I observe and think, therefore I chronicle and speak.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Pants Down

[- Warning: For Matured Readers Only! -]

On a busy Friday morning, when most employed persons were hurrying to finish off work for the day so as to be free on time for promises of the weekly TGIF (Thank God it’s Friday), Lara Benedicta Aihkomu catwalked smoothly into the air-conditioned office complex of a renown multinational company like a suspicious omen on a mission to spring up strange surprises.

Her powerfully obvious appearance created a stir.

She wasn't an unfamiliar face but today her look was downright unfamiliar.

From her well treated long flowing hair which nestled gracefully about her shoulders to her expertly made-up round, dimpled face.

From her artfully outlined eyes to her sensually beckoning well painted lips.

From her red body-tight mini gown designed to beautifully highlight her cleavage, enhance her full derriere and present a mind blowing expose of silky creamed legs, to the classic Prada high heels that made every female in the lobby churn with envy. She looked glamorous in every sense; dressed to stun every beholder into oblivion.

A powerful and pleasant perfume scent topped her bodacious menu and held many spellbound as they watched her she pass by.

She sauntered through the main hallway reception, rode a lift to the 6th floor and headed for the lobby that housed the different offices of senior management.

Men ogled; some whistled, others gave smirks and lustful gasps of admiration.

Women sized up her look in their mind and mentally digested it; a gossip topic that would trend was ideating all over the place.

She made her way through the lobby reception of the adjoining management offices.

Someone noticed her and buzzed someone else on an intercom.

As she walked towards the main reception of the office she was headed, its receptionist, a conservative looking short lady who had been on the intercom before she walked in, dropped the intercom’s receiver and voiced a greeting, stunned at her look.

Lara mumbled a reply as she walked past the receptionist and three guests who were waiting to see the Brand Manager.

The guests were about protesting but the receptionist pleaded with them making them realise that Lara was an important person that had exclusive rights to enter as she liked.

She watched Lara go into the Brand Manager’s office and feared the worst.

Ben quickly dropped the intercom and looked up as Lara stepped into his office. At first he didn't recognize her until she smiled at him. The realization rattled him, almost toppling him off his chair.

He had never in the last three years seen his wife look like that. He had become accustomed to her usual boring wardrobe of boubous, cliché native wear and abstinence from any form of facial make-up.  

''Sweetheart...what...is this...I don't understand....why are you...?'' Ben lost his words. Lara's look was just too much for him to take in.

She said nothing but just stood there in front of his desk looking and smiling at him. Then she placed both hands on his table and bent forward, her ample bosoms in full luring view, taunting his sexual sanity.

'Hi darling, how's work?''

''Work is f...fine...but t…that doesn't answer my question...''

''Oh...you wanna know why I'm looking like this?'' She ran her hand slowly over her body.

''Y…yes. What’s the occasion?'

She gave a mischievous smirk and walked round his desk coquettishly as though she was about to do something naughty to him.

Then she dropped her purse on the floor and bent down to pick it while backing Ben. It seemed like a calculated move but whether it was or not, it had a powerful effect on her husband. The sight of the lower areas of her full rounded butt and slight show of red lacy panties set Ben’s nether regions on fire.

‘’Do you like what you see honey?’’ Lara cooed standing up again still backing him.

He reached out in dazed state to grab a handful of her butt but she slapped his hand away. His face flushed over with embarrassment.

‘’Ýou still h…haven’t answered my q…question.’’ He managed to say in between the waves of belittlement.

‘’Is that why you’re stuttering? Am I scaring you ….” She gave a naughty chuckle as her voice dropped into a husky naughty drawl, ”…or am I turning you on?”

Ben found himself in an instant quandary; a cocktail of emotions – confused, nervous and seriously turned on. Why was she doing this to him?

Her eyes locked onto his from a distance as she reached under her gown and swiftly yanked off her red lacy panties. She spun it round her index finger then threw it at him.

