Breaking News...Upcoming Comedian, CD John is Dead

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 24, 2011

News just got to me early hours this morning that upcoming comedian, CD John was involved in a motor accident in which he ran into a stationary truck 2 days ago.

He evetually gave up ghost yesterday.

CD John is well known for his brand of comedy which involves indigenious gospel music and local church parodies




He always succeeds in cracking up the crowd with unique talent and creative renditions.

May his soul rest in peace.

Naija Internet Lingo - How much of it is for real?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, March 21, 2011

You might have come across some of these Naija internet slangs and gotten confused; I decided to go on a search to find them out and got results. Infact what I found is quite surprising and I'm wondering...do Naija folks really use these on the Internet? I know of some but the others...?

1. LWKM - Laugh wan kill me


2. LWKMD - Laugh wan kill me die

3. MIDG - make i dey go

4. WGYL - we go yarn later

5. IGA - I gbadun am

6. ICS - I can't shout

7. DJM - Don't jealous me

8. WBDM - Who born d maga

9. UDC - U de craze

10. NUS - Na u sabi

11. WSU - who send u

12. OSABZ - over sabi

13. ITK - I too know

14. WDH - wetin dey happen

15. NDH - nutin dey happen

16. FMJ - free me jo

17. BBP - bad bele people

18. HUD - how u dey

19. WKP - waka pass

20. BBG - baby girl

21. KKL - Kokolette

22. MML - mamalette

23 GFF- Gbono fe le fe le (e.g., she GFF)

24. NTT - Na true talk

25. IKU - It koncain u?

26. NDM - no dull me

27. LGT - let's goo there

28. IFSA - I for slap am

29. IGDO - I go die o

30. YB - Yess boss

31. NLT - No long thing

32. 2GB - 2 gbaski (e.g., the song 2GB!)

33. CWJ - carry waka jorh

34. WBYO - wetin be your own

35. U2D - U 2 do

36. U2DV - U 2 dey vex

37. MKG - maka gini?

38. WSDP - who send dem papa

39. INS - i no send

40. INFS - i no fit shout

41. WWY - who wan yarn

42. NBST - no be small thing

43. NWO - na wah oooooo

44. NMA - no mind am

45. MIHW - make i hear word

46. NBL - no be lie

47. NB? - na beans?

48 wd - wetin dey

49. UNGKM - u no go kill me

50. o2s - omo 2 sexy

51. UTMG - You Try My Guy

52. UR2M = You are too much


Are any of you familiar with these slangs or they are kind of far fetched?

Garri & Agege Bread - What Manner of Controversy?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 10, 2011

Nowadays I’m usually sceptical about any sensational news about some food item that I’ve been used to consuming being said to contain some substance or chemical that could be detrimental to my health. Who comes up with such hard to stomach rubbish when the said food has always been part of one’s way of life for several years?

Take Garri for instance.

This food item has not only become a popular food item with all classes of Nigerians but has played a very important role in the life of every Nigerian student from secondary school level to tertiary education level. It is the simplest food to prepare and consume and complement with ‘accessories’ like sugar, groundnut or milk. It is the total embodiment of what you’ll call ‘fast food’. Even when you’re as poor as a church rat, Garri seems to never desert you. There was a time I got tired of eating those extra garnished meals during lunch break and brought some Garri to work. With just some water from the office dispenser and a couple of groundnuts from the aboki across the road, I was good to go on a fast lunch. Some colleagues saw me grubbing the Garri and retorted that it was a good idea, and even asked me if I had some to share. Nobody with a past romance with Garri could resist the idea of lunching on this simple meal.

And then there was a time news spread around that Garri was dangerous to your health; that it could destroy your eyes!

I was in secondary school when that news came out and everybody fell hook, line and sinker for it; especially the school authorities. Suddenly schools began to ban Garri and declared it a contraband item. Students where told never to bring Garri amongst their provisions to school but it was hard to do that. Thus students ventured into the act of smuggling the cherished food item into dormitories. I remember in my secondary school days when we just resumed for a new term; you’d submit your luggage to the housemaster and his committee to search your luggage for any of the famous ‘contraband’. Many of us devised ways to get the stuff into the dormitories. We even gave it a code name – ‘Garium Sulphide’ after some chemical science students got to know about in chemistry classes.

