Nigerian Fiction: Pacesetters Series...What happened?




I remember back in the past in Naija, the movies we watched mostly were foreign movies. Today we have Naija movies that get better (and at times worse) everyday.

In the past, most of the music that thrilled us was foreign music. Today we have our own music industry which has gain international acclaim.

In the past we used to read foreign novels (James Hadley Chase, Mills & Boon series etc) but along the line came our own novel sensations - the Pacesetters series (pictured above) which took everyone by storm. You'd see secondary school students as well as adults totting copies of these Nigerian (and sometimes other African) written urban pop-fiction series which ranged from Romance to Action thrillers. We loved them and they showed that we had a lot of talented pop-fiction writers here in Nigeria

These books were hot cakes back then and you saw them to buy at many bookshops then but over time they have disappeared and Macmillan doesn't seem to be publishing them anymore.

And people have gone back to reading foreign paperbacks. And people seem to read more of self help books or gossip tabloids today.

Why didn't the reading culture that seemed to explode during the pacesetters era stay on? What killed it? Could it be the coming of the internet and cable television?

Though lately there have been some revival attempts by some publishing outfits like Farafina books who are doing a good job of it. Also a new generation of authors are springing up with brilliant works all over the place. Reading session events are even recently becoming more frequent.

So should we be expecting that reading and writing culture to come back and storm the literate or reading populace like the pacesetters did back then? 

We've created our own music types and broken away from being hooked to foreign ones; we've opened up the channel for our movie industry to thrive and become a renown one that's now viewed on satellite, we have writers and books coming out again but have Nigerians embraced reading as they have embraced music and the movies? Or are these two countering the reading culture?

I long for book lines like the pacesetters series to come back; they were fun in those days and added value to students way back. I believe it will help develop our reading culture and give us a space to create what is proudly our own that the outside world can appreciate. Imagine these series being adapted to movie versions (that will contribute to better storylines!).

I can't forget classics like 'Mark of the Cobra', 'On the Road', 'Naira Power', 'Director!', 'Coup!', 'Sisi'...and the list goes on. I feel like reading some of them again. we had real creative writers then and a series that was very accessible, and a reading public that was grabbing them.

Who else was ever a pacesetter fan?


27 Screamer(s):

The Okada Hell Ride And My Baby's Poop

Okay, how do I start this story?


I was on a mission; a very important mission – to submit a sample of my little girl’s poop to a diagnostics lab for testing.

My car wasn’t available because the brain box had malfunctioned and I had to park it. That meant I had to move around by public transport.

We had arrived from church that afternoon and had waited eagerly for little Timi to ‘offload’. She had been ill for sometime and was getting better but for her to complete her treatment, there was need for one more test, and it involved a sample of her poop.


Timi ate like a horse (thanks to the B-complex vitamins) she ate her own meal and joined me and wifey to consume ours. She finished off my chicken and almost ate the bones. I was shocked; I didn’t know a one year old could consume that much.


Finally she stopped eating and stood still, her cheeky face rigid and concentrated. She looked into the distance as if trying to comprehend something. I got the message.



‘MJ! Oya bring the container oh! Timi wan begin shit!’



Soon Timi was cleaned up and Wifey handed me a vial filled with her yucky output. It felt warm and I cringed; not at the though of holding my baby’s poop in a transparent plastic but at the thought of carrying it to another destination – like I was some messenger sent to deliver the ‘poop of life’ that would liberate some suffering village (Thanks to the crappy Nollywood movies I had accidentally watched, my imagination was running amok).


It would have been comforting if all I had to do was just board an ‘Okada’ (bike taxi) head there, drop the stuff and come back but that wasn’t the story.


First the journey involved passing through a major road that was under construction; a road that had been graded by caterpillars leaving nothing but brown clay dust all over the road. As cars passed through this road, dust swirled up like a desert sandstorm, covering one’s vision like a thick early morning harmattan fog – only that it was a hot midday afternoon and this was dust, not misty dew. As if to boast of its intesity the dust was on every house along the road, changing every color to dirty brown.




Secondly I discovered that the Okada was going to carry two of us and not me alone. Now I hated riding on okada with another passenger; I preferred being the only passenger but today I wasn’t holding enough ‘change’ so I just climbed on behind the rider and this neatly dressed dude sat behind me.



As the Okada sped along the road, the dust rose and I found myself struggling to stay free from being choked. Cars passing by in the other direction or overtaking us made matters worse by amplifying the thickness of the dust.


The okada man was wearing a helmet with a visor so his face was covered from being blinded by the dust; the dude behind me wore a pair of sunshades so just his eyes were protected.


Only I had nothing to cover my eyes. So I was forced to hide my face behind the Okada man’s back which was not at all comforting. I had to endure looking at his dirty collar and grime caked neck all through the trip while resisting the urge to barf or choke on dry airborne clay particles.

Finally the dude behind me got to his destination and came down. I was so relieved; it was additional torture having a man's privates poking you in the back on a bike. A friend who had been expecting him laughed at us – we had been so pelted by the dust and our hair had turned brown making us look like half-breed albinos.

I hurriedly dusted my hair and face hoping to get all the dust out before I reached where I was going.