He caught the underwear which was damp with her essence, sniffed it and felt a thunderous ache inside his trousers. He stood up behind his desk, eager to throw decency into the winds. She seemed to get the message from his action and smiled sweetly at him. She cat-walked slowly to the door and locked it before coming back to the front of the table and leaned over it.

‘’You want me so bad, don’t you?’’ She cooed at him, tugging at the hem of her cleavage area.

He could only give a frantic nod. The lump in his throat aggravated by a sudden libidinous surge had stifled his capacity for speech.

“Ýou would love to take me right now on this desk wouldn’t you?’ she said or rather moaned. The sound of her voice at this setting was driving Ben nuts. He struggled to contain himself by smiling and nodding slowly.

“You would like to bend me over explore me inside out and fill me with all that ‘thick’ goodness hanging between your manly legs, wouldn’t you?” She had climbed the table, crawling across, brought her face close to his and breathed the words into his right ear.

Ben felt his breathing pacing up; his temple throbbed with the raging pulse building within his entire being.

“You’d love to lick me…touch me…”

“Yes baby…yes…yes!” He didn’t even let her finish before spitting out his craving desire. He was no longer thinking from between his ears but from between his legs.

She chuckled mischievously, turned about and crawled back across the table. Ben lunged forward to grab her pant-less behind but was not fast enough. He almost passed out from heated passion watching the nakedness underneath her gown moved away from his reach. He began fondling with his belt, not caring about the dirty secret he was hiding in the restroom.

Lara came down from the table, picked up her purse, opened it and pulled out a black semi-automatic handgun.

He stopped fondling with the belt on seeing the gun.

She kissed and caressed the gun’s barrel as though she wanted to fellate it then pointed it at him. Her face suddenly changed; the slutty/horny/seductive expression she had worn on her face all the while was suddenly replaced by a deadly cold stare.

Ben’s heart skipped several beats so much that he thought he was about to have a heart attack. He never saw this coming. A strong wave of fear and guilt enveloped him. He felt his erection dissipate fast.

‘’Lara, w...what is the m...meaning of this?’’ He retorted, the alarm quaked his voice.

”Sit down.” She said, supporting the gun with both hands; her eyes fastened fully on him.

”Lara...w...what are y...you doing with a g...gun?” Ben felt sweat that had never been there before break out under his clothes. Not even the air-conditioning could help at this point.

‘’You’re a fool Ben! A low-life scum of a husband!”


Compared to her angry outburst, Ben’s response sounded small and guilty.

“You think you can cheat on me, your wife of seven years and get away with it? You think I don’t know why you come home late? You think I don’t know about your so-called ‘official trips’ which are nothing but trips in between some bitch’s legs? And now you see me looking like this; like one of your office whores and you want some of me? Oh, so now you can see what you’re looking for in them in me? You’re a damn fool!’

By now Lara was trembling as rage consumed her and tears fought for release around the circumference of her eyes. Amazingly, she looked more beautiful in this intensified fit of rage; her breasts bounced with every angry demonstration, her lips were a delight to watch as it mouthed insults and invectives. Why had he never noticed how enchanting she could be? How could he not have seen this in his wife? Ben felt his erection awkwardly build up again.

Lara stopped talking and just stood there, eyes locked angrily unto her unfaithful husband’s, breasts heaving as she panted gently. Tears trickled down her eyes leaving make-up skid-marks down her dimpled cheeks. Gradually, she relaxed and until she was able to talk again.

“And that’s why I’m going to kill you.”

Ben’s erection suddenly became as limp as a ramen noodle so fast he thought he had auto-castrated himself.

“Lara please! Don’t do this…I’m so sorry…it won’t happen again…” He crashed to his knees begging for his life. He had read about instances like this in the papers and social media, instances that ended in one spouse killing the other due to acts of unfaithfulness. He had never imagined it would someday happen to him – that he would be the one to stare at death in the face.

His life suddenly flashed before him; all he would never get to do; the children he would leave behind, his parents, siblings, his investments….the more they flashed before him, the more he didn’t want to die. He begged for his life.