The fact remained that there was nothing you could do to stop students from consuming Garri. What they couldn’t even do with Garri in secondary school, they aachieved in the University. I have been consuming Garri for more than 20 years and my eyes are still as sharp as bird’s. All other devotees of Garri that I know that have remained loyal to ‘Garium’

So what about the BS on Garri ruining your eyes?


Then came the mescaforming info about Agege bread.

Agege bread is another food item that sits in the class of Garri. Many of us (especially those of us who were not born with a silver spoon) fed and grew up judiciously on evergreen this brand of bread which probably bears a similarity to what bread must have looked like in the days of our Lord Jesus Christ (remember those moments he shared bread for his apostles and the people?). Fortunately, many of us have left secondary school before Agege bread was declared a dangerous food item that contained bromate; a somewhat harmful God-knows-what.

Annoyingly and as usual, people fell for it and all of a sudden, the competition of Agege Bread, which is the brand of bread known as ‘sliced bread’ seemed to sell more. Some even went as far as tagging their bread ‘bromate free’, whatever the hell that means.

But I just love the way these food items seem to bounce back in their essential commodity glory. People seemed to have thrown the ‘bromate’ awareness in the trash bin because Agege bread still sells like hot cakes! There’s a woman on my street who sells bread. 80% of her bread is Agege bread, the rest are the sliced variety. In two days she sells off the Agege bread while the Sliced variety stay on the shelf for about four days.

I can’t resist Agege bread. Neither can many of my friends. I grew up on this food item. Mum would feed me and my siblings about four times a week on Agege bread with something. And today we’re all still as fit as a fiddle. Where’s the damage from the bromate? Even my younger brother who came from Scotland recently demanded passionately to eat Agege bread for breakfast one Sunday morning. He even told me that he and his Naija friends in Aberdeen had a place where they could always purchase Agege bread but it was scarce, frigging expensive and ALSO BROMATE FREE, and it came from a bakery owned by Indians who employed Nigerians to do the baking! What the hell?!!

Even our celebrities can't deny the important role this bread played and still plays in our lives. Ask Uche Jombo!

I think government bodies like NAFDAC should watch what the kind of info they dole out to the public. If stuff kills oyinbo but does nothing to us, why feed us the BS? 

They make noise over our staple meals yet they say nothing about the dangerous content in some of the processed foods circulating Naija’s market. What about that nasty sweetener called ‘Aspertame’? It’s present in Diet coke and Pepsi Light drinks, it’s present in Nutri C, the popular fruit powder drink and Amarila, another powder drink being marketed for children in Nigeria.  I discovered that when I stopped taking Nutri C, my health improved (I used to have all the symptoms associated with excessive consumption of Aspartame – and if you want to know what these symptoms are just google ‘the problem with aspartame’ or something)

Now I’m wondering…which food will they condemn next? It really gets me thinking that some diabolic individuals are using these crooked strategies to make some money; create a problem and then sell a solution. But I’m wiser to understand that I should never ‘fall mugu’ to another misyarn about any food that’s played an important role in our lives.

Garri & Nutri C images Courtesy

www.pactmates.com
www.beglobalfood.com

Facebook Mischief 2

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, February 25, 2011

When Val Sucks...Not!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I sat in my car yesterday morning listening to a call-in program where the hosts wanted people to call in and tell them how they spent their Val the day before. Unfortunately, all the callers they ever got told them their Val sucked. The most outrageous being a chick who said she spent her Val at home eating ‘Eba’. The hosts were stunned and asked about her guy, she said she had none and that she was okay romancing a plate of nice ‘Eba’ at home.


Hmm... Val’s day definitely sucked for many people; maybe it was because it fell on a Monday which was a no-nonsense day of the week. Fela Anikulapo-Kuti’s song testifies to it in his classic ‘Lojo Monday, Eko o ni gbagbakugba o’ (On Monday, Lagos won’t tolerate any nonsense).

As for me, Vals day was sweet!




My Vals day actually started from a pre-val outing on Sunday 13th. I took wifey to a married couples get-together dinner event called ‘Honeymoon4ever’. We had games, Q&As, a speaker who spoke extensively on Finance and Marriage and lots more. But the most interesting part of the event was the interactive session where different couples shared their take on how sex affects finance and vice versa.

