A Writer's Funny Mail To Me...

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, February 03, 2014

I guess one of the 'benefits'of consistent blogging is that some people tend to think you'll be in the position to hire them. Well...if you're a Linda Ikeji, that's very possible, especially when you have a very heavy traffic and you're making quite a good deal of money.

Someone probably thinks I'm as buoyant in blogging as a Linda Ikeji 'cause I got this funny mail from a reader I just felt I had to share. The mail was creatively written and I must confess, I almost wish i could hire him.

Read on...

Hello Sir, my name is *******. I am a professional writer.
I boast such delicious writing skills as I could even write a nun into
falling in love.
With a very fertile brains far from "intellectual menopause", I have given
birth to several books and poems- though they are yet to be published as
I don't have Dangote for a relative (no sponsorship). Yet I boast such hypnotic
writing skills as I could write a DEAF man into buying a RADIO. I am seeking a paid
writing position in your firm ( or if you could please link me with
one); the chances of me not satisfying your clients are as slim as the chances
of OBJ wearing suit.
Sir, I humbly wish you hire me as I boast such mental
sophistication daring enough to win for your firm a Forbes
recognition!  Hire me sir and get hired into a more glittering world
of more fulfillment as I am ready to plant all my nutritious brains
filling your financial barns to the brims. Below are some of my
works.Hoping to hear from you soon Sir.
THANKS.

I laughed after reading this mail. The guy really feels he's very good....I like his confidence. Unfortunately, I'm not hiring for now...heck I wouldn't mind being hired to write myself!

Naija Stories Publishing Debuts Series Beautifully on Paperback ...

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Finally, Naija Stories, (the online writer's forum where yours truly thrives) is launching out as NS publishing with paperback, audiobooks, ebooks and Apps. The first set of books are out which contain stories gathered from the website. The ventured was embarked on to bring back the reading culture that we had during the Pacesetters' series era. Check out the full info from the site:

Naija Stories is an imprint of NS Publishing Ltd, a new publishing and marketing company dedicated to developing and distributing Nigerian written content through eBooks, paperbacks, audio, websites, mobile apps and other channels. NS Publishing believes that by nurturing writers and readers, it will help develop engaged, empowered and educated Nigerians, as well as contribute to the economy through their business. 

Many people say Nigerians don’t read, but NS publishing begs to disagree based on the evidence of flagship website, naijastories.com, and the rate at which foreign fiction and non-fiction books are sold in the markets. What may be underrepresented is the production, distribution, and sales of quality Nigerian leisure books outside of what is demanded for educational purposes through school curriculums.

 

To change this aspect of Nigerian reading culture, NS Publishing has developed our special branded Naija Stories genre series, which feature romance, horror, mystery and crime, all in easily accessible language that will draw in readers who want to read for enjoyment. With relatable stories, the short length of the books and their recognizable characters will keep readers coming back for more.

 

Using home-grown authors – 100% of NS authors are Nigerian and 80% live in Nigeria – means that writing will become a profitable career for young talented Nigerians in this sector. NS Publishing intends to replicate, in the leisure books publishing sector, what Nollywood and Afropop has done in making Nigerian movies and music globally popular.

 

After being comatose for decades since the demise of the Pacesetter series, NS Publishing is kickstarting a publishing industry that will not just throw up literary stars every five years, but one that’ll support writers, graphic artists/designers/illustrators, cover models, and will produce works that can be translated to the stage or adapted to movies, or given life by voice-over talents in audio books. They see a billion naira industry in the future, and are heading there.

NS Publishing will produce great stories and books, and other literary content targeted at a broad base of emerging and established readers, and across different age groups and mid/low income communities. Their paperbacks will be pocket size and pocket friendly, and they promise never to sell a book more than N500.

 

The success of naijastories.com website has informed this current project, to bring selected Naija Stories to paperbacks, selling and marketing books – pocket-size popular fiction books – directly to Nigerians where they can be found. Some of these places include intra-state or inter-state bus stations, higher institutions, fast food locations, and more.

 

Look out for the Naija Stories books whereever you are, online and offline, and if you would like to order please contact info@naijastories.com. Check out www.ns-publishing.com for more details.

