WACO DICO 1

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, August 30, 2010

One thing I've come to love and appreciate about comedy is the fact that a lot of the funny jibes thrown at the audience has some wisdom or salient truth in it. The same goes for these spoof dictionary descriptions I got via email. I was so intrigued by them that I went a-searching online for more to beef up the collection. take a look for yourself and feel the outrageous wisdom of these wisecracks.


CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!




CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


DENTIST:
A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.


DISNEYLAND:
People-trap operated by a mouse.


ACHIEVEMENT:
The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.


ADOLESCENT:
A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.


ADVICE:
What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't.


ALIMONY:
A mistake by two people, paid for by one.


AMBASSADOR:
An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.


ANONYMOUS:
The worlds most popular author.


ARCHAEOLOGIST:
Man whose career lies in ruins.


DIVORCE:
Future tense of a bad marriage


LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either


COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece


TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!


DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage


CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on


MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before


CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read


SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life


ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do


COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together


EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes


ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions


YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught


DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip


IMPOTENCE:
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"


INSANITY:
Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.

The Funny names Nigerians give cars

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cars are amazing technological feats that litter our roads round the world today. Every passing year witnesses the debut of a new model or some incredible modification on an existing model. But I’m not here to examine car models or talk about which is the newest innovation.


I’m here to talk about the funny names Nigerians give these cars!
It’s amazing how some cars that have become popular end up getting nicknames which are usually as a result of situations surrounding them or their looks.


I took some time to gather as much as I could on the famous car models that were notorious for one thing or the other way back then and presently today.

The Honda series are usually very notorious for getting names.

‘Pure Water’
Honda Accord 1986
This dude became the people’s favorite among regular sedans in Nigeria. Each time someone thought of buying a car, this Honda was not far off from the consideration list. It became so common that Nigerians nicknamed it ‘Pure Water’ because sachet water was the most accessible commodity anywhere

‘Alla’
Honda Accord 1990
This was another favorite that continued where the 86’ model had left off. It was a heavy amongst the Hausas of northern Nigeria who were obsessed with it. This is how it came to be nicknamed ‘Alla’ because its supposedly said that when a Hausa man boasted about his Honda, he would go; ‘Na my Honda, Allah!’

‘Bulldog’

Honda Accord 1995
This ride gained its nickname because of the way its back was shaped and the way it sat on the ground – like a bulldog.

‘Baby boy’

Honda Accord 1998
The circumstances surrounding this car’s nickname is quite funny. The car sort of became popular after it was spotted in John Singleton’s film titled ‘Baby boy’ which starred Tyrese Gibson in the lead role. Tyrese is seen cruising this Honda with cute alloys in many scenes in the movie.

‘End of Discussion’
Honda Accord 2003

It was the tagline of its Ad that made this car popular as well as its Iv-Tec engine. The Ad simply said – ‘The New Honda Accord. End of Discussion.’ People loved this ride and it caught on like wildfire. However, the nickname ‘Iv-Tech’ later took over the former.

'Anaconda/Evil Spirit'
Honda Accord 2009
When this Honda came out last year, people were alarmed because it had one heck of a scary look when you first came across it, and it was BIG compared to its past models. It got its nickname from the look of its healamps which look as menacing as the notorious Anaconda snake of the amazon jungle. The evil look of the headlamps also gained it a second nickname of ‘Evil Spirit’.

'Orobo'
Toyota Camry 1992
This Toyota Camry probably marked the beginning of the ‘fattening up’ of the Camry range. Its longness and rotundness earned it the nickname ‘Orobo’ which is a Yoruba/pidgin lingo for ‘Fatso’.

'Millenium'

Toyota Camry 1998
Suddenly Toyota must have thought it was time to slim down and introduced a slimmer model that became popular in Nigeria till today. The problem is, it didn’t have any distinctive nickname. The only name I ever gathered it was called was ‘Millenium’ because it came out in the year 2000; when we entered the millennium.

'Big for nothing'

Toyota Camry 2004
The name probably came as a disdain registered by Nigerians at Toyota’s sudden decision to ‘fatten’ up the Camry again. This time it was so big and bogus that it was nobody seemed to see any use for its bigness.

'Muscle'
Toyota Camry 2007
This car turned out to be a correction over the ‘Big for nothing’ because now all the bigness was put to good use; the car had curves that accentuated its beauty and gave it a distinct look; curves people referred to as ‘muscles’. Nigerians couldn’t resist calling this beauty the ‘Toyota Muscle’.

'Beast'

Mercedes Benz 600 1995
This car was a huge monster that came out before most asian cars got into the bigness parade. It was never regarded as a regular car and was seen to eat up space. It was so massive and ugly it became rare and Nigerians just called it ‘the beast’.

'V Boot/ V Nyansh'
Mercedes Benz 300 1990
This ride caught Naija by storm. Nigerians fell head over heels in love with it. It was majestic and a beaut in its time. The design at that time was unique and its nickname, ‘V boot’, was derived from the unique shape of its boot which was later made sexy with the pidgin term ‘V Nyansh’.

COJA

BMW 325i 2001
Not all Beamers got nicknamed in their time, and not all their nicknames stayed as long as other cars. But for this model of BMW, the story is different. It was nicknamed ‘COJA’ after it was purchased for ministers and delegates at the COJA games in Abuja in 2003. The car was the official car of the event and became popular as a result back them. Today, the name has however faded.