Most of the men talked in favour of themselves or just spoke out of context. I wasn’t surprised. When it comes to talking about sex, people get extra excited. In this case, they got so excited and veered away from the main topic. The anchor had to keep asking; ‘Okay, so how does that affect finance?’

One guy was talking and his wife was pinching him not to let out stuff and he told the audience that she was pinching him to keep shut. Another guy talked so extensively about his wife’s mannerisms in the bedroom that when she tried to sneak away the anchor drew attention to her.

Eventually I raised my hand to speak. Wifey was backing me so she wasn’t aware. When the microphone was handed to me, a ‘what-in-the-world-is-he-going-to-say?’ look was written all over her face. I took the mic, cleared my throat and spoke.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, before I speak, could you please applaud my wonderful wife.’

Applause and cheers followed before I continued.

‘You’ll ask me why I requested for an applause. It’s because she’s a smart woman.’

Slight laughter filled the hall.

‘Naturally, I’m a frugal person when it comes to spending cash and that means you don’t get cash out of me so easily but one night my wife seriously ‘dealt with me’ in the bedroom and when she asked for money, I gave her without even thinking! Now that’s sex affecting finance!’

The whole room was thrown into guffaws and spasmodic cheering. The women felt good; at least this was a credit to them. But the most glad of them all was Wifey herself. This seemed to encourage the women because the next person who picked the microphone was the wife who had been pinching her hubby.

On our way home, wifey went on and on about it; she felt so honored and surprised. I could see this new glow on her face. I had made her day. This goes on to show the importance of appreciating your woman; it’s a powerful tool, especially if it has a surprise element to it.

The next day which was Val, we went out after work and bought buckets of ice cream and some suya (she loves these) and settled down at home to eat while watching a romantic comedy together. Forget the idea of taking her out to any Val joint, I hate the way those places get crowded during the period.

And at least if you considered it to someone eating ‘Eba’ at home during the love season, I think we enjoyed Val better!

Sorry! This post should have actually come up on the 14th which was Valentine’s day but thanks to the crappy internet connection and one delay or the other, I couldn’t.

Blackberry Zombies

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The meeting was about to start but the MD was not yet on seat.  While waiting at the round table someone played with his pen on the table, another drew sketches of meaningless abstract art on his jotter, another person read a newspaper or while another a magazine, someone listened to music via earpiece connected to her phone and four people sat glued to their blackberry phones tapping away on the keypads like their life depended on it.

I’m walking down the corridor to the Audio-Visual studio and I come across an intern leaning against the wall, a blackberry in her hands, her face glued like an electrified zombie to its screen. She hardly notices me passing by.

A colleague boards a commercial bus and hands his fare to the conductor. Next to him is seated a casually dressed young man tapping away on his blackberry. The conductor calls for his fare, dude hears not. His eyes are glued with glee to his phone, all attention totally sucked into the little glowing demon in his hands. The conductor hollers at him, jerking his attention. Dude holds blackberry in one hand, eyes still hooked to the screen, uses the other hand to bring out fare and hand it over to the pissed-off conductor without turning from his phone or paying mind to the invective from the conductor.

Ever seen a car pull over just for its driver to whip out his blackberry and ping on it? Or a person spend a long time in the toilet not because the shit was too harsh to offload but because they had to do something very ‘important’ on their blackberry?

Okay. I don’t need to give too many examples. By now you might have guessed the issue I’m trying to hit.

 The blackberry phone, no doubt, is a gadget of convenience; it’s like carrying your own computer and internet around. It gives you instant access to your network of friends and you are able to chat or do business anytime, anywhere. I know it’s not a new technology so don’t get the idea that I’m talking like it’s one.

A few years earlier in Nigeria the blackberry was not a phone that just anybody could afford because it fell in the category of high end phones but as the GSM awareness caught Naija by storm with tech savvy phones appearing now and again, and with Asian copycat versions flooding the market, the prize fell and the blackberry became a ‘pure water’ phone. To make matters worse, the Chinese copycat is also available at a cheaper price (Chai! These Chinkos sabi spoil market!).

So what happens when people find out they can own a blackberry without paying thru the nose? You guessed right – every Tom, Dick and Hilary gets one. Don’t be surprised if you see a Naija commercial bus conductor tapping away on a blackberry.

