shorts on, the same audience would have said, ‘Ghanaians are too fake’…

Directorial concept? Gimme a break! Is that a concept or just being plain explicit?

Host: (facing camera) Definitely you’ll need to catch them at the National theatre if you can…because they are trying to tell us that this is where we (Ghollywood) are now...

LOL! I sensed some slight sarcasm there!

Later Kobi says towards the end of the interview…

Kobi: And the message (of the movie) is simple; no matter what your ambition is, don’t stop at nothing. Go for it.

Wrong! That’s not the message of the movie. Rather it’s simply this – ‘Stay away from Jazz. It will either ruin your life or kill you!’ Haba! No be you write am?

At this point I'd like to note that this is not the only Ghanaian movie that perpetuated the act of shooting and filling up it's trailer more with explicit sex scenes. There are others which I just won't mention out of the disdain for movie makers who delight in turning a good storyline into a soft porn fest.

On the whole the movie had a good storyline with fast paced action that kept you on the edge of your seat; like an online journal put it – ‘It is an amazing trio of comedy, thriller and tragedy’. Also the dialogues in the movie were well developed and matured in nature. It wasn’t therefore a surprise to me when I gathered that it took the writer 3 years to put it together. I guess it paid off.

Still, as far as I’m concerned, the movie would still have been real good if you removed the sex scenes!

Timi Walks!

2010-09-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

I stood there in the Church Auditorium, my wife with my daughter, Timi, and Tony, a friend of the family standing next to me. The Bishop was about to close the service and he usually does that with prophetic utterances.

I never take this moment for granted. It s the moment of truth; a moment for the birth of a testimony, it’s the moment God’s touch would come at full potency to act on your faith.

The Bishop began proclaiming blessings upon the congregation then in a spirit-filled moment, he asked those who had come to the church with one ailment, sickness or the other to place their hands on the afflicted part of their body.

I looked my wife, her eyes met mine and she understood and she placed her hands on little Timi’s legs.

You see…my little girl was already a year old and three months and she had not started walking. She could hold onto things around the house and walk while doing that but the moment you made her stand on her own, her little legs would begin to tremble, and she would eventually sit on the floor and resume crawling on all fours.

We were concerned about this. Most especially because other babies who were even younger than her were already walking and running about.

You could see the determination in her little face – she had a strong mind of her own, just like me, her father. She wanted to walk, but she just couldn’t do it. And you could see in her actions that she desperately wanted to move those limbs about the house. She had gained weight as she grew and was becoming quite heavy to carry for a long time. It was time she started walking.

It was time we let go and let God.

As the Bishop began to cry out prophetically, I keyed faithfully into his utterances for me (I had a slight cold) and for my daughter. Our ‘Amen’ rang out loud with each prophetic pronouncement.

When the Bishop finished, the church went into a round singing praises and thanksgiving songs. People came out to testify of their instant healings. At that time it didn’t occur to us to check out God’s touch on us. We just thanked him for performing his wonder in our lives – you see, that’s the secret of total healing. When you show appreciation to God for what he has done, he will be delighted to do more.

Later at the family home we were all relaxed with my parents discussing about family issues when my wife called my attention to Timi who was trying to walk. We took her to the end of a long corridor and made her stand on her feet. Then I called to her. She smiled and took a step, then another, and another…then she walked the whole length of the corridor.

Everybody was ecstatic. My parents sang and danced with joy, wifey was jumping up and down in awe, Tony was just grinning like a banshee in wonder.

I whipped out my camera and filmed it.

Sorry I couldn’t upload the video. My internet was acting up so I just had to upload a snapshot from the video of her walk.

I’m so ever grateful to God for this miracle. I just can’t stop thinking of the whole scene.

I still remember her as the tiny baby of yesterday. Today I'm thankful she's become a bigger and healthy little girl, and also thankful that she can WALK!

Gosh...this is definitely fatherhood blues again.

WACO DICO 2

2010-09-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

Like I said in the earlier part, there's some wisdom in witty words...and sometimes stupid ones as the crazy definition I compiled over the internet continues!

OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, istead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you

ARGUMENT:
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but the other just hasn't realized yet.

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

ASSASSINATION:
Extreme form of censorship.

BABY:
A loud voice at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

BABY-SITTER:
Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

BACCHUS:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

BACTERIA:
Rear entrance to a cafeteria.

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

BARTENDER:
A pharmacist with a limited inventory.

BEAUTY:
The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

CANNIBAL:
1) Someone who is fed up with people. 2) A guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT:
Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

EDITOR:
A person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

HIPPIE:
Someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

HYPOCRITE:
Man who murders his parents, and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan.

CELEBRITY:
A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

JUDGE:
Law student who marks his own examination papers.

KLEPTOMANIAC:
Someone who helps himself because he can't help himself.

LAZINESS:
The habit of resting before you get tired.

That's about it.
I hope I didn't make you fall off your chair and embarrass yourself at work...or at home!

WACO DICO 1

2010-08-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I've come to love and appreciate about comedy is the fact that a lot of the funny jibes thrown at the audience has some wisdom or salient truth in it. The same goes for these spoof dictionary descriptions I got via email. I was so intrigued by them that I went a-searching online for more to beef up the collection. take a look for yourself and feel the outrageous wisdom of these wisecracks.

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

DENTIST:
A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.

DISNEYLAND:
People-trap operated by a mouse.

ACHIEVEMENT:
The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.

ADOLESCENT:
A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.

ADVICE:
What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't.

ALIMONY:
A mistake by two people, paid for by one.

AMBASSADOR:
An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.

ANONYMOUS:
The worlds most popular author.

ARCHAEOLOGIST:
Man whose career lies in ruins.

DIVORCE:
Future tense of a bad marriage

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions

YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

IMPOTENCE:
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

INSANITY:
Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.

The Funny names Nigerians give cars

2010-08-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Cars are amazing technological feats that litter our roads round the world today. Every passing year witnesses the debut of a new model or some incredible modification on an existing model. But I’m not here to examine car models or talk about which is the newest innovation.

I’m here to talk about the funny names Nigerians give these cars!
It’s amazing how some cars that have become popular end up getting nicknames which are usually as a result of situations surrounding them or their looks.

I took some time to gather as much as I could on the famous car models that were notorious for one thing or the other way back then and presently today.

The Honda series are usually very notorious for getting names.

‘Pure Water’
Honda Accord 1986
This dude became the people’s favorite among regular sedans in Nigeria. Each time someone thought of buying a car, this Honda was not far off from the consideration list. It became so common that Nigerians nicknamed it ‘Pure Water’ because sachet water was the most accessible commodity anywhere

‘Alla’
Honda Accord 1990
This was another favorite that continued where the 86’ model had left off. It was a heavy amongst the Hausas of northern Nigeria who were obsessed with it. This is how it came to be nicknamed ‘Alla’ because its supposedly said that when a Hausa man boasted about his Honda, he would go; ‘Na my Honda, Allah!’

‘Bulldog’

Honda Accord 1995
This ride gained its nickname because of the way its back was shaped and the way it sat on the ground – like a bulldog.

