WACO DICO 1

One thing I've come to love and appreciate about comedy is the fact that a lot of the funny jibes thrown at the audience has some wisdom or salient truth in it. The same goes for these spoof dictionary descriptions I got via email. I was so intrigued by them that I went a-searching online for more to beef up the collection. take a look for yourself and feel the outrageous wisdom of these wisecracks.


CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!




CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


DENTIST:
A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.


DISNEYLAND:
People-trap operated by a mouse.


ACHIEVEMENT:
The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.


ADOLESCENT:
A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.


ADVICE:
What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't.


ALIMONY:
A mistake by two people, paid for by one.


AMBASSADOR:
An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.


ANONYMOUS:
The worlds most popular author.


ARCHAEOLOGIST:
Man whose career lies in ruins.


DIVORCE:
Future tense of a bad marriage


LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either


COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece


TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!


DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage


CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on


MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before


CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read


SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life


ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do


COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together


EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes


ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions


YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught


DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip


IMPOTENCE:
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"


INSANITY:
Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.

The Funny names Nigerians give cars

Cars are amazing technological feats that litter our roads round the world today. Every passing year witnesses the debut of a new model or some incredible modification on an existing model. But I’m not here to examine car models or talk about which is the newest innovation.


I’m here to talk about the funny names Nigerians give these cars!
It’s amazing how some cars that have become popular end up getting nicknames which are usually as a result of situations surrounding them or their looks.


I took some time to gather as much as I could on the famous car models that were notorious for one thing or the other way back then and presently today.

The Honda series are usually very notorious for getting names.

‘Pure Water’
Honda Accord 1986
This dude became the people’s favorite among regular sedans in Nigeria. Each time someone thought of buying a car, this Honda was not far off from the consideration list. It became so common that Nigerians nicknamed it ‘Pure Water’ because sachet water was the most accessible commodity anywhere

‘Alla’
Honda Accord 1990
This was another favorite that continued where the 86’ model had left off. It was a heavy amongst the Hausas of northern Nigeria who were obsessed with it. This is how it came to be nicknamed ‘Alla’ because its supposedly said that when a Hausa man boasted about his Honda, he would go; ‘Na my Honda, Allah!’

‘Bulldog’

Honda Accord 1995
This ride gained its nickname because of the way its back was shaped and the way it sat on the ground – like a bulldog.

‘Baby boy’

Honda Accord 1998
The circumstances surrounding this car’s nickname is quite funny. The car sort of became popular after it was spotted in John Singleton’s film titled ‘Baby boy’ which starred Tyrese Gibson in the lead role. Tyrese is seen cruising this Honda with cute alloys in many scenes in the movie.

‘End of Discussion’
Honda Accord 2003

It was the tagline of its Ad that made this car popular as well as its Iv-Tec engine. The Ad simply said – ‘The New Honda Accord. End of Discussion.’ People loved this ride and it caught on like wildfire. However, the nickname ‘Iv-Tech’ later took over the former.

'Anaconda/Evil Spirit'
Honda Accord 2009
When this Honda came out last year, people were alarmed because it had one heck of a scary look when you first came across it, and it was BIG compared to its past models. It got its nickname from the look of its healamps which look as menacing as the notorious Anaconda snake of the amazon jungle. The evil look of the headlamps also gained it a second nickname of ‘Evil Spirit’.

'Orobo'
Toyota Camry 1992
This Toyota Camry probably marked the beginning of the ‘fattening up’ of the Camry range. Its longness and rotundness earned it the nickname ‘Orobo’ which is a Yoruba/pidgin lingo for ‘Fatso’.

'Millenium'

Toyota Camry 1998
Suddenly Toyota must have thought it was time to slim down and introduced a slimmer model that became popular in Nigeria till today. The problem is, it didn’t have any distinctive nickname. The only name I ever gathered it was called was ‘Millenium’ because it came out in the year 2000; when we entered the millennium.

'Big for nothing'

Toyota Camry 2004
The name probably came as a disdain registered by Nigerians at Toyota’s sudden decision to ‘fatten’ up the Camry again. This time it was so big and bogus that it was nobody seemed to see any use for its bigness.

'Muscle'
Toyota Camry 2007
This car turned out to be a correction over the ‘Big for nothing’ because now all the bigness was put to good use; the car had curves that accentuated its beauty and gave it a distinct look; curves people referred to as ‘muscles’. Nigerians couldn’t resist calling this beauty the ‘Toyota Muscle’.

'Beast'

Mercedes Benz 600 1995
This car was a huge monster that came out before most asian cars got into the bigness parade. It was never regarded as a regular car and was seen to eat up space. It was so massive and ugly it became rare and Nigerians just called it ‘the beast’.