Those published paperbacks...boy, do they have beautiful cover designs. None of these ones has any of my works in them (since they contain many of the early works on the website) but I'm sure subsequent ones will.

Lovely aren't they? Makes any budding writer want to get published by all means.

Many of the writers of the short stories are online friends with cool works. Some stopped writing (maybe because some responsibilities ate up their time...but their good job is documented for all to read.

Thumbs up for Naija Stories!

8 Steps to Help You Create Mind–Blowing Fiction

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 10, 2013

*I tried Grammarly's plagiarism checker free of charge because it sucks if someone calls your original work a copycat!



Being an avid member of Naija Stories, the online forum for aspiring Nigerian writers, I’ve seen newbies join the forum and post their first drafts of stories, poetry or articles and over time blossom into better writers. I’m not surprised at the growth and changes that take place as the forum offers many opportunities for that.

You get to write and get reviewed; comments open your eyes to more facts or hidden glitches within your work, you learn from the criticisms. You also get to read works by others who have carved a niche on the forum by their writing prowess. Unknowingly to most writers who read the works of others, there are a number of things happening each time you post a story on the forum, get comments and critiques, and each time you read works and also comment.

You are indirectly training yourself as a writer.

This makes a good alternative to attending courses on learning to write. 

Overtime I’ve  come to pick up a variety of tips that are quite useful for every budding writer. You might want to consider these tips which I have also used when writing some of my most recent stories on Naija Stories. They are tips that work nicely and help you come out better in the nick of time. These tips may be useful for bloggers, editors and journalists as well. 





1. Don’t beat about the bush.
Too much flashbacks, back-stories, intros or long anecdotes are a waste of your reader’s time. Get to the point. In advertising the gimmick to grabbing and keeping attention is offering a lot in less info. Get to your point quickly too before your reader loses patience and moves on.

2. The first draft is for the cooler.
Normally when you write the first draft of your story, you’re so full of the story and you feel you’ve churned out a good piece. It is recommended that you write your first draft and then put it away in the ‘cooler’ to rest for a while. How long it stays away depends on you. The fact is, when you take a second look at it days later, you’ll see differently and may even re-write or edit it to be better.

By doing this you allow your mind to be refreshed and get to later look at your work from a detached and clearer perspective.
One of my stories titled ‘Love Jazz’ had three different endings. The final ending got my readers hooked. I wrote each ending on different days before deciding the final gripping one. 





3. Cut down on words.
The temptation to be spontaneous in your use of words at times can get you carried away and thus you clutter up your narrative. On a second look at your work, take time to remove the unnecessary clutter of words. It’s time to get rid of those lexical nuisances you have an emotional attachment to. 

While you’re at it, be mindful to keep it balanced. Removing too many words may end up killing the flavour of your story. 

Flash fiction offers the opportunity for this. I also recollect a periodical Naija Stories ‘Writing Prompt’ competition which served a good training ground for decluttering of words in writing.





4. Be relatable and realistic.
Have in mind that you’re writing to be read and it’s necessary for those reading you to comprehend and relate easily with you. Writing is a form of communication between a writer and his readers. When your readers don’t get you, then you’re talking to yourself. 

Being relatable makes you realistic. And don’t get it twisted – being realistic does not discredit fiction with fantasy elements. It doesn’t matter if your fiction is fantasy, Sci-fi or abstract, your story must be believable.  Even make-believe must have an appearance of truth in it.
One of the laws guiding literature is the law of verisimilitude which means fiction must be believable because that’s what helps the reader to connect to the world you created on those pages.

How human are your characters? Can we connect to them? Can we relate to what they are going through? Do they react to situations realistically? One of the best ways to achieve this is to fashion your characters or locations after an existing person or place. Its one of the best ways that aid character development.

A character called ‘Shedrach’ in one of the story ‘Strange Women’, was modelled in full description and mannerism after a colleague in my office while the femme fatales in the story were modelled after three wild ladies in the Client Service department at my workplace.





5. Don’t give a damn what others may think.
Critics will nail you; your work will get ripped to shreds by others and at the same time others will shower admiration or praise on you. Whichever the case, don’t crave for emotional feedbacks; don’t write because you want to get a kick from reactions. Rather, write because you’ve got the passion to, and keep writing – picking up useful info from all that’s being said and keep doing it the way you’re inspired to do it. You can never satisfy everyone. No matter how good your story may seem, someone, somewhere will still crap on it. 