‘Baby boy’

Honda Accord 1998
The circumstances surrounding this car’s nickname is quite funny. The car sort of became popular after it was spotted in John Singleton’s film titled ‘Baby boy’ which starred Tyrese Gibson in the lead role. Tyrese is seen cruising this Honda with cute alloys in many scenes in the movie.

‘End of Discussion’
Honda Accord 2003

It was the tagline of its Ad that made this car popular as well as its Iv-Tec engine. The Ad simply said – ‘The New Honda Accord. End of Discussion.’ People loved this ride and it caught on like wildfire. However, the nickname ‘Iv-Tech’ later took over the former.

'Anaconda/Evil Spirit'
Honda Accord 2009
When this Honda came out last year, people were alarmed because it had one heck of a scary look when you first came across it, and it was BIG compared to its past models. It got its nickname from the look of its healamps which look as menacing as the notorious Anaconda snake of the amazon jungle. The evil look of the headlamps also gained it a second nickname of ‘Evil Spirit’.

'Orobo'
Toyota Camry 1992
This Toyota Camry probably marked the beginning of the ‘fattening up’ of the Camry range. Its longness and rotundness earned it the nickname ‘Orobo’ which is a Yoruba/pidgin lingo for ‘Fatso’.

'Millenium'

Toyota Camry 1998
Suddenly Toyota must have thought it was time to slim down and introduced a slimmer model that became popular in Nigeria till today. The problem is, it didn’t have any distinctive nickname. The only name I ever gathered it was called was ‘Millenium’ because it came out in the year 2000; when we entered the millennium.

'Big for nothing'

Toyota Camry 2004
The name probably came as a disdain registered by Nigerians at Toyota’s sudden decision to ‘fatten’ up the Camry again. This time it was so big and bogus that it was nobody seemed to see any use for its bigness.

'Muscle'
Toyota Camry 2007
This car turned out to be a correction over the ‘Big for nothing’ because now all the bigness was put to good use; the car had curves that accentuated its beauty and gave it a distinct look; curves people referred to as ‘muscles’. Nigerians couldn’t resist calling this beauty the ‘Toyota Muscle’.

'Beast'

Mercedes Benz 600 1995
This car was a huge monster that came out before most asian cars got into the bigness parade. It was never regarded as a regular car and was seen to eat up space. It was so massive and ugly it became rare and Nigerians just called it ‘the beast’.

'V Boot/ V Nyansh'
Mercedes Benz 300 1990
This ride caught Naija by storm. Nigerians fell head over heels in love with it. It was majestic and a beaut in its time. The design at that time was unique and its nickname, ‘V boot’, was derived from the unique shape of its boot which was later made sexy with the pidgin term ‘V Nyansh’.

COJA

BMW 325i 2001
Not all Beamers got nicknamed in their time, and not all their nicknames stayed as long as other cars. But for this model of BMW, the story is different. It was nicknamed ‘COJA’ after it was purchased for ministers and delegates at the COJA games in Abuja in 2003. The car was the official car of the event and became popular as a result back them. Today, the name has however faded.

Images courtesy:

www.wikimedia.org

www.static.cargurus.com
www.automotive.com
www.instylecars.com
www.miami.oxl.com
www.carconnection.com
www.extremesportscar.blogspot.com
www.manual-book.com

Of Stupid Titles and Awards

2010-08-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

I want to be able to say I’m proud to be a Nigerian but so many people make me scared to say it!

I sat watching the NTA news some days back and was horrified to see another freak show of that silly event we call the Nigerian National Awards – where the wrong people get awarded for supposedly ‘contributing positively to Nigeria’s development’.

What a farce!

Why on earth are we honoring criminals and despots with these awards? I like the way Nnamdi Okosieme from NEXT put it:

“By contrast, many of the men and women honoured…have brought nothing but dishonour to our national image through acts of omission and commission. From those who have tried to pilfer public funds but were stopped dead in their tracks by watchful colleagues and an inquisitive media to those who attained the highest reaches of power through the unlawful overthrow of lawfully constituted governments, we have a collection of individuals who deserve nothing but censure.”

The real heroes who deserve those awards are totally forgotten. Nnamdi’s article focused more on the sports arena and that is very crucial area that has men and women who deserve the awards in plenty.

I laughed when I saw the short nollywood actor Chinedu Ikedezie of ‘Aki & Pawpaw’ fame get awarded. I was wondering what the dude had done to gain the honor, apart from acting. Maybe I’m in the dark; somebody please enlighten me. And what about his partner, pawpaw? Why leave him out? What about other veterans in the industry who have made huge impact in Nollywood? Interestingly, nigeriafilms questions this;

“What a lot of people in Nollywood don't understand was how Chinedu made the list when several veterans who started the race before him have not even been considered for the honours.”

I ask the question; what is the point of the awards? Does it have to do with the craze Nigerians have for titles? It could be. I’ve even noticed that many award ceremonies today are usually not really awarded according to merit but are somehow ‘paid’ for.

I even got to know of one of such at my workplace. We were told to enter some of my company’s portfolio for this advertising festival awards; an award event for the advertising industry. But then, we were required to pay some money for each award entry for some undisclosed reason. Through the grapevine, I heard that the more awards you entered, the more likely, you would be ‘honored’ because your money must pay off.

I’m not against paying entry fee to be considered for an award but it’s fast becoming a money making venture rather than a merit thingy. Oh, and lets not also forget – because Nigerians like titles and awards.

Today, so called ‘eminent’ Nigerians like it when they’re names are called with their full titles. You’d hear names go like this: Chief, Dr. Mrs GoodforNothing Bigshot, MON, FFR, CFAO JP…

I came across a guy one day and asked his name and he told me his name was ‘Engineer so and so’. I almost laughed. Must you show off that you’re an engineer by making it a title? Some Architects are also guilty of this – ‘I am Architect so and so’; like I give a hoot about your title.

And then sometime ago, my church decided to ordain Pastors and Deacons on a particular day. The day came and those who were in attendance were ordained. Those who were absent missed the chance.

The next thing – the absentees started writing letters trying to get another ordination done as if it was their right. This pissed the church leaders and they had to make it clear that this was God’s work not a chieftaincy title ceremony; God does not respect titles. Being ordained a Pastor or Deacon actually meant you’re to have some responsibilities placed on you. And unlike the political arena where thieves and opportunists have the opportunity to keep getting nonsense awards and titles, church is not the place that you stay corrupt and your title remains. You are bound to be found out and relieved of the label you so much covet.

I believe that if you are a good person or a positive achiever, your name should speak for you, not your title. Today, Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka and host of other honorable citizens are respected when their names are mentioned. Even the ‘Prof.’ before their names don’t matter as much. But once somebody is craving for a title so that he can be respected, then he’s nothing but a big joke with low self-esteem.

By acquiring all manner of useless titles and awards, you’re begging to be noticed; but by genuinely achieving something that everyone applauds you command everyone’s attention.

Wisdom lets us understand that you don’t demand respect, you command it.

Spitting Image?

