Facebook Mischief 2

4 Screamer(s):

When Val Sucks...Not!

I sat in my car yesterday morning listening to a call-in program where the hosts wanted people to call in and tell them how they spent their Val the day before. Unfortunately, all the callers they ever got told them their Val sucked. The most outrageous being a chick who said she spent her Val at home eating ‘Eba’. The hosts were stunned and asked about her guy, she said she had none and that she was okay romancing a plate of nice ‘Eba’ at home.

Hmm... Val’s day definitely sucked for many people; maybe it was because it fell on a Monday which was a no-nonsense day of the week. Fela Anikulapo-Kuti’s song testifies to it in his classic ‘Lojo Monday, Eko o ni gbagbakugba o’ (On Monday, Lagos won’t tolerate any nonsense).

As for me, Vals day was sweet!

My Vals day actually started from a pre-val outing on Sunday 13th. I took wifey to a married couples get-together dinner event called ‘Honeymoon4ever’. We had games, Q&As, a speaker who spoke extensively on Finance and Marriage and lots more. But the most interesting part of the event was the interactive session where different couples shared their take on how sex affects finance and vice versa.

Most of the men talked in favour of themselves or just spoke out of context. I wasn’t surprised. When it comes to talking about sex, people get extra excited. In this case, they got so excited and veered away from the main topic. The anchor had to keep asking; ‘Okay, so how does that affect finance?’

One guy was talking and his wife was pinching him not to let out stuff and he told the audience that she was pinching him to keep shut. Another guy talked so extensively about his wife’s mannerisms in the bedroom that when she tried to sneak away the anchor drew attention to her.

Eventually I raised my hand to speak. Wifey was backing me so she wasn’t aware. When the microphone was handed to me, a ‘what-in-the-world-is-he-going-to-say?’ look was written all over her face. I took the mic, cleared my throat and spoke.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, before I speak, could you please applaud my wonderful wife.’

Applause and cheers followed before I continued.

‘You’ll ask me why I requested for an applause. It’s because she’s a smart woman.’

Slight laughter filled the hall.

‘Naturally, I’m a frugal person when it comes to spending cash and that means you don’t get cash out of me so easily but one night my wife seriously ‘dealt with me’ in the bedroom and when she asked for money, I gave her without even thinking! Now that’s sex affecting finance!’

The whole room was thrown into guffaws and spasmodic cheering. The women felt good; at least this was a credit to them. But the most glad of them all was Wifey herself. This seemed to encourage the women because the next person who picked the microphone was the wife who had been pinching her hubby.

On our way home, wifey went on and on about it; she felt so honored and surprised. I could see this new glow on her face. I had made her day. This goes on to show the importance of appreciating your woman; it’s a powerful tool, especially if it has a surprise element to it.

The next day which was Val, we went out after work and bought buckets of ice cream and some suya (she loves these) and settled down at home to eat while watching a romantic comedy together. Forget the idea of taking her out to any Val joint, I hate the way those places get crowded during the period.

And at least if you considered it to someone eating ‘Eba’ at home during the love season, I think we enjoyed Val better!

Sorry! This post should have actually come up on the 14th which was Valentine’s day but thanks to the crappy internet connection and one delay or the other, I couldn’t.

8 Screamer(s):

Blackberry Zombies

The meeting was about to start but the MD was not yet on seat.  While waiting at the round table someone played with his pen on the table, another drew sketches of meaningless abstract art on his jotter, another person read a newspaper or while another a magazine, someone listened to music via earpiece connected to her phone and four people sat glued to their blackberry phones tapping away on the keypads like their life depended on it.

I’m walking down the corridor to the Audio-Visual studio and I come across an intern leaning against the wall, a blackberry in her hands, her face glued like an electrified zombie to its screen. She hardly notices me passing by.

A colleague boards a commercial bus and hands his fare to the conductor. Next to him is seated a casually dressed young man tapping away on his blackberry. The conductor calls for his fare, dude hears not. His eyes are glued with glee to his phone, all attention totally sucked into the little glowing demon in his hands. The conductor hollers at him, jerking his attention. Dude holds blackberry in one hand, eyes still hooked to the screen, uses the other hand to bring out fare and hand it over to the pissed-off conductor without turning from his phone or paying mind to the invective from the conductor.

Ever seen a car pull over just for its driver to whip out his blackberry and ping on it? Or a person spend a long time in the toilet not because the shit was too harsh to offload but because they had to do something very ‘important’ on their blackberry?