Don’t listen too much to your critics; otherwise they’ll end up cramping your style and killing your inspiration. There’ll always be critics since it’s usually easier to talk about someone’s work than to write your own.

6. Meet your own expectations, not theirs.
This has to do with being unpredictable in fiction. Never let your readers imagine the end of your story before its ends. Throw them off board; piss them off with what they least expect. The fact is, even if it’s not what they expected, you’ve shocked them and gotten their attention. This is why a number of Stephen King’s fiction is uniquely infamous for catching readers off balance with shocking endings.
Sometimes readers would desire a certain kind of ending. Don’t fall for it. Give them what they don’t expect and watch the residue of the story’s imagery remain stuck on their minds and provoke their thoughts.






7. Read, read, read!
Just in the same way we are adept to picking up tunes and unconsciously storing them in our subconscious memory, the same goes for when we read – we end up picking up stuff that hides somewhere in our subconscious mind. 

Also, you get ideas and learn how to do things as well as how not to do things. You also get to broaden your creative horizon. Many times I read someone else’s work and I’m fascinated by the style employed or the dexterity of the descriptive power. It eventually inspires me to want to attempt something new and differentiate a bit in my writing.

When I first read Ayi Kwei Armah’s ‘The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born’ in Secondary School, I was stupefied by the writer’s descriptive power. I found myself modelling my descriptive ability after the Ghanaian author.
Also let’s not forget that information is power...the power to write most notably.





8. Write, write, write!
This is why it makes sense to own a blog if you’re a writer because you actually become good at writing by actually writing! In fact, to succinctly put it, anytime you feel like writing, just get a computer or paper and pen or typewriter and get to work. There may be something big waiting to drop from you that moment.

When I started this write up, I had a direction in mind but as I wrote it the direction changed, simply because I decided to write. Don’t ever procrastinate on any opportunity to write. 
The aim is to ensure you write much more and thus become a better writer. Never pass off the opportunity to write. A blog helps since you are kind of obligated to keep updating.
I always make sure that I keep writing. When I’m not inspired to write a story, I do a poem, when the poetry muse isn’t kicking inspiration, I then do articles – like this one.

(Bonus) Use Grammarly’s Grammar Checker

For those times when your word processor’s autocorrect is not enough and you can’t be very sure, Grammarly is a site that offers automated proofreading and also functions as your personal grammar coach. It helps you improve on word choice and vocabulary suggestions depending on the context of your work.

Check out the site here.

*Inspired by: 'Stephen King’s Top 7 Tips for Becoming a Better Writer' by Henrik Edberg

Images courtesy:
www.jkathleencheney.wordpress.com
www.a3bcfrontrow.wordpress.com
www.susancushman.com
www.napkindad.com
www.colourbox.com
www.jasonlove.com
www.changingpaces.com

Call Centre Psychos - Nutcases on the Hotline

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, September 06, 2013

If you've ever placed a call to the call centre of your phone network, it must have probably been to state a complaint or problem you are having with some service from the network. I have often wondered what life must be handling calls at a call centre. In a world full of all manner of individuals, there are bound to be crazy ones spliced within the populace.

Ever wondered what life at a call centre can be like? Nnandez from Naija Stories gives us an insight in this hilarious short story. Read on…

"Good morning. Welcome to to Prytel Wireless. My name is Tunji Lekan. How may I help you?”

Yes, this is me, back at my job at 2:30 am, a time other normal people would be asleep. Honestly, I must admit that if, say, my father were Bill Gates, meaning I wouldn’t have to work a day in my life (C’mon, seriously, how many of us would bother working if our father was the richest man in the world?), I would probably be awake at this time of the day, making sure that all the clubs in Lagos knew my father has plenty, plenty money. And more money than that. 

Unfortunately, my father chose instead to be a university professor driving a beat up Peugeot 504 that looks older than even him (and my father is OLD!!!) instead of the owner of a globally renown technological giant so I have to work. I’m awake nevertheless; though I’m doing less dancing and more of wishing certain people would just go to bed instead of calling in to report the most ridiculous problems.

