How Men & Women Select The Undies

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, July 09, 2013

We all make decisions everyday, especially after taking that shower and bath and you're about to get dressed. The decision making doesn't only start from deciding what dress to wear but also what underwear to put on as well. It actually never crossed my mind until I came across this hilarious yet true chart from Csection Comics on how both men and women make decisions on what underwear to wear for the day.

Check it out and let's know what you think.

I have never imagined that I'd see this someday online...and its the bitter and funny truth. Yes! I have a couple of boxers with holes in them. I'm too emotionally attached to them to let go...lol!

Anyone else out there guilty as charged?

Images courtesy

www.mountainhomenews.com

www.nextmodelmen.typepad.com

Cartoon Chart Courtesy

www.csectioncomics.com

Amazing Baby Swimmer [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, July 05, 2013

I've come to learn some amazing things about Babies...amazing stuff like their cries prompt their Mother's breast to start lactating milk, their bones are structured intricately to accommodate their passage through their Mother's birth canal into the world - like the skull being collapsible for the squeezing through during birth.

The most amazing thing for me is the ability of babies to swim in water without help and with ease. This is due to the fact that they lived in a similar manner in the womb surrounded by water (the one that breaks before delivery). Babies find it easy to respire inside water or control their breathing.

Thus its not a bad idea to introduce your child to swimming at an early age. I wanted so much to introduce my kids to this but Wifey happened to be just too traditional and didn't want any of it. I'm an avid lover of swimming and would have loved my kids to have followed suit. I'm sure they'd probably end up like this amazing baby girl in this video; she swims with ease and without assistance. I can't even determine what kind of swim stroke she's using. She just wades through the water kicking her chubby legs and synchronizing with the water. And she does a smooth job of even holding her breath for so long! You'd think she was specially taught but that's not really the case - she was just introduced to swimming very early.

Its just amazing watching her swim and she even seems to know when to pop up her head once she reaches the edge of the pool. You could even hear the parent in the background expressing his surprise at how deftly she moved across the pool while holding her breath. This is a pointer that the baby wasn't taught but re-acquired the skill once she came in contact with the water,

When a Woman Flirts - The Facts.

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, July 03, 2013

How many times has any guy made an assumption that a certain lady might be into him because of some certain body language she seems to be passing across? At times he could be right but most times guys get the message wrong simply because they were not observant enough or were just plain impatient. We need to understand that women are not wired the same way we are so we have to bide the time. Women don't do a lot of things we men assume they do, or do a lot of things men are not aware of. So I came across this is rather interesting info-graphic I found online. It makes a lot of sense which I'm sure science would have all manner of explanations for. Take a critical look-see and lets hear what you think about this funny research on the signs of a flirting woman.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Source

Sounds true somehow...but I realize its what I've seen women in the western world exhibit.

As for Nigerian woman over here...does this apply at all?

How to Stop That Annoying Itch of a Mosquito Bite

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Besides the fear of getting infected with a malaria parasite, the other annoying aspect of a mosquito is the itchiness of its bite. When this happens, one is usually forced to scratch the living daylights out of the itch till it peels and becomes a sore.

Well some smart alec seems to have found a solution on a Reddit post where the info states that by putting a hot spoon on the itchy area, you destroy the protein responsible for the allergic reaction. This was confirmed by other commenters on the topic. One of them further states that this is true for most itchy allergic reactions. He states a case where he had to soak a cloth in hot water to press against an itchy eye from an allergic reaction.

Surprisingly I happen to have accidentally tried this and it worked - I happened to have this itch and I pressed it against a mug of hot beverage and it ceased. I can now officially see it as a remedy.





Image courtesy
www.how-to-draw-funny-cartoons.com

Strange Reptile Trying to Break into House

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, June 29, 2013

And just as I posted an entry a couple of days back on a Python that opens doors, I come across this photo from 411vibes.com. It shows a snake trying to force its way into a building.

The story is that it was 'sent' to attack someone by wicked family members wanting revenge.

There's actually nothing to prove the authenticity of that story or where it really came from although it was claimed to have been taken in Nigeria. The surroundings do look like an African environment but nothing still proves its Nigerian.

Still, the image of the reptile trying to reach through the door is really creepy.

Miami & Victoria Island: A Tale of Two Doomed Cities?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, June 27, 2013

Miami

I came across this article on a forecast by scientists on the future of Miami at the end of the century. It’s a future that reads like a apocalyptic scenario unfolding. According to scientists, Miami is doomed due to the land’s flat topography and porous rocks which make it susceptible to rising sea levels. Its reported that with just three feet rise in sea level, more than a third of South Florida would vanish.