When I got to the lab I was directed to where I would drop my ‘cargo’. The lab scientist laughed when he received the vial.



‘Sir, we only needed a small sample, not this much!’



‘Well…at least you have more than enough to work with.’ I said, appalled at the idea of discussing the ratio or measurement of a 1 year old’s shit.



As I was about to leave, one of his colleagues brought something to my notice.



‘Bros, clean your face there’s dust…’



‘Na the road oh!’ I broke in before he could continue and before they mistook it for a woman’s ‘pancake’.



When it was time for me to go back, I steered clear of all the Okadas and judiciously waited for a bus. At least I would be covered and concealed in a bus. It took some time but I didn’t mind. I wasn’t ready to undergo another torture or extreme dirty makeover by that dusty road.


So how do I end this story?


Yeah, I guess I learned a lesson - never ride on a bike in clean clothes on a dusty and untarred road.

I should have thought of that!

7 Screamer(s):

5 Nigerian Sensations on making waves on Youtube

This sounds like a corny title but hey, who knows? It might make a whole lot of sense eventually. I really hope it does. I alos hope its a kind of post worth writing.

There’s a question that I’m sure many people would not be able to answer quite well if asked.


And this is the question -What’s the easiest way to become popular?

If you’re not thinking of the internet then you’re wrong. Many have proven that this phenomenon we call the world wide web has the potential to turn nobodies into somebody.

Kat Stacks became popular for getting into flings with celebrities and exposing their secrets on the internet.

Star Wars kid became somewhat popular after the video of a fat teenager swinging a golf ball retriever as a lightsaber appeared on the internet. It ended up having parodied versions.



I could go on but that’s not why I’m making this post. I was eager to find out if Nigerians had made such an impact online creating videos that became either memes or phenomena on the internet.

Here are the ones I found.


Brother Franklin



A series of videos of a charismatic Nigerian man dancing vigorously during offering time in a church became a sensation on the internet, the most popular being the one above which had over a million views on Youtube. It became popular enough to become a reference point and with time different versions or parodies done by ‘fans’ or those who saw it appeared on Youtube.



Patrick Obahiagbon



This Nigerian politician became popular not because he had some unique policy that would make Naija a better place but rather because of his HEAVY GRAMMAR. There’s usually not much amusing material about Nigerian politicians that one could post on the internet (unless it’s a video of a fight between senators at the house of reps or senate) but Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon has stuff alright. The politician speaks a heavy compilation of grammar that defies logical understanding and leaves you somewhat confused – and he has so much confidence doing it; grammar that makes Pastor Chris Okotie’s elocutions look like peanuts.

Just ‘Youtube’ his name and you’ll find enough material to certify him. Even a spoof or more are available.



Nigerian kids invent new dance



This video actually came from a footage from the documentary ‘Welcome to Lagos’. It features two young Nigerian boys, a fat one and a skinny one doing some funny Naija dance somewhere in Idumota, Lagos. When the documentary came out with its trailer, it showed this clip played to the tune of Terry the Rapman’s ‘I am a Nigerian’.

Now the dance was hilarious, the boys looked like live cartoons prancing before an audience and contorting their faces. The video had over a million views; response videos appeared as a result and spoofs appeared on Youtube. There was one particular spoof where two bare-chested white boys tried to imitate the dance and looked very ridiculous.



Naija Boyz



There’s really nothing much to putting up your music video on Youtube if you’re just an artiste that’s promoting your music. But when you’re a couple of music comedians who spoof music videos and do hilarious remixes then you are someone to watch out for.

This is the case of a duo known as Naija Boyz who are not just another group that’s seeking fame by promoting videos on Youtube. These dudes are actually into the business of spoofing Naija videos and doing African remixes of foreign videos and they do a good job of it.

They’ve become so known on the internet, Nigerians around the world who watch their videos clamor for the next one they would release.

The latest video they made was done to commemorate Nigeria’s 50th independence anniversary. It was a remix of Dagrin’s ‘Ponponpon’ which featured the late rapper in a cut added to it. As usual, they didn’t disappoint with the crazy hilarious material added to it.

These guys are so good, they’ve got people faking them!





Omo Funky



Nigerians are getting into the cartoon thingy with apt seriousness. Omo Funky is a classic 44 seconds animation by Euphorya productions that not only got high response but also made its way to air on Silverbird Television, a Nigerian TV Station. How about that? An animation that made its debut on the internet and appeared on TV eventually. It became more popular in Nigeria after appearing on TV. It’s memorable mostly for the joke it tells of a ‘yankee wannabe’ who stopped denying his heritage after being faced with ‘the bitter truth’.




That’s all I have for now. I’ll keep a lookout for more and if you’ve come across any, do let me know so I can check it out.



Have a nice week!

7 Screamer(s):

Nigerian News Spoof - funny

Forgive me all for the long break and absence. You know how things are once you begin to approach the end of the year here in Naija; most especially when you work in an industry like mine.

Lately, I've been trying to decide which of the stuff I've come up with presently to upload on the blog this month. I hate it when I go on a hiatus by acciedent and leave my blogosphere hanging, even about 5 of my Chronicle X stories are still in the cooler, awaiting final draft before I feature it either here or on Naija Stories.