Images courtesy:

www.wikimedia.org

www.static.cargurus.com
www.automotive.com
www.instylecars.com
www.miami.oxl.com
www.carconnection.com
www.extremesportscar.blogspot.com
www.manual-book.com

Of Stupid Titles and Awards

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I want to be able to say I’m proud to be a Nigerian but so many people make me scared to say it!

I sat watching the NTA news some days back and was horrified to see another freak show of that silly event we call the Nigerian National Awards – where the wrong people get awarded for supposedly ‘contributing positively to Nigeria’s development’.

What a farce!

Why on earth are we honoring criminals and despots with these awards? I like the way Nnamdi Okosieme from NEXT put it:

“By contrast, many of the men and women honoured…have brought nothing but dishonour to our national image through acts of omission and commission. From those who have tried to pilfer public funds but were stopped dead in their tracks by watchful colleagues and an inquisitive media to those who attained the highest reaches of power through the unlawful overthrow of lawfully constituted governments, we have a collection of individuals who deserve nothing but censure.”

The real heroes who deserve those awards are totally forgotten. Nnamdi’s article focused more on the sports arena and that is very crucial area that has men and women who deserve the awards in plenty.

I laughed when I saw the short nollywood actor Chinedu Ikedezie of ‘Aki & Pawpaw’ fame get awarded. I was wondering what the dude had done to gain the honor, apart from acting. Maybe I’m in the dark; somebody please enlighten me. And what about his partner, pawpaw? Why leave him out? What about other veterans in the industry who have made huge impact in Nollywood? Interestingly, nigeriafilms  questions this;

“What a lot of people in Nollywood don't understand was how Chinedu made the list when several veterans who started the race before him have not even been considered for the honours.”

I ask the question; what is the point of the awards? Does it have to do with the craze Nigerians have for titles? It could be. I’ve even noticed that many award ceremonies today are usually not really awarded according to merit but are somehow ‘paid’ for.

I even got to know of one of such at my workplace. We were told to enter some of my company’s portfolio for this advertising festival awards; an award event for the advertising industry. But then, we were required to pay some money for each award entry for some undisclosed reason. Through the grapevine, I heard that the more awards you entered, the more likely, you would be ‘honored’ because your money must pay off.

I’m not against paying entry fee to be considered for an award but it’s fast becoming a money making venture rather than a merit thingy. Oh, and lets not also forget – because Nigerians like titles and awards.

Today, so called ‘eminent’ Nigerians like it when they’re names are called with their full titles. You’d hear names go like this: Chief, Dr. Mrs GoodforNothing Bigshot, MON, FFR, CFAO JP…

I came across a guy one day and asked his name and he told me his name was ‘Engineer so and so’. I almost laughed. Must you show off that you’re an engineer by making it a title? Some Architects are also guilty of this – ‘I am Architect so and so’; like I give a hoot about your title.

And then sometime ago, my church decided to ordain Pastors and Deacons on a particular day. The day came and those who were in attendance were ordained. Those who were absent missed the chance.

The next thing – the absentees started writing letters trying to get another ordination done as if it was their right. This pissed the church leaders and they had to make it clear that this was God’s work not a chieftaincy title ceremony; God does not respect titles. Being ordained a Pastor or Deacon actually meant you’re to have some responsibilities placed on you. And unlike the political arena where thieves and opportunists have the opportunity to keep getting nonsense awards and titles, church is not the place that you stay corrupt and your title remains. You are bound to be found out and relieved of the label you so much covet.

I believe that if you are a good person or a positive achiever, your name should speak for you, not your title.  Today, Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka and host of other honorable citizens are respected when their names are mentioned. Even the ‘Prof.’ before their names don’t matter as much. But once somebody is craving for a title so that he can be respected, then he’s nothing but a big joke with low self-esteem.

By acquiring all manner of useless titles and awards, you’re begging to be noticed; but by genuinely achieving something that everyone applauds you command everyone’s attention.

Wisdom lets us understand that you don’t demand respect, you command it. 

More on the rubbish awards here 

Spitting Image?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, July 17, 2010

Ever since my daughter was born, there has always been the argument of whom she bares a striking resemblance to. At a time she looked like my Dad whenever she sulked; at another time she looked like my Mum; especially when she sprouted gapped teeth (my Mum is gap toothed). Then one of the days I was giving her a bath I noticed her ass looked just like my wife’s. I can’t forget the look on her face when I told her; she had been whining that the girl didn’t resemble her much but I tried to comfort that at least she’s got your ass.



Then one day I came across my baby photos and I couldn’t help noticing that my baby and I looked kinda alike…amazing. Or what do you think?

Daddy's Baby Girl

Daddy's Baby Self

Happy Birthday Standtall!!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A force for the women amongst men...a celebration amongst geniuses...

a voice that cries out for the sake of the feminine gender

She never forgets my birthday...why should I forget hers?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my paddy Standtall!!

Remember those days in OAU?

By their smells you shall know them…

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, July 06, 2010

It’s amazing how the smell or scent coming from a person can create a strong perception of that person. It doesn’t matter where it’s emanating from. As long as you can perceive a certain smell when the person happens to pass by, it can end up shaping your thoughts or opinions towards him or her.

But then I’d like to categorize smells. There are two divisions; the scent and the stink.