'V Boot/ V Nyansh'
Mercedes Benz 300 1990
This ride caught Naija by storm. Nigerians fell head over heels in love with it. It was majestic and a beaut in its time. The design at that time was unique and its nickname, ‘V boot’, was derived from the unique shape of its boot which was later made sexy with the pidgin term ‘V Nyansh’.

COJA

BMW 325i 2001
Not all Beamers got nicknamed in their time, and not all their nicknames stayed as long as other cars. But for this model of BMW, the story is different. It was nicknamed ‘COJA’ after it was purchased for ministers and delegates at the COJA games in Abuja in 2003. The car was the official car of the event and became popular as a result back them. Today, the name has however faded.


Images courtesy:

www.wikimedia.org

www.static.cargurus.com
www.automotive.com
www.instylecars.com
www.miami.oxl.com
www.carconnection.com
www.extremesportscar.blogspot.com
www.manual-book.com

Of Stupid Titles and Awards

I want to be able to say I’m proud to be a Nigerian but so many people make me scared to say it!

I sat watching the NTA news some days back and was horrified to see another freak show of that silly event we call the Nigerian National Awards – where the wrong people get awarded for supposedly ‘contributing positively to Nigeria’s development’.

What a farce!

Why on earth are we honoring criminals and despots with these awards? I like the way Nnamdi Okosieme from NEXT put it:

“By contrast, many of the men and women honoured…have brought nothing but dishonour to our national image through acts of omission and commission. From those who have tried to pilfer public funds but were stopped dead in their tracks by watchful colleagues and an inquisitive media to those who attained the highest reaches of power through the unlawful overthrow of lawfully constituted governments, we have a collection of individuals who deserve nothing but censure.”

The real heroes who deserve those awards are totally forgotten. Nnamdi’s article focused more on the sports arena and that is very crucial area that has men and women who deserve the awards in plenty.

I laughed when I saw the short nollywood actor Chinedu Ikedezie of ‘Aki & Pawpaw’ fame get awarded. I was wondering what the dude had done to gain the honor, apart from acting. Maybe I’m in the dark; somebody please enlighten me. And what about his partner, pawpaw? Why leave him out? What about other veterans in the industry who have made huge impact in Nollywood? Interestingly, nigeriafilms  questions this;

“What a lot of people in Nollywood don't understand was how Chinedu made the list when several veterans who started the race before him have not even been considered for the honours.”

I ask the question; what is the point of the awards? Does it have to do with the craze Nigerians have for titles? It could be. I’ve even noticed that many award ceremonies today are usually not really awarded according to merit but are somehow ‘paid’ for.

I even got to know of one of such at my workplace. We were told to enter some of my company’s portfolio for this advertising festival awards; an award event for the advertising industry. But then, we were required to pay some money for each award entry for some undisclosed reason. Through the grapevine, I heard that the more awards you entered, the more likely, you would be ‘honored’ because your money must pay off.

I’m not against paying entry fee to be considered for an award but it’s fast becoming a money making venture rather than a merit thingy. Oh, and lets not also forget – because Nigerians like titles and awards.

Today, so called ‘eminent’ Nigerians like it when they’re names are called with their full titles. You’d hear names go like this: Chief, Dr. Mrs GoodforNothing Bigshot, MON, FFR, CFAO JP…

I came across a guy one day and asked his name and he told me his name was ‘Engineer so and so’. I almost laughed. Must you show off that you’re an engineer by making it a title? Some Architects are also guilty of this – ‘I am Architect so and so’; like I give a hoot about your title.

And then sometime ago, my church decided to ordain Pastors and Deacons on a particular day. The day came and those who were in attendance were ordained. Those who were absent missed the chance.

The next thing – the absentees started writing letters trying to get another ordination done as if it was their right. This pissed the church leaders and they had to make it clear that this was God’s work not a chieftaincy title ceremony; God does not respect titles. Being ordained a Pastor or Deacon actually meant you’re to have some responsibilities placed on you. And unlike the political arena where thieves and opportunists have the opportunity to keep getting nonsense awards and titles, church is not the place that you stay corrupt and your title remains. You are bound to be found out and relieved of the label you so much covet.

I believe that if you are a good person or a positive achiever, your name should speak for you, not your title.  Today, Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka and host of other honorable citizens are respected when their names are mentioned. Even the ‘Prof.’ before their names don’t matter as much. But once somebody is craving for a title so that he can be respected, then he’s nothing but a big joke with low self-esteem.

By acquiring all manner of useless titles and awards, you’re begging to be noticed; but by genuinely achieving something that everyone applauds you command everyone’s attention.

Wisdom lets us understand that you don’t demand respect, you command it. 

More on the rubbish awards here