Seriously, I’m sure I had planned my life better than this. I planned that by 24, I would be working at one of the top oil companies in Nigeria having secured a first class or second class upper in Petroleum Engineering, earning a six figure income (okay, in retrospect, that might have been a tiny bit ambitious) and have started putting up a building somewhere on Banana Island. Fast forward six years since I left university. I ended up studying Soil Science (thanks to UTME, Post UTME and one fraudulent lecturer that promised to get me admission to study Petroleum Engineering), graduated with a second class lower (well, someone had to attend all those parties!) and ended up with a job as a call center agent at Prytel Wireless. I turned 27 two weeks ago. Hurrah me.

The call center job really wouldn’t have been so bad if I a) didn’t have the job in the first place, b) was actually working at an oil company and earning a six figure salary, c) was earning enough to start putting up a building somewhere on Banana Island and d) didn’t have to respond to the most ridiculous and outrageous complaints from the most ridiculous and outrageous people. In the course of my one year and six months on this job, I have heard complaints that range from eye rolling to straight out cringe inducing. The very first call I received after resuming the job full time post-training went like this;

ME: Good Morning and welcome to Prytel Nigeria. My name is Tunji Lekan. How may….]

Customer: YOU BASTARD! ALL OF YOU ARE BASTARDS!!! ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO DO IS ROB PEOPLE BLIND!!! MY GOD WILL PICK OUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND PUNISH YOU ACCORDINGLY…

ME (Trying to remember the procedure we were taught in training for dealing with customers like this because, quite frankly, I was blown completely away by this raging, cursing person): Er…..sir…..madam (the voice was high pitched and there was no way of knowing if I was talking to a man or a woman or a hermaphrodite)… sorry for the incon…

Customer: SHUT UP!!! WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHILE I’M TALKING?!! I SAY SHUT UP OR MY GOD WILL SLAP THE LIPS OFF YOUR FACE!!!

I certainly didn’t want my lips slapped off my face so I piped down for a second to allow the customer exhaust his/her/its steam and actually state a complaint.

Customer: DON’T’T WORRY!!! (By this time I was way beyond being worried and crossing over into terrified territory). YOU WILL SEE (I didn’t want “see” what he/she/it was promising). YOU ARMED ROBBERS WILL SEE. CONTINUE STEALING MY MONEY. MY GOD WILLL DEAL WITH ALL OF YOU ONE BY ONE!!! Click. 

The line went dead. Not a single complaint stated. If bewilderment could be measured on a scale, mine would rip the charts. My supervisor was apparently listening in on the call and as soon as the call was dropped, burst out laughing. I wasn’t finding it very funny.

A week after that, I was on night duty when I a customer called in to report a complaint. I said a short prayer before picking it because I had resumed work in a very bad mood and was wary that in my current mood, I might tell a subscriber to go screw themselves and kiss my posterior end while they’re at it (pardon my French!). That call went like this:

Me: Good morning. Welcome to Prytel Wireless. My name is Tunji Lekan. How may I help you?

Subscriber: *loud music and quite a bit of suspicious moaning, then a barely audible voice saying something I could barely pick out*

Me: There seems to be a lot of noise where you are. Could you kindly move to a place where there is less noise? Thank you.

Subscriber: *music suddenly drops and a male voice comes clearly through* Sorry. I was banging my girlfriend.

Me: (Wowed by this totally unwarranted information): Good morning. Welcome to to Prytel Nigeria. My name is Tunji Lekan. How may I help you?

Subscriber: Do you have a girlfriend?

Me (quite close to the end of my tether): Please may I know your name and how I may help you?

Subscriber: Do you bang her?

Me (stopped from telling him to go bang a transformer by the thought that it might lose me this job. Which I still need. Till the six figure job comes along): Please if there is nothing you would like to report, I might have to end this call.

Subscriber: Talk to my girlfriend *female voice comes through, giggling* hello

Me: *Muttering obscenities in my head while saying through clenched teeth that, if unclenched, might insult the subscriber’s parentage) Thank you for choosing Prytel Wireless (He’d better chosen another network by daybreak). DO have a wonderful day.

