Underated Classics: The Mind-Blowing Humor of 'Senseless'

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, July 22, 2011

It was a Thursday evening (yesterday to be precise) and I was home back from work, seated on the bed viewing a movie on my laptop. Wifey was in the kitchen getting dinner ready, her Mum and younger brother were in the sitting room playing with Timi and watching a Yoruba movie (My mother-in-law has a passion for the genre).

A.Y. was in the room with me all cuddled up and fast asleep in his bassinet cot. I was using earphones to listen to the movie I was watching so that I don’t end up disturbing his sleep with the sound.

As the movie progressed, the funny bits in it began to happen but I couldn’t laugh out because I might wake the baby. So I stifled it and I’m sure I must have looked like a bloated animal with all the puffed up cheeks and mad tears falling through my eyes.

This movie was funny!

Eventually the movie reached a level where the hilarity was just too much. I got up from the bed and ran into the kitchen where Wifey was, sat down on a stool and burst into manic laughter!

Wifey looked at me as if I was high on crack. I told her it was the movie that was doing this to me.

And what movie was this?

You’ll be surprised to discover that it’s not even a new movie and that it's one I've actually watched before; it dates back as far as 1998 and didn’t seem to get much acclaim. Maybe it’s because the plot and storyline was a bit too predictable and sort of too loose, maybe it’s because it came out at a time other blockbusters like Titanic and The Wedding Singer were taking all the glory and stealing the people’s hearts.


I’m talking about the movie Senseless, which stars Marlon Wayans and David Spade.



Damon Wayans as Daryl Witherspoon

David Spade as Scott Thorpe

The storyline follows that of a Daryl Witherspoon (Wayans) who volunteers for a drug experiment in order to raise money to pay for his tuition and support his Mum and siblings. He hopes to be able to do more by winning an academic competition that would earn him a Wall Street job with a high profile company. However he has a contender, the spoilt, rich, proud and arrogant Scott Thorpe (Spade) who does is bent on wining the competition too.





Mathew Lillard as Tim, Daryl's roomate.

Brad Dourif as Dr. Wheedon, the doctor supervising the experiment.

Tamara Taylor as Janice, Daryl's love interest



Daryl has had to do all manner of odd jobs to keep his schooling going. Eventually he came across an Ad asking for volunteers for an experiment. He ended up being the only one left after others took off on hearing about possible side-effects. He had actually been dozing when it was read out so he never knew what he was in for.

Daryl gets overdosed

The drug in question was meant to enhance his five senses (sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch) beyond the ordinary. But he was warned to not exceed the daily dosage.
In desperation to exceed expectations or make a very good impression to the people that matter for approval for the Wall Street job, he took an overdose and suffered hilarious catastrophic consequences.

Lorraine (Kenya Moore) getting frisky with Daryl (Wayans)
...and then side effects show up

Daryl begs for a suit in a shop after getting totally robbed
of everything including his clothes, thanks to another side effect!

 Like I said earlier, the storyline was a bit weak and could have been better but what actually made you overlook that was Marlon Wayan’s performance.


The dude had me laughing like a jackass all over the place. Many of the scenes where he was on the desperate search to make some bucks were really funny but the scenes that followed his usage of the drug had me rolling off the bed and almost tearing my sides with laughter. Even in the process of writing this, I started laughing again as I remembered those scenes.

Wayans was the one that gave the movie life. And you know why I believe its not a bad movie to keep in your library? Because you can never get tired of watching Wayans make an ass out of himself all through the 93 minutes of the movie.

Daryl about to get into trouble making fun of Patrick Ewing (As himself)

If you never saw this movie back then, I guess it’s probably because Titanic and other blockbuster hits caught your attention.
And if you’re looking for something to make you go ROTFLMAO then go look for this movie, it’ll knock your rib cage in.

The movie starred other notable acts like Mathew Lillard (Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movies), Brad Dourif (the voice of Chucky in the Child’s play movies) and Rip Torn.



Here's a funny scene at the begining of the movie where Daryl tries to donate blood just to raise some bucks. Since you can't do it twice, he pretends to be a different person each time so he could drop more blood and get more money.







And here's another out of the many scenes that cracked me up and made me roll off the bed. It's the scene where Daryl uses his super senses to eavesdrop on a girl talk between his love interest, Janice and her friend.