2010-07-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ever since my daughter was born, there has always been the argument of whom she bares a striking resemblance to. At a time she looked like my Dad whenever she sulked; at another time she looked like my Mum; especially when she sprouted gapped teeth (my Mum is gap toothed). Then one of the days I was giving her a bath I noticed her ass looked just like my wife’s. I can’t forget the look on her face when I told her; she had been whining that the girl didn’t resemble her much but I tried to comfort that at least she’s got your ass.

Then one day I came across my baby photos and I couldn’t help noticing that my baby and I looked kinda alike…amazing. Or what do you think?

Daddy's Baby Girl

Daddy's Baby Self

Happy Birthday Standtall!!

2010-07-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

A force for the women amongst men...a celebration amongst geniuses...

a voice that cries out for the sake of the feminine gender

She never forgets my birthday...why should I forget hers?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my paddy Standtall!!

Remember those days in OAU?

By their smells you shall know them…

2010-07-06T05:02:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how the smell or scent coming from a person can create a strong perception of that person. It doesn’t matter where it’s emanating from. As long as you can perceive a certain smell when the person happens to pass by, it can end up shaping your thoughts or opinions towards him or her.

But then I’d like to categorize smells. There are two divisions; the scent and the stink.

Simply put, the scent is the pleasant one while the stink is the disgusting or unpleasant one. And when I think of it, I now understand the important role perfumes and deodorants play in our lives.

When a good perfume or deodorant hits your nose coming from a person, there’s this kind of high regard for the person, especially if it’s someone you’re meeting for the first time or someone who is always wearing perfumes in your office. Your regard may be that of respect for the person’s choice of scent, class of choice, or the person’s realization of the need to smell good.

But just as a good scent can create a good perception, a serious stink can kill it; especially if the person is what I call a ‘smell paradox.’

I’ve come across ‘smell paradoxes’ and it was a disheartening experience because the persons in questions had the good works – looks, poise, dress sense and all.

And what’s the smell paradox? Having a scent and a stink at the same time!

They wore a nice perfume or deodorant but forgot to take care of their breath, reeking feet, etc. Sometimes it’s not deliberate. I have female friends who love to eat good stuff (you know how some ladies can be sweet tooths with all the craving for chocolate and sweet junk) but they fail to realize that after eating these things, sediments get stuck in their mouths and in a short while begins to smell badly. Thus the lady comes around you and you sniff her scent with pleasure but when she opens her mouth to speak, you hold your breath in hidden disgust!

Don’t get me wrong, guys are not excluded in this case. They are most times guilty of the stink.

These are the accidental stinks. Then there are the permanent ones which range from bad body odour to halitosis. Permit me not to go there as long as there are prescribed remedies to right those.

I think it makes sense if one tries to control his smells and ensure they don’t go out of control – like a brother-in-law of mine whom I always chastise to stop wearing the same boxers for more than a day because he generates a stink in them that can make your skin cringe. Or taking time to drink enough water or rinse your mouth properly (with water and not soft drink!) after consuming a heavy meal of ‘fufu’ and ‘ogbono’ soup or wolfing down a box of chocolates or exotic snacks. And what about the individual that sweats a lot? Be sure to control your hygiene or you end up smelling like ‘stale palm wine’ or something rotten.

I remember back in the University when I was in my second year. I was in my room with my roommates when there was a knock on the door. We responded and two ladies came in to preach the gospel of salvation to us. They would have made so much sense that day if not for the stink. I didn’t identify it on time since different smells were in the air till they left and one of my roomies raised the issue.

‘Guys…did you notice the smell when those ladies came here?’

We acknowledged that there had been a smell. He dropped the bomb.

‘That my friends…was the smell of p***y!’

We were shocked and all manner of speculations started flying as my roomies began to suggest maybe the lady who brought the stink was dirty, or had just had sex before coming to preach. To cut the story short, we ended up discussing about stinking private parts and hygiene rather than the message brought before us.

I guess a stink can do a lot of damage.

There was a time we had a pretty lady join our office as contract staff. She came all the way from the USA and was foreign accented such that the only way you could know she was Nigerian was by her name. She was a classy dresser, used nice jewelry and perfume – good scent which made me have a high perception of her as a person…until the day I was about to use the toilet and she stepped out after use. I stepped in and ran out again, almost choking.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying fine chicks no dey shit. This was just a case of accidental stink and to make matters worse, her ‘load’ smeared the inside of the water closet. I wonder how she perched to achieve that.

Other chicks in the office use the toilet but many of them leave behind a fragrance that makes you worry less that a shit episode just took place there. Maybe they take their perfumes with them and apply and freshen up after doing the business. I don’t know how they do it. But Missy here didn’t. She left the place stinking to high heavens.

And as for the men, forget them. They’ll mess up toilets with gas and crap anytime, any day.

I try not to leave a bad impression when I do the doodoo. I carry my own handwash and an air freshener spray if I have one. If I don’t, I reserve the business till the end of the day – except it’s a serious emergency.

Better to leave a scent behind than a stink. Trust me…first impression may last long, but a stink impression lasts longer.

Lionel Richie's Hello - Naija Spoof

2010-06-30T05:53:00.000-07:00

This is really funny. The info says - the song of a yahoo boy in Naija when he gets nabbed rendered in Chipmunk voice.

Hmm...I'm inspired to do something funny too...lol!

INFIDELITY BANK - Magomago plc

2010-06-16T04:08:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how some Banks can turn out to be Oxymoron of what they claim to be. Such is the case of Fidelity Bank which made me see ‘pepper’ just because I needed to receive money sent to me by a relative via the international money transfer system called Moneygram.

It’s not the first time I’m receiving cash from a relative through moneygram, and each time I’ve gone to receive it, there has never been any issue. But on this occasion, someone sent me some money and informed me to cash it specifically at any Fidelity Bank. I wondered why only at Fidelity Bank. Later I was to learn that he wasn’t aware that Moneygram was available and receivable at other banks.

I took time off during break at work to go receive the cash sent to me and stepped into a Fidelity Bank branch on Allen Avenue, near the roundabout. I walked up to one of the cashiers concerned with the process and made my inquiry.

‘Good afternoon. Please is it possible for me to receive Moneygram cash transfers here?’ I asked leaning over the marble counter.

‘Yes sir.’ Replied the sinewy bespectacled young man seated behind the counter.

‘Okay. I’d like to receive some cash that was transferred to me.’

‘Do you have an account with us?’

‘No.’

‘I’m sorry but you have to have an account with us before you can receive any money transfer’

I looked at him, totally dumbfounded.

‘Excuse me? When did one have to have an account to receive money transfer?’

‘That’s the directive sir. You can speak to that lady seated there’ He pointed towards a seating arrangement with two ladies that looked like the customer service area.

I walked over to the desk and made my complaint. I got the same reply and that it was the new order from above.

I left the bank in anger.

Across the road leading to Opebi was GT Bank. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I went in to verify a fact – whether I needed to have an account with them to be able to access money transfer via Western Union which they operated. They told me I didn’t need to.

Two days later I visited another Fidelity Bank just to be sure that this account-before-receiving-transfers thing isn’t a ruse. It was a Fidelity Bank branch near Fadeyi bus stop on Ikorodu Road (pictured above). I went with wifey this time.

I made for the inquiry desk and was told the same thing – I needed to have an account with them to receive the money transfer.