I looked at the cityscape of Florida and how it sat at the edge of the sea and shivered as it reminded me of a similar looking topography in Nigeria – Victoria Island.

A few years back, Victoria Island experienced ocean surges that washed past the famous Bar Beach and washed onto the streets. Alarm was raised and engineers were hired to construct protective blockades against the ocean’s raging surge.

But would the Island still be that secure by the end of the decade?

Victoria Island

Despite this there’s a lot of land filling going on along the coasts creating more land space for more buildings to spring up. I’ve seen how terrible flooding takes place in places like Lekki which is predominantly land filled space. I wonder what it will look like in the next ten years.

The famous Eko Atlantic project which involves massive land filling at the banks of the sea to create space for a super mega city even scares me the most. It looks too much like a major disaster waiting to happen.  With the flooding disasters of the last two years, the whole project doesn’t seem the least bit safe in any way.

What's left of V.I's Bar Beach today.

Proposed Eko Atlantic City

Jeff Goodell, an environment writer wrote this chilling bit about Miami in the Rolling Stones Online Magazine:

When it rains in Miami, it’s spooky. Blue sky vanishes and suddenly water is everywhere, pooling in streets, flooding parking lots, turning intersections into submarine crossings. Even for a nonbeliever like me, it feels biblical, as if God were punishing the good citizens of Miami Beach for spending too much time on the dance floor. At Alton Road and 10th Street, we watched a woman in a Toyota stall at a traffic light as water rose up to the doors. A man waded out to help her, water up to his knees. This flooding has gotten worse with each passing year, happening not only after torrential rainstorms but during high tides, too, when rising sea water backs up through the city’s antiquated drainage system.

Wanless, 71, who drives an SUV that is littered with research equipment, notebooks and mud, shook his head with pity. “This is what global warming looks like,” he explained. “If you live in South Florida and you’re not building a boat, you’re not facing reality.”

Goodell’s description is very similar to the scenarios experienced on the streets of Victoria Island. We saw how the terrible floods of last year made people resort to the use of boats as cars submerged and homes got flooded. It was a harrowing experience.

And it has been reported that more heavy rains and floods are to be expected.

Still, more landfill projects keep springing up, big investments go into real estate in these seeming endangered areas.  Must we end up learning from a disastrous experience when we could prevent it?

How long will we close our eyes and court with this danger?

Huge Snake That Can Open Doors [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 25, 2013

This is one creepy feat.

It’s like a scene out of a horror flick.

A Python that can open doors?

This short clip was taken by the snake’s owner Jenner Miemietz in her apartment and was uploaded online and gone viral since 3 years ago.

The 16 foot Burmese albino Python named ‘Julius’ was trained by Miemietz to open doors, drain the bath, turn a closet handle and open the trash. 

It opens doors using its body weight. I wonder how she got it to do that.

Pythons have been known to eat deer, pigs, primates and alligators. Surprisingly, they can be house-trained. Miemietz did one good job with this one.

Julius the Python however has passed away since last year due to an infection.

Timi Got Scribbling Skills

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Yep. I was surprised. She won an award badge for the best handwriting in class. I guess all that wanting to scribble something somewhere paid off; you can see evidences of Timi's graphiti skills on our walls, the deep freezer, on some of my books, on tissue rolls...

I usually get pissed at her scribblings all over the place. I guess it was a cool handwriting on its way to become a reality...lol! Congrats to my baby girl.

                               

'Nyansh' Contest Between Omotola & Toolz [Photo + Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 25, 2013

There seems to be a brewing controversy over who got the biggest 'Nyansh' between Toolz, the on air personalty and show host of 'The Juice' on Ndani TV, and Omotola Jalade Ekeinde, the Nollywood movie star. 

Okay, the question would be 'wetin concern me with another woman's buttocks?' but I just had to laugh at this comedic naughty piece. I guess its a prelude to something happening later on Ndani TV. 

It showcases Omotola as the Queen in a castle checking out her magical mirror for the 'biggest Nyansh of dem all'....okay I'm spoiling it. See it yourself.

Na wah oh...so who get the biggest Nyansh of dem all? Oh...I know...my WIFE! 

Tee hee!

The Mystery of the Spinning Ancient Statue

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, June 24, 2013

An ancient Egyptian statue in a British museum has sparked debate after it was captured on video seemingly rotating on its own.

The 10-inch tall statue of Neb-senu has been on display at the Manchester Museum in Manchester, England, for 80 years but it was only recently that museum staff noticed the statue moving.

“Most Egyptologists are not superstitious people. I wondered who had changed the object’s position without telling me,” the museum’s curator, Campbell Price, told the U.K.’s Sun.  “But the next time I looked, it was facing in another direction–and a day later had yet another orientation.”