The idea behind the story was good and it had a lot of potential but I felt it wasn’t explored properly. This could have been a very funny movie that would have spawned off sequels to allow for exploration of more interesting stuff surrounding the story’s idea unless…I’m talking to people without a sense of humor…



Oh…and please don’t mistake the 1998 Senseless for the 2008 Senseless. They are two different movies. While the former is comedy, the latter is a disturbing horror movie.




The Sick Horror   vs    The Comedy



Photo Tales - Timi & A.Y.

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, July 18, 2011

You know, one amazing thing about little children is the way they yak about in baby language, expressing themselves in a language adults struggle to understand. When Timi's in her element, she likes to gist; 70% of which I can't figure out what she's saying except for a few - like she says 'Eat!' when she's hungry, 'Wata' when she's thirsty and just points at anything she wants you to get for her. But surprisingly, she understands me and her Mum when we give her some simple instructions.

Then there are times when she's with her brother, Ayomide and she banters along with him in 'babynese' making me wonder what the heck they're yakking about. Well, my imagination got carried away and thus I imagined something like this transpiring between them.

(click each pic for larger view if its too small to read)

Lagos - Soaked like garri...And a Happy Birthday to Kimson!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, July 11, 2011

They always say it’s raining cats and dogs when we experience a heavy downpour. But with the unmerciful and massive rainfall that took place yesterday (Sunday) and today, I think it would make sense to say it rained cows and elephants.

For the first time in my life living through the rainy seasons in Lagos, I saw serious flooding. I saw cars submerge in water, houses being held hostage by rivers of rushing rain water; pedestrians no longer walking but swimming. In fact vehicles were being rendered useless and the best option would have been to use a canoe.

A message even circulated via blackberry was informing guys who were thinking of patronizing ‘take-aways’ not to look for them on a popular street as the flood had forced them to abandon the place for another location. Hmmm…even ‘ashawo business’ was affected by the flood.


Everybody has a crazy story to tell like this tweet I caught on another blogger's site:

And finally!

A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my main man KIMSON MASTERS!


Oh...in case you're wondering who he is, he's the artsy dude behind almost all the illustrations you find on my blog; especially the ones on The Chronicles X series. He's done a lot of stints with Nigerian comics, illustrated for storybooks and a lot more that has to do with design and colors. He's the one behind the drawing and animation of the Orobo cartoon we experimented with. We're currently working on a project together. I felt he deserved to be honored on my blog for the important part he's played on the chronicles and on the project we're working on.


Many Happy Returns Pal!!!



Photos courtesy:
www.411daily.com
www.Nationalmirroronline.com
www.allafrica.com
www.news1.ghananation.com
www.234next.com

Facebook Mischief 3

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, July 07, 2011



Now Trending in Naija - Bombs!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, June 27, 2011

I needed to do some important update on my bank account which had gone dormant due to patronage of another bank and had made my way to the bank when something that happened before me as I was about to enter sent my thoughts racing and on the egde.

The bank entrance was one of those cylindrical doors with automatic detectors which usually refused to open if you had the smallest bit of metal on you.


Usually, a security guard would hold all your detector triggering belongings (like your keys, phone, metallic pen etc.) for you to step into the cyclindrical door then hand then over to you before the door closed so you could proceed.


This dude in native with an Islamic cap in front of me steps into the cylinder door and the door refused to open while a recorded voice tells him to step out to be cleared. He hands over his phones and keys to the guard and steps in again. The door refuses to give way for him and he steps out again. This time he had nothing to drop before entering. The guard let him in again and this time the door gave way and he was able to go in.


I started thinking…Islamic dude…suicide bomber…Boko Haram…


I almost didn’t want to enter the bank!


Its amazing how all the news of bomb explosions happening in Naija can start messing with your head. I’m still trying to fathom it.


I mean…the thought of a suicide bomber in Naija is frigging scary. It means fundamentalism has moved up to a far more deadly level.

When did they suddenly start the new trend of blowing oneself to bits all in the name of hatred for civilisation? Before it used to be violent clashes, then it became kidnappings…now its bombings! And bombs are far more deadly that the first two criminally insane acts. You could still run when a violent clash is taking place somewhere, or be careful not to move in areas where kidnappings could take place or still get your life back if you ever get kidnapped.


