When The Unexpected Arrives...Multiple Dilema

I’ve been on deliberate hiatus in this month due to certain happenstances that I’m still yet to recover from.
My mind has been ruminating on thoughts and plans on what to do to get out of a certain logjam that any sane man would so desire for to end so quickly.

What’s my predicament?

It’s the barrage of things happening between the months of April and May.

First I remembered that towards the end of April, A.Y will be celebrating his one year old birthday, then his Mum’s birthday follows the following week.

Skip the following week which is my birthday, the next week is Timi’s birthday, then the following week is my younger brother’s wedding day.

Finally in the week…we bury my dear grandmother who just passed away earlier this month.

Rest in peace Mama!

I know you might say ‘wow…what a barrage of celebrations you have there’ but that’s not the point.

The point is….ol’ boy I have to SPEND MONEY men!

My son deserves a special gift on his birthday…I have been planning to get this special gift for my wife on her birthday; something she so dearly craves to own (never mind, she’s too busy to find out I wrote this on the blog), then I’ve been wanting to get Timi a bicycle because she has been exhibiting ‘symptoms’ of needing one…not to talk of the fact that I need one too to be cycling to work (my office isn’t too far from home and driving isn’t necessary…besides a bicycle to work sounds like fun!) then my brother’s wedding is gonna demand some spending – you know all that ceremony where they extort you out of your hard earned cash because you came with committee of friends to beg the damsel’s hand in marriage for our brother.

But the mother of them all is my grandmother’s burial.

Family members have already annoyingly selected an ‘aso ebi’ which costs an arm and a leg simply because they want to import it from Dubai.

Haa! Shey wetin dey for Sokoto  no dey for sokoto again?

Then it is most likely that when musicians start playing, they will begin to embarrass you by calling out your name so that you can part with hard-earned cash for being praised.

I can’t spell out how much of expense this will squeeze out of me but being the first grandson of the first son doesn’t help at all! In fact, it’s my Dad I feel sorry for the most…because people really know him well being the first son and it is his mother, a very significant woman that’s being laid to rest.

I had ranted to my wife this morning…’Why did Grandma have to die at this time of the month? Why didn’t she wait till around the end of December?’

Wifey had wondered the reason for me preferring December.

‘Because that’s when we get paid the ‘13th month’at work! That’s when ‘pepper go rest and pocket no dey dry!’

I’ll be soo glad when all this is over. I don’t even want to think about it so much except plan for it.

Oh crap…I just remembered that my rent is gonna be due soon!

5 Screamer(s):

The Crap Scare

Scatological Article!

I’m a finicky when it comes to toilet issues.

Oh yes…and that’s because CRAP scares the hell out of me.

You’re probably wondering how I manage that with two kids who have a lot of that to offer shey?

Oh I do manage! Like, I don’t look at Timi’s crap when I empty her potty into the water closet or I almost close my eyes when it’s my turn and I’m changing A.Y.’s diapers.

Even my own shit scares me.

Anytime I take a dump, I don’t even look at it more than once before I flush it.

But then once in a while you must have grubbed excessively and on the fateful day you decide to visit the convenience you ‘let out’ a monstrousity that would make you wonder how that ‘thing’ managed to come out of you – that’s if you did not spend time groaning and sweating like you were in some prolonged labour.

And then this was the day when you turned the flush lever, the water flushes through…and your naughty shit decides to remain.

For some people (especially when it’s a public convenience) it’s just a matter of getting the hell out of there before someone else who wishes to use the place comes around as you’re just leaving; per chance the person sees the nasty ‘log’ in the closet and easily connects the dots as to who is responsible.

I don’t have the guts to abandon a toilet that’s harbouring a stubborn crap load that was my handiwork. So you can imagine the sheer horror I face when I come to realization that I’ve just offloaded some monster that won’t go down the closet drain – me that hates looking at my own crap!

I also don’t want to forget that there are toilets and there are toilets. Some toilets flush so violently that nothing can survive remaining in that closet, not even if a cell phone dropped in it…(eeww, God forbid bad thing…happened to a colleague once. Thank God it wasn’t flushed), other toilets flush so flimsily that even floating spittle can survive it – that’s what I’d call an ‘Ajebutter’ toilet.

Unfortunately, the toilet I have at home is an ‘Ajebutter’ toilet. I always have to support the flushing with a bucket of water, unlike where I used to live before where I had an ‘Ajepako’ toilet. This was a toilet that even wall geckos and roaches dreaded…even a rat would never survive its unmerciful and violent flushing. Yeah…even I step back, as if I might be caught in its waves and carried away.

I’m not any luckier at work…because the closet attached to my office is an ‘Ajebutter’.

For a while, I did only the ‘minor’ at work. I dared not do the ‘major’ since there was no hope of my ‘output’ going anywhere in the ‘Ajebutter’ closet.

Well…that’s what I decided until nature decided to play a fast one on me.

I can’t remember what I ate that day but my stomach decided to do a royal rumble that was threatening to spill out my butt. Now I’m very good at containing such situations, especially if it had to do with taking a piss but in this case I was physically, mentally and emotionally threatened and had no choice.

In situations like this, the first thing on your mind is where you can rest your thundering butt before it explodes before thinking of whether you can get it flushed or not. Thus I ended up using the office ‘Ajebutter’ toilet. Fortunately for me, it was around closing time and the other two in the office had gone home.

Finally, after two rigorous flushing attempts that involved two bowls of water accompanied by the sluggish flow of the closet’s flushing, the nasty turd finally bade me goodbye and disappeared down the closet’s pipes.

I guess next time I’ll make sure I abide by the boy scout motto; I’ll ‘be prepared’ should in case another royal rumble happens another day.

Yep…that’s me, really finicky about toilet issues!

6 Screamer(s):