Okay. I don’t need to give too many examples. By now you might have guessed the issue I’m trying to hit.
 The blackberry phone, no doubt, is a gadget of convenience; it’s like carrying your own computer and internet around. It gives you instant access to your network of friends and you are able to chat or do business anytime, anywhere. I know it’s not a new technology so don’t get the idea that I’m talking like it’s one.

A few years earlier in Nigeria the blackberry was not a phone that just anybody could afford because it fell in the category of high end phones but as the GSM awareness caught Naija by storm with tech savvy phones appearing now and again, and with Asian copycat versions flooding the market, the prize fell and the blackberry became a ‘pure water’ phone. To make matters worse, the Chinese copycat is also available at a cheaper price (Chai! These Chinkos sabi spoil market!).

So what happens when people find out they can own a blackberry without paying thru the nose? You guessed right – every Tom, Dick and Hilary gets one. Don’t be surprised if you see a Naija commercial bus conductor tapping away on a blackberry.

Well, those may be the pros but the cons would be the fact that this hand held mobile cretin has stolen the lives of many its owners. Now people are so comfy wasting precious time on their blackberry phones they end up not having time for other things. Nope, it’s not because they are doing any important research but because it’s become the bonafide ‘amebo’ social network thanks to its benefit of instant ping chatting and Facebook. It has turned many people into zombies; their attention is more fixed on the thrills of useless gists, downloading and forwarding of pics, images, music and videos. I remember I blogged about the menace Facebook had become some time back. Thanks to the blackberry, it’s more amplified than ever. 

Image courtesy www.blackberrycool.com

Everywhere you find a blackberry, there’s constant lack of attention. Don’t ever discuss anything with anybody who’s holding onto a blackberry. If a chat ping comes in, you just might get ignored for some minutes. And trust me, it can be so annoying.

Oh…did I tell you that there’s a toy version for kids? Kai! Isn't that a bit too early for dem youngsters?

For that lady or guy that loves attention from his/her man or woman, please don’t ever buy him/her a blackberry for a gift! The moment you do that, you’ve got yourself a RIVAL! I know this because even my wife had to fight me over the fact that my laptop was becoming her rival for attention…lol.

I like the idea of the blackberry and its use…but I’m just afraid of ever getting one. Apart from the fact that I usually hate joining a bandwagon trend, I also dread the fact that it might steal some of my hard-conserved precious time – like the one I spend reading and meditating on my Bible. 

That’s true…even without the blackberry, many who take their spiritual life serious are still try hard to have time to spend with God. Now that the blackberry is here and they own one what happens?

Oh Blackberry…you’re such a distractive devil!

Hence I keep away from this 'winch' of a gadget before it infects me with its telephony virus and turn me into one of its zombies!

18 Screamer(s):

UNIBEN Students' Show of Shame

January 30th on Monday morning, a shocking video simply titled ‘Facebook’ was uploaded on to Youtube.
Its contents? A thirteen minute show of a group of boys (couldn’t actually tell their number) punishing three girls who had been caught red-handed in a room having lesbian sex. The video started with the boys ordering the girls to get on the bed and demonstrate the act while they filmed it. After a while, they were ordered to lie down while they were whipped on their bare butts with belts.
Two of the girls being questioned by their punishers amidst tears.
The scenario happened in the University of Benin (as indicated on the youtube info space by the uploader). From the noisy staccato going on in the background, it could be gathered that the girls had been heavily into the act earlier and had been so loud in their lust that the boys who lived in the same apartment complex heard their noise and decided to barge in.

One of the girl's being pinned down by a boy's leg while she gets whipped.

It was a total show of shame; the girls were told to perform all manner of sexual acts amidst tears and pleas and vicious belt whippings.

I don’t support gay lifestyle or orientation; in fact I totally hate it and believe it’s an abomination against God’s laws. But I was shocked at the brutal beating of the girls. I guess they should be careful where they tread next time. The video did not last up to a day on Youtube. It was yanked off before the evening but people had already downloaded it and started sending it to others on their phones.

Obviously people now know how to make a big scandal thanks to the use of the camera phone, blackberry, facebook and youtube. Sometime last year also in Benin, a lecturer who was always making girls have sex with him before offering them marks was caught red handed on camera after a trap had been set for him.

One of my colleagues decided to plant her camera phone in her room and set the camera rolling because she believed that someone was stealing her stuff. Sure enough, it caught the new babysitter they had just got searching through her cupboard and drawers for anything to pilfer. That was the end of her job.
This goes out to show that secret acts cannot stay hidden anymore. 

So if you’ve got a dirty secret and you get careless, who knows?  There just might be a camera somewhere recording your torrid reality show!

14 Screamer(s):