Well, those may be the pros but the cons would be the fact that this hand held mobile cretin has stolen the lives of many its owners. Now people are so comfy wasting precious time on their blackberry phones they end up not having time for other things. Nope, it’s not because they are doing any important research but because it’s become the bonafide ‘amebo’ social network thanks to its benefit of instant ping chatting and Facebook. It has turned many people into zombies; their attention is more fixed on the thrills of useless gists, downloading and forwarding of pics, images, music and videos. I remember I blogged about the menace Facebook had become some time back. Thanks to the blackberry, it’s more amplified than ever. 

Image courtesy www.blackberrycool.com

Everywhere you find a blackberry, there’s constant lack of attention. Don’t ever discuss anything with anybody who’s holding onto a blackberry. If a chat ping comes in, you just might get ignored for some minutes. And trust me, it can be so annoying.

Oh…did I tell you that there’s a toy version for kids? Kai! Isn't that a bit too early for dem youngsters?

For that lady or guy that loves attention from his/her man or woman, please don’t ever buy him/her a blackberry for a gift! The moment you do that, you’ve got yourself a RIVAL! I know this because even my wife had to fight me over the fact that my laptop was becoming her rival for attention…lol.

I like the idea of the blackberry and its use…but I’m just afraid of ever getting one. Apart from the fact that I usually hate joining a bandwagon trend, I also dread the fact that it might steal some of my hard-conserved precious time – like the one I spend reading and meditating on my Bible. 

That’s true…even without the blackberry, many who take their spiritual life serious are still try hard to have time to spend with God. Now that the blackberry is here and they own one what happens?

Oh Blackberry…you’re such a distractive devil!

Hence I keep away from this 'winch' of a gadget before it infects me with its telephony virus and turn me into one of its zombies!

UNIBEN Students' Show of Shame

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, February 01, 2011

January 30^th on Monday morning, a shocking video simply titled ‘Facebook’ was uploaded on to Youtube.
 

Its contents? A thirteen minute show of a group of boys (couldn’t actually tell their number) punishing three girls who had been caught red-handed in a room having lesbian sex. The video started with the boys ordering the girls to get on the bed and demonstrate the act while they filmed it. After a while, they were ordered to lie down while they were whipped on their bare butts with belts.

Two of the girls being questioned by their punishers amidst tears.

The scenario happened in the University of Benin (as indicated on the youtube info space by the uploader). From the noisy staccato going on in the background, it could be gathered that the girls had been heavily into the act earlier and had been so loud in their lust that the boys who lived in the same apartment complex heard their noise and decided to barge in.

One of the girl's being pinned down by a boy's leg while she gets whipped.

It was a total show of shame; the girls were told to perform all manner of sexual acts amidst tears and pleas and vicious belt whippings.

I don’t support gay lifestyle or orientation; in fact I totally hate it and believe it’s an abomination against God’s laws. But I was shocked at the brutal beating of the girls. I guess they should be careful where they tread next time. The video did not last up to a day on Youtube. It was yanked off before the evening but people had already downloaded it and started sending it to others on their phones.

Obviously people now know how to make a big scandal thanks to the use of the camera phone, blackberry, facebook and youtube. Sometime last year also in Benin, a lecturer who was always making girls have sex with him before offering them marks was caught red handed on camera after a trap had been set for him.

One of my colleagues decided to plant her camera phone in her room and set the camera rolling because she believed that someone was stealing her stuff. Sure enough, it caught the new babysitter they had just got searching through her cupboard and drawers for anything to pilfer. That was the end of her job.

This goes out to show that secret acts cannot stay hidden anymore. 

So if you’ve got a dirty secret and you get careless, who knows?  There just might be a camera somewhere recording your torrid reality show!

 

Orobo - The Cartoon

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Here's a short animation experiment a friend and I put together. It's roughly done but I think it still delivers..lol!
We have a number of other stuff we're putting together. This was just a test run I thought I might share.

Facebook Mischief

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, January 21, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, January 10, 2011

Today, I officially start the new year on this blog.

And I'm excited about it because this year is seriously LOADED.

There's a lot of celebrations coming up as levels are changing everywhere around me

(and for you reading too...I hope)

So I say, welcome to an explosive new year!

Congratulations!!!

Lol...some people will definitely understand what I REALLY mean.