“Lara stop this please…think of the kids…think of Mama…”

“Shut up!”

Ben felt tears sting his eyes. He let them fall hoping the sight would touch Lara. Unfortunately for him, she ignored them.

“Good bye sweetie!”

She levelled the gun towards his face, her finger encircled the trigger.

“Nooooooooooooooo!” Ben screamed in horror as she squeezed the trigger thrice…

.....The End?

Monday, September 15, 2014

Put Your Mouth To The Text [Photos]

I've been wondering if I should start doing a series like this which features the hilarious 'gbagauns' and messages travelling between phone chat messengers and the social media in diaspora. I guess the only challenge I might have is gathering them all at a time. I've had this collection for some time and had been wondering whether I should post them or just jettison them until I went through them this monday morning and I burst out laughing.

Oh yes...I definitely must post it. I'm not sure if I will turn it into a series; it all depends on how often I get them. If you have any, please send them to kushmond@yahoo.com. I'll credit you as the sender.

I called this 'Put your mouth to the text' because it has to do with talking with text through keypads or keyboards on either a phone or computer. Hmmm...the kind of hilarious stuff you find on Cyberspace these days sef...

Razz is the new cool but this one makes it look like a disaster

This gbagaun makes logging into an account look like
complicated algebra

I tried to picture the scenario but got screwed in the head

I hope that person wasn't a real teacher...

This came up at the time when planes were crashing all over the place

I would have excused her gbagaun if she had not emphasized it in capital letters

This was at the time Goldie passed away.
This one would be embarrassing to The Lord oh!

People would be too busy laughing at the 'gbagaun' to even think of taking the advice.

Eeh...human beings really destroy English language to this level? Chei...

With a name like that, I'm not surprised at a grammar like this...

Thats the kind of comment that gets flagged for giving readers headache

Ehn? She what?

Hahaha...See the devil of blackberry at work

Okay...so you ain't ugly but your grammar is... 

Spot the gunshot comment

This was a popular 'gbagaun' reference on twitterverse

Just pray God doesn't answer your prayer!


See falling of hand for Ekiti State Uni....

And that may have led to the end of the convo...

Her mother was her infact tales....err, wetin be that?

Gbagaun dey sleep, yanga go wake am...

Another way to break up...sell your BB with the PIN...lol

When a greedy chick meets a good guy...

Friday, September 12, 2014

Flashback Fridays: Basi And Company - Classic Naija Sitcom

Who ever remembers 'Basi and Company'? Oh...okay, let me rephrase that - how many of you were born when the 'Basi and Company' series ran way back on NTA between1985 -1990.

Well, this is my Flashback Friday reminisce...

Basi and Comapny was a comedy series that stood out way back then for many reasons.
  • It was one of the first if not the first Naija comedy sitcom that had a laughing background audience.
  • It gravitated from being a TV show to being published as a comedy fiction book series.
  • It also had album series for listening pleasure.
  • Its comic references and material was unique and so different from that of other funny sitcoms in those days.
  • It received syndication to stations across Africa. 
  • It 'derived inspiration from African folklore, and lampooned widespread corruption in oil-rich Nigeria while highlighting its consequences'.
  • So far, 'to date, it remains one of Africa's most watched comedy programmes, with an estimated thirty million viewers during its peak'.
  • It was written and produced by the late great Ken Saro-Wiwa a writer, television producer, environmental activist, and winner of the Right Livelihood Award and the Goldman Environmental Prize.who was criminally executed by a specially convened tribunal in 1995.

Late Ken Saro-Wiwa
The series was also reputable for its use of impeccable spoken English which was deliberate. Saro-Wiwa once stated in an interview in 1987: "We should go for proper English so we can relate to the rest of the world...one reason Basi is so popular is that young people are using it to learn English".

Another memorable aspect of 'Basi and Company' was its well defined character who all had well defined mannerisms. Each character had their own peculiar catchphrases.