Simply put, the scent is the pleasant one while the stink is the disgusting or unpleasant one. And when I think of it, I now understand the important role perfumes and deodorants play in our lives.

When a good perfume or deodorant hits your nose coming from a person, there’s this kind of high regard for the person, especially if it’s someone you’re meeting for the first time or someone who is always wearing perfumes in your office. Your regard may be that of respect for the person’s choice of scent, class of choice, or the person’s realization of the need to smell good.

But just as a good scent can create a good perception, a serious stink can kill it; especially if the person is what I call a ‘smell paradox.’


I’ve come across ‘smell paradoxes’ and it was a disheartening experience because the persons in questions had the good works – looks, poise, dress sense and all.

And what’s the smell paradox? Having a scent and a stink at the same time!

They wore a nice perfume or deodorant but forgot to take care of their breath, reeking feet, etc. Sometimes it’s not deliberate. I have female friends who love to eat good stuff (you know how some ladies can be sweet tooths with all the craving for chocolate and sweet junk) but they fail to realize that after eating these things, sediments get stuck in their mouths and in a short while begins to smell badly. Thus the lady comes around you and you sniff her scent with pleasure but when she opens her mouth to speak, you hold your breath in hidden disgust!

Don’t get me wrong, guys are not excluded in this case. They are most times guilty of the stink.

These are the accidental stinks. Then there are the permanent ones which range from bad body odour to halitosis. Permit me not to go there as long as there are prescribed remedies to right those.


I think it makes sense if one tries to control his smells and ensure they don’t go out of control – like a brother-in-law of mine whom I always chastise to stop wearing the same boxers for more than a day because he generates a stink in them that can make your skin cringe. Or taking time to drink enough water or rinse your mouth properly (with water and not soft drink!) after consuming a heavy meal of ‘fufu’ and ‘ogbono’ soup or wolfing down a box of chocolates or exotic snacks. And what about the individual that sweats a lot? Be sure to control your hygiene or you end up smelling like ‘stale palm wine’ or something rotten.



I remember back in the University when I was in my second year. I was in my room with my roommates when there was a knock on the door. We responded and two ladies came in to preach the gospel of salvation to us. They would have made so much sense that day if not for the stink. I didn’t identify it on time since different smells were in the air till they left and one of my roomies raised the issue.



‘Guys…did you notice the smell when those ladies came here?’



We acknowledged that there had been a smell. He dropped the bomb.



‘That my friends…was the smell of p***y!’



We were shocked and all manner of speculations started flying as my roomies began to suggest maybe the lady who brought the stink was dirty, or had just had sex before coming to preach. To cut the story short, we ended up discussing about stinking private parts and hygiene rather than the message brought before us.



I guess a stink can do a lot of damage.



There was a time we had a pretty lady join our office as contract staff. She came all the way from the USA and was foreign accented such that the only way you could know she was Nigerian was by her name. She was a classy dresser, used nice jewelry and perfume – good scent which made me have a high perception of her as a person…until the day I was about to use the toilet and she stepped out after use. I stepped in and ran out again, almost choking.



Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying fine chicks no dey shit. This was just a case of accidental stink and to make matters worse, her ‘load’ smeared the inside of the water closet. I wonder how she perched to achieve that.

Other chicks in the office use the toilet but many of them leave behind a fragrance that makes you worry less that a shit episode just took place there. Maybe they take their perfumes with them and apply and freshen up after doing the business. I don’t know how they do it. But Missy here didn’t. She left the place stinking to high heavens.

And as for the men, forget them. They’ll mess up toilets with gas and crap anytime, any day.

I try not to leave a bad impression when I do the doodoo. I carry my own handwash and an air freshener spray if I have one. If I don’t, I reserve the business till the end of the day – except it’s a serious emergency.



Better to leave a scent behind than a stink. Trust me…first impression may last long, but a stink impression lasts longer.

Lionel Richie's Hello - Naija Spoof

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, June 30, 2010

This is really funny. The info says  - the song of a yahoo boy in Naija when he gets nabbed rendered in Chipmunk voice.


Hmm...I'm inspired to do something funny too...lol!

INFIDELITY BANK - Magomago plc

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It’s amazing how some Banks can turn out to be Oxymoron of what they claim to be. Such is the case of Fidelity Bank which made me see ‘pepper’ just because I needed to receive money sent to me by a relative via the international money transfer system called Moneygram.


It’s not the first time I’m receiving cash from a relative through moneygram, and each time I’ve gone to receive it, there has never been any issue. But on this occasion, someone sent me some money and informed me to cash it specifically at any Fidelity Bank. I wondered why only at Fidelity Bank. Later I was to learn that he wasn’t aware that Moneygram was available and receivable at other banks.


I took time off during break at work to go receive the cash sent to me and stepped into a Fidelity Bank branch on Allen Avenue, near the roundabout. I walked up to one of the cashiers concerned with the process and made my inquiry.


‘Good afternoon. Please is it possible for me to receive Moneygram cash transfers here?’ I asked leaning over the marble counter.


‘Yes sir.’ Replied the sinewy bespectacled young man seated behind the counter.


‘Okay. I’d like to receive some cash that was transferred to me.’


‘Do you have an account with us?’


‘No.’


‘I’m sorry but you have to have an account with us before you can receive any money transfer’


I looked at him, totally dumbfounded.


‘Excuse me? When did one have to have an account to receive money transfer?’