With his curiosity piqued, Price returned the statue of the Egyptian idol to its original position in a locked glass case and set up a camera to film the statue over an 11-hour period.  The resulting time-lapse video, Price says, shows the statue moving on its own.

Other experts attribute the rotation to a more scientific reasoning, such as subtle vibrations that cause the statue to move.

“The statue only seems to spin during the day when people are in the museum,” Carol Redmount, associate professor of Egyptian archeology at the University of California, Berkeley, told ABC News.  “It could have something to do with its individual placement and the individual character of the statue.”
The statue, made from serpentine, shows what is likely an official with “priestly duties,” according to Price, wearing a shoulder-length wig and knee-length kilt.

The hieroglyphs on the back of the statue spell out, “bread, beer and beef,” a “prayer for offerings for the spirit of the man,” Price told the Sun.An ancient Egyptian statue in a British museum has sparked debate after it was captured on video seemingly rotating on its own.

The 10-inch tall statue of Neb-senu has been on display at the Manchester Museum in Manchester, England, for 80 years but it was only recently that museum staff noticed the statue moving.
“Most Egyptologists are not superstitious people. I wondered who had changed the object’s position without telling me,” the museum’s curator, Campbell Price, told the U.K.’s Sun.  “But the next time I looked, it was facing in another direction–and a day later had yet another orientation.”

With his curiosity piqued, Price returned the statue of the Egyptian idol to its original position in a locked glass case and set up a camera to film the statue over an 11-hour period.  The resulting time-lapse video, Price says, shows the statue moving on its own.

Other experts attribute the rotation to a more scientific reasoning, such as subtle vibrations that cause the statue to move.

“The statue only seems to spin during the day when people are in the museum,” Carol Redmount, associate professor of Egyptian archeology at the University of California, Berkeley, told ABC News.  “It could have something to do with its individual placement and the individual character of the statue.”
The statue, made from serpentine, shows what is likely an official with “priestly duties,” according to Price, wearing a shoulder-length wig and knee-length kilt.

The hieroglyphs on the back of the statue spell out, “bread, beer and beef,” a “prayer for offerings for the spirit of the man,” Price told the Sun.

Source

My own question to this would be - If the spinning of the statue was caused by subtle vibrations over time, why was it only this particular statue that was affected? Why didn't the other statues spin as well?

Scientists and their funny theories.

Let's not push aside the fact that some naughty familiar spirit could be involved...

What do you think from the video?

Adventure into Shocking Onitsha Sex Market

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, June 24, 2013

Today the internet has become the world wide hub of exposing the unexposables; it defies the definition of privacy as it offers limitless opportunities to air dirty laundry not only locally but globally. With the flourishing growth of social networks like Twitter, self-styled nude photos and personal sex videos litter the information highway like an environment that would never see the sanitation of modesty show up to make corrections. Yes, we are definitely in the end times as society as gone full-ballistic in rotteness.

If you ever thought the internet is where the rottenness of moral decay and celebration of immorality enjoy wanton displays, you need to hear the story of the prostitute commune near Oba junction on the route to Nnewi along the Onitsha-Owerri expressway. 

In my own years of living in eastern Nigeria, I've notice in alarm how the population of women outnumber that of men; many families who are struggling to survive tend to have more females than males. It is no surprise then that prostitution would thrive in such locations. 

In my personal experience as a youth corper serving in Imo State, I always had to escape falling into being entrapped by the women. To make matters worse, women from these parts are usually beautiful and groomed to look stunning in their local way. In the village where I served, pretty damsels littered the community, giving me the eye in attempt to send the 'I'm available' message anytime I was passing by. The things I witnessed among female students in the school where I taught shocked me. 

That's another story for another day.

Back to Oba Junction, where trailers and trucks stop over on their long distance trips to relax. Reporters with the Sunday Sun recounted their experience on visiting this commune....

Oba junction near Onitsha, which leads to Nnewi, called ‘Japan of Africa’, along the Onitsha-Owerri expressway in Anambra State, is a mere stop-over relaxation spot for mainly drivers of heavy-duty trucks and trailers on long distance travels. This explains the concentration of makeshift shops and drinking joints competing for space on both sides of the road.

But behind the façade of eating and drinking, is a big séx market that would make the biblical people of Sodom and Gomorrah green with envy. Here, séx sells like hot bean cake. The shops serve dual purposes – the front serves as food and drink joints while the back serves as a brothels. Some of the female shop owners display only television sets for movies and offer their bodies for sale.