Basi (aka Mr B) - To be a millionaire, think like a millionaire!; Holy Moses!

Madam (aka Madam de madam): Come in if you're handsome and rich; It's a matter of cash!

Alali: I'm hungry, Mr. B!

Dandy: Hell, I should have known that!; Can I have a piece of the action?

Segi: Ciao!

Has any Naija comedy sitcom of today been able to match up to the peculiarity of 'Basi & Comapny' today? I don't know of any at all.

Or does anyone know of any?

I someday hope the series could be rebooted...or rather another sitcom that applies the same peculiarities.

I rest my case. Have an awesome week y'all!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The 8 'Wow' momments of Waje's 'Onye' Video

Watching the video for Waje's 'Onye' which featured Tiwa Savage along with Bryan Okwara and Omawumi, offered me a bunch of 'wow' moments.
If the song managed to garner enough appreciation, the video definitely will reinforce it the more, and that's definitely because of the 'wow' moments presented before my viewing.

The video showcases the hilarious battle between two rivals, Tiwa and Waje for the love of one man who happens to Mr Nigeria - Bryan Okwara. Bryan is presented as a player cum gold-digger who two-times between the two women. The ladies try their best to impress him by buying him stuff until the eventual face off where they end up fighting each other while the playboy Bryan sneaks off with a third woman who turns out to be Omawumi.

Okay, let's check out the 'Wow' moments:

Wow moment 1: Waje's look.

Waje is probably one of the most simple artistes on the Naija music scene today, she's not one to flash her looks all over the place with indescretion. In fact I've seen her in some shows and interviews where she looks so simple but in the 'Onye' video, Waje suddenly looks classy, beautiful and sexy. Though its not the first time she's looked this good in a video (she also looked good in her 'I wish' and 'For a minute' videos) but the way she's made to look elegant and sexy without being indecent.

Wow moment 2: Tiwa's Yam Pounding

Tiwa Savage pounding yam? Hahahaha! Okay, maybe I've been exaggerating with the laughter but this moment would have had more intensity to its 'Wowness' if Tiwa had been pounding that yam seriously and not turning it into a naughty sexy caressing display and romancing of the pestle with the wide-apart legs.Well, she's become uninhibited these days and bares it all sha. Oh...yes, and she coquettishly cleans off the sweat in her body and shakes it into the yam she's pounding...nna...that one na 'Ewo!'.

Wow moment 3: Waje is a good actress

Before I saw this video, I had actually seen Waje in a funny skit on the Video Hits Show on youtube which is hosted by Yomi Black. Her acting there was hilarious and natural; I just had to conclude that it was about time some good nollywood flick snatched her up for a production. So I was not surprised neither was I disappointed when I saw Waje display those antics in the ‘Onye’ video. Truth be told, Waje can really act; she even outshines Tiwa Savage. My favourite part of Waje’s acting is the part where she discovers her gift car to Bryan parked in Tiwa’s garage and the basket she’s carrying drops, then she does this hilarious pissed waka up to where the car is parked.

Wow moment 4: Bryan Okwara is getting Stereotyped  

There’s always that danger for an artiste or actor to become stereotyped after playing a certain role so well. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s a recognition of the flair and talent or it’s just a curse. Just on the same Video Hits Show channel, we have two videos that featured Bryan and guess what? In both videos he plays the role of the playboy. In one, he even plays a very similar role of the playboy that secretly runs away from his chick simply because he’s afraid of commitment. Bryan plays just the same role in the ‘Onye’ video. Is it that his looks are cursed to play such role forever? I think maybe…

Wow moment 5: Omawumi playing an older woman

The first time I saw the video, I never knew the woman Bryan eventually absconds with was Omawumi. She behaved so much like an older woman – a sugar mummy to put it succinctly. She incorporated a waka and attitude that was void of youthfulness and it worked.