‘That’s the directive sir. You can speak to that lady seated there’ He pointed towards a seating arrangement with two ladies that looked like the customer service area.


I walked over to the desk and made my complaint. I got the same reply and that it was the new order from above.


I left the bank in anger.


Across the road leading to Opebi was GT Bank. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I went in to verify a fact – whether I needed to have an account with them to be able to access money transfer via Western Union which they operated. They told me I didn’t need to.

Two days later I visited another Fidelity Bank just to be sure that this account-before-receiving-transfers thing isn’t a ruse. It was a Fidelity Bank branch near Fadeyi bus stop on Ikorodu Road (pictured above). I went with wifey this time.

I made for the inquiry desk and was told the same thing – I needed to have an account with them to receive the money transfer.


I left the bank in a fit. I said to hell with the cash and almost called the relative to withdraw his money but wifey told me to still chill. She made calls to a friend in another bank about how this Moneygram thing works. The friend told her that there is no such thing as having an account before you can access Moneygram and that you could collect your cash at any Moneygram point!


To be sure, we made our way to a UBA branch at Anthony which operated Moneygram. Within minutes we had received the transferred money and verified ourselves. And nobody asked us to open any yeye account!


This got me wondering – WHAT THE HECK WAS FIDELITY BANK UP TO? I had to conclude that there was ‘magomago’ going on in that bank. They probably needed to get people to open more accounts to meet CBN deadlines so they went ahead to start this stupid lie that you needed to have an account to access any money transfer. They even claimed that it was a directive from CBN!


If you needed to have an account to access a money transfer then it defeats the purpose of transfer giants such as Western Union and Moneygram. Maybe this is why this bank is not so popular with most people. While trying to find a way to get the cash, I had gone round my office asking who had a Fidelity account. I found no one.


Fidelity Bank’s ads echo the slogan ‘we are fidelity, we keep our word’ but I doubt the sincerity and honesty in that line after what I’d gone through. It was a sheer show of trickery and dishonesty; a total oxymoron to what they claim to stand for. I’m just thankful I have a VERY good reason to never bank with them.


Who dash them that name self?

MBGN - Bordello of Deceit?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, June 03, 2010

Warning: If you're a fan, devotee or lover of MBGN, you might find this article disconcerting!

Got home late a few days ago and turned on the TV. The station on air was Silverbird and the programme being shown was the Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria Pageant. I’m usually not a sucker for shows like these because I’ve always believed that there’s a lot of deceit going on there. The only segment that I usually look forward to watching in most cases would be the question and answer session where you’d get to know who the beauty without brains is.



But then, how do you know if some of the questions haven’t been sneaked out to some favored contestants? (Like the popularly known cheating arrangements you get when it comes to Jamb, WAEC or NECO exams).

Methinks the MBGN is a bucket load of lies and just a sensational claptrap to get money spent, free ‘bushmeat’ and build credibility for the outfit behind it.



I’ll never forget an old MBGN pageant that took place sometime in the late 1990s or thereabout where almost all the contestants could barely speak English! It was a shocking barrage of total annihilation of the English language; majority of the girls fumbled on the mic with more confidence than that of Rita of Koko mansion fame. At the end, we were forced to conclude that they had gone to the villages to harvest these girls to ‘fill in the gaps’.

It was the most hilarious pageant I had ever watched and its memory never eludes me.

I never bothered to watch much of the other MBGNs enough to spot more hanky panky until this last one.



It’s 2010 and MBGN hits the limelight again and once again, they played another fast one. And what is it this time? Fake contestants or as they call them - ‘delegates’. About 80% of these contestants were Igbo girls scattered to represent states they probably knew nothing about. The mismatching was alarming; Igbo girls representing Yoruba and Hausa states, Yoruba girls representing Hausa states – did I mention that there were only about 2 or 3 Yoruba girls there? At least those are the ones I recognized. Igbo girls just full everywhere. Please tell me, does this mismatching make any sense?

It gets me thinking that there’s more to it than meets your eyes when you watch this show – did some people play showbiz politics? Did ‘congos get shined’ to get favored? What criteria did they use in judging the winner? I heard the host talking about votes gathered from judges - Wetin dem judge? Was it the best ‘performer’? (Don’t ask me in what).

And again looking very well I sooo much doubt those girls were bearing their real ages! You’ll see one passed as 18 year old, yet you see cellulite of a twenty something year old playing all over her thighs or faces that have seen better days than a past-pubescent youngster. The swimsuit session burnt their cables; majority of the body textures looked ‘very experienced’. Don’t ask me how I knew that; just take it that I’m very observant.

Sorry if this article hurts any feelings but this MBGN pageant was a farce; an entertainment stunt and not a real contest to find out the best in the true sense. Maybe it used to be good before but now its lost it’s real aim. No vex; I no dey see wayo make I no spit my opinion, period!

Selling Death

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I remember the week the news hit everywhere that young rap artiste Dagrin, had passed on after an automobile accident. Everyone, even those who never heard the guy’s music acted like they were affected. Those who never heard his music before listened to it for the first time and began to make comments on what a brilliant and talented lyricist he was.

Soon guys in my office went ahead to buy his CDs from those selling on the streets and before you know it, it became what was being played in the offices. Whenever you drive through the traffic jams, you’d come across street hawkers parading his audio and video CDs.

