Photo Tales - My Colleague's 'Owambe'

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012

This collection is actually a blast from the past. I took the pictures way back in 2009 during the burial ceremony of one of my then office colleagues. The after party was your typical owambe and had all the makings I analyzed in an earlier post. 

Almost all the characters in this collection are from my workplace. I initially wanted to do this as an 'Anatomy of an Owambe party 2' but I thought it should stand alone since it falls in the category of my photo tales series. After I took these shots, I pasted them on the office notice board as you see them and it made people laugh. I guess this is where I initially got the idea of the Photo Tales.

Oh...and the characters in this collection are actual characters and actual names.

Trust me to be that mischievious...lol. 

Be sure to click to see a larger version in case you can't read the words.

This was proof that Trannies exist in Nigeria too.

 Doctor 'Warwick' is actually a PHD holder who spoke a lot of BIG English

Photographing the Nigerian Idols - What you never knew

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, April 13, 2012

I probably haven’t talked much about my job and its nature.

It’s a crazy job that does a lot of behind the scenes magic to wow people on TV, Radio and Tabloids.

One of the most recent assignments I had to oversee had to do with getting the last two contestants of Nigerian Idol, Mercy and Joe, for a photography shoot to announce the winner on the grand finale on Saturday March 31st in the press.

The plan was to snap the two of them and design winner press Ads for them. Once the winner is announced, we release whichever press Ad carried the person.

Getting them for the shoot was not easy. They were just too busy and had engagements and rehearsals. Eventually we had to find a way around it as this was necessary for the press Ad that would showcase the winner the following day after the grand finale.

Our last chance was at the etisalat new corporate campaign launch which was taking place at Eko Hotel at Victoria Island.

Several searches and disappointments later we got the opportunity, thanks to a friend who was a former employee at my workplace. She recognized me and quickly helped me pull strings.

Finally we got the chance to shoot the contestants in the most peculiar of all places – the backstage!

Mercy having her hair made up
before the shoot and her performance

Joe - all set and ready for the session
while Mercy is being attended to.

Imagine moving around with the photography and make-up crew and bumping into the likes of Tiwa Savage, Brian, Uti Nwanchukwu, Eva etc. while working. Celebrities were everywhere like no man’s business all either relaxing and shacking alcohol or preparing to perform. 

ND my colleague with Tiwa Savage

ND with old friend Uti Nwachukwu

Regretably, I wasn’t with my point and shoot camera so I couldn’t capture the backstage scenarios. But ND, one of my colleagues took a few pics with some of the celebs which he allowed me to upload provided I don't show his face. Coincidentally, he and Uti were old school mates.

It wasn’t easy setting up the lights in busy backstage area but we eventually got to do our stuff.

This is Joe as we shot the photo.

This is how he appeared in the press Ad that actually never ran.

This was how we took the approved photo of Mercy

This was how it appeared in the press.

Notice in the original pictures that they were not actually holding microphones, we had to work that in there.There was no Mic around to use for prop.

  

People eventually saw the press Ad of the winner who turned out to be Mercy. Yet no one knew the circumstances under which the photos for these Ads were shot.

Amazing isn’t it?

Aftermath of Valentine's Day

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I was discussing with a friend this morning about the razzmatazz surrounding yesterday (Vals day) and he told me point blank that he never celebrates Vals day. I could instantly relate with him because I equally never used to celebrate Vals day until i met my wife who insisted that we must remember it, or rather I must remember her on that day.

Even if I tried to escape her, I still had to contend with the fact that my workplace takes Val VERY SERIOUSLY. Yesterday was a not a joking matter as the garden of the office premises was decorated in splashes of red and white; chairs were arranged and decorated...infact at the end of the day, the garden looked like a wedding reception that was decorated in christmas colors (red and white minus green). Then exchange of gifts with a person whom you are forced to pick from a basket containing names at random. There were Val games, comedian's performance, dance games, exchange of gifts...

But as I sat there gisting with my friend, we explored the true history of valentine (who was a saint that actually showed love to the needy and not some chick) and wondered how it got perverted along the way.

A chemist was telling a colleague of mine that yesterday alone, their sale of condoms for the day was what they would have sold in six months!

That should tell us what really went down on Vals day.

Then SLOT, a mobile phone shop was said to have sold out all their blackberry phones yesterday alone!

Yes...its exactly what you're thinking...many ladies got blackberries for Val gifts. My friend even told me that it was now one of the perequisites for getting laid on Vals day. Haba!

The obsession with this smart phone is getting scarier by the day...like its going to be responsible for the end of the world.

Hmmm...I think I may have underestimated how evil the Blackberry can be...

Facebook Mischief 2

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, February 25, 2011

Blackberry Zombies

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The meeting was about to start but the MD was not yet on seat.  While waiting at the round table someone played with his pen on the table, another drew sketches of meaningless abstract art on his jotter, another person read a newspaper or while another a magazine, someone listened to music via earpiece connected to her phone and four people sat glued to their blackberry phones tapping away on the keypads like their life depended on it.