I left the bank in a fit. I said to hell with the cash and almost called the relative to withdraw his money but wifey told me to still chill. She made calls to a friend in another bank about how this Moneygram thing works. The friend told her that there is no such thing as having an account before you can access Moneygram and that you could collect your cash at any Moneygram point!

To be sure, we made our way to a UBA branch at Anthony which operated Moneygram. Within minutes we had received the transferred money and verified ourselves. And nobody asked us to open any yeye account!

This got me wondering – WHAT THE HECK WAS FIDELITY BANK UP TO? I had to conclude that there was ‘magomago’ going on in that bank. They probably needed to get people to open more accounts to meet CBN deadlines so they went ahead to start this stupid lie that you needed to have an account to access any money transfer. They even claimed that it was a directive from CBN!

If you needed to have an account to access a money transfer then it defeats the purpose of transfer giants such as Western Union and Moneygram. Maybe this is why this bank is not so popular with most people. While trying to find a way to get the cash, I had gone round my office asking who had a Fidelity account. I found no one.

Fidelity Bank’s ads echo the slogan ‘we are fidelity, we keep our word’ but I doubt the sincerity and honesty in that line after what I’d gone through. It was a sheer show of trickery and dishonesty; a total oxymoron to what they claim to stand for. I’m just thankful I have a VERY good reason to never bank with them.

Who dash them that name self?

MBGN - Bordello of Deceit?

2010-06-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Warning: If you're a fan, devotee or lover of MBGN, you might find this article disconcerting!

Got home late a few days ago and turned on the TV. The station on air was Silverbird and the programme being shown was the Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria Pageant. I’m usually not a sucker for shows like these because I’ve always believed that there’s a lot of deceit going on there. The only segment that I usually look forward to watching in most cases would be the question and answer session where you’d get to know who the beauty without brains is.

But then, how do you know if some of the questions haven’t been sneaked out to some favored contestants? (Like the popularly known cheating arrangements you get when it comes to Jamb, WAEC or NECO exams).

Methinks the MBGN is a bucket load of lies and just a sensational claptrap to get money spent, free ‘bushmeat’ and build credibility for the outfit behind it.

I’ll never forget an old MBGN pageant that took place sometime in the late 1990s or thereabout where almost all the contestants could barely speak English! It was a shocking barrage of total annihilation of the English language; majority of the girls fumbled on the mic with more confidence than that of Rita of Koko mansion fame. At the end, we were forced to conclude that they had gone to the villages to harvest these girls to ‘fill in the gaps’.

It was the most hilarious pageant I had ever watched and its memory never eludes me.

I never bothered to watch much of the other MBGNs enough to spot more hanky panky until this last one.

It’s 2010 and MBGN hits the limelight again and once again, they played another fast one. And what is it this time? Fake contestants or as they call them - ‘delegates’. About 80% of these contestants were Igbo girls scattered to represent states they probably knew nothing about. The mismatching was alarming; Igbo girls representing Yoruba and Hausa states, Yoruba girls representing Hausa states – did I mention that there were only about 2 or 3 Yoruba girls there? At least those are the ones I recognized. Igbo girls just full everywhere. Please tell me, does this mismatching make any sense?

It gets me thinking that there’s more to it than meets your eyes when you watch this show – did some people play showbiz politics? Did ‘congos get shined’ to get favored? What criteria did they use in judging the winner? I heard the host talking about votes gathered from judges - Wetin dem judge? Was it the best ‘performer’? (Don’t ask me in what).

And again looking very well I sooo much doubt those girls were bearing their real ages! You’ll see one passed as 18 year old, yet you see cellulite of a twenty something year old playing all over her thighs or faces that have seen better days than a past-pubescent youngster. The swimsuit session burnt their cables; majority of the body textures looked ‘very experienced’. Don’t ask me how I knew that; just take it that I’m very observant.

Sorry if this article hurts any feelings but this MBGN pageant was a farce; an entertainment stunt and not a real contest to find out the best in the true sense. Maybe it used to be good before but now its lost it’s real aim. No vex; I no dey see wayo make I no spit my opinion, period!

Selling Death

2010-06-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

I remember the week the news hit everywhere that young rap artiste Dagrin, had passed on after an automobile accident. Everyone, even those who never heard the guy’s music acted like they were affected. Those who never heard his music before listened to it for the first time and began to make comments on what a brilliant and talented lyricist he was.

Soon guys in my office went ahead to buy his CDs from those selling on the streets and before you know it, it became what was being played in the offices. Whenever you drive through the traffic jams, you’d come across street hawkers parading his audio and video CDs.

Last week Friday, we had our monthly ‘village meeting’ (A TGIF thingy) in the office and they had a DJ over to play some music. I was shocked when I heard the DJ playing a Dagrin rap song that was actually performed live on a show on TV – Jimmy Jatt’s Jumpoff – where guest rap artistes had to freestyle to DJ Jimmy Jatts mixes on the console. That was never meant to be on CD but now it was.

Where am I going with all this?

I’ve always heard that in the world of nasty showbiz strategies, sex and violence sells. And this is no wonder with all we see happening on our screens in movies and music.

But I guess there’s one other thing that sells that people don’t really make mention of – except probably those who make money from it and that is – Death.

It’s amazing how death can increase sales and recognition of the late artiste in question. And we see it happening everywhere, where people cashed in on a celebrity’s death.

When Tupac Shakur died, his albums became repackaged; tracks that were never released before suddenly came out. His poetry came out on CDs and today he has sort of become a phenomenon.

Biggie’s post mortem album became a hit after his death and as well as the song that was sang in his memory by his then producer Puffy.

After Michael Jackson’s death ‘This is it’ was released and it was a smash hit.

Now it’s happening in the case of Dagrin. Artistes who featured Dagrin and who might be releasing soon should probably expect sales of their albums to go up.

I remember watching Teju Babyface’s show. They showed a pilot edition last week and it featured Dagrin in a performance then an interview with Teju. If we had ratings for TV shows as they do in the US, Teju’s ratings would have probably gone high for that show.

And the Jimmy Jatt jumpoff spin off on a CD, who knows? It might be Jimmy Jatt cashing in on making his cut from the death of the young crooner.

No doubt about it, death sells but it’s not the favorite option of any artiste hoping to hit the charts.

NB: I don't know if I'm the only one that noticed this but oddly enough, Tupac, Biggie and Dagrin all sang songs about their dying before their deaths. The songs in question all sounded like premonitions. Is there a jinx that if artistes sing about their deaths, they're sigining a death warant? Creepy.

The Chronicles X - Boomerang 2

2010-05-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

Tuesday. 11pm
A big diesel-powered generating plant sounded into the night as it powered the Chief’s big mansion with electricity. There had been a power cut that evening which had thrown the estate into darkness. But within minutes, many houses became lit as generators burst into life. In a high brow estate like this, almost everyone had a generating set or plant.

Chief Osagie was seated in his living room watching a satellite news broadcast when the deadly looking trio walked in all dressed in black casual outfits like they were from some fraternity. Only the leader wore a jacket. This time however, they were without their sunshades.