Last week Friday, we had our monthly ‘village meeting’ (A TGIF thingy) in the office and they had a DJ over to play some music. I was shocked when I heard the DJ playing a Dagrin rap song that was actually performed live on a show on TV – Jimmy Jatt’s Jumpoff – where guest rap artistes had to freestyle to DJ Jimmy Jatts mixes on the console. That was never meant to be on CD but now it was.

Where am I going with all this?

I’ve always heard that in the world of nasty showbiz strategies, sex and violence sells. And this is no wonder with all we see happening on our screens in movies and music.

But I guess there’s one other thing that sells that people don’t really make mention of – except probably those who make money from it and that is – Death.

It’s amazing how death can increase sales and recognition of the late artiste in question. And we see it happening everywhere, where people cashed in on a celebrity’s death.

When Tupac Shakur died, his albums became repackaged; tracks that were never released before suddenly came out. His poetry came out on CDs and today he has sort of become a phenomenon.

Biggie’s post mortem album became a hit after his death and as well as the song that was sang in his memory by his then producer Puffy.

After Michael Jackson’s death ‘This is it’ was released and it was a smash hit.

Now it’s happening in the case of Dagrin. Artistes who featured Dagrin and who might be releasing soon should probably expect sales of their albums to go up.

I remember watching Teju Babyface’s show. They showed a pilot edition last week and it featured Dagrin in a performance then an interview with Teju. If we had ratings for TV shows as they do in the US, Teju’s ratings would have probably gone high for that show.

And the Jimmy Jatt jumpoff spin off on a CD, who knows? It might be Jimmy Jatt cashing in on making his cut from the death of the young crooner.

No doubt about it, death sells but it’s not the favorite option of any artiste hoping to hit the charts.

NB: I don't know if I'm the only one that noticed this but oddly enough, Tupac, Biggie and Dagrin all sang songs about their dying before their deaths. The songs in question all sounded like premonitions. Is there a jinx that if artistes sing about their deaths, they're sigining a death warant? Creepy.

The Chronicles X - Boomerang 2

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tuesday. 11pm
A big diesel-powered generating plant sounded into the night as it powered the Chief’s big mansion with electricity. There had been a power cut that evening which had thrown the estate into darkness. But within minutes, many houses became lit as generators burst into life. In a high brow estate like this, almost everyone had a generating set or plant.


Chief Osagie was seated in his living room watching a satellite news broadcast when the deadly looking trio walked in all dressed in black casual outfits like they were from some fraternity. Only the leader wore a jacket. This time however, they were without their sunshades.

Apart from the bushy eye-browed leader, the other two had deadlier looking eyes; one had a small scar below his left eye which looked slightly faded in the pupil; no doubt, a testimony to a violent lifestyle.


‘Gentlemen welcome. So how did it go? Do take a seat. What do I offer you?’ The Chief was so eager to hear the gory details.

The leader of the trio smiled and shook his head.

‘No thank you, Chief.’


Chief Osagie gave a hearty laugh.

‘You men are the most business strict persons I've ever met. At least you’ve done the job. Why not get down to a bit of pleasure, eh?’


‘We're not done yet with our job.’


Osagie dropped the TV remote, a nasty frown settled on his face. His jovial and expectant mood instantly gave way to an enraged one.


‘What on earth are you.., you said two days!’


The leader ignoring the Chief’s outburst, slipped his hand into the inner lapel of his -jacket, drew out a gun with a silencer device attached to it and caressed its glittering nozzle.


‘Actually Chief, we did get to Alfred Osindele but he was a higher bidder and offered 6 million for your own head.’


‘Whaaat!’ screamed Chief Osagie and within a micro second after his outburst watched as the leader pointed the pistol at him and squeeze the trigger thrice.


Concluded

© Story - Afronuts
© Illustrations - Sean Baronie
                     Kimson Masters

The Chronicles X - Boomerang

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Saturday. 10pm.


Chief Osagie starred hard into the cold eyes of the three men standing before him. They created a contrast to the luxury of the big spacious living room filled with tasteful furniture; Persian rugs, Egyptian fabric upholstered seats, marble floors and crystal-like glass tables and stools. While everything around them carried the aura of class and opulence, they bore a mean and repelling aura that sent huge goose bumps round your skin. They were all casually dressed in jeans and polo or T-shirts, each one of a different shade and colour. The only similarity in their menacing looks was the dark shades and stone cold expression each one of them wore on his face.

Chief Osagie chuckled. Why on earth were they wearing shades indoors? Is it a fraternal thing or was it just another influence of the hip culture of wearing shades to look cool or deadly? The Chief pulled lightly on his big brown cigar, puffed into the heavily air-conditioned atmosphere and crushed part of the burning embers of his fat Cuban in a marble ashtray.

‘Gentlemen,’ Chief Osagie began, ‘I have seen your ‘resume’ and I’m quite impressed.’

His listeners said nothing but looked on, their eyes seemingly colder and darker than the shades they wore.

‘I also heard you are the best in the business and always do a neat job. Besides that, you only chose to work for the highest bidder, am I right?"

The heftiest amongst them with the strongest composure which suggested that he was the leader, nodded in such a slow manner it unnerved the Chief a little.

‘I heard that Chief Nwanko bid you to work for him for 1.5 million but because I need your service more urgently and since you go to the highest bidder, I decided to hire you for a higher amount – 3 million.’