In the meantime before I load the next entry which I'm doing on '5 popular naija internet sensations' (It may increase to more than 5 if I end up discovering more. However, suggestions on some I could look into are welcome. I love the research), you can enjoy this hilarious yet not too definite spoof of Nigerian News I found on youtube.

6 Screamer(s):

Fooling Ourselves Over the Truth

I was watching a TV program on one of our local stations in Nigeria titled 'Views and Tunes' - a program that accesses artistes and music videos by their lyrics, message, beat sequence, video creativity and impact, and gives them ratings. Those who judged were just a cross section of the public at random met on the streets and in the society by reporters who presented the case.  I was watching an episode one day over a particular ariste's video and was surprised when it came to accessing the lyrics of his song and about 85% of the accessors didn't think checking out the lyrics mattered; that as long as the beat was tight it was okay.





The accessment of the music video did not end there. When it came to the 'message' of the song the accessors started saying the song's message was 'this' and 'that', yada yada yada.... Please tell me how on earth you got the message when you didn't give a hoot about the lyrics? Besides, everyone of the accessors just concoted some mumbo jumbo of what they thought about the message of the music.


And to be honest, the lyrics of the song actually had no message. One dude did however try to psychoanalyze it and did a good job. I guess he was just good and creating something out of nothing. But when the artiste himself explained what the music was about, I had to conclude he just made music because he wanted to be heard singing; there was no message in the song.

 
That set my thoughts racing over an observation I've been trying to fathom over time - people love being ignorant!
They like the idea of just knowing some harsh truths. And I wonder...if ignorance is bliss for most people then God disagrees because he states it in Hosea 4:6:  'My people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge...' Sadly, common human beings seem to disagree with God. Lack of knowledge is a bad thing, and there are many things around us to prove it.

I digress a bit to another sudden observation. How many of you are fans of Kanye West? I'm not but please take a look at this video and tell me what you think. I would have given an introductory expose but I'll just let you form your own opinions. You might want to reject this bit of information but I'll pleade with you to just take a look. Watch this shocking videos (especially the 2nd one) and let me know what you think.








Hmm...maybe someone should tell M.I. to stop trying to be a Nigerian Kanye West. Or is only me that noticed he's leaning towards a Kanye West style, look and mannerisms? Does he know what that hand sign really stands for?









I leave it all to your guess. I would have said a lot more but not everybody actually wants to hear the truth!

8 Screamer(s):

Hustling to make sense - Nollywood Hustlers movie


Two things actually drew me to check out this Nigerian movie – its poster and Nollywood Forever’s review.


First, the way the poster was designed caught my attention. It’s not as if there was anything way special about it but the placement of the characters and the use of the funny font type was enough to say one thing loud and clear – this is supposedly a funny movie. Sorry I couldn’t get a picture of the actual poster (which is better) but here’s the VCD jacket cover version.





Now, I know there are other versions of the movie poster but not all of them seemed to give the same impression as this one did. The next poster below still managed to look comedic too. I guess it’s the font that seems to be helping mostly.




This next poster below was a disappointment however because it featured a shot of the ‘late’ World Trade Centre in the background! Haba! Does someone think people are too dumb to notice?




Hmm…maybe I’ll start doing an analysis of Nigerian movie posters like the guys on whofartedphotos do with Hollywood movie posters.



Anyway, after reading Nollywood Forever’s review on ‘Nollywood Hustlers’, I was eager to check out Uche Jombo’s performance as a razz character. I must say I was not disappointed but I found out that hers was not the only performance that seemed to hold the movie for me. There was this particular character called ‘Lucky’, the shorter of the two hustlers. Just looking at this guy’s face cracks me up. And the manner in which he delivers his lines are hilarious. If you took the characters of Lucky (Ime Bishop Umoh), Schola (Uche Jombo) and Paulina (Susan Peters) out of the movie, then you’ve got nothing funny to watch. Ejike Asiegbu’s character of ‘Prince’ was also impressive though he had a supporting role; he brought out the razzness of a typical uneducated Igbo businessman.


Razz Paulina (Susan Peters) and Schola (Uche Jombo) try to steal some show at a red carpet event


The whole story of the movie surround two characters, Elvis and Lucky (Charles Inojie and Ime Bishop Umoh) who think the next best way to make money is by shooting a movie; the inspiration coming from Elvis having the dream of tangoing with movie star, Monalisa Chinda. They convince a businessman (Ejike Asiegbu) whom Lucky knows, to fund their project. In the long run, they spend the money enjoying themselves and promising chicks who came to their audition and ended up going out with them that they would make them stars. But they have a problem. How do they get Ramsey Noah and Monalisa Chinda to star in their movie with the little money left? Sounds like a dilemma that requires you to be in comedic suspense of how they would pull it through, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, our suspense gets suspended and replaced with utter disappointment. And what is it with all those prolonged and boring scenes at the beginning?

Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) in his element.


On the other hand, I think Ime Bishop Umoh is a discovery. This dude is funny in the manner of John Okafor and Nkem Owoh who are known for acting roles of stupid characters. But Umoh’s joker would be that crazy look he gives that borders on the edge of a stupid attempt to be seductive yet serious (lol, sorry but that’s how I could describe it). I found myself waiting expectantly for his own delivery in each scene of the movie; the guy has a gentle and na├»ve way of saying silly stuff that cracks you the hell up.


