Signs of The Times 10 [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, March 31, 2014

Illiteracy is comedy; Ignorance is a comic relief and in between hangs the ridiculous. These facts are being proven and showcased every day around us. All it takes is for you to just keep your eyes peeled and on the lookout any time you're passing through ghettos or rustic neighborhoods. Sometimes you'll even see it in the city. Check out more funny stuff in this 10th installment of Signs of The Times

Just like everybody now owns a cellphone, everyone also carries a business card
I just wonder what the job description of a 'Managing Director' of goat meat selling actually is in the case of this one...

This is a church banner? I thought it was a movie!
And that's the Pastor in marine uniform? I thought it was...ah fogerrit!

Remember that task of writing names of noise makers in Naija public and
private schools? This is how the list of a very wicked person looks like
- the ultimate amebo.

Signboards that prophesy a very dark future for people with Klepto careers.

Can you guess what's wrong with this signboard?

I spent a great deal of my childhood snacking on this type of Kulikuli.
See how person package am...this one na correct SPAM. 

Nearly lost my eyes reading this banner. Dem local government officials
were just too local to speak correct english.

LOL...I hope radiation no go kill person for inside here.
Atomic bomb spirits in action...whoa!

It must be an urban babalawo that put up this banner.
They should probe the person...he might know about okija shrine
and Ibadan house of horror.

Heu! designer T-shirt fabricated 'gbagaun-ly' by some illiterate Nigerian.

I smell 419 here...anyway, I don't drink so I don't care.

Huh? The way we Nigerians twist the English language into knots
gets alarming everyday

But you stole their letters. Abegi...

So going to National conference is an achievement?
Eh...make she add am put for her CV nah...nonsense.

Aargh! I just bit my tongue trying to read this...haba!

The books sold here must smell of fish and chicken -
that is if they sell books. And they sell frozen recharge cards too.
...WTH is that? Okay maybe I didn't read it right.

Na seminar, church service or buka service dem dey do here?
Because this titles are confusing.

Introducing toddlers to politics...that is one twisted idea if you ask me.
Wait...a head boy? In kindergarten? 

This is a very common type of signboard at any local Naija shop or joint.
Even the abokis selling sweets and cigarettes write it too.

Na only valuables? The vehicle nko?
I'm not sure this signboard was in Naija but the message is just hilarious

Maybe the owner of this gym used to be a yahoo-yahoo boy before.

Haa! See how my church members are falling my hand oh!
Wetin concern Chelsea FC with church service?

I am a celebrity...and this can never be my church!
Dem wan turn church into association and parapo!

I presume the available wives and hubbies are HIV positive abi?

Not an intended pun...not even a pun. I wonder how the writer's mouth looks
when he pronounces this lecxical abomination.

Seriously...is this for real?
What a waste of school fees!

Thanks for reading. Have an awesome week ahead!

Dancing Ass-vertisement in Church [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 27, 2014

I came across this church video where a 'dancing ministration' took place and it had the female dancers flashing ass and panties all over the place. It was a ballet kind of performance but for goodness sake, how is this kind of performance supposed to go down with the men in the house watching? It just was a desecration of God's altar. One of the dancers was even wearing a part strapless outfit which is really not a good choice for this kind place. There are better dancing outfits that can conceal such exposures...besides I don't think this form of ballet should be performed in churches because there's no way you won't flash some ass - costume properly or not.

The commentator in the video makes some hilarious but good point about the whole shenanigan. Mothers of the church even had the nerve to give not just an applause but a standing ovation!

Like many would say 'we are in the last days' because of the emerging of every prophesied part of the Bible. A lot of funny and weird stuff have befallen Christianity today; some pastors are going insane and telling church members to eat grass, some are twisting the gospel and telling their congregation that nobody will go to hell - calling it the gospel of inclusion, some preach the gospel looking all 'exposed' and calling their ministry 'The Gospel from the Strippers Pole'....the abomination and blasphemy is endless.

Hian!

God save the church oh...