The hefty one smiled. It was a warm smile that instantly diffused the tension in the air. He turned to look at his shady comrades and they acknowledged with affirmative nods.

‘Go on. We’re listening’, came the response from the leader of the trio. His voice was gentle yet cold..

‘Good’, said the Chief crushing another burnt butt in a beautiful ashtray. For a moment he paused as his eyes caught sight of the untouched brandy his maid had served his guests. He waved at it.

‘Gentlemen, feel at home, have some brandy’.

‘Sorry Chief, but we are here for business and not pleasure’.

The statement caught the Chief a bit off balance. He felt slighted. He was not a

stickler for easily swallowing a blunt refusal over a seemingly good gesture. He opened his mouth to make a counter statement but thought the better of it. At least one thing was certain from the impression they were creating; the fact that they were serious businessmen.

He picked up a large envelope and tossed it on the table in-front of his dark guests.

‘His name is Alfred Osindele. A very powerful businessman whose transport business seems to be the main interest of the city. Mine used to be the best but Osindele has started coming up with some cunning ideas that threatens to dwarf my profits in the transport business. I want you to eliminate him. He is an obstacle to my continuous booming success.’

The leader of the trio picked up the envelope, pulled out the documents, then took off his shades to get a clearer view of the documents and photos.

The Chief got a good look at his face; bushy eyebrows, clear bright eyes and a gaze that seemed to pierce into one’s soul.

‘I thought you had a very good reason for wanting him out of business’, the leader finally spoke, his roving cold eyes sidetracking the Chief's own.

The Chief gave him a nasty look and chewed angrily on his cigar to hide his building fury. The man was beginning to get on his nerve.

‘Look, I'm offering you 3 million to kill the guy. Does it concern you what reasons I have for doing that?’

He was beginning to lose his cool but his guests were not rattled. At a signal from their leader, they promptly stood up. He gave the Chief his last word.

‘Expect Alfred Osindele to be deceased in two days time’. And with that they left without saying goodbye.

 
To be continued...

Next on The Chronicles X...

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, May 10, 2010

BOOMERANG

 

How far would you go to stay successful?

One man went the diabolic lenght and learnt that 

no matter how high you go, 

someone can still beat you to it.

The Murderous Innocents 2

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, April 29, 2010

Apparently, the issue of child soldiers has origins far back than I expected. After coming across this info, I came to realize that it was a phenomenon that pervaded almost any nation that went to war!

 

According to a report as stated by stolenchildhood.net, more than 120,000 children under 18 years of age have participated in armed conflicts across Africa. Some of these children are no more than 7 or 8 years of age.

Children as young as 10 worked as fighters, spies and domestic workers, some groups abducted girls into sexual slavery.

In addition to the obvious risks to children of participation in armed conflict - which apply equally to adults - children are often at an added disadvantage as combatants. As a result of being widely perceived to be dispensable commodities, they tend to receive little or no training before being thrust into the front line. Reports from Burundi and Congo-Brazzaville suggest that they are often massacred in combat as a result.

   
Image source


Throughout history and in many cultures, children have been extensively involved in military campaigns even when such practices were supposedly against cultural morals.

The earliest mentions of minors being involved in wars come from antiquity. It was customary for youths in the Mediterranean basin to serve as aides, charioteers and armor bearers to adult warriors. Examples of this practice can be found in the Bible (such as David's service to King Saul), in Hittite and Egyptian art, and in Greek mythology (such as the story of Hercules and Hylas), philosophy and literature.

Also in a practice dating back to antiquity, children were routinely taken on campaign, together with the rest of a military man's family, as part of the baggage. This exposed them to harm from rearguard attacks, such as the one at the battle of Agincourt, where the retainers and children of the English army were massacred by the French.

The Romans also made use of youths in war, though it was understood that it was unwise and cruel to use children in war, and Plutarch implies that regulations required youths to be at least sixteen years of age.

In medieval Europe, young boys from about twelve years of age were used as military aides ("squires"), though in theory their role in actual combat was limited. The so-called Children's Crusade in 1212 recruited thousands of children as untrained soldiers under the assumption that divine power would enable them to conquer the enemy, although none of the children actually entered combat; according to the legend, they were instead sold into slavery. While most scholars no longer believe that the Children's Crusade consisted solely, or even mostly, of children, it nonetheless exemplifies an era in which the entire family took part in a war effort.

Young boys often took part in battles during early modern warfare. One of their more visible roles was as the ubiquitous "drummer boy" – the film Waterloo (based on the Battle of Waterloo) graphically depicts French drummer boys leading Napoleon's initial attack, only to be gunned down by Allied soldiers.


  
*Drummer boy John Clem during the American Civil War
Image Source 

During the age of sail, young boys formed part of the crew of British Royal Navy ships and were responsible for many important tasks including bringing powder and shot from the ship's magazine to the gun crews. These children were called "powder monkeys".
During the Siege of Mafeking in the Second Boer War, Robert Baden-Powell recruited and trained 12-15 year old boys as scouts, thus freeing up the limited number of men for the actual fighting. The boys' success led indirectly to Baden-Powell founding the Boy Scouts, a youth organization originally run along military lines. At the outbreak of the First World War, boys as young as 13 were caught up in the overwhelming tide of patriotism and in huge numbers cheerfully enlisted for active service others to avoid the harsh and dreary lives they had working in British industry. (Now you know the reason the Boys Scout was actaully formed!)