Lucky making an ass out of himself before Monalisa Chinda and her P.A.

Check him out at the auditioning he was conducting with Elvis where an older woman shows up and he annoying retorts;

‘By the way who even told you that we are auditioning for ancestors?’


Lucky (Ime 'Bishop' Umoh) tries to mingle with real celebrities at a red carpet event (funny scene!)

Or the bar scene where he’s talking with one of the girls that came for audition and he asks her to be his girlfriend and the girl says she wants to be a star and not just a girlfriend. Lucky angrily tells her to go to blazes informing her that doesn’t she know she has to ‘girlfriend’ her way to the top?


Just as Nollywood Forever put it, I discovered that the movie had a heavy major casting with cameo appearances from other celebrities as themselves (the first of its kind I’m seeing in a Nollywood movie) but sadly I don’t think enough justice was done to the script (If there ever really was one). As I was watching, ideas began to pop into my head on how the story could have fared better. The story could have had a more interesting ending than it did.



Schola (Uche Jombo) now a celebrity is recieving beauty treatment while her P.A. recieves call from Paulina. 
Schola’s finale where she received a call (after becoming a celebrity) from her former friend and betrayer, Paulina who wanted a piece of the action was hilarious – the exchange between Schola and her P.A who was answering the call and Paulina’s angry retort at being denied the opportunity (with that funny sound effect) seemed to cover up for the poor attempt to end the story.


For a proper review of the movie, you can check it out on Nollywood Forever’s site.

15 Screamer(s):

Good Product. Bad thinking - Focus on a Ghanaian movie

If I were to ask this question – ‘What really defines taking African movie industry to the next level?’ I’m sure I would get so many answers that point in terms of quality; technological enhancements, camera shooting techniques, special effects among a host of other things that would add interesting output to any movie.



But do sex scenes in movies really define taking the industry to the next level?



I know some people will argue that it is but I beg to disagree. It is not the amount of sex in a movie that makes the movie a classic masterpiece.



Okay, before I digress, let me go straight to the reason for writing this. It has to do with a Ghanaian movie that was released sometime earlier this year; I’m talking of the movie ‘Kiss me if you can’ which starred Prince david Osei, Martha Ankormah and was written and directed by Kobi Rana.




I just got to watch the movie on video recently and was thinking of doing a review of it but out of curiosity decided to find out what people really said about it. From my findings I discovered a lot has been said about the movie. Before it was shown, a trailer came out on Youtube and what people saw was shocking – it had explicit sex scenes spliced all over it. This was surprising because it was very misleading; it gave the movie the image of it being ‘soft porn’ and instantly all over the internet people condemned it, it was reported that it would get banned in Ghana.



The trailer also failed to give any storyline or tease synopsis – which I believe is why a trailer is produced in the first place. Instead it was just scenes of sex, faces, people running here and there and action that says practically nothing. True, you need to sell your movie but do you have to sell the sex and forget the main content?





I say this because the actual story was quite interesting – it’s about two heartbroken people whose paths cross; the guy wants to be involved with the lady but she’s not interested. The guy would do anything to get her and goes through hell to try and win her love till his friend convinces him to go the ‘jazz’ route.



They get a love potion from a female shaman which requires that he makes sure his love interest eats the food laced with it. Unfortunately, it’s the lady’s brother that eats the food and all hell breaks loose because if lover boy neglects the person who took the potion, he would run mad and die.




Yet the trailer never gave any hint about this. Even the movie poster managed to echo the actual story with the haunting question: ‘What is the worst thing you could do to save your life?’



Then in my search I came across an interview session on of one of the film’s stars, Martha Ankormah and director, Kobbi Rana, who also wrote and starred in the movie. The interview was quite an expose in the sense that it revealed some things, especially Kobbi Rana’s mindset that explicit sex scenes was the next level in African movie making.

Haba!




Here are excerpts from the interview. My reactions to the statements are in yellow.


The host asks a question concerning Martha’s role and about the movie and at a point she says this:



Martha: It’s a family movie. People think it’s rated 18 so people under 15 and 16 can’t watch but I can promise you, they can watch because it doesn’t have that much of sex scenes in there.

Hmm…but you had a trailer that’s saying otherwise? And the movie does have vivid sex scenes which won’t be palatable for family viewing. It even starts with a sex scene!



Host: Where are we going (the Ghana movie industry), which direction, where do we want to go with all this? It looks like we keep projecting…

Kobi: (cutting in) Actually it’s simple – Hollywood. Its about time, gone are the days we had clothes on the floor, we pan from the clothes to the bed where we have people having sex and the big blanket…come on, Ghana has come of age…

Come of age in what? Soft Porn? Is it the sex scene that shows that the industry has moved forward or rather gotten sleazy? Is it sex scenes that would make Hollywood check you out?



Host: How does it feel Martha, with your tongue in (the mouth of) a man you’re not going out with. I want to understand…

Martha: Okay…let me come…

Kobi: (Cutting them short before Martha could respond) I was naked with that girl.

O-k-a-y! Dude just confessed but he seemed so eager to do it!



