Driving in Lagos 101

Every Nigerian who's ever lived in Lagos knows the streets and motorists are CRAZY. So I got this hilarious list some time back which I never remembered to post. Well...the holiday season seems like a good time for this to be put up! Get educated...and LOL your head off.




 


 
1. When in doubt, accelerate!


2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)


3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10


4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)





5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.


6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque


7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes


8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.


9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.


10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!


11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).



12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.


13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.


14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)





15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.


16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.


17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.


18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.





19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.


20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.


21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.


22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.




23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.


24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.


25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!


26. HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.


27. Don't take everything on this list too seriously!






Images Sources
Toonpool.com
Jamaicanpolice.com
Davegranlund.com
nigeriaplus.com
cartoonaday.com


6 Screamer(s):

Myne Whitman said...

Hilarious! Especially the horning bit, lol...

Compliments of the season to you.

Afronuts said...

@Myne lol...That part really happens a lot. Compliments of the season to you too Myne!

Okeoghene said...

Hahahaha Everything here is true o. I remember when 3 happened to me. I settled at the spot o. I didnt even allow the guy call his "supervisor". I also love the horning bit

Ugandan girl said...

haha - horning ...anyday anytime...am loving this..

My ma lives by rule 15..

I look forward to driving in Lagos...

:-))

Auto Rose said...

Hahahahaha, my Dad woke me up complaining that i bumped his car last night, some crazy boda boda(okada) dude bumped me an run off! and here i was thinking Ugandan driving was the worst! Happy new year!

Paul Simmons said...

I like your car-related blog posts... you have to do more of them!!!