Apart from the bushy eye-browed leader, the other two had deadlier looking eyes; one had a small scar below his left eye which looked slightly faded in the pupil; no doubt, a testimony to a violent lifestyle.

‘Gentlemen welcome. So how did it go? Do take a seat. What do I offer you?’ The Chief was so eager to hear the gory details.

The leader of the trio smiled and shook his head.

‘No thank you, Chief.’

Chief Osagie gave a hearty laugh.

‘You men are the most business strict persons I've ever met. At least you’ve done the job. Why not get down to a bit of pleasure, eh?’

‘We're not done yet with our job.’

Osagie dropped the TV remote, a nasty frown settled on his face. His jovial and expectant mood instantly gave way to an enraged one.

‘What on earth are you.., you said two days!’

The leader ignoring the Chief’s outburst, slipped his hand into the inner lapel of his -jacket, drew out a gun with a silencer device attached to it and caressed its glittering nozzle.

‘Actually Chief, we did get to Alfred Osindele but he was a higher bidder and offered 6 million for your own head.’

‘Whaaat!’ screamed Chief Osagie and within a micro second after his outburst watched as the leader pointed the pistol at him and squeeze the trigger thrice.

Concluded

© Story - Afronuts
© Illustrations - Sean Baronie
Kimson Masters

The Chronicles X - Boomerang

2010-05-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday. 10pm.

Chief Osagie starred hard into the cold eyes of the three men standing before him. They created a contrast to the luxury of the big spacious living room filled with tasteful furniture; Persian rugs, Egyptian fabric upholstered seats, marble floors and crystal-like glass tables and stools. While everything around them carried the aura of class and opulence, they bore a mean and repelling aura that sent huge goose bumps round your skin. They were all casually dressed in jeans and polo or T-shirts, each one of a different shade and colour. The only similarity in their menacing looks was the dark shades and stone cold expression each one of them wore on his face.

Chief Osagie chuckled. Why on earth were they wearing shades indoors? Is it a fraternal thing or was it just another influence of the hip culture of wearing shades to look cool or deadly? The Chief pulled lightly on his big brown cigar, puffed into the heavily air-conditioned atmosphere and crushed part of the burning embers of his fat Cuban in a marble ashtray.

‘Gentlemen,’ Chief Osagie began, ‘I have seen your ‘resume’ and I’m quite impressed.’

His listeners said nothing but looked on, their eyes seemingly colder and darker than the shades they wore.

‘I also heard you are the best in the business and always do a neat job. Besides that, you only chose to work for the highest bidder, am I right?"

The heftiest amongst them with the strongest composure which suggested that he was the leader, nodded in such a slow manner it unnerved the Chief a little.

‘I heard that Chief Nwanko bid you to work for him for 1.5 million but because I need your service more urgently and since you go to the highest bidder, I decided to hire you for a higher amount – 3 million.’

The hefty one smiled. It was a warm smile that instantly diffused the tension in the air. He turned to look at his shady comrades and they acknowledged with affirmative nods.

‘Go on. We’re listening’, came the response from the leader of the trio. His voice was gentle yet cold..

‘Good’, said the Chief crushing another burnt butt in a beautiful ashtray. For a moment he paused as his eyes caught sight of the untouched brandy his maid had served his guests. He waved at it.

‘Gentlemen, feel at home, have some brandy’.

‘Sorry Chief, but we are here for business and not pleasure’.

The statement caught the Chief a bit off balance. He felt slighted. He was not a

stickler for easily swallowing a blunt refusal over a seemingly good gesture. He opened his mouth to make a counter statement but thought the better of it. At least one thing was certain from the impression they were creating; the fact that they were serious businessmen.

He picked up a large envelope and tossed it on the table in-front of his dark guests.

‘His name is Alfred Osindele. A very powerful businessman whose transport business seems to be the main interest of the city. Mine used to be the best but Osindele has started coming up with some cunning ideas that threatens to dwarf my profits in the transport business. I want you to eliminate him. He is an obstacle to my continuous booming success.’

The leader of the trio picked up the envelope, pulled out the documents, then took off his shades to get a clearer view of the documents and photos.

The Chief got a good look at his face; bushy eyebrows, clear bright eyes and a gaze that seemed to pierce into one’s soul.

‘I thought you had a very good reason for wanting him out of business’, the leader finally spoke, his roving cold eyes sidetracking the Chief's own.

The Chief gave him a nasty look and chewed angrily on his cigar to hide his building fury. The man was beginning to get on his nerve.

‘Look, I'm offering you 3 million to kill the guy. Does it concern you what reasons I have for doing that?’

He was beginning to lose his cool but his guests were not rattled. At a signal from their leader, they promptly stood up. He gave the Chief his last word.

‘Expect Alfred Osindele to be deceased in two days time’. And with that they left without saying goodbye.

To be continued...

Next on The Chronicles X...

2010-05-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

BOOMERANG

How far would you go to stay successful?

One man went the diabolic lenght and learnt that

no matter how high you go,

someone can still beat you to it.

The Murderous Innocents 2

2010-04-29T02:24:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the issue of child soldiers has origins far back than I expected. After coming across this info, I came to realize that it was a phenomenon that pervaded almost any nation that went to war!

According to a report as stated by stolenchildhood.net, more than 120,000 children under 18 years of age have participated in armed conflicts across Africa. Some of these children are no more than 7 or 8 years of age.

Children as young as 10 worked as fighters, spies and domestic workers, some groups abducted girls into sexual slavery.

In addition to the obvious risks to children of participation in armed conflict - which apply equally to adults - children are often at an added disadvantage as combatants. As a result of being widely perceived to be dispensable commodities, they tend to receive little or no training before being thrust into the front line. Reports from Burundi and Congo-Brazzaville suggest that they are often massacred in combat as a result.

Image source

Throughout history and in many cultures, children have been extensively involved in military campaigns even when such practices were supposedly against cultural morals.

The earliest mentions of minors being involved in wars come from antiquity. It was customary for youths in the Mediterranean basin to serve as aides, charioteers and armor bearers to adult warriors. Examples of this practice can be found in the Bible (such as David's service to King Saul), in Hittite and Egyptian art, and in Greek mythology (such as the story of Hercules and Hylas), philosophy and literature.

Also in a practice dating back to antiquity, children were routinely taken on campaign, together with the rest of a military man's family, as part of the baggage. This exposed them to harm from rearguard attacks, such as the one at the battle of Agincourt, where the retainers and children of the English army were massacred by the French.

The Romans also made use of youths in war, though it was understood that it was unwise and cruel to use children in war, and Plutarch implies that regulations required youths to be at least sixteen years of age.

In medieval Europe, young boys from about twelve years of age were used as military aides ("squires"), though in theory their role in actual combat was limited. The so-called Children's Crusade in 1212 recruited thousands of children as untrained soldiers under the assumption that divine power would enable them to conquer the enemy, although none of the children actually entered combat; according to the legend, they were instead sold into slavery. While most scholars no longer believe that the Children's Crusade consisted solely, or even mostly, of children, it nonetheless exemplifies an era in which the entire family took part in a war effort.