But with bombs it’s different. There’s no way you can know when and where it’s going to explode so you have to watch out for every suspicious move. I saw an ad on TV some days ago telling people to report suspicious behavior or funny looking packages placed in odd places to the authorities.

There’s just enough reason to be scared in Naija today. If the Nigerian Police headquarters could be bombed like a piece of cake, then where is the security in this our precious country? They say they would investigate the matter like they always do and eventually we hear nothing more about it.

And one other thing bugs me; how come there are no security cameras in a place such as the Police headquarters? This would have been a big step if an investigation were to truly take place. I hope they start thinking of taking such step. It’s just a matter of time before panic begins to sweep across the nation.


This is why Nigeria needs prayers more than ever.


Because the only security I can say is sure….is that of God.



NB: A colleague got this embarrasing info that mocks our security in Naija on facebook below...

 

May I introduce the Dude that happened in April...?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, June 17, 2011

You know how I hate putting up posts without pictures...well here's a picture

that I had to put up and also add a post becauseI failed to load it up way back.

Meet Ayomide, Timi's new brother who arrived in April

lol...the little fella is still trying to get his color in check.

You know how Babies get all sensitive on their skins sometimes...

11 Reasons An Upcoming Nigerian Artiste May Never Make It

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, May 27, 2011

Over time, I have come to critically observe the contemporary Nigerian music industry and I’ve questioned the many factors that surround it. Eventually I was able to come to conclusions as to why this is like this and that is like that, and with my knowledge in the creative advertising and case studies was able to reach these conclusions as to why many newbies in the industry get it wrong.




Image: Kimson Masters for The Kush Chronicles


1. You steal beats from already famous hits for your debut.

Unless you’re already successful or you have well connected persons pushing you on the scene, try not to steal beats from already existing hits for your debut album. It doesn’t project you as an original. You’ll get to be seen as someone riding on the success of another artiste. Well…except you are able to make your song far more interesting than that of the original such that people hardly even notice the borrowed element.



2. You’re afraid to experiment with tunes, beats and lyrics.

If you’re not a daring artiste then you may be missing out on opportunities to come out with unique productions. Check out those who did it – Dbanj and Don Jazzy’s manner of fusions that set their music apart. Or check out Kas who sings in monotone and combines it with crazy beats. And if want an international example, explore the works of Robert Kelly (R.Kelly). What’s the result? You can see it all on the charts.



3. Your videos consist of you in sunshades and sexy girls dancing around you.

This has fast become a cliché in most music videos today. Just tune into any Nigerian TV station during lunch hour or in the late evenings today and you’ll discover that 80% of the music videos being played all look like this.

I’ve already talked about the sunshade issue in an earlier post. It hides your identity; it kills the perception of your facial representation as a brand (I hope I made sense with that). Let your face register as the REAL artiste with your audience. Nothing’s bad with wearing them, only don’t make it a brand thing. It makes you look like every other artiste.

And you singing all through the video with sexy girls dancing around you is overrated and only shows lack of creativity. In case you don’t know, your video strongly markets you as a brand; a perception of you is created in your video and when a video shows creativity, it becomes more memorable and gives people a reason to talk about it. When your song is not too good, you still have the opportunity to make an imapct if you’ve got a superb video.



4. Your videos also showcase you drinking alcohol, smoking and flashing cash and jewelry.

This does not tell the audience how cool you are because it only shows that you have low self esteem. Why would you flash all the cash to let people know you don ‘hammer’? It’s the cheapest way for a failing artiste to lie about his/her status and believe me, your audience know better. Display of alcohol and splashing it about is not a trendy thingy either. It’s been way over-used and is usually a useless element that’s of no significance to the video. Except your song talks about booze, adding it adds no color or essence to your video.



5. Almost all your tracks have been auto-tuned

For those who may not know what the ‘Auto-tune’ is, it’s the part or plug-in of the software used in recording studios to manipulate your vocals to sound better or different. This was an effect pioneered by the Late Roger Troutman back in the 80’s with his Talk box, a device attached to his keyboard to give his voice different effects.