I’m walking down the corridor to the Audio-Visual studio and I come across an intern leaning against the wall, a blackberry in her hands, her face glued like an electrified zombie to its screen. She hardly notices me passing by.

A colleague boards a commercial bus and hands his fare to the conductor. Next to him is seated a casually dressed young man tapping away on his blackberry. The conductor calls for his fare, dude hears not. His eyes are glued with glee to his phone, all attention totally sucked into the little glowing demon in his hands. The conductor hollers at him, jerking his attention. Dude holds blackberry in one hand, eyes still hooked to the screen, uses the other hand to bring out fare and hand it over to the pissed-off conductor without turning from his phone or paying mind to the invective from the conductor.

Ever seen a car pull over just for its driver to whip out his blackberry and ping on it? Or a person spend a long time in the toilet not because the shit was too harsh to offload but because they had to do something very ‘important’ on their blackberry?

Okay. I don’t need to give too many examples. By now you might have guessed the issue I’m trying to hit.

 The blackberry phone, no doubt, is a gadget of convenience; it’s like carrying your own computer and internet around. It gives you instant access to your network of friends and you are able to chat or do business anytime, anywhere. I know it’s not a new technology so don’t get the idea that I’m talking like it’s one.

A few years earlier in Nigeria the blackberry was not a phone that just anybody could afford because it fell in the category of high end phones but as the GSM awareness caught Naija by storm with tech savvy phones appearing now and again, and with Asian copycat versions flooding the market, the prize fell and the blackberry became a ‘pure water’ phone. To make matters worse, the Chinese copycat is also available at a cheaper price (Chai! These Chinkos sabi spoil market!).

So what happens when people find out they can own a blackberry without paying thru the nose? You guessed right – every Tom, Dick and Hilary gets one. Don’t be surprised if you see a Naija commercial bus conductor tapping away on a blackberry.

Well, those may be the pros but the cons would be the fact that this hand held mobile cretin has stolen the lives of many its owners. Now people are so comfy wasting precious time on their blackberry phones they end up not having time for other things. Nope, it’s not because they are doing any important research but because it’s become the bonafide ‘amebo’ social network thanks to its benefit of instant ping chatting and Facebook. It has turned many people into zombies; their attention is more fixed on the thrills of useless gists, downloading and forwarding of pics, images, music and videos. I remember I blogged about the menace Facebook had become some time back. Thanks to the blackberry, it’s more amplified than ever. 

Image courtesy www.blackberrycool.com

Everywhere you find a blackberry, there’s constant lack of attention. Don’t ever discuss anything with anybody who’s holding onto a blackberry. If a chat ping comes in, you just might get ignored for some minutes. And trust me, it can be so annoying.

Oh…did I tell you that there’s a toy version for kids? Kai! Isn't that a bit too early for dem youngsters?

For that lady or guy that loves attention from his/her man or woman, please don’t ever buy him/her a blackberry for a gift! The moment you do that, you’ve got yourself a RIVAL! I know this because even my wife had to fight me over the fact that my laptop was becoming her rival for attention…lol.

I like the idea of the blackberry and its use…but I’m just afraid of ever getting one. Apart from the fact that I usually hate joining a bandwagon trend, I also dread the fact that it might steal some of my hard-conserved precious time – like the one I spend reading and meditating on my Bible. 

That’s true…even without the blackberry, many who take their spiritual life serious are still try hard to have time to spend with God. Now that the blackberry is here and they own one what happens?

Oh Blackberry…you’re such a distractive devil!

Hence I keep away from this 'winch' of a gadget before it infects me with its telephony virus and turn me into one of its zombies!

By their smells you shall know them…

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, July 06, 2010

It’s amazing how the smell or scent coming from a person can create a strong perception of that person. It doesn’t matter where it’s emanating from. As long as you can perceive a certain smell when the person happens to pass by, it can end up shaping your thoughts or opinions towards him or her.

But then I’d like to categorize smells. There are two divisions; the scent and the stink.

Simply put, the scent is the pleasant one while the stink is the disgusting or unpleasant one. And when I think of it, I now understand the important role perfumes and deodorants play in our lives.

When a good perfume or deodorant hits your nose coming from a person, there’s this kind of high regard for the person, especially if it’s someone you’re meeting for the first time or someone who is always wearing perfumes in your office. Your regard may be that of respect for the person’s choice of scent, class of choice, or the person’s realization of the need to smell good.

But just as a good scent can create a good perception, a serious stink can kill it; especially if the person is what I call a ‘smell paradox.’


I’ve come across ‘smell paradoxes’ and it was a disheartening experience because the persons in questions had the good works – looks, poise, dress sense and all.

And what’s the smell paradox? Having a scent and a stink at the same time!

They wore a nice perfume or deodorant but forgot to take care of their breath, reeking feet, etc. Sometimes it’s not deliberate. I have female friends who love to eat good stuff (you know how some ladies can be sweet tooths with all the craving for chocolate and sweet junk) but they fail to realize that after eating these things, sediments get stuck in their mouths and in a short while begins to smell badly. Thus the lady comes around you and you sniff her scent with pleasure but when she opens her mouth to speak, you hold your breath in hidden disgust!