Young boys often took part in battles during early modern warfare. One of their more visible roles was as the ubiquitous "drummer boy" – the film Waterloo (based on the Battle of Waterloo) graphically depicts French drummer boys leading Napoleon's initial attack, only to be gunned down by Allied soldiers.

*Drummer boy John Clem during the American Civil War
Image Source

During the age of sail, young boys formed part of the crew of British Royal Navy ships and were responsible for many important tasks including bringing powder and shot from the ship's magazine to the gun crews. These children were called "powder monkeys".
During the Siege of Mafeking in the Second Boer War, Robert Baden-Powell recruited and trained 12-15 year old boys as scouts, thus freeing up the limited number of men for the actual fighting. The boys' success led indirectly to Baden-Powell founding the Boy Scouts, a youth organization originally run along military lines. At the outbreak of the First World War, boys as young as 13 were caught up in the overwhelming tide of patriotism and in huge numbers cheerfully enlisted for active service others to avoid the harsh and dreary lives they had working in British industry. (Now you know the reason the Boys Scout was actaully formed!)

By a law signed by Nicholas I of Russia in 1827, a disproportionate number of Jewish boys, known as the cantonists, were forced into military training establishments to serve in the army. The 25-year conscription term officially commenced at the age of 18, but boys as young as eight were routinely taken to fulfill the hard quota.

In World War II, children frequently fought in insurrections. During the Holocaust, Jews of all ages, including teenagers participated in the Jewish resistance simply in order to survive.
A number of child soldiers served in the Soviet Union's armed forces during the war. In some cases, orphans also unofficially joined the Soviet Red Army. Such children were affectionately known as "son of the regiment" and sometimes willingly performed military missions such as reconnaissance.

*Hitler Youth (Hitlerjugend)
Image Source

On the opposite side, Hitler Youth (Hitlerjugend) was an organization in Nazi Germany that trained youth physically and indoctrinated them with Nazi ideology to the point of fanaticism. Lewis D. Eigen, in his article on the history of the "normality" of use of child soldiers observed:

"The Germans equipped an entire SS Panzer Tank Division and manned it with 16 and 17-year-old boys from the Hitler Youth brigades. As Germany suffered more casualties, more teenagers volunteered and were accepted, initially as reserve troops but then as regulars. The German ethic of the boy soldier not only encouraged such service but towards the end of the war, the Germans even drafted boys as young as 12 into military service. These children saw extensive action and were among the fiercest and effective German defenders in the Battle of Berlin."

*German kid prisoners of war in the streets of Berlin, May 1945
Image Source

In some cases, youth organizations were, and still are, militarized in order to instill discipline in their ranks, sometimes to indoctrinate them with propaganda and prepare for subsequent military service.

In preparation for the possible invasion of Japan by the Allies, Japanese military authorities also trained young teens to charge the enemy with bamboo spears. Prior to that, Japanese school children experienced increased military training introduced through their physical education classes, with military drills becoming a staple part of their curriculum.

There's so much info on the child soldier phenomenon but I've tried to simplify key info as much as possible from what I gathered. And I guess from the look of things, its not a new thing but something thats always been there and part of history.

*Sudanese child soldier
Image Source

I guess it makes sense to say, its a necessary evil that comes with wars, and I guess the more we reduce wars, the more we reduce the risk of annihilating future generations on bloody battlefields.

The Murderous Innocents 1

2010-04-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I saw the movie ‘Hotel Rwanda’. I was shocked to the marrow and prayed that such genocide would not happen in Nigeria (Though we’ve had similarly close cases already!). Then I saw ‘Sometimes in April’ which was far more horrific than ‘Hotel Rwanda’ and I almost wept as I imagined these terrible things happening to people in Africa.

The first ever of such movies I saw was ‘The Rise and Fall of Idi Amin’, a movie so real in its depiction that rumors were rife amongst we ignorant ones that it was real life being documented.
‘Blood Diamond’ exposed the brutal shedding of blood and war by greedy folks all because of diamonds. The ‘Long sleeve or short sleeve’ scene scared my thoughts vividly.

‘Lord of War’ showcased how weapons were illegally sold to African Rebels to help them gain ground over the war. I can never forget the credit opening scene which followed the process of a bullet being manufactured up to the point it ends up being fired into the skull of a child.

More movies everyday depicting the horrors of civil wars and genocides in Africa have been made but I came across a movie with a shocking and very different perspective recently that made me go looking for facts.

I’m talking of Jean-Stephane Sauvaire’s 2008 movie, ‘Johnny Mad Dog’

The movie was extracted from a book by the same tile, written by Emmanuel Dongala, a Congo citizen who fled the country in 1997 during its civil war and now lives in western Massachusetts.
The film focuses on a group of child soldier commandos, led by 15 year old Johnny, who are part of a Rebel faction bent on seizing control of war-torn Congo. They rob, pillage and slay everything in their path and bear names like No Good Advice, Small Devil, Jungle Rocket, and Young Major.

At the same time we also follow the story of Laokolé, also the same age, who simply wants to finish high school and become an engineer. She tries to escape her war torn country with her little brother Fofo, 8 and in the process crosses paths with Johnny as the story progresses.

The acting of the children in this movie was so realistic that I went online on a fact finding mission as to how Jean-Stephane Sauvaire achieved this. I discovered that the kids were actually former child soldiers from the Liberian civil war. They didn’t need to be actors; all they had to do was act what they did during the war. The location shoot was actually in Liberia which had a lot of war torn areas that were apt for the scenes.

To imagine kids like this fighting in the war terrified me; they were younger, had more energy than adults, that apart from being introduced to all manner of drugs and ‘jazz’ to enhance their performance, and they were very deadly as shown by the bloodthirsty No good advice, Johnny’s second in command.

My mind wandered further. How on earth did child soldiers come into existence? Almost, if not every war in Africa has had the factor of kid soldiers being recruited to fight in the war. Is it the poverty level or some other third world factor that makes this happen? I went a-searching and I found shocking results…

To be continued...

Bizzare Jobs From History 2

2010-04-13T03:09:00.000-07:00

The bizarre jobs people got themselves occupied with in the past will just never cease to amaze me…and I’m sure you as well. Did you think the jobs from the first entry were bizarre? Here’s more!

Urinatores

The name gave me a ridiculous first impression when I came across it. The first thing that popped into my head was – did these guys piss for a living? It’s good not to jump to conclusions so quickly ‘cause it wasn’t exactly what I thought it was.

The urinatores were salvage divers from Ostia. The name – with its similarity to urine – is probably a reference to the fact that the deep diving caused so much pressure on their abdomens that they urinated a lot. (What! So if I had a job of tasting the sugar level of a malt factory and it made me shit more regularly would that make my job get named something like ‘Shitmaestro’?)

The divers had but one tool – a kettle shaped diving bell filled with air for breathing and weighed down with lead weights – to help the divers reach up to 30 meters below the surface. Their job was primarily salvage but they also moved construction equipment around. The dangers in this job are obvious but the pay was good – with many of the divers becoming very affluent members of the Roman society.

Na wah oh! Aristocrats with ridiculous careers.