Thanks to the computer, American artistes like T-pain and Lil’ Wayne have helped bastardize it. The same also goes for Naija artistes who are indulging in massive auto-tuning. It’s become so rampant in contemporary Naija music. Now anybody can release an album; many so-called upcoming artistes with bad voices now auto-tune the living daylights out of their vocals and fool the public into thinking they can sing. But they can’t keep up the façade for long – wait till the time comes for them to perform live. That’s when you know who can truly sing! As an upcoming artiste, its better you stick closer to your real voice so that you don’t traumatize your audience when it comes to the live performance.



6. You’re always showcasing yourself as a ‘bad boy' in your music and videos.

Many artistes think the ‘bad boy’ image is dope. LOL! It’s not. Why? In a society like ours you can’t afford to be a bad example on the entertainment circuit if you intend to stay relevant. Upcoming artistes should realize that artistes can also become ambassadors which means someone who cuts a responsible image; someone the society wouldn’t mind being a mentor to their children. Taking such positions would mean more exposure, publicity and endorsement deals for the artiste. Can a ‘bad boy’ or ‘bad girl’ be given such a role? I mean, imagine a Terry G who glorifies internet scam or a Kelly Handsome who fights in public being made a role model for kids…Not!



7. The themes of most of your songs are about making money and spending it lavishly.

Just as mentioned in the 2nd point, you’ll only be tooting your horn arrogantly but will only sound like you’ve got a low self esteem. Why not teach people about what it takes to make it and not what it takes to show it?



8. You only offer to perform at a live event if offered money.


Many upcoming artistes make the mistake of being too focused on the money they’d end up making after a performance. Mind you, you’re a nobody and nobody likes to hire a nobody to perform. But people will allow you to perform if you make it free.

Always offer to perform for free in any event you get the opportunity to show yourself. In due time, your popularity will build and by them you would have trained yourself in live performance, gotten to meet others you can learn from. Once you become known, you can begin to attach a price to yourself.



9. You shoot your video by yourself

Especially when you’re not trained to shoot videos, don’t ever attempt to do this. Let a professional do it for you. Your first video should be an investment into a good quality and creative representation because first impression matters and sticks longer. Don’t get overwhelmed by the mentality that you must do everything by yourself.



10. Your mind is warped in the belief that sex sells and you infuse it in your songs

True. Sex sells but only lazy uncreative artistes would go that route. Why? Because it’s the easiest but it’s not memorable because you’ll sound like every other desperate artiste and eventually fade into oblivion.



11. You’ve got no mentor

You’re entering a territory where there are those who already know how the system works and you decide to do it solo? Bad idea. If not for Dbanj’s mentoring, Wande Coal would have been zero. If not for Banky W, Whizzkid would be nowhere, and the list goes on.



Lastly, I’d like to mention that if you’re under the delusion that you can sing when everybody is telling you you can’t, and it is very glaring, please wake up, face reality and find your true calling elsewhere. Don’t wait for some judge at an audition to tell you you sound like crap. Otherwise, good luck with auto-tuning!

PS: Na my own I talk Oh! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion!

What happened in April?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, May 19, 2011

I was in the office seated at my desk working on my laptop when my cellphone rang. I picked it up and wifey’s voice came through the speaker in a breathy voice.

‘Honey, I think you should start coming now.’

Instantly I flicked the cursor on the laptop to start button and shutdown the system. I paked my bags and left the office. On my way through the main gate I met the GMD who was just coming in. He looked at me curiously and asked where I was off to. He seemed eager to catch any staff that just left the premises anyhow.

‘I’m off to take my wife to the hospital sir. She’s going into labour sir.’

His stern countenance changed and he let me go. I called wifey on the phone again as I drove out of the car park to let her know I just left the office.

She was calm when I got home. The contractions had been coming and going and her instincts had lit up that the baby was ready to come. I helped her into the Ruffler and in minutes we had reached the hospital.

I remember when we had Timi. It was this same hospital. I had been present at her delivery but today the nurses felt I should wait in the waiting room. I was like WTH? Anyway I just decided to wait since most of the nurses where not the same set of nurses that were there during Timi’s birth.

Wifey’s labour didn’t last up to an hour. At about 2.30pm, she gave birth to a big baby boy. The cute dude weighed 3.5kg compared to his sister that weighed 2.5kg at her birth.

Two weeks later, his sister, Timi clocked two years old.