By a law signed by Nicholas I of Russia in 1827, a disproportionate number of Jewish boys, known as the cantonists, were forced into military training establishments to serve in the army. The 25-year conscription term officially commenced at the age of 18, but boys as young as eight were routinely taken to fulfill the hard quota.

In World War II, children frequently fought in insurrections. During the Holocaust, Jews of all ages, including teenagers participated in the Jewish resistance simply in order to survive.
A number of child soldiers served in the Soviet Union's armed forces during the war. In some cases, orphans also unofficially joined the Soviet Red Army. Such children were affectionately known as "son of the regiment" and sometimes willingly performed military missions such as reconnaissance.


   
*Hitler Youth (Hitlerjugend) 
Image Source

On the opposite side, Hitler Youth (Hitlerjugend) was an organization in Nazi Germany that trained youth physically and indoctrinated them with Nazi ideology to the point of fanaticism. Lewis D. Eigen, in his article on the history of the "normality" of use of child soldiers observed:

"The Germans equipped an entire SS Panzer Tank Division and manned it with 16 and 17-year-old boys from the Hitler Youth brigades. As Germany suffered more casualties, more teenagers volunteered and were accepted, initially as reserve troops but then as regulars. The German ethic of the boy soldier not only encouraged such service but towards the end of the war, the Germans even drafted boys as young as 12 into military service. These children saw extensive action and were among the fiercest and effective German defenders in the Battle of Berlin."


   
 *German kid prisoners of war in the streets of Berlin, May 1945
Image Source 

In some cases, youth organizations were, and still are, militarized in order to instill discipline in their ranks, sometimes to indoctrinate them with propaganda and prepare for subsequent military service.

In preparation for the possible invasion of Japan by the Allies, Japanese military authorities also trained young teens to charge the enemy with bamboo spears. Prior to that, Japanese school children experienced increased military training introduced through their physical education classes, with military drills becoming a staple part of their curriculum.

There's so much info on the child soldier phenomenon but I've tried to simplify key info as much as possible from what I gathered. And I guess from the look of things, its not a new thing but something thats always been there and part of history.

  
*Sudanese child soldier
Image Source

I guess it makes sense to say, its a necessary evil that comes with wars, and I guess the more we reduce wars, the more we reduce the risk of annihilating future generations on bloody battlefields.

The Murderous Innocents 1

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, April 22, 2010

I remember the first time I saw the movie ‘Hotel Rwanda’. I was shocked to the marrow and prayed that such genocide would not happen in Nigeria (Though we’ve had similarly close cases already!). Then I saw ‘Sometimes in April’ which was far more horrific than ‘Hotel Rwanda’ and I almost wept as I imagined these terrible things happening to people in Africa.

 

The first ever of such movies I saw was ‘The Rise and Fall of Idi Amin’, a movie so real in its depiction that rumors were rife amongst we ignorant ones that it was real life being documented.
‘Blood Diamond’ exposed the brutal shedding of blood and war by greedy folks all because of diamonds. The ‘Long sleeve or short sleeve’ scene scared my thoughts vividly.

 

‘Lord of War’ showcased how weapons were illegally sold to African Rebels to help them gain ground over the war. I can never forget the credit opening scene which followed the process of a bullet being manufactured up to the point it ends up being fired into the skull of a child.

More movies everyday depicting the horrors of civil wars and genocides in Africa have been made but I came across a movie with a shocking and very different perspective recently that made me go looking for facts.

I’m talking of Jean-Stephane Sauvaire’s 2008 movie, ‘Johnny Mad Dog’

The movie was extracted from a book by the same tile, written by Emmanuel Dongala, a Congo citizen who fled the country in 1997 during its civil war and now lives in western Massachusetts.
The film focuses on a group of child soldier commandos, led by 15 year old Johnny, who are part of a Rebel faction bent on seizing control of war-torn Congo. They rob, pillage and slay everything in their path and bear names like No Good Advice, Small Devil, Jungle Rocket, and Young Major.



At the same time we also follow the story of Laokolé, also the same age, who simply wants to finish high school and become an engineer. She tries to escape her war torn country with her little brother Fofo, 8 and in the process crosses paths with Johnny as the story progresses.

The acting of the children in this movie was so realistic that I went online on a fact finding mission as to how Jean-Stephane Sauvaire achieved this. I discovered that the kids were actually former child soldiers from the Liberian civil war. They didn’t need to be actors; all they had to do was act what they did during the war. The location shoot was actually in Liberia which had a lot of war torn areas that were apt for the scenes.



To imagine kids like this fighting in the war terrified me; they were younger, had more energy than adults, that apart from being introduced to all manner of drugs and ‘jazz’ to enhance their performance, and they were very deadly as shown by the bloodthirsty No good advice, Johnny’s second in command.

My mind wandered further. How on earth did child soldiers come into existence? Almost, if not every war in Africa has had the factor of kid soldiers being recruited to fight in the war. Is it the poverty level or some other third world factor that makes this happen? I went a-searching and I found shocking results…

To be continued... 

Bizzare Jobs From History 2

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The bizarre jobs people got themselves occupied with in the past will just never cease to amaze me…and I’m sure you as well. Did you think the jobs from the first entry were bizarre? Here’s more!