And there was that call while the SSCE exams were being conducted earlier this year. I picked a call to hear a voice whisper:

Subscriber: Please can you tell me the formula for calculating the volume of a cylinder?

Me (thrown by this question from nowhere to the point that I broke protocol): What?

Subscriber: I’m writing my maths paper and I don’t know how to calculate the volume of a cylinder.
Please what is the…. (then from the background I heard a voice yelling: “Hey!!! You!!! Bring that phone!!! Bring it!!!) *line went dead*.

So that has been my professional life so far. I have received a call from a man asking if I would like to buy a cow, a woman who wanted advice on how to please her husband, too many calls from secondary school students (and even older, older people) begging me to give them credit “just for flashing” and one particularly disturbing call from a subscriber asking me to join their coven. I covered myself in the blood of Jesus thereafter.

It’s 2:30 am, and, quite frankly, I would rather be anywhere else instead of having to be here answering hick calls from hick subscribers. Still, I have to do my job. And here is another call for me to attend to:

Me: Good morning. Welcome to to Prytel Wireless. My name is Tunji Lekan. How may I help you?

Subscriber: My name is Mary Pepple

Me: Good Morning, how may I help you?

Subscriber: Will you marry me?

Me (completely thrown by this proposal over phone call which, I’m quite sure wasn’t the way I planned my marriage proposal to go. And I intended to do the proposing, not the other way round. And to a woman I actually knew and had met before): What?!!

Subscriber: I am 32 years old. I have been looking for a husband for the past 10 years. Last night my pastor said that the very next man to pick my phone call is the person God has destined for me to marry and that I should take the bull by the horns…

Me (clearly not intending to marry a 32 year old woman that has been seeking a husband for 10 years): Please I would like to know how I may help you…

Subscriber: I’ve told you na. Marry me.

Me: Madam, I cannot…

Subscriber: It is the will of God. My pastor said so. Do you want to go against the will of God?

Me: If I there is nothing I may help you with, I may have to end this call…

Subscriber: If you end the call, you are saying no to God. And saying no to God will cause him to visit you with his wrath. Tunji, my beloved, it is God’s intention that we get married. Maybe he has kept me unmarried for the past ten years just so I could meet you…

Me: Thank you for choo…

Subscriber: God knows where you live. And he will find you….and make sure you marry me….

Me:…sing Prytel Wirless. Do have…

Subscriber: I will bear your children; four boys and three girls. Pastor said…

Me: …a wonderful day. *click* I ended the call.

I do not get paid enough for this.

Author


Nnandez is a student and aspiring writer. He's been writing 'since like forever' (to quote his own words) and has decided to take his writing to the next level by publishing them online for others to read and enjoy. He's known for writing a number of hilarious stories which presently feature on Naija Stories. This story was originally titled Call Centre Crazies and also features on the Naija Stories website.

The Things I Love About Being Nigerian (By Dike Chukwumerije)

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, June 20, 2013

I came across this funny and nostalgic piece online which takes every Nigerian back in the days and reflects on the funny things and crazy day to day events that have helped to groom and form almost every Nigerian. This of course would exclude those who never grew up in Naija; the experience could never be the same...except if you lived here for a while before travelling abroad with your family and your parents and freinds carried the 'traditions' over to the other side of the world.

Read on...

By Dike Chukwumerije

Sekibo, Adeyemi and Nwaogu

When Nkechi Nwaogu stands up to speak on the floor of the Senate, she always starts by saying, “My name is Nkechi Nwaogu, representing the good people of Abia Central Senatorial District…” Then she pauses and waits for the unfailing reply from her colleagues, “Haba! What about the bad people?” And Smart Adeyemi (nicknamed ‘Radical Solution’ by the Senate President) likes to pre-face his own comments with, “I rise on behalf of the people of Kogi West Senatorial District and, indeed, on behalf of the masses whom I personify in these chambers”. You will hear those sitting around him laugh out loud – Masses ke? With this your stomach? And Senator George Thompson Sekibo likes to add “J.P” (Justice of the Peace) to the end of his name; and when he does someone always shouts, “Juju Priest”, right after that acronym. Ah! It is true that I’m praying the Nigerian government grows more competent with time, but – please – may we keep this our humorous ways of going about the business.