Okay, so now you know part of why I’ve been off the blog for a while. But do you know the major reason for the hiatus? I’ve been trying to get pictures of the little dude (whom we’ve named Ayomide Oluwakorede Fortune, by the way) so that I could load them on my blog. Thanks to the absence of my camera which I gave away with the hope of buying another. I would have had tons of photos to load. So while I expected the photographer at the naming to get the pics ready, why don’t I just post the entry and load the pics later? So here you are.

We had a new baby, we moved to a new apartment, wifey’s birthday (April 27th) came around followed by my birthday (May 3rd) then Timi’s birthday (May 15th). All that got me too swooped to blog.

But I’m back now. And I’m giving God all the glory – for the new home, new baby and bigger family and better things yet to come!

The Truth Behind the Sunshade?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, April 28, 2011

I once wrote a post a couple of years back on the bandwagon trend of Nigerian artistes sporting sunshades all the time such that majority of them have accidentally made it part of their look. It's supposedly an accessory to give you the cool look, no doubt. But I feel it may have made every artiste that wears it look no different from any other artiste. I also feel it's the laziest way to brand yourself. No wonder it's become a bandwagon affair; not many want to go through the trouble of standing out.



Courtesy www.toonpool.com



But then I keep asking why are most artistes so obsessed with wearing shades all the time? Even if the environment is a dark one that requires your natural eyes alone to focus?

I even discovered that foreign artistes don't sport shades that much; if you saw any of them without it, you'd know it was the same person. But here in Nigeria, our artistes wear shades so often that the day they 'accidentally' remove them, you hardly recognize them. So why are majority of Naija artistes always face-decked in shades? I went a-searching to find answers but still hit the conclusion I hit in my earlier article. 

 I still clung to that conclusion until I came across the picture below of Dbanj and Wande Coal - without their shades chilling in some vehicle. The picture was taken a couple of years ago but says quite a lot - that these guys are definitely high. Take a look at their eyes; dim, strained, bloodshot and in a perplexed or dazed state. This is the type of face you see on the streets; the type of eyes ogogoro and weed smokers sport in Lagos bus garages and bus stops. 

So...could this be another strong reason that some of our artistes sport sunshades? Well, this is a good opportunity to find out whenever you come across any of them. Imagine running into Dbanj or any other artiste one day and asking for an autograph as a 'fan' then begging him to remove his shades so you can see his full face...lol, that should work.

Any other reasons why they sport the shades? Let's hear it!

Oh...AND I'VE GOT BIG NEWS ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED ON APRIL 18TH!
I'LL BE POSTING THAT IN THE NEXT ENTRY!!

KEEP GUESSING!

How To Catch a Housegirl That Has Yapa!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I was reading one of Sisi Yemi's blog entries titled 'How to tell when your housegirl is about to Yapa!' (For those of you who don't what 'Yapa' means, it means 'Go haywire' or 'dominate the whole place' ) and I suddenly remembered a video one of my colleagues showed me at work.

It was a video taken by her brother who suspected that his trusted housemaid was actually stealing stuff around the house. What he did was to hide a camera somewhere about the room before he and his wife went on an outing. From the result in the video below it sure was a good idea!

So for you who's thinking of risking having a house maid, get a hidden camera stuffed around the house. Getting back from work, just grab a popcorn and sit down to watch how the day went. You might want to keep her or sack her depending on what you see.

That's Myne!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, April 07, 2011

And I felt bored at work and didn't want to get online.

And I picked up this popular Naija news magazine

to read in my office; inquisitive to know what pot of luck

they claimed our 'puppet presido' had...

And I reached page 10 of the magazine and who do I see on the page?

OMG! It's Myne Whitman in an interesting exclusive interview

on her work and Naijastories! It was an encouraging interview

that rang one bell in my mind -She's definitely going a long way

sticking to doing what she loves best. 

 With another novel out not long after her first,

(which gathered impressive reviews) no doubt about it,

she's gathering momentum as a force to reckon with. 

Click to view larger and read.

Its hard being encouraged to be a writer here in Naija,

I have friends who stopped writing because they were just plain discouraged.

I had stopped writing for a while until I met Myne online

and she encouraged me to start again (Hence 'The Chronicles X' series).

Then I joined Naija Stories and the dead writer in me ressurected totally.