Nigerian Fiction: Pacesetters Series...What happened?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, December 10, 2010

I remember back in the past in Naija, the movies we watched mostly were foreign movies. Today we have Naija movies that get better (and at times worse) everyday.

In the past, most of the music that thrilled us was foreign music. Today we have our own music industry which has gain international acclaim.

In the past we used to read foreign novels (James Hadley Chase, Mills & Boon series etc) but along the line came our own novel sensations - the Pacesetters series (pictured above) which took everyone by storm. You'd see secondary school students as well as adults totting copies of these Nigerian (and sometimes other African) written urban pop-fiction series which ranged from Romance to Action thrillers. We loved them and they showed that we had a lot of talented pop-fiction writers here in Nigeria

These books were hot cakes back then and you saw them to buy at many bookshops then but over time they have disappeared and Macmillan doesn't seem to be publishing them anymore.

And people have gone back to reading foreign paperbacks. And people seem to read more of self help books or gossip tabloids today.

Why didn't the reading culture that seemed to explode during the pacesetters era stay on? What killed it? Could it be the coming of the internet and cable television?

Though lately there have been some revival attempts by some publishing outfits like Farafina books who are doing a good job of it. Also a new generation of authors are springing up with brilliant works all over the place. Reading session events are even recently becoming more frequent.

So should we be expecting that reading and writing culture to come back and storm the literate or reading populace like the pacesetters did back then? 

We've created our own music types and broken away from being hooked to foreign ones; we've opened up the channel for our movie industry to thrive and become a renown one that's now viewed on satellite, we have writers and books coming out again but have Nigerians embraced reading as they have embraced music and the movies? Or are these two countering the reading culture?

I long for book lines like the pacesetters series to come back; they were fun in those days and added value to students way back. I believe it will help develop our reading culture and give us a space to create what is proudly our own that the outside world can appreciate. Imagine these series being adapted to movie versions (that will contribute to better storylines!).

I can't forget classics like 'Mark of the Cobra', 'On the Road', 'Naira Power', 'Director!', 'Coup!', 'Sisi'...and the list goes on. I feel like reading some of them again. we had real creative writers then and a series that was very accessible, and a reading public that was grabbing them.

Who else was ever a pacesetter fan?

The Okada Hell Ride And My Baby's Poop

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, December 02, 2010

Okay, how do I start this story?


I was on a mission; a very important mission – to submit a sample of my little girl’s poop to a diagnostics lab for testing.

My car wasn’t available because the brain box had malfunctioned and I had to park it. That meant I had to move around by public transport.

We had arrived from church that afternoon and had waited eagerly for little Timi to ‘offload’. She had been ill for sometime and was getting better but for her to complete her treatment, there was need for one more test, and it involved a sample of her poop.

Timi ate like a horse (thanks to the B-complex vitamins) she ate her own meal and joined me and wifey to consume ours. She finished off my chicken and almost ate the bones. I was shocked; I didn’t know a one year old could consume that much.

Finally she stopped eating and stood still, her cheeky face rigid and concentrated. She looked into the distance as if trying to comprehend something. I got the message.

‘MJ! Oya bring the container oh! Timi wan begin shit!’

Soon Timi was cleaned up and Wifey handed me a vial filled with her yucky output. It felt warm and I cringed; not at the though of holding my baby’s poop in a transparent plastic but at the thought of carrying it to another destination – like I was some messenger sent to deliver the ‘poop of life’ that would liberate some suffering village (Thanks to the crappy Nollywood movies I had accidentally watched, my imagination was running amok).

It would have been comforting if all I had to do was just board an ‘Okada’ (bike taxi) head there, drop the stuff and come back but that wasn’t the story.

First the journey involved passing through a major road that was under construction; a road that had been graded by caterpillars leaving nothing but brown clay dust all over the road. As cars passed through this road, dust swirled up like a desert sandstorm, covering one’s vision like a thick early morning harmattan fog – only that it was a hot midday afternoon and this was dust, not misty dew. As if to boast of its intesity the dust was on every house along the road, changing every color to dirty brown.

Secondly I discovered that the Okada was going to carry two of us and not me alone. Now I hated riding on okada with another passenger; I preferred being the only passenger but today I wasn’t holding enough ‘change’ so I just climbed on behind the rider and this neatly dressed dude sat behind me.