Litter Carrier

Okay. I am now convinced that in the past, people lacked the ability to properly name jobs. A litter carrier sounded like one who emptied the trash on a regular basis. But I was shocked that it was something else…

The litter carrier was a slave whose job it was to cart women (and later men) around in little carriages. It was a hard job and a tedious one and could be dangerous (picture carrying a carriage up a flight of stairs!) The litter carriers were usually dressed in fine garments and the litters became more and more extravagant over the years. In fact, in later years many wealthy romans had windows of glass in their litters instead of the traditional curtains. Documents from the Roman times tell us that it was very uncomfortable to travel by litter as it could make one sea sick. This job has remained to a certain extent in that there is a group of men trained to carry the Papal Sedia Gestatoria (a throne carried on men’s shoulders). The sedia was last used in the 1980s but may make a come back due to recent security complications surrounding Pope Benedict XVI.

I wonder why that is but I sincerely don’t want to know.

Gymnasiarch

The gymnasiarch had a busy job in ancient Greece due to the popularity of athletics. Despite being a dirty job – the gymnasiarch had to oil and scrape the athletes as well as tidy up after wrestling matches and the gymnasium in general, the position was highly sought after by the rich as it was considered the epitome of philanthropic occupations. To qualify as gymnasiarch you had to be between 30 and 60 and you have a large net worth. One benefit of the job was that you got to carry a stick with which to beat sullen youths who misbehaved in the gym.

Hmm…sounds like a sports prefect from a Nigerian high school, a barber and a janitor all in one!

Orgy Planner

Boy! The name says it all O! Just as you have wedding planners, so also did the Romans have orgy planners!

The orgy planner had a very unusual job – he got to plan festivities for the rich of society and, in some cases, got many perks (which I am sure you can imagine without me spelling it out). The orgy planner had to organize food, women, music, and accommodation. The downside to the job is that the orgy planner was not liked by all members of society (particularly those who were never invited to orgies) and the trade was even banned for a short time. The most famous orgy planner was Gaius Petronius who is most famous for writing the satirical book about Roman debauchery called Satyricon.

Hmm…do we have something close to this today? Well, the closest to this would be anybody who decides to throw a very 'bad' party at home when his or her parents aren’t around! Only they don’t get paid to do so, lol!

Funeral Clown

The funeral clown was paid to dress up as the dead person, wear a mask of his face, and dance about acting like him. The Romans believed that this would placate the spirits of the dead and bring joy to the living. As the funeral processed, the funeral clown would run alongside the corpse with other clowns making jokes and mimicking the dead. Some clowns were very highly regarded and even got to mock the emperor at his funeral. They were well paid and an oddly happy diversion from the clowns regular job as the head of a mime troupe.

Making fun of dead people for a living? I wonder why they don’t do this anymore. Probably because it became way too sensitive to those mourning. These Romans sef!

Slinger

A slinger was a man trained to use the sling. The sling was an essential part of roman military strategy because it was more effective (both in distance and damage) to an arrow. As a child, slingers-in-training would be required to kill their dinner – no kill, no food. It was an extremely good way to get youths trained fast. The slinger could throw stones up to one pound in weight and they could be used accurately up to 200 meters.

A job you start preparing for from young age…hmmm. Where they inspired to develop this job after hearing of what David did to Goliath in the Bible?

Whipping Boy

A whipping boy, in the 1600s and 1700s, was a young boy who was assigned to a young prince and was punished when the prince misbehaved or fell behind in his schooling. Whipping boys were established in the English court during the monarchies of the 15th century and 16th century. They were created because the idea of the Divine Right of Kings, which stated that kings were appointed by God, and implied that no one but the king was worthy of punishing the king’s son. Since the king was rarely around to punish his son when necessary, tutors to the young prince found it extremely difficult to enforce rules or learning. Whipping boys were generally of high birth, and were educated with the prince since birth. Due to the fact that the prince and whipping boy grew up together since birth, they usually formed an emotional bond. The strong bond that developed between a prince and his whipping boy dramatically increased the effectiveness of using a whipping boy as a form of punishment for a prince. The idea of the whipping boys was that seeing a friend being whipped or beaten for something that he had done wrong would be likely to ensure that the prince would not make the same mistake again.

Another job that proves that ancient English people were serious oddballs. First; this was a job for a youngster. Second; the job description involved being a scapegoat all the time - getting whipped for a living.

Are these jobs bizarre or what? In those days they probably weren’t. And who knows, maybe a lot of our jobs today will be seen as oddball professions in the future!

Source: www.listverse.com

Bizzare Jobs From History

2010-04-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

*Happy Belated Easter to you all!*

Everybody has to work to make a living one way or the other but just as the world is full of different people, it’s also filled with different jobs. Today, there are jobs that are cool but at the same time there are jobs that are just too bizarre for many of us to be involved in.

But its not the first time we’re having some really strange occupations one can call jobs. Way back in the past bizarre jobs had always existed.

Here are a list of such jobs as I gathered online.

Knocker-Up

A Knocker-up was a profession in England and Ireland that started during and lasted well into the Industrial Revolution, before alarm clocks were affordable or reliable. A knocker-up’s job was to rouse sleeping people so they could get to work on time. The knocker-up often used a long and light stick (often bamboo) to reach windows on higher floors. In return, the knocker-up would be paid a few pence a week for this job. The knocker-up would not leave a client’s window until they were assured the client had been awoken. This all leads to the obvious question: who knocks up the knocker-up?
Gosh! If this kind of job still existed, I would do it on the side with my actual full time job. That’s because I’m an early riser freak.

Jester

Imagine being paid to make fun of Royalty for a living. The Jester is the fool who was permitted to insult the king without losing his head – as long as it made the king laugh. It was a job that came with accolades and with fear. It is also a job unlike any existent today. How many families do you know that employ a private “comedian” so to speak?
But, while the job did vanish from history for hundreds of years, as recently as 1999 one Kingdom (Tonga) has appointed an official jester. In a bizarre (and very amusing) twist, the man appointed happened to also be the government’s financial advisor. He was later embroiled in a financial scandal. The American jester to the Tongan court was Jesse Bogdonoff and he is pictured above.

Toshers and Mudlarks

A tosher was someone who scavenges in the sewers, especially in London during the Victorian period. The toshers decided to cut out the middle man and it was a common sight in 19th Century Wapping for whole families to whip off a manhole cover and go down into the sewers, where they would find rich pickings. As most toshers would reek of the sewers, they were not popular with the neighbors. Similarly, the mudlarks were people who would dredge the banks of the Thames in the early morning when the tide was out. They would have to wade through unprocessed sewerage and even sometimes dead bodies in order to find little treasures to sell.
This job just rang a bell in my head – the fact that they still exist today in Nigeria. Ever seen to a Lagos refuse dump lately? You’ll see them there, so many of them, scavenging the heaps. They used to have a knickname amongst some Lagosians– ‘Alumi’. But the western world today would rather refer to them as ‘Recyclers’ or ‘Scavengers’.

Stercorarius and Gong Farmer

Ancient Rome was famous for its extensive sewer system. But despite having such an advanced method of dealing with poop, there was the problem of the smells that would leak into people’s homes and the rats and other vermin that lived in the sewers. This meant that most houses needed to deal with their poop in some other way. This is where the Stercorarius comes in. He would travel door to door collecting all the human waste and cart it off to the edge of town where farmers would buy the dung for their crops.