As Sunday Sun correspondent alighted from the car this cool evening, a lady in a tight red top barely concealing her breasts stood up from a plastic chair to welcome him and a colleague. Posing as the storeowner, the visitors looked forward to being invited to sit down and make their orders for the delicacies on display. But surprisingly, they soon discovered that her body was the product on sale.

Encounter with ‘merciless’ Mercy

In the conversation that ensued, the lady who introduced herself as Mercy from neighbouring Delta State, told her guests that she has ‘no mercy’ for men when it comes to séx because she could guarantee maximum satisfaction that could make the client beg for more. Shaking her breasts provocatively and rubbing her body on this correspondent, she said she was ready for the night’s business once the fee was settled.

Mercy assured that for N1000, her client was guaranteed maximum touching and sucking of breasts and the main treat. Pointing at the next shop, she said: “That is where I lodge. My room is the one behind the shop and you will like it when we enter. I can also take two of you at the same time.”

The guests soon disengaged themselves on the pretext that they wanted to take some drinks to enable them get in the mood. By this time, darkness had set in but the lights from passing vehicles, lanterns and electricity from few shops with generating sets provided visibility. Both sides of the road had been taken over by próstitutes in several shades and forms. Some stood by the cabin of the parked vehicles, for customers, others strolled along the road while some others stayed in front of the shops, beckoning on male passers-by.

The spectacle became more interesting and captivating at the main junction leading to Nnewi. Young girls between 13 and 18 years openly hawked their bodies on the main road. Some held their clients tight, kissing and wriggling their waists behind the parked vehicles. One of them who identified herself as Chiamaka from Obollo Afor, picked offence when the reporter asked her how business was going. She retorted: “I take exception to that statement. This is not business, it is rather a game. You can call it catching fun or playing games. It’s just like I play with you and you appreciate me for being a good player or a good dancer, that’s all. Please, don’t call it business.”

Chiamaka who would not be drawn into explaining why at her age, she came all the way from Obollo Afor in Enugu State for próstitution, said that on a very good day, she could take up to 20 men and that she collects a minimum of N500 for ‘short time’ service.

The Pregnant Próstitutes’ Corner

At a section of the séx market, Sunday Sun noticed several heavily pregnant prostitutes who despite their protruding bellies, are dressed in seductive wears competing for clients.

One of them, who introduced herself as Chy Chy, stated that some men prefer them to those not pregnant. The pregnant séx hawker, who later collected N400 from the reporter, said that she also belonged to the category of women who get high on séx while pregnant. Asked about what would become of her baby after delivery, she dropped another shocker when she said that the unborn baby was already penciled for sale.

“I enjoy séx only when I’m pregnant. If I’m not in this state, I only do it for the money but when I’m pregnant, I gain on both sides because you will pay me for my service and I will also get high when you touch me. There are men who look for our type and it suits us that way. As for my baby, what is your business about that? Well, if you must know, this is the third pregnancy and I sold the previous two for N80, 000 and N120, 000 respectively. Prospective buyers are already waiting for this one (touching her belly) and na so e go be”, she said.

Inside the hotel

Further checks by Sunday Sun reporter later revealed that the main próstitution dish is served in a hotel close to the junction.

The hotel (name witheld), it is a gateway to uncontrolled illicit séx and debauchery. With several semi-nude girls and boys high on marijuana milling around the entrance of the hotel, the first hint of what to expect, occurred inside a patent medicine store located near the gate of the hotel. It took the chemist owner about 20 minutes to attend to the reporter’s request for N20 worth of Vitamin C tablets because of a long queue of people buying séx-related items.

A young man jumped the queue and apparently borrowing slang from the lyrics of popular artist, Flavor, he told the chemist in Igbo: “Oga doc, biko nyem ifem na eri kam puo (Doctor, please give me what I eat, and let me move out of here).”

As he spoke, he stepped aside to puff on a wrap of Indian hemp in his hands. Later, the reporter asked the storeowner what he meant, and he pointed at a particular brand of latex cóndom that he described as the man’s favourite. Within minutes, the ladies and men on queue bought several kinds of condóms, energizer tablets and different types of aphrodisiacs and moved into the hotel where a bevy of women and men in high spirit, danced to another music track by Flavour, “Kpuchie, jayie”, booming from the giant speakers mounted in the open arena.

On the left side of the entrance, there was a circle of seductive women in different types of make-up, who displayed their perfumed bodies and bikinis barring all their body contours. Two of the hawkers rushed at the reporter and his colleague, giving them an unsolicited embrace, and introduced themselves as the queens of the lodge. One of them said: “Come and you will see a unique séxual style you’ve never seen before. We have Liberian girls, Ghanaian girls, Cotonou babes, Dubai girls, etc. As the visitors pretended to be scanning the rooms before making their choices, one of the girls declared: “I’m Isabella from Liberia, you will like my service.”

