Last Post for the Year 2011

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, December 31, 2011

Today marks the last day of the year 2011. Its been a totally awesome year of unlimited breakthroughs for me. Its been most memorable for a number of things most importantly the following:

1. The arrival of my first son and second child, A.Y.

 With elder sister Timi @ 3 months

With his elder sister Timi @ 7 months

2. My Kid brother's wedding

3. My Dad's ordination as a Deacon in church. 

4. My Bro-in-law gains admission into Landmark University
and becomes an outstanding student

There are many others which can't be pictorially represented. I had been bugging my mind over what to make of this last post and entry for the year until I came across this video by google seems like the best way to sum it all up. Though it may not have covered exactly everything, but the major fact here is that We made it through 2011...and for that I'm so grateful to God.

See you in 2012!

Driving in Lagos 101

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Every Nigerian who's ever lived in Lagos knows the streets and motorists are CRAZY. So I got this hilarious list some time back which I never remembered to post. Well...the holiday season seems like a good time for this to be put up! Get educated...and LOL your head off.

 

 
1. When in doubt, accelerate!


2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)


3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10


4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.


6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque


7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes


8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.


9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.


10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!


11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.


13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.


14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.


16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.


17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.


18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.


20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.


21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.


22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.


24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.


25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!


26. HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.


27. Don't take everything on this list too seriously!






Images Sources
Toonpool.com
Jamaicanpolice.com
Davegranlund.com
nigeriaplus.com
cartoonaday.com



5 Similarities Between Beer And Football

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Warning! You might find this post offensive if you are a soccer or beer lover!

So don't blast me for airing my opinion...lol!

People seemed to be under the spell of these two subject matters. I remember the day some guys invited me to drink with them and when I told them I don't drink they looked at me as if i had committed abomination and affirmed that I was not a 'guy'. (What ever the hell that meant!)

Then one day I'm seated at my desk and someone walks in and on seeing a match playing on the office TV asks me what I think about the match played between 'this team' and 'that team'. I told him I'm not into football and he looked at me as if I had made a sacriledgious statement. He even proded another guy to tell him 'Can you believe that he's not into football?'

That pissed me off. Seriously...what is the big deal with football? Why is it a do or die affair?

It got me thinking strongly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that soccer was just as pointless as alcohol with this list.

1. Both have ‘shrines’ where they are worshipped by loyalists. Visit beer parlours after work hours and you’re bound to see devotees of the green and brown bottles sitting at tables and engaging in the periodic ritual of alcohol consumption. Visit any soccer viewing centre during any Nigerian match or during the leagues or premierships, or just check out any shop that has a TV on display showing the match, you’ll find people glued to the screen and chattering over facts of the game like nothing mattered more in the world.


2. Both have nasty consequences when taken to the extreme. What is likely to happen when a disagreement or hot argument breaks out between fans of opposing football teams? And what happens when a beer drinker has had too much beer than he can take – especially if he has to drive home? I leave the rest to your imagination.

3. Both are addictive. I’ve seen the way some of my colleagues are anxious for the closing hours to draw near because they have urgent appointments at bars or beer parlours; I’ve seen how when someone is doing his or her birthday and shares soft drinks round, a number of guys feel insulted that no beer was offered as an option. And I’ve seen how a match that’s starting on TV can make guys in the office gather round a screen, forgetting where they are, forgetting who’s Oga and who’s junior. Place three or four guys that like soccer together in a room and give one of them a sports magazine, soon the room will turn into a football analysis and discussion arena.

4. Both are a waste of time that people don’t see as a waste of time. I think this is better understood if we were to define soccer and beer from another truthful point of view. So what is Soccer? It is an event where people pay to go and watch 20 or more grown men kick a piece of leather ball about. The players get paid for kicking the ball about. The fans don’t get paid for dancing, screaming and supporting. And beer? Beer is just water mixed with some extracts that is bottled and sold to people who think they need it. And while the breweries, bars and parlours are making good money, the drinkers are paying good money to get…well nothing, just drunken with disorders and pot-bellied.

5. Both are partners in crime. Seen the latest Naija Harp beer TV ad where three guys supporting a certain football club enter a bar filled with supporters of the opposing team watching the match on TV? The opposing team supporters look menacingly at them as they come in. Then they also order for a Harp which everyone happens to be drinking and that’s when they all break into smiles. It’s amazing how football too can make enemies unite together to achieve one aim – scream their heads off over how grown men kicking a leather ball can make some ‘meaningful’ impact. Picture this familiar scene: A match is about to start in a guy’s house. Friends come over to gather in the living room to watch…what else? Beer surfaces and they all settle down...usual huh?

Well...with these few yarns of mine I hope I've been able to confirm and not confuse you that beer and football get strange similarities!