The Harrowing Experiences of Boko Haram Victims [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Many heard about this news or read about it but never saw the video report. Sometimes I wonder how BBC is able to get reports that our local news channels can't seem to access. 

Boko Haram victims that escaped? How come no Naija news reported anything like this? Its shocking that we get to hear about this from a foreign news network. 

Check out the video if you never saw it:

Though I won't say not all our local News networks are not capable of bringing such coverage. I know Channels TV is able to such; its no wonder they are the only station to have lost a reporter on the scene of an insurgent attack.

Randoms: Presido wets his pants, David Mark's Helipad, Cynthia becomes a Yoyo, Kcee & his Yellow lizard....

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, March 19, 2014

While giving an important speech during the launch of his re-election campaign, the President of Colombia,  Juan Manuel Santos was caught on video wetting his pants.

This amazing video showed the moment Juan Manuel Santos was giving the important speech when a wet spot suddenly began appearing in the crotch area of his beige pants.
The 62 year old, who is not known to have any disease, continued on with his speech, seemingly oblivious to his wet pants. As he continued his speech in the city of Barranquilla, the wet patch increased in size.
Santos, a liberal-conservative, is seeking to retain his position when the second largest country in South America goes to the polls in two months. He is facing competition from former Bogota Mayor Clara Lopez Obregon.
The president hopes that when voters will be going to the polls they won’t remember this embarrassing incident.

Could it be that he was sweating down below? Or what on earth would make a grown man wet his pants live while giving a speech? Could it be that the adrenaline rush of acceptance by the crowd before him sent his bladder running amok? If only his pants had been black in color hew would have gotten away with it.

Well...lets hope it doesn't affect his votes. But seriously, how does live pissing at gathering affect votes sef?

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Somebody put up a photo of a mansion with a helicopter launchpad on top which was purported to belong to Senator David Mark.

If this is really true then it really says a lot about why our leaders don't have an inkling of how bad things are in Naija. This was the same man who once said mobile phones are not for everybody way back before the debut of GSM. Somebody like that would have swallowed his words on being reminded of what he said back then.

And like the poster of this photo said, how dem go take know how bad Naija roads are when they always fly instead? Even this man don go as far as having a 'garage' for helicopter. All over the social media there has been this demand '#WhereIsOurMoney?'...well I guess the answer is clear. Look at this house and the copter launch pad - there is part of our money!

Shikena!

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Remember this popular paparazzi photo that seemed to capture Asiwaju Bola Tinubu being caught red-handed by his wife Remi, checking out Sade Okoya's boobs at Chief Rasaq Okoya's 75th birthday in 2010? Blogs trended the photo back then...

One could have just labelled it as a coincidence but when a different photo surfaced from the Okoya's recent ceremony of vow renewal between Shade and her hubby, Chief Rasaq Okoya, I couldn't help but notice another coincidence where Tinubu was standing next to Shade again and the photo looked like a sequel to the 2010 one

 Hey, its just a speculation oh! Abeg no go dey yarn outside say I talk am for here say Tinubu is cutting show with Madam Okoya!

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Okay...I think its becoming clear what it takes for one to become a celebrity, especially when you're a artiste not making enough waves - Just bleach yourself yellow like yoyo and snap naked and half naked photos!

Yes now...there are proofs everywhere. Check out Cynthia Morgan - heard she's an artiste signed onto Jude Okoye's music label. By the way, Jude is Psquare's elder brother.

Cythia...as she is now and as she was then

She for no take these photos...I no see selling point here oh

If you noticed, the bleaching craze has upped its game as more celebrities are scrambling to turn 'yellow' by all means. And Madam Dencia's Whitenicious is suspect as usual. Somebody once told me that celebrities are bleaching in order to look more appealing to the camera - especially those who are actors and actresses. Too bad they've been neck deep in it before Lupita Nyong'o came along and made artificial 'yellow' folks feel stalked by their conscience.