It was later gathered that a round of séx with a Liberian attracts N7000, Ghanaians go for N4000 while it costs N2500 to have it with a Nigerian.

Reacting to our reporter’s feigned protest of the high cost of séx in the brothel, a young man who sat in a corner of the hall drinking and smoking said: “Don’t mind them. They looked at your fresh body and nice clothes and thought that you are loaded. That is how they make money from new comers. We are old in the game and I want to let you know that a round here is N500 but when you need all-night service, it’s N2500. There is no classification here because we are regular customers and we know them. Forget that they told you that they are from abroad; all of them are Igbo and Delta.”

As if the girls noticed that the newcomers had been inducted, Isabella who had introduced herself as a Liberian suddenly started speaking Igbo language as they settled down to a table.

In this hotel, wearing of pants is unofficially prohibited. All the prostitutes wore petty coats and tiny skirts in a sagging form showing their butts without pants. Smoking of marijuana both inside and outside the gate is also legalized. A woman sells fast foods like noodles garnished with tomato sauce inside the brothel while the resident barman doubles as the house DJ, supplying eardrum-threatening music. Two armed men on army camouflage who smoked and drank endlessly provide security to the hotel that has three sections, A, B and C, all streaming with clients for short time services.

Free wife for a guest

One of the hawkers suddenly tapped our reporter’s colleague, rested her head on his shoulder and addressed him as her husband. She was the only one wearing denim trouser that night, and she explained that she didn’t want to expose her legs. Suddenly, she stood up, unzipped her trousers unashamedly revealing her pubic hairs and announced that she was naked inside. She said she was a student in Port Harcourt but came to the hotel for brief business. The other lady that sat with Sunday Sun reporter and his colleague said that she could take N400 for ‘short time’ but in some cases, charge as high as N4000 for séx without condóm.

Source

Imagine! How many have put themselves to unnecessary danger in this sinful environment? Unfortunately, it all boils around a profession with ancient origins. The thought all the things going on in this place is freakishly scary. Some even go beyond getting paid for it. 

I keep wondering...with things like this still flourishing, will there ever be an end to taking it beyond the shores...that is, 'Italy runs'?

I've always known eastern men to be aggressive and desperate when it comes to business and making money. I guess this is a side to the desperation of this Onitsha sex market.

Creativity on Her Head

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, June 22, 2013

 I was surfing Facebook when I came across this lovely hair plait on facebook user Sonya Clark. I definitely wouldn't mind that on my little girl's head. Is there any hairdresser that can achieve the intricate plaits on Sonya's head? 

I have seen hairdos and hairdos in the years I have lived with a mother, a sister, numerous cousins, female friends, my wife and daughter, I have gotten to see all kinds of hair weaves or plaits. The ones that most interest me are the ones that have to do with plaiting or braiding as they tend to look more African than weave extensions.

Anybody with a lovelier pattern of plait? Send me a pix abeg, I would love to feature it on here.

Babies Born with Qurans - What do they mean?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, June 21, 2013

Over time this phenomenon has repeated itself and manifested in different places across the nation. Many have questioned its possibility and truth; the fact that it’s something unusual and cannot be rationalized. It is a phenomenon that many Muslims hold in awe and see as a glorious miracle from Allah.

I’m talking about the phenomenon of babies being born with Qurans, either in their hands or along with it.

Such incidents have been hailed as miracles rather than birth anomalies. The Qurans in most cases have always been small ones enough to pass through the diameter of the mother’s vagina yet it’s not something one can swallow without suffering dire consequences.

While it is no doubt a strange thing, I have always been bugged with questions – What actually makes this a miracle? What does it signify? What does it prove?

I don't have the answer. Anyone that does should please enlighten me.

A Herbal Medicine practitioner, Chief Dr. Bola Adegunloye was reported by PM news as saying that nothing is impossible but too much importance should not be placed on it.

Importance should not be placed on it? Hmm...okay.

Still....I wonder why.

  

The Things I Love About Being Nigerian (By Dike Chukwumerije)

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, June 20, 2013

I came across this funny and nostalgic piece online which takes every Nigerian back in the days and reflects on the funny things and crazy day to day events that have helped to groom and form almost every Nigerian. This of course would exclude those who never grew up in Naija; the experience could never be the same...except if you lived here for a while before travelling abroad with your family and your parents and freinds carried the 'traditions' over to the other side of the world.

Read on...