Urinatores

 

The name gave me a ridiculous first impression when I came across it. The first thing that popped into my head was – did these guys piss for a living? It’s good not to jump to conclusions so quickly ‘cause it wasn’t exactly what I thought it was.

The urinatores were salvage divers from Ostia. The name – with its similarity to urine – is probably a reference to the fact that the deep diving caused so much pressure on their abdomens that they urinated a lot. (What! So if I had a job of tasting the sugar level of a malt factory and it made me shit more regularly would that make my job get named something like ‘Shitmaestro’?)

The divers had but one tool – a kettle shaped diving bell filled with air for breathing and weighed down with lead weights – to help the divers reach up to 30 meters below the surface. Their job was primarily salvage but they also moved construction equipment around. The dangers in this job are obvious but the pay was good – with many of the divers becoming very affluent members of the Roman society.

Na wah oh! Aristocrats with ridiculous careers.



Litter Carrier

 

Okay. I am now convinced that in the past, people lacked the ability to properly name jobs. A litter carrier sounded like one who emptied the trash on a regular basis. But I was shocked that it was something else…


The litter carrier was a slave whose job it was to cart women (and later men) around in little carriages. It was a hard job and a tedious one and could be dangerous (picture carrying a carriage up a flight of stairs!) The litter carriers were usually dressed in fine garments and the litters became more and more extravagant over the years. In fact, in later years many wealthy romans had windows of glass in their litters instead of the traditional curtains. Documents from the Roman times tell us that it was very uncomfortable to travel by litter as it could make one sea sick. This job has remained to a certain extent in that there is a group of men trained to carry the Papal Sedia Gestatoria (a throne carried on men’s shoulders). The sedia was last used in the 1980s but may make a come back due to recent security complications surrounding Pope Benedict XVI.

I wonder why that is but I sincerely don’t want to know.



Gymnasiarch



The gymnasiarch had a busy job in ancient Greece due to the popularity of athletics. Despite being a dirty job – the gymnasiarch had to oil and scrape the athletes as well as tidy up after wrestling matches and the gymnasium in general, the position was highly sought after by the rich as it was considered the epitome of philanthropic occupations. To qualify as gymnasiarch you had to be between 30 and 60 and you have a large net worth. One benefit of the job was that you got to carry a stick with which to beat sullen youths who misbehaved in the gym.

Hmm…sounds like a sports prefect from a Nigerian high school, a barber and a janitor all in one!




Orgy Planner



Boy! The name says it all O! Just as you have wedding planners, so also did the Romans have orgy planners!

The orgy planner had a very unusual job – he got to plan festivities for the rich of society and, in some cases, got many perks (which I am sure you can imagine without me spelling it out). The orgy planner had to organize food, women, music, and accommodation. The downside to the job is that the orgy planner was not liked by all members of society (particularly those who were never invited to orgies) and the trade was even banned for a short time. The most famous orgy planner was Gaius Petronius who is most famous for writing the satirical book about Roman debauchery called Satyricon.


Hmm…do we have something close to this today? Well, the closest to this would be anybody who decides to throw a very 'bad' party at home when his or her parents aren’t around! Only they don’t get paid to do so, lol!

Funeral Clown



The funeral clown was paid to dress up as the dead person, wear a mask of his face, and dance about acting like him. The Romans believed that this would placate the spirits of the dead and bring joy to the living. As the funeral processed, the funeral clown would run alongside the corpse with other clowns making jokes and mimicking the dead. Some clowns were very highly regarded and even got to mock the emperor at his funeral. They were well paid and an oddly happy diversion from the clowns regular job as the head of a mime troupe.


Making fun of dead people for a living? I wonder why they don’t do this anymore. Probably because it became way too sensitive to those mourning. These Romans sef!



Slinger



A slinger was a man trained to use the sling. The sling was an essential part of roman military strategy because it was more effective (both in distance and damage) to an arrow. As a child, slingers-in-training would be required to kill their dinner – no kill, no food. It was an extremely good way to get youths trained fast. The slinger could throw stones up to one pound in weight and they could be used accurately up to 200 meters.


A job you start preparing for from young age…hmmm. Where they inspired to develop this job after hearing of what David did to Goliath in the Bible?




Whipping Boy



A whipping boy, in the 1600s and 1700s, was a young boy who was assigned to a young prince and was punished when the prince misbehaved or fell behind in his schooling. Whipping boys were established in the English court during the monarchies of the 15th century and 16th century. They were created because the idea of the Divine Right of Kings, which stated that kings were appointed by God, and implied that no one but the king was worthy of punishing the king’s son. Since the king was rarely around to punish his son when necessary, tutors to the young prince found it extremely difficult to enforce rules or learning. Whipping boys were generally of high birth, and were educated with the prince since birth. Due to the fact that the prince and whipping boy grew up together since birth, they usually formed an emotional bond. The strong bond that developed between a prince and his whipping boy dramatically increased the effectiveness of using a whipping boy as a form of punishment for a prince. The idea of the whipping boys was that seeing a friend being whipped or beaten for something that he had done wrong would be likely to ensure that the prince would not make the same mistake again.

Another job that proves that ancient English people were serious oddballs. First; this was a job for a youngster. Second; the job description involved being a scapegoat all the time - getting whipped for a living.


Are these jobs bizarre or what? In those days they probably weren’t. And who knows, maybe a lot of our jobs today will be seen as oddball professions in the future!


Source: www.listverse.com