As the Okada sped along the road, the dust rose and I found myself struggling to stay free from being choked. Cars passing by in the other direction or overtaking us made matters worse by amplifying the thickness of the dust.


The okada man was wearing a helmet with a visor so his face was covered from being blinded by the dust; the dude behind me wore a pair of sunshades so just his eyes were protected.


Only I had nothing to cover my eyes. So I was forced to hide my face behind the Okada man’s back which was not at all comforting. I had to endure looking at his dirty collar and grime caked neck all through the trip while resisting the urge to barf or choke on dry airborne clay particles.

Finally the dude behind me got to his destination and came down. I was so relieved; it was additional torture having a man's privates poking you in the back on a bike. A friend who had been expecting him laughed at us – we had been so pelted by the dust and our hair had turned brown making us look like half-breed albinos.

I hurriedly dusted my hair and face hoping to get all the dust out before I reached where I was going.


When I got to the lab I was directed to where I would drop my ‘cargo’. The lab scientist laughed when he received the vial.



‘Sir, we only needed a small sample, not this much!’



‘Well…at least you have more than enough to work with.’ I said, appalled at the idea of discussing the ratio or measurement of a 1 year old’s shit.



As I was about to leave, one of his colleagues brought something to my notice.



‘Bros, clean your face there’s dust…’



‘Na the road oh!’ I broke in before he could continue and before they mistook it for a woman’s ‘pancake’.



When it was time for me to go back, I steered clear of all the Okadas and judiciously waited for a bus. At least I would be covered and concealed in a bus. It took some time but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t ready to undergo another torture or extreme dirty makeover by that dusty road.


So how do I end this story?


Yeah, I guess I learned a lesson - never ride on a bike in clean clothes on a dusty and untarred road.

I should have thought of that!

5 Nigerian Sensations on making waves on Youtube

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This sounds like a corny title but hey, who knows? It might make a whole lot of sense eventually. I really hope it does. I alos hope its a kind of post worth writing.

There’s a question that I’m sure many people would not be able to answer quite well if asked.


And this is the question -What’s the easiest way to become popular?

If you’re not thinking of the internet then you’re wrong. Many have proven that this phenomenon we call the world wide web has the potential to turn nobodies into somebody.

Kat Stacks became popular for getting into flings with celebrities and exposing their secrets on the internet.

Star Wars kid became somewhat popular after the video of a fat teenager swinging a golf ball retriever as a lightsaber appeared on the internet. It ended up having parodied versions.



I could go on but that’s not why I’m making this post. I was eager to find out if Nigerians had made such an impact online creating videos that became either memes or phenomena on the internet.

Here are the ones I found.


Brother Franklin



A series of videos of a charismatic Nigerian man dancing vigorously during offering time in a church became a sensation on the internet, the most popular being the one above which had over a million views on Youtube. It became popular enough to become a reference point and with time different versions or parodies done by ‘fans’ or those who saw it appeared on Youtube.



Patrick Obahiagbon



This Nigerian politician became popular not because he had some unique policy that would make Naija a better place but rather because of his HEAVY GRAMMAR. There’s usually not much amusing material about Nigerian politicians that one could post on the internet (unless it’s a video of a fight between senators at the house of reps or senate) but Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon has stuff alright. The politician speaks a heavy compilation of grammar that defies logical understanding and leaves you somewhat confused – and he has so much confidence doing it; grammar that makes Pastor Chris Okotie’s elocutions look like peanuts.

Just ‘Youtube’ his name and you’ll find enough material to certify him. Even a spoof or more are available.



Nigerian kids invent new dance



This video actually came from a footage from the documentary ‘Welcome to Lagos’. It features two young Nigerian boys, a fat one and a skinny one doing some funny Naija dance somewhere in Idumota, Lagos. When the documentary came out with its trailer, it showed this clip played to the tune of Terry the Rapman’s ‘I am a Nigerian’.

Now the dance was hilarious, the boys looked like live cartoons prancing before an audience and contorting their faces. The video had over a million views; response videos appeared as a result and spoofs appeared on Youtube. There was one particular spoof where two bare-chested white boys tried to imitate the dance and looked very ridiculous.



Naija Boyz



There’s really nothing much to putting up your music video on Youtube if you’re just an artiste that’s promoting your music. But when you’re a couple of music comedians who spoof music videos and do hilarious remixes then you are someone to watch out for.