By Dike Chukwumerije

Sekibo, Adeyemi and Nwaogu

When Nkechi Nwaogu stands up to speak on the floor of the Senate, she always starts by saying, “My name is Nkechi Nwaogu, representing the good people of Abia Central Senatorial District…” Then she pauses and waits for the unfailing reply from her colleagues, “Haba! What about the bad people?” And Smart Adeyemi (nicknamed ‘Radical Solution’ by the Senate President) likes to pre-face his own comments with, “I rise on behalf of the people of Kogi West Senatorial District and, indeed, on behalf of the masses whom I personify in these chambers”. You will hear those sitting around him laugh out loud – Masses ke? With this your stomach? And Senator George Thompson Sekibo likes to add “J.P” (Justice of the Peace) to the end of his name; and when he does someone always shouts, “Juju Priest”, right after that acronym. Ah! It is true that I’m praying the Nigerian government grows more competent with time, but – please – may we keep this our humorous ways of going about the business.

And the way we handle our children too. “If I catch you…!” “Before I count ten…!” “If you allow me to get up from this place…!” We are not afraid to threaten them with the most imaginative acts of violence, even in public. “You? I will soon break that your coconut head!” “Eh? You this boy, if I slap you, your face will face back!” And if they do not feel sufficiently threatened, we reach for ‘Pepperoni’, ‘Thunder Balogun’, ‘One-Blow-Seven-Akpus’ – a.k.a the family KOBOKO, by whatever name called. Once, my dad leaped down a flight of stairs in hot pursuit of my sister. It was the funniest thing I ever saw. She ran, shrieking, out of the house and down the road till she got to the petrol station at the Junction. Honestly, I’m really happy I have that memory. 

So, I was walking down the road the other day and bumped into an old school mate. She shouted (literally), “My God! You’re so fat now!” I laughed, of course, and told her, “You too! In fact, you’re like double your size!” Now, I know things are beginning to change because her face fell slightly; those imported images of beauty are beginning to register. But, for what it’s worth, I love our old-fashioned political ‘incorrectness’.

The way people still cross themselves and gasp out, “Blood of Jesus!” if they hear that you’re gay. We are not very good at hiding our ‘mouth’. So, someone could just walk up to you and ask, “Excuse me o, sorry o, but where are you from?” How old are you? Which church do you go to? What is your tribe? But (voice dripping with concern) why are you not married? Very little grasp of the concept of personal space. And it used to be that we had few qualms about sharing that space as well. But, like I said, these things are beginning to change.

And I love some of the people I’ve been blessed to share this nationality with. I still think Jay-Jay is the most entertaining footballer ever; and that it’s very rare to find an artist with the talent of Fela anywhere in the world. But, forget celebrity, I grew up in Lagos and the energy on the streets was, and still is, infectious. (It’s really sad that it’s so dangerous as well, because if there wasn’t, we could really enjoy this carnival of creativity.) People don’t sit down waiting for fate; they hunt it down in the most ingenious ways. This is a country where a woman who’s never gone to school, sends all her children to university, selling pepper. It’s just the way we hustle. I was at Uni with a Fulani – he went to classes during the day and drove his cattle in the evening. What about the countless who start and re-start businesses every day, refusing to give up? My brother, Chaka, selling sand to augment his ‘allowee’ as a Corper? Or Chika, who followed his dream all the way to the Olympics? Every time I walk through a mechanic village, or a street market, look out my window at another ‘shanty town’, homes knocked together by raw determination, I marvel at this our roiling, restless spirit.

View from the top of Olumo Rock, Abeokuta, Ogun State.

And the land…Ah! It’s a real pity that it’s gotten so treacherous to travel through it. But I’ve done some epic journeys in my time - had camel meat for the first (and only) time in Maiduguri, and danced ‘Awilo’ (like an amateur) in Gwagwalada; travelled to Jos to ask a ‘babe’ out, she said no, so I travelled back home; spent Christmas in Gboko and a week in Kaduna; and went to Abeokuta just to climb to the top of Olumo Rock; on a boat in Abraka; in a fight in Bauchi; and fell in love (again) with a ‘babe’ in Kano; passed though Ilorin; a wedding in Ado-Ekiti; and, once, because it had gotten too dark, we parked at Ninth Mile and slept in the back of a truck. 