Did Cynthia go 'yellow' for the sake of relevance? And did she go nude so as to create a selling point for herself as a brand? Haven't we seen 'em all before?

But this bleaching tinz....its not good oh! They wan make black folks become extinct?

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Naija music videos are fast becoming a boring watch due to lack of creativity nowadays so I understand the attempt by Kcee (or was it by the director of the shoot?) to try and do something different from the usual.

Unfortunately, the awkward decision to put a dancing animated yellow lizard in his recent 'Hakuna Matata' video was one serious error.

Watching the whole video, I could see no relevance of the dancing creature (which resembled a cross between a Jim Henson muppet and Sid the Sloth in the Ice Age movie) being there. There was no story line or plot to the video and the song had nothing to do with a friendly reptile grooving with humans.

So what was all the animated glitch for?

To make matters worse, the yellow lizard animation looks so fake; the animation is not excellent, its more of a forced 3d job - like the ones you get in a badly produced nollywood movie with stupid CGI effects.

The best way to deduce that the yellow lizard was not necessary is simple - if we minus the lizard, do we lose anything? Can the video still stand?

Yes it can!

I know Kcee is trying to do things differently and wants to be able to shoot music videos that are family friendly (heard he said that to Clarence Peters during his 'Pull Over' video shoot) but this was not properly done. The 'Pull Over' video still beats this one hands down.

Nice try Kcee. At least you try, some other artistes no even dey think at all.

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Flashback Friday: Bright Chimezie's Evergreeness

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, March 14, 2014

I remembered when I first accidentally came across Ziggima music icon Bright Chimezie on TV. I was in high school back then and was skipping through stations for what to watch. I eventually got tired and left it on one station and his music 'African Style' came on as a filler (you know those open spaces of transmission time on Naija local TV stations that are usually filled up with random music videos). I listened for a moment and I was sort of entranced by his music despite my youthful exuberance and western preferences.

Chimezie in his younger years

The part of the song that got me most hooked was the one where he told a tale of his trip to a western nation and decided to eat a Nigerian meal instead of theirs and the shocked white folk called for the police to report that he was 'committing suicide'. The most popular hook of that part of the track is where he says 'Police eh, police eh, police, he's committing suicide oh; the black man wey dey here is committing suicide oh' . That line stuck with me forever.

Chimezie's music was an urban upbeat kind of high-life with pulsating beats and bass-lines that would make anybody nod to it. He was very creative and stylish with his vocals which was punctuated in systematic rhythm. Many of his songs also carry humorous anecdotes, tales and thought provoking references. This are the elements that make his brand of music evergreen. On listening to 'African Style' again, I was overwhelmed with the quality - it sounded like music that was still very applicable for traditional dance halls today.

A recent photo of Chimezie 

Its equally apparent that breed of artistes that sing like Bright Chimezie seem to be fast going into extinction. Many of his songs are like medleys that stretch deliciously into about 11 minutes of play (also typical of other genres like Juju music, Fuji etc) I once got an insider info that Flavour N'abania used to do gigs that followed the nature of this music. No wonder he's grounded in a contemporary type of urban high-life music; also we can see that he started off with doing remixes of high-life greats. I'm looking forward to seeing who would come out first to do a remix of any of Chimezie's hits.

The last time I saw Chimezie was during the COSON dinner that held at the Muson Centre, V.I. He still looked as vibrant despite his older look. I even came across a more recent video of a 10 minute track he released some time back titled 'Because of English'. Apart from the fact that he has aged over time, he hasn't lost his spark as reflected in the video. He even did some of his trademark moves in the video. And in his usual way of dishing out informative anecdotes, he gives a tour of the Igbo alphabet as well as reminisces of the dangers of speaking vernacular in high school.

I could definitely relate to the later.

In all thism Chimezie has not lost sight of his trademark look (talk about personal branding) of sleevesless or short sleeved ankara tops with traditional beads and cap.

Bright Chimezie has definitely made his own mark in the sands of time of Naija music genre. I hope out contemporary artistes of today can learn a thing or two from him.