Don’t get me wrong, guys are not excluded in this case. They are most times guilty of the stink.

These are the accidental stinks. Then there are the permanent ones which range from bad body odour to halitosis. Permit me not to go there as long as there are prescribed remedies to right those.


I think it makes sense if one tries to control his smells and ensure they don’t go out of control – like a brother-in-law of mine whom I always chastise to stop wearing the same boxers for more than a day because he generates a stink in them that can make your skin cringe. Or taking time to drink enough water or rinse your mouth properly (with water and not soft drink!) after consuming a heavy meal of ‘fufu’ and ‘ogbono’ soup or wolfing down a box of chocolates or exotic snacks. And what about the individual that sweats a lot? Be sure to control your hygiene or you end up smelling like ‘stale palm wine’ or something rotten.



I remember back in the University when I was in my second year. I was in my room with my roommates when there was a knock on the door. We responded and two ladies came in to preach the gospel of salvation to us. They would have made so much sense that day if not for the stink. I didn’t identify it on time since different smells were in the air till they left and one of my roomies raised the issue.



‘Guys…did you notice the smell when those ladies came here?’



We acknowledged that there had been a smell. He dropped the bomb.



‘That my friends…was the smell of p***y!’



We were shocked and all manner of speculations started flying as my roomies began to suggest maybe the lady who brought the stink was dirty, or had just had sex before coming to preach. To cut the story short, we ended up discussing about stinking private parts and hygiene rather than the message brought before us.



I guess a stink can do a lot of damage.



There was a time we had a pretty lady join our office as contract staff. She came all the way from the USA and was foreign accented such that the only way you could know she was Nigerian was by her name. She was a classy dresser, used nice jewelry and perfume – good scent which made me have a high perception of her as a person…until the day I was about to use the toilet and she stepped out after use. I stepped in and ran out again, almost choking.



Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying fine chicks no dey shit. This was just a case of accidental stink and to make matters worse, her ‘load’ smeared the inside of the water closet. I wonder how she perched to achieve that.

Other chicks in the office use the toilet but many of them leave behind a fragrance that makes you worry less that a shit episode just took place there. Maybe they take their perfumes with them and apply and freshen up after doing the business. I don’t know how they do it. But Missy here didn’t. She left the place stinking to high heavens.

And as for the men, forget them. They’ll mess up toilets with gas and crap anytime, any day.

I try not to leave a bad impression when I do the doodoo. I carry my own handwash and an air freshener spray if I have one. If I don’t, I reserve the business till the end of the day – except it’s a serious emergency.



Better to leave a scent behind than a stink. Trust me…first impression may last long, but a stink impression lasts longer.

THE SCANDALOUS WORKPLACE

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, March 14, 2008

I long to break out of employment and run my own outfit. I've just discovered that the place can be so trying on you in so many ways. Okay, I get to learn a number of things such as 'How not to run my own business' when the management screws up.

I also get to establish connections and build a network with people that are highly placed both in the business and entertainment world. There are some concessions that you get to enjoy such as official retreats and trainings that take place from time to time amongst other things.



But my pet peeve is with the emotional attachment that gets to grow in funny places; attachment to the job, attachment to the environment, attachment to the concessions. The one that scares the bejeebies out of me is the emotional attachment that tends to grow amongst colleagues; the one that factors the phenomenon called 'Office Romance'.



My workplace is fond of hiring dashing and attractive females.
And a number of males keep falling into their seductive traps. I don't blame the ladies,they can't help being pretty. It's the dudes that I will blame for not resisting the temptation of falling. But there are also females who enjoy the promiscuity so it’s a two sided situation.

I've seen married men go the adulterous lanes without any conscience, I've seen single guys pick ladies they just want to wham bang and thank. I've seen newly wedded ladies do 'Aristo' runs (Going on trips with yuppies or suga daddies) It all disgusts me but I've had to cope with it.






I've had a tough time keeping myself away from being pulled into this web of office scandals which runs from top to bottom management. I've had ladies who were attracted to me flirt around me in such a way that my hormones were almost raging out of control. Its always a mental war cuz I've had to refresh Biblical scriptures in my head as well as my fiancée’s image so that I stay loyal to her as well as to my God.


I became a close confidant to one of these ladies because I had mentored her when she first joined the company. Along the line, we got so close that I sensed we were about getting way too personal. I could see she had a crush on me and I had to fight off the urge to succumb into a sinful tango with her.

Believe when I say it was an emotional war, it really was. I'll probably tell the story some other time. It was really serious but I'd determined in my mind and thank God I didn’t succumb to it. We spend about 85% of our days at work every weekday and get to see these same colleagues at work. It’s no surprise that emotions get to grow. It’s been discovered that when you spend a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex, an attraction may build, even if the person isn’t cute!


You see why I feel like running my own thing? Maybe it’s not a very good excuse but man, I gotta get away from all those females before they do things to me. Boy I feel like Joseph who had to run from his seductive mistress...Men were designed to be attracted by what they see but there's a need to control it.

Proverbs 6:257