Host: You were naked in that movie with your buttocks, I saw it!

LOL! @ the way he ephasized buttocks!


Kobi: It was acting. My character was naked with that girl in the sex act.

Duh!


Martha: If you know what she…


Host: (his attention is caught by kobbie’s statement)


Kobi: With the ‘Kiss me if you can’, the sex scene with the Farida character, we were naked…and we were doing it.




Host: You didn’t have pant on, nothing.


Kobi: Nothing. As you saw in the trailer, on youtube right now, we were naked in that scene, we had the entire crew in the room; from make-up artiste, make-up girl to costume girl to camera person to lights man…

Errmm are we to give a standing ovation to that? WTH??



Host: Is it the right way to go if you want to …talk about best productions, if you want to say, we’ve come of age. Are those the signs…?

Kobi: …It’s about telling the story fearlessly…

Host: So you think that’s a direction?

Kobi: It’s a directorial concept. If we had done it with the blankets or with the boxer shorts on, the same audience would have said, ‘Ghanaians are too fake’…

Directorial concept? Gimme a break! Is that a concept or just being plain explicit?


Host: (facing camera) Definitely you’ll need to catch them at the National theatre if you can…because they are trying to tell us that this is where we (Ghollywood) are now...

LOL! I sensed some slight sarcasm there!


Later Kobi says towards the end of the interview…

Kobi: And the message (of the movie) is simple; no matter what your ambition is, don’t stop at nothing. Go for it.

Wrong! That’s not the message of the movie. Rather it’s simply this – ‘Stay away from Jazz. It will either ruin your life or kill you!’ Haba! No be you write am?




At this point I'd like to note that this is not the only Ghanaian movie that perpetuated the act of shooting and filling up it's trailer more with explicit sex scenes. There are others which I just won't mention out of the disdain for movie makers who delight in turning a good storyline into a soft porn fest.

On the whole the movie had a good storyline with fast paced action that kept you on the edge of your seat; like an online journal put it – ‘It is an amazing trio of comedy, thriller and tragedy’. Also the dialogues in the movie were well developed and matured in nature. It wasn’t therefore a surprise to me when I gathered that it took the writer 3 years to put it together. I guess it paid off.



Still, as far as I’m concerned, the movie would still have been real good if you removed the sex scenes!



13 Screamer(s):

Timi Walks!





I stood there in the Church Auditorium, my wife with my daughter, Timi, and Tony, a friend of the family standing next to me. The Bishop was about to close the service and he usually does that with prophetic utterances.


I never take this moment for granted. It s the moment of truth; a moment for the birth of a testimony, it’s the moment God’s touch would come at full potency to act on your faith.


The Bishop began proclaiming blessings upon the congregation then in a spirit-filled moment, he asked those who had come to the church with one ailment, sickness or the other to place their hands on the afflicted part of their body.


I looked my wife, her eyes met mine and she understood and she placed her hands on little Timi’s legs.


You see…my little girl was already a year old and three months and she had not started walking. She could hold onto things around the house and walk while doing that but the moment you made her stand on her own, her little legs would begin to tremble, and she would eventually sit on the floor and resume crawling on all fours.


We were concerned about this. Most especially because other babies who were even younger than her were already walking and running about.


You could see the determination in her little face – she had a strong mind of her own, just like me, her father. She wanted to walk, but she just couldn’t do it. And you could see in her actions that she desperately wanted to move those limbs about the house. She had gained weight as she grew and was becoming quite heavy to carry for a long time. It was time she started walking.


It was time we let go and let God.


As the Bishop began to cry out prophetically, I keyed faithfully into his utterances for me (I had a slight cold) and for my daughter. Our ‘Amen’ rang out loud with each prophetic pronouncement.


When the Bishop finished, the church went into a round singing praises and thanksgiving songs. People came out to testify of their instant healings. At that time it didn’t occur to us to check out God’s touch on us. We just thanked him for performing his wonder in our lives – you see, that’s the secret of total healing. When you show appreciation to God for what he has done, he will be delighted to do more.


Later at the family home we were all relaxed with my parents discussing about family issues when my wife called my attention to Timi who was trying to walk. We took her to the end of a long corridor and made her stand on her feet. Then I called to her. She smiled and took a step, then another, and another…then she walked the whole length of the corridor.


Everybody was ecstatic. My parents sang and danced with joy, wifey was jumping up and down in awe, Tony was just grinning like a banshee in wonder.


I whipped out my camera and filmed it.



Sorry I couldn’t upload the video. My internet was acting up so I just had to upload a snapshot from the video of her walk.

I’m so ever grateful to God for this miracle. I just can’t stop thinking of the whole scene.

I still remember her as the tiny baby of yesterday. Today I'm thankful she's become a bigger and healthy little girl, and also thankful that she can WALK!

Gosh...this is definitely fatherhood blues again.

16 Screamer(s):

WACO DICO 2



Like I said in the earlier part, there's some wisdom in witty words...and sometimes stupid ones as the crazy definition I compiled over the internet continues!


OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river


OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"







PESSIMIST:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, istead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY


FATHER:
A banker provided by nature


PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead





CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present


POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later


DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you


ARGUMENT:
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but the other just hasn't realized yet.


BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early








ASSASSINATION:
Extreme form of censorship.


BABY:
A loud voice at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.


BABY-SITTER:
Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.


BACCHUS:
A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.


BACTERIA:
Rear entrance to a cafeteria.


MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!


 
 
 
 
BARTENDER:
A pharmacist with a limited inventory.


BEAUTY:
The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.


CANNIBAL:
1) Someone who is fed up with people. 2) A guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.


CAPITAL PUNISHMENT:
Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.


EDITOR:
A person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.


HIPPIE:
Someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.


HYPOCRITE:
Man who murders his parents, and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan.


CELEBRITY:
A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.






JUDGE:
Law student who marks his own examination papers.


KLEPTOMANIAC:
Someone who helps himself because he can't help himself.


LAZINESS:
The habit of resting before you get tired.

 
That's about it.
I hope I didn't make you fall off your chair and embarrass yourself at work...or at home!

9 Screamer(s):

WACO DICO 1

One thing I've come to love and appreciate about comedy is the fact that a lot of the funny jibes thrown at the audience has some wisdom or salient truth in it. The same goes for these spoof dictionary descriptions I got via email. I was so intrigued by them that I went a-searching online for more to beef up the collection. take a look for yourself and feel the outrageous wisdom of these wisecracks.


CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!




CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.


DENTIST:
A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.


DISNEYLAND:
People-trap operated by a mouse.


ACHIEVEMENT:
The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.


ADOLESCENT:
A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.


ADVICE:
What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't.


ALIMONY:
A mistake by two people, paid for by one.


AMBASSADOR:
An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.


ANONYMOUS:
The worlds most popular author.


ARCHAEOLOGIST:
Man whose career lies in ruins.


DIVORCE:
Future tense of a bad marriage


LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either


COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece


TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!


DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage


CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on


MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master






















ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before


CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read


SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life


ETC:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do


COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together


EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes


ATOM BOMB:
An invention to bring an end to all inventions


YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth




















CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught


DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip


IMPOTENCE:
Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"


INSANITY:
Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes.

11 Screamer(s):

The Funny names Nigerians give cars

Cars are amazing technological feats that litter our roads round the world today. Every passing year witnesses the debut of a new model or some incredible modification on an existing model. But I’m not here to examine car models or talk about which is the newest innovation.


I’m here to talk about the funny names Nigerians give these cars!
It’s amazing how some cars that have become popular end up getting nicknames which are usually as a result of situations surrounding them or their looks.


I took some time to gather as much as I could on the famous car models that were notorious for one thing or the other way back then and presently today.

The Honda series are usually very notorious for getting names.



‘Pure Water’
Honda Accord 1986
This dude became the people’s favorite among regular sedans in Nigeria. Each time someone thought of buying a car, this Honda was not far off from the consideration list. It became so common that Nigerians nicknamed it ‘Pure Water’ because sachet water was the most accessible commodity anywhere






‘Alla’
Honda Accord 1990
This was another favorite that continued where the 86’ model had left off. It was a heavy amongst the Hausas of northern Nigeria who were obsessed with it. This is how it came to be nicknamed ‘Alla’ because its supposedly said that when a Hausa man boasted about his Honda, he would go; ‘Na my Honda, Allah!’








‘Bulldog’

Honda Accord 1995
This ride gained its nickname because of the way its back was shaped and the way it sat on the ground – like a bulldog.







‘Baby boy’

Honda Accord 1998
The circumstances surrounding this car’s nickname is quite funny. The car sort of became popular after it was spotted in John Singleton’s film titled ‘Baby boy’ which starred Tyrese Gibson in the lead role. Tyrese is seen cruising this Honda with cute alloys in many scenes in the movie.







‘End of Discussion’
Honda Accord 2003

It was the tagline of its Ad that made this car popular as well as its Iv-Tec engine. The Ad simply said – ‘The New Honda Accord. End of Discussion.’ People loved this ride and it caught on like wildfire. However, the nickname ‘Iv-Tech’ later took over the former.








'Anaconda/Evil Spirit'
Honda Accord 2009
When this Honda came out last year, people were alarmed because it had one heck of a scary look when you first came across it, and it was BIG compared to its past models. It got its nickname from the look of its healamps which look as menacing as the notorious Anaconda snake of the amazon jungle. The evil look of the headlamps also gained it a second nickname of ‘Evil Spirit’.







'Orobo'
Toyota Camry 1992
This Toyota Camry probably marked the beginning of the ‘fattening up’ of the Camry range. Its longness and rotundness earned it the nickname ‘Orobo’ which is a Yoruba/pidgin lingo for ‘Fatso’.








'Millenium'

Toyota Camry 1998
Suddenly Toyota must have thought it was time to slim down and introduced a slimmer model that became popular in Nigeria till today. The problem is, it didn’t have any distinctive nickname. The only name I ever gathered it was called was ‘Millenium’ because it came out in the year 2000; when we entered the millennium.







'Big for nothing'

Toyota Camry 2004
The name probably came as a disdain registered by Nigerians at Toyota’s sudden decision to ‘fatten’ up the Camry again. This time it was so big and bogus that it was nobody seemed to see any use for its bigness.