'Ogas At The Top' -- Puppet Satire of Naija's Leaders & Celebs

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 13, 2014

A new Tv show featuring puppet versions of Naija celebrities and leaders, has debuted and promises to be one heck of a laughter ride if the producers get it well. Why do I say that? Because the producers of the new show titled Ogas At The Top are actually based in Kenya. The new show is actually a Naija version of The XYZ Show which is also a puppet themed series that satirizes Kenya's leadership and celebrities.

The Obasanjo Puppet from the show

According to a report:

The show will feature puppet doubles of Olusegun Obasanjo, Patience Ozokwor, Sani Abacha, Basketmouth, Ibrahim Babangida, Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Bola Tinubu and many others.
‘Ogas at the Top’ already has a Kenyan version ‘The XYZ Show’, which won the AMVCA (Africa Magic Viewers’ Choice Award) for Best TV Series last year. It is already in its 9th season and has a followership of over 10million people.
The producers of the show say inspiration will never be lacking as the Nigerian political landscape offers story ideas aplenty for the Nigerian version.
‘The Nigerian political scene is a goldmine for stories: we certainly won’t run out of inspiration any time soon. And we know that Nigerians, just like Kenyans, have a wicked sense of humor, so this promises to be a wild ride.’

Obj, Patience Jonathan, GEJ, Okonjo Iweala...can't figure the last lady

For me, I see this as a good timing. I had come across The XYZ Series a few years back and had wondered why such a show did not exist in Nigeria - a nation that is filled with all manners of 'katakata' - political drama, intrigues, scandals, controversies etc...and in the dramatis personae include our bumbling leaders and celebrities from different works of life; everyone who was making explosive negative or positive impact. I was entranced by The XYZ Show series that I was thinking I could go meet with them somehow and affiliate in the creation of a Naija version a couple of years back. 

Well...unfortunately I never got to do that.

And as if the guys at Buni Media, Kenya aligned with my thoughts, they moved fast and came up with this ingenius concept - even the name (Ogas At The Top) was a smart decision; a reference that had gained acceptance in Naija culture after an NSCDC officer's 'misyarning' on Channels TV.
My only unanswered wish was that a Naija outfit that really understood this nation well could have taken up the project. 

Recently, some clips of the show have been uploaded on YouTube and after watching it, I had to say they didn't do a bad job at all. However, they need to be careful about accents that are not fully Nigerian - like that of the Patience Jonathan Character as I saw in one of the skits. The skits were funny; I just hope they have Nigerian advisers or guides to ensure it doesn't end up sounding Kenyan or somewhat different.

                  (A) - Spitting Image, (B) - Les Guignols de L'info, (C) - The XYZ Show. 

Spitting Image has the most grotesque looking set of puppets.

Puppet themed satirical shows like this started way back in the 1980s with shows like the Spitting Image series from Britain which aired from 1984-1996 and Les Guignols de L'info from France which debuted in 1988. The producers of The XYZ show 

Godfrey Mwampembwa (pen named 'Gado'), a Kenyan political cartoonist and satirist is the originator of the XYZ show. He got his got inspiration from Les Guignols de L'info. (I came to notice that Les Guignols de L'info nicer looking puppets than the Spitting Image versions though)

On a trip to Paris, for an exhibition Gado took time to visit the set of "Les Guignols de l'Info", or the "News Puppets". Les Guignols, just like XYZ, is a spoof newscast featuring latex puppets. It has been on the air for more than 20 years and is one of France's most popular shows ever.To Gado it was immediately obvious that the same concept would not only be a huge success in Kenya, but could also have an important social impact by exposing, with humor, the rampant corruption and mismanagement of the country.Back in Kenya, Gado shopped the idea around to the TV stations, but many had trouble understanding the concept. Still, Gado pressed ahead, and in 2004 he managed to convince the French Embassy in Nairobi to send sculptor Gerald Olewe to France for a month. There Olewe was trained by the team of experts who create the French puppets, and he learned how to work with sophisticated materials such as foaming latex. He came back with a fully finished puppet of Kibaki in his luggage. Olewe held his breath as he innocently walked through the JKIA customs. Luckily, he was not stopped.