This is the case of a duo known as Naija Boyz who are not just another group that’s seeking fame by promoting videos on Youtube. These dudes are actually into the business of spoofing Naija videos and doing African remixes of foreign videos and they do a good job of it.

They’ve become so known on the internet, Nigerians around the world who watch their videos clamor for the next one they would release.

The latest video they made was done to commemorate Nigeria’s 50th independence anniversary. It was a remix of Dagrin’s ‘Ponponpon’ which featured the late rapper in a cut added to it. As usual, they didn’t disappoint with the crazy hilarious material added to it.

These guys are so good, they’ve got people faking them!





Omo Funky



Nigerians are getting into the cartoon thingy with apt seriousness. Omo Funky is a classic 44 seconds animation by Euphorya productions that not only got high response but also made its way to air on Silverbird Television, a Nigerian TV Station. How about that? An animation that made its debut on the internet and appeared on TV eventually. It became more popular in Nigeria after appearing on TV. It’s memorable mostly for the joke it tells of a ‘yankee wannabe’ who stopped denying his heritage after being faced with ‘the bitter truth’.




That’s all I have for now. I’ll keep a lookout for more and if you’ve come across any, do let me know so I can check it out.



Have a nice week!

Nigerian News Spoof - funny

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, November 18, 2010

Forgive me all for the long break and absence. You know how things are once you begin to approach the end of the year here in Naija; most especially when you work in an industry like mine.

Lately, I've been trying to decide which of the stuff I've come up with presently to upload on the blog this month. I hate it when I go on a hiatus by acciedent and leave my blogosphere hanging, even about 5 of my Chronicle X stories are still in the cooler, awaiting final draft before I feature it either here or on Naija Stories.

In the meantime before I load the next entry which I'm doing on '5 popular naija internet sensations' (It may increase to more than 5 if I end up discovering more. However, suggestions on some I could look into are welcome. I love the research), you can enjoy this hilarious yet not too definite spoof of Nigerian News I found on youtube.

Fooling Ourselves Over the Truth

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 28, 2010

I was watching a TV program on one of our local stations in Nigeria titled 'Views and Tunes' - a program that accesses artistes and music videos by their lyrics, message, beat sequence, video creativity and impact, and gives them ratings. Those who judged were just a cross section of the public at random met on the streets and in the society by reporters who presented the case.  I was watching an episode one day over a particular ariste's video and was surprised when it came to accessing the lyrics of his song and about 85% of the accessors didn't think checking out the lyrics mattered; that as long as the beat was tight it was okay.





The accessment of the music video did not end there. When it came to the 'message' of the song the accessors started saying the song's message was 'this' and 'that', yada yada yada.... Please tell me how on earth you got the message when you didn't give a hoot about the lyrics? Besides, everyone of the accessors just concoted some mumbo jumbo of what they thought about the message of the music.


And to be honest, the lyrics of the song actually had no message. One dude did however try to psychoanalyze it and did a good job. I guess he was just good and creating something out of nothing. But when the artiste himself explained what the music was about, I had to conclude he just made music because he wanted to be heard singing; there was no message in the song.

 
That set my thoughts racing over an observation I've been trying to fathom over time - people love being ignorant!
They like the idea of just knowing some harsh truths. And I wonder...if ignorance is bliss for most people then God disagrees because he states it in Hosea 4:6:  'My people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge...' Sadly, common human beings seem to disagree with God. Lack of knowledge is a bad thing, and there are many things around us to prove it.

I digress a bit to another sudden observation. How many of you are fans of Kanye West? I'm not but please take a look at this video and tell me what you think. I would have given an introductory expose but I'll just let you form your own opinions. You might want to reject this bit of information but I'll pleade with you to just take a look. Watch this shocking videos (especially the 2nd one) and let me know what you think.








Hmm...maybe someone should tell M.I. to stop trying to be a Nigerian Kanye West. Or is only me that noticed he's leaning towards a Kanye West style, look and mannerisms? Does he know what that hand sign really stands for?

I leave it all to your guess. I would have said a lot more but not everybody actually wants to hear the truth!

Pictures Courtesy
http://www.people.com/

http://www.jaguda.com/

Hustling to make sense - Nollywood Hustlers movie

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 14, 2010

Two things actually drew me to check out this Nigerian movie – its poster and Nollywood Forever’s review.