A gong farmer or gongfermor was the term used in Tudor England for a person who removed human excrement from privies and cesspits, gong being another word for dung. Gong farmers were only allowed to work at night and the waste they collected, known as night soil, had to be taken outside the city or town boundaries. As flushing water closets became more widely used, the profession of gong farming disappeared. A latrine or privy was the toilet of the Middle Ages. A gong farmer dug out the cesspits and emptied the excrement. Gong farmers were only allowed to work between 9 pm and 5 am, and were permitted to live only in certain areas, for reasons that should not be too elusive.
Due to the noxious fumes produced by human excrement, coroners’ reports exist of gong farmers dying of asphyxiation. This was obviously a shit job to have. Imagine what the gravestone would read, ‘Here lies our dear Mr. packer who died from the smell of shit’

Crap…another bell goes off in my head. Is this not the same thing we used to have in Nigeria way back in the early 1980s called Night Soil men? People who pack and dispose your shit for a living?
Oh…and I googled that name ‘Stercorarius’ and found that it was the biological name of a dung beetle that feeds on the shit of herbivores.

Dog Whipper

Sometimes I wonder the kind of people that lived in these ages. There are some careers that can make yell WTH?? - like the Dog Whipper.
A Dog Whipper was a church official charged with removing unruly dogs from a church or church grounds during services. In some areas of Europe during the 16th to 19th centuries it was not uncommon for household dogs to accompany – or at least follow – their owners to church services. If these animals became disruptive it was the job of the dog whipper to remove them from the church, allowing the service to continue in peace. Dog whippers were usually provided with a whip (hence the title) or a pair of large wooden tongs with which to remove the animals. They were generally paid for their services, and records of payments to the local dog whipper exist in old parish account books in many English churches.

Groom of the Stool

The Groom of the Stool was a male servant in the household of an English monarch who, among other duties, “preside[d] over the office of royal excretion,” that is, he had the task of cleaning the monarch’s anus after defecation. In the early years of Henry VIII’s reign, the title was awarded to minions of the King, court companions who spent time with him in the Privy chamber. These were the sons of noblemen or important members of the gentry. In time they came to act as virtual personal secretaries to the King, carrying out a variety of administrative tasks within his private rooms. The position was an especially prized one, as it allowed one unobstructed access to the King’s attention. Despite being the official bum-wiper of the king, the Groom of the Stool had a very high social standing.
Uugh!! Thank God I was born in this century and not into a noble family! I just can’t fathom this – mopping an old geezer’s ass after taking a crap! But I know some people who wouldn’t mind if the pay was good (plus the connection to the king). But we have people with similar jobs today – those guys that attend to you after using the toilets. The only thing is, wiping your ass is not part of their job description.

Curse Tablet Maker

Curse tablets were thin sheets of soft lead which had curses written on them. The curses were then affixed by nails to the altars or walls of temples. The poor curse tablet writer had to sit day in and day out hearing the complaints and woes of his customers who needed curses written. Fortunately many of these curse tablets have survived to modern times so we can get a glimpse of life and the way thinking of the Romans. Here is one example: “bind every limb and sinew of Victorius, the charioteer for the Blue team.. the horses he is about to race… blind their eyes so they cannot see and twist their soul and heart so they cannot breathe.”

Ha! If this was still in existence as a profession, I might make a bit of fortune. All I have to do is just sit with my indigenous Yoruba folks, those people sabi curse! That is one tribe with a repertoire of curses that English language will never be able to translate.

There are more funny and odd professions but I'll stop here for the sake of this post becoming too long. Maybe I'll put more up in a second post...maybe!

Source: www.listverse.com

Wheelchair Chick & Eating with Kids

2010-03-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

It's so funny when we let our imaginations roam wild. I found this two short animations frigging hilarious. And I noticed one thing that really helps comedians - when they use real life circumstances and add colors to it or just put it out in the funniest way they can.

Ever thought of dancing with a chick in a wheelchair? Or what's your opinion of eating with little children with all their little hands going into your food and with them drooling spit all over you?
Watch these...real funny stuff.

Acid Rain And The Mystery Fog

2010-03-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I got a forwarded email from a yahoogroup of which I was a member. The topic caught my attention. It was a mail warning of a forthcoming Acid rain that would soon hit the streets.

I was incensed on getting this mail. In all my webtime spent on the internet, I’ve come to realize the myriads of fake alarms circulated via the internet by some scare junkies. So coming across a mail like this got me really skeptical about the whole issue.

But then a number of happenings got me wondering whether there could be some truth in this matter.

First of all, the controversy surrounding Chemtrails.

If you happen to be outdoor at anytime of the day and you saw an aircraft flying across the sky and leaving behind a long trail of smoke which doesn’t fade away easily, chances are that you’ve just spotted a Chemtrail. What it’s supposed to have been is a Contrail. But while Contrails are just a matter of smoking planes of which the trail of smoke doesn’t stay long in the air, Chemtrails stay longer in the air and still get to be vividly noticed than a Contrail.

And Chemtrails are known to be chemicals sprayed in the air for some diabolic reason. It’s equally a method used for biological warfare too. And then some evil people who probably want to create an artificial disease so that they can sell the cure and make money or just reduce population would consider doing it this way.

Here in Lagos, I happened to notice a Chemtrail once and wondered what on earth it was being sprayed for. But that was nothing compared the numerous ones reported in different places in the US. (Google and see for reference).

A couple of years ago, Lagosians awoke to discover that the whole of Lagos was foggy. The problem was that it was not yet Harmattan season and this particular fog had a peppery sensation to the eyes. It was a scary situation but later it was discovered that a chemical from somewhere had leaked into the atmosphere. Till today, no one can really pinpoint the genesis of that strange mist.

Now I woke up this morning to discover that everywhere had suddenly gone foggy and Harmattan was still far off. The Rainy season which came before Harmattan had not even started fully. The cars in our compound had gone dusty overnight. I thought it was because of something that got burnt somewhere and smoked through the atmosphere.

It was not until midday while at work that everybody noticed that it was still foggy and word was beginning to go round that the rumoured Acid rain would soon hit.
I had to question whether it was that easy.
I went online searching information on Acid Rain and came across stuff that debunked the whole rumour.
According to an article from a citizen focused NGO:

The so-called “acid rain” issue has been used for many years to press for more regulations and restrictions on the activities of citizens throughout America. Alarmists claim that acid rain has wiped out fish in many lakes and streams, destroyed forests, ruined crops and buildings, and that it poses a serious threat to human health. What is referred to as “acid rain” is simply rain that has absorbed airborne particles from both natural and manmade sources. Although some groups continue to try to scare Americans with stories of acid rain, scientific evidence shows that these stories are greatly exaggerated.

The truth is that after a decade of research, scientists have concluded that the so-called threat of acid rain is largely nonexistent.

With that, I could conclude that the acid rain theory was just another cock and bull scare tactic.
But what about the strange fog that’s currently pervading Lagos as at the time of this post?
Is the weather going crazy, has there been another chemical accident or somebody is just playing diabolic games?