The puppet concept has grown to be embraced in different nations; I got to see the Spanish, Portuguese, Indian, Cameroonian and South African versions.

If 'Ogas At the Top' becomes a hit (if they get it right), then TV and cable stations would probably jump at airing them as Naija has a very large viewership and material.

What do you think?

More Gbagauns from Nollywood [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, March 10, 2014

After the hiatus caused by the arrival of my latest little guy, I've decided to start this Monday with another collection of Gbagauns from Nollywood. Unlike the initial series which focused more on Yoruba movies, this collection cuts across English and indigenous languages. 

The Gbagauns happens either accidentally or just out of plain ignorance or poor literate level of the subtitle or graphics person.

And so here goes...

I may excuse the subtitler for this one because it would have been
a mouthful for his limited brain to reconstruct in proper English

At first I thought the title was a typographical error...

Then I saw the opening montage...haba!

 Stupid title with stupid gbagaun...

This movie poster made me doubt how much of the English language
I knew...'cause with A list actors like these, the producers
can't mess up the grammar, right? Wrong!

To some hardcore illiterate this would sound like one real big grammar...

Your eyes could knot up and cause you to have a headache
trying to figure out what the heck was being said here.

This unforgivable gbagaun is definitely a prelude of other grammarcides to come.

I wasn't so sure whether this was referring to the car screeching or somebody screaming!

Just one letter can make everything go wrong...

Why do they keep repeating this particular error?

Its either the subtitle person didn't know how to translate what was
being said here or the script just had stupid lines

Incoherent subtitle mumbo jumbo...warraheck are they saying?

This part didn't even need subtitling but somebody wanted to prove lexical skills and goofed.

We should use belt on the person who subtitled this!

Just one wrongly placed letter made this girl look like an illiterate on mute.

Yeah....and the subtitler created rubbish out of something...

Written as spoken by the subtitler...that's my avid suspicion.

That can't be a prayer oh...bad subtitling has turned it into a curse!

The Alingos - Will They Stand The Test of Time?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, March 01, 2014

P-Square have suddenly wowed their fans and admirers with an upcoming animation series which features twin characters of themselves.

The Alingos

The animation is titled The Alingos  which is a smart move to take the title of one of their popular tracks to another level and equally maintain an affinity with the P-Square brand. I'll give it up to P-Square, their thinking is phenomenal; they are always looking beyond being just musicians and investing in other ventures. The artwork of the animation employs the child-like look art for the characters which is a style that would appeal to the younger generation.

However, my kwanta with this animation is the fact that it explores extreme themes that have to do with superpowers, Aliens etc - elements that are more popular with western culture than with Nigerian culture. This may result in the animation being more accepted by children than by adults.

Super powers and aliens? In Naija? I no too dey sure oh.

This is not the first time the Superhero/Superpowers theme is being exploited in Naija animation. It has been explored to death by Nigerian comic artists, by brands like Indomie and they have struggled to be accepted by Nigerians. But its obvious that Nigerians don't stick to superhoero themes....this is why Nollywood dare not explore that area. Even film feature length Naija animations don't seem to be seeing the light of day.

lol...Ninja in Africa. Is a movie possible?

A lady dresses as some super  heroine
at some Naija comic convention

Indomitables...they came and fizzled out into obscurity.
Now they are back again. But for how long?

This is just too hard to fathom in the reality of Naija fantasy.

Naija movies that have even forayed into the Sci-Fi territory have bombed and ended up failures; cartoons have equally done the same. There were even attempts to turn Nigerian mythological characters into super heroes but it still never stuck. We're just too used to being REAL.

The Alingos...remember this outfit on the Psquare poster
of the song of the same name?

And with this in mind I ask....will 'The Alingos' stand the test of time? 

Only time will tell.