And the way we handle our children too. “If I catch you…!” “Before I count ten…!” “If you allow me to get up from this place…!” We are not afraid to threaten them with the most imaginative acts of violence, even in public. “You? I will soon break that your coconut head!” “Eh? You this boy, if I slap you, your face will face back!” And if they do not feel sufficiently threatened, we reach for ‘Pepperoni’, ‘Thunder Balogun’, ‘One-Blow-Seven-Akpus’ – a.k.a the family KOBOKO, by whatever name called. Once, my dad leaped down a flight of stairs in hot pursuit of my sister. It was the funniest thing I ever saw. She ran, shrieking, out of the house and down the road till she got to the petrol station at the Junction. Honestly, I’m really happy I have that memory. 

So, I was walking down the road the other day and bumped into an old school mate. She shouted (literally), “My God! You’re so fat now!” I laughed, of course, and told her, “You too! In fact, you’re like double your size!” Now, I know things are beginning to change because her face fell slightly; those imported images of beauty are beginning to register. But, for what it’s worth, I love our old-fashioned political ‘incorrectness’.

The way people still cross themselves and gasp out, “Blood of Jesus!” if they hear that you’re gay. We are not very good at hiding our ‘mouth’. So, someone could just walk up to you and ask, “Excuse me o, sorry o, but where are you from?” How old are you? Which church do you go to? What is your tribe? But (voice dripping with concern) why are you not married? Very little grasp of the concept of personal space. And it used to be that we had few qualms about sharing that space as well. But, like I said, these things are beginning to change.

And I love some of the people I’ve been blessed to share this nationality with. I still think Jay-Jay is the most entertaining footballer ever; and that it’s very rare to find an artist with the talent of Fela anywhere in the world. But, forget celebrity, I grew up in Lagos and the energy on the streets was, and still is, infectious. (It’s really sad that it’s so dangerous as well, because if there wasn’t, we could really enjoy this carnival of creativity.) People don’t sit down waiting for fate; they hunt it down in the most ingenious ways. This is a country where a woman who’s never gone to school, sends all her children to university, selling pepper. It’s just the way we hustle. I was at Uni with a Fulani – he went to classes during the day and drove his cattle in the evening. What about the countless who start and re-start businesses every day, refusing to give up? My brother, Chaka, selling sand to augment his ‘allowee’ as a Corper? Or Chika, who followed his dream all the way to the Olympics? Every time I walk through a mechanic village, or a street market, look out my window at another ‘shanty town’, homes knocked together by raw determination, I marvel at this our roiling, restless spirit.

View from the top of Olumo Rock, Abeokuta, Ogun State.

And the land…Ah! It’s a real pity that it’s gotten so treacherous to travel through it. But I’ve done some epic journeys in my time - had camel meat for the first (and only) time in Maiduguri, and danced ‘Awilo’ (like an amateur) in Gwagwalada; travelled to Jos to ask a ‘babe’ out, she said no, so I travelled back home; spent Christmas in Gboko and a week in Kaduna; and went to Abeokuta just to climb to the top of Olumo Rock; on a boat in Abraka; in a fight in Bauchi; and fell in love (again) with a ‘babe’ in Kano; passed though Ilorin; a wedding in Ado-Ekiti; and, once, because it had gotten too dark, we parked at Ninth Mile and slept in the back of a truck. 

But there are still things I would love to see. Zik took the boat from Onitsha to Lagos in 1915. It took him two days in open seas. And some of Ahmadu Bello’s classmates at Katsina College did the journey from Yola on foot. And when Martin S. Kirsch, a young British colonial administrator, first landed in Nigeria in 1908, he berthed at Forcados, caught a river-boat at Burutu to Lokoja, then he got on a steamer and then a train to Zungeru; and from Zungeru he walked to Sokoto. True, if I could, I would walk in all those steps; see it all - from the deep blue sea to the silent desert, the broken hills overlooking verdant valleys. To me, our most precious resource is not beneath the ground; it is all around us, in the sunrise and sunset, and the cocky seasons swaggering between thunderstorms and harmattan haze. Nobody told me; I’ve seen it for myself - this is a beautiful country.