Wow moment 6: Tiwa Savage’s Priceless Expressions

While Waje seemed to outshine Tiwa Savage in acting (which is not to say Tiwa did not put up a good performance, she actually did), Tiwa Savage made some serious moments of impact with a couple of priceless face expressions. These may seem like unimportant parts of the video but I tell you, if you took those parts out, the video would lose some of its beauty and humour. Tiwa’s act of dropping her jaw when Bryan makes a heavy purchase on her debit card and when she and Waje see Bryan pecking Omawumi before driving off together were just hilarious to watch; maybe it has to do with Tiwa’s facial look, I have never seen Tiwa wear such a dumbfounded mouth-ajar look in any video and it definitely added sweet spice to this one.

Wow moment 7: Omawumi’s plate number

At first I didn’t notice the hilarious finality of the last scene which shows the plate number on Omawumi’s car in the first few times I watched the video. But on watching it again I noticed it: when Omawumi’s SUV arrives, we see on the front plate number - ‘My Baby Ko’ - and when it departs we see on the back plate number – ‘My Baby Ni’ – which is a popular way of responding with sarcasm and rubbishing to someone else’s interest or remarks. This was just a brilliant way to end the video; by making a statement that ridicules the two women brawling over one man who’s no good to them. It all wraps up the video with an unspoken lesson, that ‘no be fineness be husband material’.

Wow moment 8: Kemi Adetiba - the Director    

Kemi is one prolific director who you don’t see everywhere, because she doesn’t just direct music videos anyhow. Watching the ‘Onye’ video, you get to see directorial detailing and creativity (though there were some aspects I question – like Waje and Tiwa having the same sitting background while awaiting their ‘fine boy’ gold digger). Adetiba’s treatment of the video is elegant and classy; I must say this places her in the unique category of music video directors. I was expecting this to have probably been a Sesan or Clarence Peters montage but was ‘wowed’ when I discovered it was this lady director that did it.   

Okay…that’s about it; this post is getting too long, about time I stop it here. Sebi na ‘8 Wows’ I talk?

Monday, September 8, 2014

Signs of the Times 12 [Photos]

We are in a period when Nigeria is going through dark moments with the Ebola palava, Naija Political gymnastics and Boko Haram spreading its onslaught like an aboki epidemic amongst other matters arising in the news. And so many of the newspapers are carrying more bad news than good. It can be depressing checking out headlines every morning so lets give ourselves some comic relief by checking out another instalment of signs of the times...hahaha! Man...I had to go through all that info just to achieve an intro...lol.

So let's check out our set of photos for today...

Some Nigerians are daring people sha...they must have
thought whoever put up this sign was all mouth and no action

This one is even worse...even the curse on the signboard
could not deter the craze people wey dump the trash

Naija and copy copy...Don jazzy's legacy don enter optician's portfolio

....And some cliche programme on an NTA channel.

Is this an attempt to funkify a word or somebody just no sabi spell?

Really? So Jollof rice don become like indomie noodles?

See how this Aba boys are disgracing us...

Lord...which kain Garri be this? And whenever did a satchet of
garri need drinking instructions?
Oh wait...it says it's 'sweetable'....?

See how 'H' factor dey disgrace person

The owner of this car has gained both a plus and a minus.
Plus - he gets a free condom, minus - he gets a new name -'asshole'

I don't think this shirt can beat the market of poorly produced shirts
that say shit like 'My money grows like grass'

Somebody had too much time and money on their hands.

This is not a Naija picture but I just couldn't resist putting it here...
So some people no get brain, amazing...

Smart way to pass an advertising message round;
also a smart way to get arrested for defacing the naira.

Hmm...so this barbering saloon is so dedicated to Jesus that
'jaguda' hairstyles are not 'allow'....what the heck is a jaguda hairstyle?

Wow...Illiterates are now operating school businesses...

....And opening franchises of home teaching?

So what does a rude notice sound like?

Just reading the signboard alone should cure you instantly

See discrimination oh...Na only Igbo woman sabi cook?

Okay....I'm done for today. Sorry i couldn't get so much but i try nah shey?


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