But there are still things I would love to see. Zik took the boat from Onitsha to Lagos in 1915. It took him two days in open seas. And some of Ahmadu Bello’s classmates at Katsina College did the journey from Yola on foot. And when Martin S. Kirsch, a young British colonial administrator, first landed in Nigeria in 1908, he berthed at Forcados, caught a river-boat at Burutu to Lokoja, then he got on a steamer and then a train to Zungeru; and from Zungeru he walked to Sokoto. True, if I could, I would walk in all those steps; see it all - from the deep blue sea to the silent desert, the broken hills overlooking verdant valleys. To me, our most precious resource is not beneath the ground; it is all around us, in the sunrise and sunset, and the cocky seasons swaggering between thunderstorms and harmattan haze. Nobody told me; I’ve seen it for myself - this is a beautiful country.

So, whenever I am away, I am haunted by images of her; and it makes my heart bleed. IF only we could get our act together; show real promise of turning the corner; produce a class of leaders committed, not to self-enrichment, or to the empowerment of the ethno-regional/religious groups they belong to, but to helping this country realize her full potential; IF only we could put down and maintain basic infrastructure and public services; then, I tell you, honestly, no London or New York, no Dubai or Hong Kong could ever compare to standing here, on this black earth, in my Ankara shorts and faded singlet, looking up at our crystal clear stars. For THIS, indeed, is a beautiful place.

Dike Chukwumerije is a writer and poet. He also run a blog. Click here to visit.

An Insane Fan's Scary Tweet

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, June 19, 2013

As long as there's the internet, weird things will never cease to happen. While some may get creative with up smart ideas that would revolutionize things others are getting wild with crazy or scandalous with amusing antics on the internet.

Twitter is one platform that has gathered huge following and recognition. It has had its share of successes stories from users as well as tragedies. Its become a hub for quick info on trends and scandals (some which are accidental others deliberately concocted).

Earlier this January, an online celebrity Freddie E, uploaded painful tweets before committing suicide. It spread like wildfire and showed how effective and powerful the medium was. So its not surprising that fans would utilize it to hit on celebrities.

A fan of rapper J.Cole, out of desperation to get re-tweeted by the celebrity uploaded a tweet with a photo of him pointing a gun at his younger sister threatening to shoot his sister if J.Cole does not re-tweet him.

The carzy fan tweeted;  “@JColeNC retweet me and I’ll buy Born Sinner. Don’t retweet me and I’ll kill my lil sister.”

'Born Sinner' (what a title!) referred to Cole's new album. The rapper did not hesistate to retweet the fan's message.

Whether the gun was real or not cannot be determined and there's no way to locate the creepy fan behind the message as its done under an alias.The account however claims to be out of Saudi Arabia — but the truth is it could be anywhere in the world.

No police investigation could commence as there was no way of reporting the incident which could not be determined whether its real or fake.

J. Cole commented about the incident, saying … “Wildest s**t I ever seen on twitter.”    

True. Because there's a bunch of wild and crazy people out there behind computers.

A Father's Pain - Accused of using missing daughter for rituals

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Samuel Eleng, father of little Praise who was kidnapped and rescued two years after shared details on the incidents that happened surrounding his daughter's disappearance and return in an interview with The Nation. He was even suspected by neighbours to have used his child for rituals. Below is an excerpt of the harrowing and touching pains he had to face after his daughter's disappearance:

The Bishop always came to visit us, asking how we were. I always told him we were fine. He kept proclaiming the same declarations that she would be found. And we held on to it. But as a man in the flesh, I was touched and started weeping and crying. One day, we said ‘ok, if that is the case, let’s make it public’ and we contacted AIT.

Mr. Eleng and his daughter, Praise.

We went there and she was on telecast and we continued our prayers. We still held on to God. Neighbours made comments and nicknames were given that I had used my child for rituals; that I had connived with the bishop and it is only me who know what has happened to my child. Whatsoever they said, I paid deaf ears to it. But my sure assurance was that brethren gathered in the presence of God. I never attempted to go anywhere else.

My bishop gave an instruction at the Church Secretariat, up to the secretary on the last floor – that if I came to the office, nobody must say that he was not around. He said anytime I came, they should take me up and he would be comforting me with the word of God and that’s what I did. So, anytime I felt down, I would just come down to the church. My wife came with the little baby, that she wanted to see daddy.

I said, ‘daddy this is what they have said again concerning me’. He would then say, “Samuel kneel down” and I would go on my knees and he would embrace me and say, “I transfer my peace to you” So, that was how it went on. It was his peace that was sustaining me.

After the 2011 incident, I was here for Shiloh 2012. When it got to the police, the way and manner people were handling it was not to my comfort.

When we went to the police, they said they wanted to take the case to court but I said no, I said ‘how can I stand in court against my father?’ So, that was how I didn’t show up in court.

Some members of the church went there and they called me to come but I refused. Because there was no way I was going to stand against my father, Bishop David Oyedepo, in court. I said, “God, if you cannot do it, just leave it; but there is one thing I assure you of, I will never go another way.’