So, whenever I am away, I am haunted by images of her; and it makes my heart bleed. IF only we could get our act together; show real promise of turning the corner; produce a class of leaders committed, not to self-enrichment, or to the empowerment of the ethno-regional/religious groups they belong to, but to helping this country realize her full potential; IF only we could put down and maintain basic infrastructure and public services; then, I tell you, honestly, no London or New York, no Dubai or Hong Kong could ever compare to standing here, on this black earth, in my Ankara shorts and faded singlet, looking up at our crystal clear stars. For THIS, indeed, is a beautiful place.

Dike Chukwumerije is a writer and poet. He also run a blog. Click here to visit.

A Father's Pain - Accused of using missing daughter for rituals

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Samuel Eleng, father of little Praise who was kidnapped and rescued two years after shared details on the incidents that happened surrounding his daughter's disappearance and return in an interview with The Nation. He was even suspected by neighbours to have used his child for rituals. Below is an excerpt of the harrowing and touching pains he had to face after his daughter's disappearance:

The Bishop always came to visit us, asking how we were. I always told him we were fine. He kept proclaiming the same declarations that she would be found. And we held on to it. But as a man in the flesh, I was touched and started weeping and crying. One day, we said ‘ok, if that is the case, let’s make it public’ and we contacted AIT.

Mr. Eleng and his daughter, Praise.

We went there and she was on telecast and we continued our prayers. We still held on to God. Neighbours made comments and nicknames were given that I had used my child for rituals; that I had connived with the bishop and it is only me who know what has happened to my child. Whatsoever they said, I paid deaf ears to it. But my sure assurance was that brethren gathered in the presence of God. I never attempted to go anywhere else.

My bishop gave an instruction at the Church Secretariat, up to the secretary on the last floor – that if I came to the office, nobody must say that he was not around. He said anytime I came, they should take me up and he would be comforting me with the word of God and that’s what I did. So, anytime I felt down, I would just come down to the church. My wife came with the little baby, that she wanted to see daddy.

I said, ‘daddy this is what they have said again concerning me’. He would then say, “Samuel kneel down” and I would go on my knees and he would embrace me and say, “I transfer my peace to you” So, that was how it went on. It was his peace that was sustaining me.

After the 2011 incident, I was here for Shiloh 2012. When it got to the police, the way and manner people were handling it was not to my comfort.

When we went to the police, they said they wanted to take the case to court but I said no, I said ‘how can I stand in court against my father?’ So, that was how I didn’t show up in court.

Some members of the church went there and they called me to come but I refused. Because there was no way I was going to stand against my father, Bishop David Oyedepo, in court. I said, “God, if you cannot do it, just leave it; but there is one thing I assure you of, I will never go another way.’

I left the church for a while and didn’t attend any church. I locked myself inside the house and would always place my baby’s picture inside my Bible and cry unto God.

It became a thing of friendship between me and God. God started assuring me, “Samuel, your baby will come back!” I never met with the Bishop again. I consulted no pastor again.

My wife and I prayed in the mid-night hours, naked before God, crying unto heaven. I would weep all night and when it was daybreak, I would be the happiest man, going about my business, as usual.

My baby, Glory, would comfort me, saying, ‘daddy don’t cry, I saw Jesus carrying Praise on His shoulders’. My wife said she wanted to be pregnant again in order to find comfort. So, she got pregnant.

What really broke the head of the devil is where I am going now. When my wife was pregnant, we went to the Redemption Camp frequently to pray until the day of delivery.

On December 27, 2012, my wife went to the hospital for delivery at about 7.p.m. I was on my way to the hospital when I heard a voice, “Samuel, shut your mouth. Whether you pray or you don’t pray, the way and manner this child will be delivered, that is the way your baby, Praise, will come back.’ I looked around me but saw nobody.

I went to the hospital and was eager to see how the miracle was going to happen. I saw my wife and I said, “How do you feel? Have they attended to you?” And she said no. She said there were other people in the delivery room. She said I should pray and I said “No. Let’s us not pray” having said that, I told her what the Lord had told me on my way to the hospital.

Behold, the baby in her womb pulled out without her entering into the delivery room. From that day on, I cast away worry. The Lord said to me, “Samuel, I have come to give you peace.” So the pain in me, the feeling of pain was erased from my heart.