All of a sudden, everything around me had a story to tell

and I had to write or I would run crazy!

Keep doing what you're doing Myne! We're proud of you!

Out with the former...In with the Next

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, April 01, 2011

Say bye bye to Red, my faithful Nissan Primera.
She has served me well. I'll never forget those times we shared; the travelling trips we made, the small safaris we embarked, my little girl playing ruff on her seats and soiling them with food.
I'll never forget the days she broke down and I got her fixed and running at some times. She was rugged. I hope the new owner enjoys her.
Wifey nearly shed a tear when she was driven away...amazing how emotions get attached to a car.

 

 
Say hello to Ruffler, my freshly acquired Mercury Villager.
I look forward to new adventures with her. Driving her is a whole new experience for me; controlling a bigger vehicle shows a lot of difference. I'm getting along fine with her and discovering more everyday. It's a miracle how I got her - that's a testimony I've never stopped sharing.
 

I still refuse to keep with joneses. I just get the ride suitable for me for the moment. Right now, its for my family that's getting bigger - me, wifey, little Timi and the little fella we're expecting.

Breaking News...Upcoming Comedian, CD John is Dead

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 24, 2011

News just got to me early hours this morning that upcoming comedian, CD John was involved in a motor accident in which he ran into a stationary truck 2 days ago.

He evetually gave up ghost yesterday.

CD John is well known for his brand of comedy which involves indigenious gospel music and local church parodies




He always succeeds in cracking up the crowd with unique talent and creative renditions.

May his soul rest in peace.

Naija Internet Lingo - How much of it is for real?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, March 21, 2011

You might have come across some of these Naija internet slangs and gotten confused; I decided to go on a search to find them out and got results. Infact what I found is quite surprising and I'm wondering...do Naija folks really use these on the Internet? I know of some but the others...?

1. LWKM - Laugh wan kill me


2. LWKMD - Laugh wan kill me die

3. MIDG - make i dey go

4. WGYL - we go yarn later

5. IGA - I gbadun am

6. ICS - I can't shout

7. DJM - Don't jealous me

8. WBDM - Who born d maga

9. UDC - U de craze

10. NUS - Na u sabi

11. WSU - who send u

12. OSABZ - over sabi

13. ITK - I too know

14. WDH - wetin dey happen

15. NDH - nutin dey happen

16. FMJ - free me jo

17. BBP - bad bele people

18. HUD - how u dey

19. WKP - waka pass

20. BBG - baby girl

21. KKL - Kokolette

22. MML - mamalette

23 GFF- Gbono fe le fe le (e.g., she GFF)

24. NTT - Na true talk

25. IKU - It koncain u?

26. NDM - no dull me

27. LGT - let's goo there

28. IFSA - I for slap am

29. IGDO - I go die o

30. YB - Yess boss

31. NLT - No long thing

32. 2GB - 2 gbaski (e.g., the song 2GB!)

33. CWJ - carry waka jorh

34. WBYO - wetin be your own

35. U2D - U 2 do

36. U2DV - U 2 dey vex

37. MKG - maka gini?

38. WSDP - who send dem papa

39. INS - i no send

40. INFS - i no fit shout

41. WWY - who wan yarn

42. NBST - no be small thing

43. NWO - na wah oooooo

44. NMA - no mind am

45. MIHW - make i hear word

46. NBL - no be lie

47. NB? - na beans?

48 wd - wetin dey

49. UNGKM - u no go kill me

50. o2s - omo 2 sexy

51. UTMG - You Try My Guy

52. UR2M = You are too much


Are any of you familiar with these slangs or they are kind of far fetched?

Garri & Agege Bread - What Manner of Controversy?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 10, 2011

Nowadays I’m usually sceptical about any sensational news about some food item that I’ve been used to consuming being said to contain some substance or chemical that could be detrimental to my health. Who comes up with such hard to stomach rubbish when the said food has always been part of one’s way of life for several years?

Take Garri for instance.