I left the church for a while and didn’t attend any church. I locked myself inside the house and would always place my baby’s picture inside my Bible and cry unto God.

It became a thing of friendship between me and God. God started assuring me, “Samuel, your baby will come back!” I never met with the Bishop again. I consulted no pastor again.

My wife and I prayed in the mid-night hours, naked before God, crying unto heaven. I would weep all night and when it was daybreak, I would be the happiest man, going about my business, as usual.

My baby, Glory, would comfort me, saying, ‘daddy don’t cry, I saw Jesus carrying Praise on His shoulders’. My wife said she wanted to be pregnant again in order to find comfort. So, she got pregnant.

What really broke the head of the devil is where I am going now. When my wife was pregnant, we went to the Redemption Camp frequently to pray until the day of delivery.

On December 27, 2012, my wife went to the hospital for delivery at about 7.p.m. I was on my way to the hospital when I heard a voice, “Samuel, shut your mouth. Whether you pray or you don’t pray, the way and manner this child will be delivered, that is the way your baby, Praise, will come back.’ I looked around me but saw nobody.

I went to the hospital and was eager to see how the miracle was going to happen. I saw my wife and I said, “How do you feel? Have they attended to you?” And she said no. She said there were other people in the delivery room. She said I should pray and I said “No. Let’s us not pray” having said that, I told her what the Lord had told me on my way to the hospital.

Behold, the baby in her womb pulled out without her entering into the delivery room. From that day on, I cast away worry. The Lord said to me, “Samuel, I have come to give you peace.” So the pain in me, the feeling of pain was erased from my heart.

Everywhere I went, I took my Bible, encouraging myself in the Lord. Three months after that, I started going to a nearby church. I kept waiting on the Lord to speak and I kept giving thanks everyday, especially in the midnight, with my little baby.

On June 12, I dressed my daughter up for school and I put the food on the dining table. I asked her to come and eat. We usually pray together before eating and she prays this way: “Father, thank you for today. As we are about to eat, bring my sister, Praise, and let her come and join us in this table.”

That particular day, my daughter said, “Daddy, but we have been praying for Praise, where has Praise gone to?” I said to her, “Praise has travelled with mummy and she will soon come back”. I never knew that those words were words of prophecy.

The following day, I took her to school and two days went by and nothing happened. But on Saturday, June 15, I was in the shop and I received a call, “Are you the father of the twins?” I said, “Yes” and she said “I am Mrs. Adewale” I said, “from where?” She said she was from Obasanjo Farm Police Station. I asked her what she wanted and she said my baby had been found. I asked her whose baby because it was too shocking.

At first, I was scared, because I thought it was another plan of kidnap. I called the woman back and said, “This is me ma. The I. P. O. before was Mrs. Lawal , so why is it Mrs. Adewale that is calling me now? She said, “Lawal has been transferred.”

I then asked of the D. P. O. because I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth. She said it was another DPO that was there. I went to pick one of my brothers and two other men to accompany me to the station.

When I saw my baby at the entrance of the police station, I was shocked and amazed at the same time. I fell down and I collapsed and the police started carrying me up.

I thought I was no more because I didn’t imagine God doing this kind of thing. I know that I have followed God in sincerity of heart. I said “God can you do this thing?”

I turned to my daughter and carried her. When she saw me, she said she wanted to go and sleep. She no longer speaks English; it is Igbo language that she speaks now. I called her Praise and she said ‘Yes’ I said ‘I am your daddy’. She hugged me and kissed me.

The police men said, ‘If a miracle like this is happening, the whole of the station will be worshipping the God of Oyedepo.’ I bless the name of the Lord! God is awesome. I thought my waiting was in vain, but I have now seen the hand of God. I will serve God all the days of my life.

On The kidnapper

We were told that he came to confess to the Bishop and after the confession he became blind again and died. He is in the mortuary right now.

The police came to meet the Bishop here and that was where he was interrogated.

We heard that there was a syndicate; the person who stole the child, the person who bought her for N40, 000 and the last recipient in Enugu who bought her…

The person who took the child to sell is in the police custody and the person or people who bought the child are still in Enugu.

They have carried out medical tests on the child and the child is okay.

Blood is thicker than water. The Bishop gave us a car to go and pick her twin sister. When we got home, to my surprise, nobody told Praise to embrace her beloved sister. I asked her “am I your daddy? She said, “Yes” and she also spoke to her mother on the phone calling her “mummy”; she was so happy. Praise and her sister were playing and so they didn’t go to bed on time. Even while they were asleep, they crossed their hands together.

You can read the full story here