First, the way the poster was designed caught my attention. It’s not as if there was anything way special about it but the placement of the characters and the use of the funny font type was enough to say one thing loud and clear – this is supposedly a funny movie. Sorry I couldn’t get a picture of the actual poster (which is better) but here’s the VCD jacket cover version.

Now, I know there are other versions of the movie poster but not all of them seemed to give the same impression as this one did. The next poster below still managed to look comedic too. I guess it’s the font that seems to be helping mostly.

This next poster below was a disappointment however because it featured a shot of the ‘late’ World Trade Centre in the background! Haba! Does someone think people are too dumb to notice?

Hmm…maybe I’ll start doing an analysis of Nigerian movie posters like the guys on whofartedphotos do with Hollywood movie posters.



Anyway, after reading Nollywood Forever’s review on ‘Nollywood Hustlers’, I was eager to check out Uche Jombo’s performance as a razz character. I must say I was not disappointed but I found out that hers was not the only performance that seemed to hold the movie for me. There was this particular character called ‘Lucky’, the shorter of the two hustlers. Just looking at this guy’s face cracks me up. And the manner in which he delivers his lines are hilarious. If you took the characters of Lucky (Ime Bishop Umoh), Schola (Uche Jombo) and Paulina (Susan Peters) out of the movie, then you’ve got nothing funny to watch. Ejike Asiegbu’s character of ‘Prince’ was also impressive though he had a supporting role; he brought out the razzness of a typical uneducated Igbo businessman.

Razz Paulina (Susan Peters) and Schola (Uche Jombo) try to steal some show at a red carpet event

The whole story of the movie surround two characters, Elvis and Lucky (Charles Inojie and Ime Bishop Umoh) who think the next best way to make money is by shooting a movie; the inspiration coming from Elvis having the dream of tangoing with movie star, Monalisa Chinda. They convince a businessman (Ejike Asiegbu) whom Lucky knows, to fund their project. In the long run, they spend the money enjoying themselves and promising chicks who came to their audition and ended up going out with them that they would make them stars. But they have a problem. How do they get Ramsey Noah and Monalisa Chinda to star in their movie with the little money left? Sounds like a dilemma that requires you to be in comedic suspense of how they would pull it through, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, our suspense gets suspended and replaced with utter disappointment. And what is it with all those prolonged and boring scenes at the beginning?

Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) in his element.

On the other hand, I think Ime Bishop Umoh is a discovery. This dude is funny in the manner of John Okafor and Nkem Owoh who are known for acting roles of stupid characters. But Umoh’s joker would be that crazy look he gives that borders on the edge of a stupid attempt to be seductive yet serious (lol, sorry but that’s how I could describe it). I found myself waiting expectantly for his own delivery in each scene of the movie; the guy has a gentle and naïve way of saying silly stuff that cracks you the hell up.

Lucky making an ass out of himself before Monalisa Chinda and her P.A.

Check him out at the auditioning he was conducting with Elvis where an older woman shows up and he annoying retorts;

‘By the way who even told you that we are auditioning for ancestors?’

Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) tries to mingle with real celebrities at a red carpet event (funny scene!)

Or the bar scene where he’s talking with one of the girls that came for audition and he asks her to be his girlfriend and the girl says she wants to be a star and not just a girlfriend. Lucky angrily tells her to go to blazes informing her that doesn’t she know she has to ‘girlfriend’ her way to the top?


Just as Nollywood Forever put it, I discovered that the movie had a heavy major casting with cameo appearances from other celebrities as themselves (the first of its kind I’m seeing in a Nollywood movie) but sadly I don’t think enough justice was done to the script (If there ever really was one). As I was watching, ideas began to pop into my head on how the story could have fared better. The story could have had a more interesting ending than it did.





Schola (Uche Jombo) now a celebrity is recieving beauty treatment while her P.A. recieves call from Paulina. 

Schola’s finale where she received a call (after becoming a celebrity) from her former friend and betrayer, Paulina who wanted a piece of the action was hilarious – the exchange between Schola and her P.A who was answering the call and Paulina’s angry retort at being denied the opportunity (with that funny sound effect) seemed to cover up for the poor attempt to end the story.


For a proper review of the movie, you can check it out on Nollywood Forever’s site.