'Muscle'
Toyota Camry 2007
This car turned out to be a correction over the ‘Big for nothing’ because now all the bigness was put to good use; the car had curves that accentuated its beauty and gave it a distinct look; curves people referred to as ‘muscles’. Nigerians couldn’t resist calling this beauty the ‘Toyota Muscle’.







'Beast'

Mercedes Benz 600 1995
This car was a huge monster that came out before most asian cars got into the bigness parade. It was never regarded as a regular car and was seen to eat up space. It was so massive and ugly it became rare and Nigerians just called it ‘the beast’.







'V Boot/ V Nyansh'
Mercedes Benz 300 1990
This ride caught Naija by storm. Nigerians fell head over heels in love with it. It was majestic and a beaut in its time. The design at that time was unique and its nickname, ‘V boot’, was derived from the unique shape of its boot which was later made sexy with the pidgin term ‘V Nyansh’.






COJA

BMW 325i 2001
Not all Beamers got nicknamed in their time, and not all their nicknames stayed as long as other cars. But for this model of BMW, the story is different. It was nicknamed ‘COJA’ after it was purchased for ministers and delegates at the COJA games in Abuja in 2003. The car was the official car of the event and became popular as a result back them. Today, the name has however faded.


Images courtesy:

www.wikimedia.org

www.static.cargurus.com
www.automotive.com
www.instylecars.com
www.miami.oxl.com
www.carconnection.com
www.extremesportscar.blogspot.com
www.manual-book.com


56 Screamer(s):

Of Stupid Titles and Awards




I want to be able to say I’m proud to be a Nigerian but so many people make me scared to say it!
I sat watching the NTA news some days back and was horrified to see another freak show of that silly event we call the Nigerian National Awards – where the wrong people get awarded for supposedly ‘contributing positively to Nigeria’s development’.

What a farce!

Why on earth are we honoring criminals and despots with these awards? I like the way Nnamdi Okosieme from NEXT put it:

“By contrast, many of the men and women honoured…have brought nothing but dishonour to our national image through acts of omission and commission. From those who have tried to pilfer public funds but were stopped dead in their tracks by watchful colleagues and an inquisitive media to those who attained the highest reaches of power through the unlawful overthrow of lawfully constituted governments, we have a collection of individuals who deserve nothing but censure.”

The real heroes who deserve those awards are totally forgotten. Nnamdi’s article focused more on the sports arena and that is very crucial area that has men and women who deserve the awards in plenty.

I laughed when I saw the short nollywood actor Chinedu Ikedezie of ‘Aki & Pawpaw’ fame get awarded. I was wondering what the dude had done to gain the honor, apart from acting. Maybe I’m in the dark; somebody please enlighten me. And what about his partner, pawpaw? Why leave him out? What about other veterans in the industry who have made huge impact in Nollywood? Interestingly, nigeriafilms  questions this;

“What a lot of people in Nollywood don't understand was how Chinedu made the list when several veterans who started the race before him have not even been considered for the honours.”

I ask the question; what is the point of the awards? Does it have to do with the craze Nigerians have for titles? It could be. I’ve even noticed that many award ceremonies today are usually not really awarded according to merit but are somehow ‘paid’ for.

I even got to know of one of such at my workplace. We were told to enter some of my company’s portfolio for this advertising festival awards; an award event for the advertising industry. But then, we were required to pay some money for each award entry for some undisclosed reason. Through the grapevine, I heard that the more awards you entered, the more likely, you would be ‘honored’ because your money must pay off.

I’m not against paying entry fee to be considered for an award but it’s fast becoming a money making venture rather than a merit thingy. Oh, and lets not also forget – because Nigerians like titles and awards.

Today, so called ‘eminent’ Nigerians like it when they’re names are called with their full titles. You’d hear names go like this: Chief, Dr. Mrs GoodforNothing Bigshot, MON, FFR, CFAO JP…

I came across a guy one day and asked his name and he told me his name was ‘Engineer so and so’. I almost laughed. Must you show off that you’re an engineer by making it a title? Some Architects are also guilty of this – ‘I am Architect so and so’; like I give a hoot about your title.

And then sometime ago, my church decided to ordain Pastors and Deacons on a particular day. The day came and those who were in attendance were ordained. Those who were absent missed the chance.
The next thing – the absentees started writing letters trying to get another ordination done as if it was their right. This pissed the church leaders and they had to make it clear that this was God’s work not a chieftaincy title ceremony; God does not respect titles. Being ordained a Pastor or Deacon actually meant you’re to have some responsibilities placed on you. And unlike the political arena where thieves and opportunists have the opportunity to keep getting nonsense awards and titles, church is not the place that you stay corrupt and your title remains. You are bound to be found out and relieved of the label you so much covet.

I believe that if you are a good person or a positive achiever, your name should speak for you, not your title.  Today, Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka and host of other honorable citizens are respected when their names are mentioned. Even the ‘Prof.’ before their names don’t matter as much. But once somebody is craving for a title so that he can be respected, then he’s nothing but a big joke with low self-esteem.

By acquiring all manner of useless titles and awards, you’re begging to be noticed; but by genuinely achieving something that everyone applauds you command everyone’s attention.

Wisdom lets us understand that you don’t demand respect, you command it. 