This food item has not only become a popular food item with all classes of Nigerians but has played a very important role in the life of every Nigerian student from secondary school level to tertiary education level. It is the simplest food to prepare and consume and complement with ‘accessories’ like sugar, groundnut or milk. It is the total embodiment of what you’ll call ‘fast food’. Even when you’re as poor as a church rat, Garri seems to never desert you. There was a time I got tired of eating those extra garnished meals during lunch break and brought some Garri to work. With just some water from the office dispenser and a couple of groundnuts from the aboki across the road, I was good to go on a fast lunch. Some colleagues saw me grubbing the Garri and retorted that it was a good idea, and even asked me if I had some to share. Nobody with a past romance with Garri could resist the idea of lunching on this simple meal.

And then there was a time news spread around that Garri was dangerous to your health; that it could destroy your eyes!

I was in secondary school when that news came out and everybody fell hook, line and sinker for it; especially the school authorities. Suddenly schools began to ban Garri and declared it a contraband item. Students where told never to bring Garri amongst their provisions to school but it was hard to do that. Thus students ventured into the act of smuggling the cherished food item into dormitories. I remember in my secondary school days when we just resumed for a new term; you’d submit your luggage to the housemaster and his committee to search your luggage for any of the famous ‘contraband’. Many of us devised ways to get the stuff into the dormitories. We even gave it a code name – ‘Garium Sulphide’ after some chemical science students got to know about in chemistry classes.

The fact remained that there was nothing you could do to stop students from consuming Garri. What they couldn’t even do with Garri in secondary school, they aachieved in the University. I have been consuming Garri for more than 20 years and my eyes are still as sharp as bird’s. All other devotees of Garri that I know that have remained loyal to ‘Garium’

So what about the BS on Garri ruining your eyes?


Then came the mescaforming info about Agege bread.

Agege bread is another food item that sits in the class of Garri. Many of us (especially those of us who were not born with a silver spoon) fed and grew up judiciously on evergreen this brand of bread which probably bears a similarity to what bread must have looked like in the days of our Lord Jesus Christ (remember those moments he shared bread for his apostles and the people?). Fortunately, many of us have left secondary school before Agege bread was declared a dangerous food item that contained bromate; a somewhat harmful God-knows-what.

Annoyingly and as usual, people fell for it and all of a sudden, the competition of Agege Bread, which is the brand of bread known as ‘sliced bread’ seemed to sell more. Some even went as far as tagging their bread ‘bromate free’, whatever the hell that means.

But I just love the way these food items seem to bounce back in their essential commodity glory. People seemed to have thrown the ‘bromate’ awareness in the trash bin because Agege bread still sells like hot cakes! There’s a woman on my street who sells bread. 80% of her bread is Agege bread, the rest are the sliced variety. In two days she sells off the Agege bread while the Sliced variety stay on the shelf for about four days.

I can’t resist Agege bread. Neither can many of my friends. I grew up on this food item. Mum would feed me and my siblings about four times a week on Agege bread with something. And today we’re all still as fit as a fiddle. Where’s the damage from the bromate? Even my younger brother who came from Scotland recently demanded passionately to eat Agege bread for breakfast one Sunday morning. He even told me that he and his Naija friends in Aberdeen had a place where they could always purchase Agege bread but it was scarce, frigging expensive and ALSO BROMATE FREE, and it came from a bakery owned by Indians who employed Nigerians to do the baking! What the hell?!!

Even our celebrities can't deny the important role this bread played and still plays in our lives. Ask Uche Jombo!

I think government bodies like NAFDAC should watch what the kind of info they dole out to the public. If stuff kills oyinbo but does nothing to us, why feed us the BS? 

They make noise over our staple meals yet they say nothing about the dangerous content in some of the processed foods circulating Naija’s market. What about that nasty sweetener called ‘Aspertame’? It’s present in Diet coke and Pepsi Light drinks, it’s present in Nutri C, the popular fruit powder drink and Amarila, another powder drink being marketed for children in Nigeria.  I discovered that when I stopped taking Nutri C, my health improved (I used to have all the symptoms associated with excessive consumption of Aspartame – and if you want to know what these symptoms are just google ‘the problem with aspartame’ or something)

Now I’m wondering…which food will they condemn next? It really gets me thinking that some diabolic individuals are using these crooked strategies to make some money; create a problem and then sell a solution. But I’m wiser to understand that I should never ‘fall mugu’ to another misyarn about any food that’s played an important role in our lives.

Garri & Nutri C images Courtesy

www.pactmates.com
www.beglobalfood.com

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Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, February 25, 2011