Everywhere I went, I took my Bible, encouraging myself in the Lord. Three months after that, I started going to a nearby church. I kept waiting on the Lord to speak and I kept giving thanks everyday, especially in the midnight, with my little baby.

On June 12, I dressed my daughter up for school and I put the food on the dining table. I asked her to come and eat. We usually pray together before eating and she prays this way: “Father, thank you for today. As we are about to eat, bring my sister, Praise, and let her come and join us in this table.”

That particular day, my daughter said, “Daddy, but we have been praying for Praise, where has Praise gone to?” I said to her, “Praise has travelled with mummy and she will soon come back”. I never knew that those words were words of prophecy.

The following day, I took her to school and two days went by and nothing happened. But on Saturday, June 15, I was in the shop and I received a call, “Are you the father of the twins?” I said, “Yes” and she said “I am Mrs. Adewale” I said, “from where?” She said she was from Obasanjo Farm Police Station. I asked her what she wanted and she said my baby had been found. I asked her whose baby because it was too shocking.

At first, I was scared, because I thought it was another plan of kidnap. I called the woman back and said, “This is me ma. The I. P. O. before was Mrs. Lawal , so why is it Mrs. Adewale that is calling me now? She said, “Lawal has been transferred.”

I then asked of the D. P. O. because I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth. She said it was another DPO that was there. I went to pick one of my brothers and two other men to accompany me to the station.

When I saw my baby at the entrance of the police station, I was shocked and amazed at the same time. I fell down and I collapsed and the police started carrying me up.

I thought I was no more because I didn’t imagine God doing this kind of thing. I know that I have followed God in sincerity of heart. I said “God can you do this thing?”

I turned to my daughter and carried her. When she saw me, she said she wanted to go and sleep. She no longer speaks English; it is Igbo language that she speaks now. I called her Praise and she said ‘Yes’ I said ‘I am your daddy’. She hugged me and kissed me.

The police men said, ‘If a miracle like this is happening, the whole of the station will be worshipping the God of Oyedepo.’ I bless the name of the Lord! God is awesome. I thought my waiting was in vain, but I have now seen the hand of God. I will serve God all the days of my life.

On The kidnapper

We were told that he came to confess to the Bishop and after the confession he became blind again and died. He is in the mortuary right now.

The police came to meet the Bishop here and that was where he was interrogated.

We heard that there was a syndicate; the person who stole the child, the person who bought her for N40, 000 and the last recipient in Enugu who bought her…

The person who took the child to sell is in the police custody and the person or people who bought the child are still in Enugu.

They have carried out medical tests on the child and the child is okay.

Blood is thicker than water. The Bishop gave us a car to go and pick her twin sister. When we got home, to my surprise, nobody told Praise to embrace her beloved sister. I asked her “am I your daddy? She said, “Yes” and she also spoke to her mother on the phone calling her “mummy”; she was so happy. Praise and her sister were playing and so they didn’t go to bed on time. Even while they were asleep, they crossed their hands together.

You can read the full story here

39 Weird Facts You Probably Never Knew.

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, June 01, 2013

Some things are just too ridiculous to fathom but they are just the truth...if they are not a conspiracy. Check out these ones.

1.Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories per hour.

2.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

3.You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

4.A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

5.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

6.A rhinoceros's horn is made of compacted hair.

7.The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896... Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

8.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

9.Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".

10.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

11.Women blink nearly twice as often as men.

12.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

13.A snail can sleep for 3 years.

14.Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

15.Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite

16.A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

17.The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

18."Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

19.A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

20.It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

21.The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

22.Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

23.Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

24.Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

25.Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26.Walt Disney was afraid of mice

27.Pearls melt in vinegar.

28.Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal

29.The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

30.What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?  All were invented by women.

31.What is the only food that doesn't spoil? - Honey

32.Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

33.The name 'Jeep' came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

34.The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the Black Plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the Rosey"), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("a pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").

35.The first Novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer"

36.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on the one top row of the keyboard.

37.Most lipstick contains fish scales

38.A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

39.Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

The Ringa rosey nursery rhyme fact was the weirdest and creepiest for me. 

Which one was the weirdest for you?