More on the rubbish awards here 

16 Screamer(s):

Spitting Image?


Ever since my daughter was born, there has always been the argument of whom she bares a striking resemblance to. At a time she looked like my Dad whenever she sulked; at another time she looked like my Mum; especially when she sprouted gapped teeth (my Mum is gap toothed). Then one of the days I was giving her a bath I noticed her ass looked just like my wife’s. I can’t forget the look on her face when I told her; she had been whining that the girl didn’t resemble her much but I tried to comfort that at least she’s got your ass.



Then one day I came across my baby photos and I couldn’t help noticing that my baby and I looked kinda alike…amazing. Or what do you think?


Daddy's Baby Girl




Daddy's Baby Self

22 Screamer(s):

Happy Birthday Standtall!!

A force for the women amongst men...a celebration amongst geniuses...
a voice that cries out for the sake of the feminine gender
She never forgets my birthday...why should I forget hers?


HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my paddy Standtall!!
Remember those days in OAU?

15 Screamer(s):

By their smells you shall know them…




It’s amazing how the smell or scent coming from a person can create a strong perception of that person. It doesn’t matter where it’s emanating from. As long as you can perceive a certain smell when the person happens to pass by, it can end up shaping your thoughts or opinions towards him or her.




But then I’d like to categorize smells. There are two divisions; the scent and the stink.

Simply put, the scent is the pleasant one while the stink is the disgusting or unpleasant one. And when I think of it, I now understand the important role perfumes and deodorants play in our lives.



When a good perfume or deodorant hits your nose coming from a person, there’s this kind of high regard for the person, especially if it’s someone you’re meeting for the first time or someone who is always wearing perfumes in your office. Your regard may be that of respect for the person’s choice of scent, class of choice, or the person’s realization of the need to smell good.



But just as a good scent can create a good perception, a serious stink can kill it; especially if the person is what I call a ‘smell paradox.’


I’ve come across ‘smell paradoxes’ and it was a disheartening experience because the persons in questions had the good works – looks, poise, dress sense and all.

And what’s the smell paradox? Having a scent and a stink at the same time!

They wore a nice perfume or deodorant but forgot to take care of their breath, reeking feet, etc. Sometimes it’s not deliberate. I have female friends who love to eat good stuff (you know how some ladies can be sweet tooths with all the craving for chocolate and sweet junk) but they fail to realize that after eating these things, sediments get stuck in their mouths and in a short while begins to smell badly. Thus the lady comes around you and you sniff her scent with pleasure but when she opens her mouth to speak, you hold your breath in hidden disgust!

Don’t get me wrong, guys are not excluded in this case. They are most times guilty of the stink.

These are the accidental stinks. Then there are the permanent ones which range from bad body odour to halitosis. Permit me not to go there as long as there are prescribed remedies to right those.


I think it makes sense if one tries to control his smells and ensure they don’t go out of control – like a brother-in-law of mine whom I always chastise to stop wearing the same boxers for more than a day because he generates a stink in them that can make your skin cringe. Or taking time to drink enough water or rinse your mouth properly (with water and not soft drink!) after consuming a heavy meal of ‘fufu’ and ‘ogbono’ soup or wolfing down a box of chocolates or exotic snacks. And what about the individual that sweats a lot? Be sure to control your hygiene or you end up smelling like ‘stale palm wine’ or something rotten.



I remember back in the University when I was in my second year. I was in my room with my roommates when there was a knock on the door. We responded and two ladies came in to preach the gospel of salvation to us. They would have made so much sense that day if not for the stink. I didn’t identify it on time since different smells were in the air till they left and one of my roomies raised the issue.



‘Guys…did you notice the smell when those ladies came here?’



We acknowledged that there had been a smell. He dropped the bomb.



‘That my friends…was the smell of p***y!’



We were shocked and all manner of speculations started flying as my roomies began to suggest maybe the lady who brought the stink was dirty, or had just had sex before coming to preach. To cut the story short, we ended up discussing about stinking private parts and hygiene rather than the message brought before us.



I guess a stink can do a lot of damage.



There was a time we had a pretty lady join our office as contract staff. She came all the way from the USA and was foreign accented such that the only way you could know she was Nigerian was by her name. She was a classy dresser, used nice jewelry and perfume – good scent which made me have a high perception of her as a person…until the day I was about to use the toilet and she stepped out after use. I stepped in and ran out again, almost choking.



Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying fine chicks no dey shit. This was just a case of accidental stink and to make matters worse, her ‘load’ smeared the inside of the water closet. I wonder how she perched to achieve that.

Other chicks in the office use the toilet but many of them leave behind a fragrance that makes you worry less that a shit episode just took place there. Maybe they take their perfumes with them and apply and freshen up after doing the business. I don’t know how they do it. But Missy here didn’t. She left the place stinking to high heavens.

And as for the men, forget them. They’ll mess up toilets with gas and crap anytime, any day.

I try not to leave a bad impression when I do the doodoo. I carry my own handwash and an air freshener spray if I have one. If I don’t, I reserve the business till the end of the day – except it’s a serious emergency.



Better to leave a scent behind than a stink. Trust me…first impression may last long, but a stink impression lasts longer.

16 Screamer(s):