Signs of the times 8: Weird Naija Church Banners [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, January 18, 2014

 We are definitely in the end times and it is not only determined by the amount of perverted stuff going on in the entertainment industry or political arena but also by what's happening in today's churches.

In the wake of this I think it would make sense to read blogger Atilola's interesting post titled '10 signs that your church is actually a cult'. Its an eye opener for those who may not easily notice the signs. 

That's the creepy aspect. The funny aspect is the nature of crusades or services being advertised  on banners these days....it makes one wonder if its a joke or if its for real. 

Check out these collection of banners from different local ministries.

Reader reader on my blog wall...which is the weirdest of them all?

Randoms: Skuki's nonsense video, The Magnus Abe Deception, Afrocandy's movie flop, Kola Boof goofs, Phyno's baby mama wahala, MTN's issues

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, January 16, 2014

That sick duo called Skuki have come out with a rotten music video titled 'Silifa' which is nothing but a 'bakassi' shake-fest.

Lyrics nko? Dirty explicitly suggestive lyrics that ref nothing but sex all through. Apparently these guys have nothing to sing about anymore.

Yes...that's a woman's behind not a piece of rock.
I don't want to imagine how the camera was positioned!

They carried themselves off to South Africa to go and gather a bunch of ladies (or was it just one lady?) with big behinds - one of which look like it has been enhanced with numerous butt injections - to come frolick about in their video. 

Unless NBC is as blind as a bat, it is something that must end up getting banned.

Skuki and video vixen...using nyansh to market tasteless music with lewd lyrics

Ahn ahn! There was just nothing but 'nyansh' all over the place. Clarence Peters who directed the video had the tenacity to film a massive shaking butt in slow-mo. That was just plain heartless and tasteless.

It seems Skuki is struggling to stay relevant on the music scene and are desperate about it...even if it meant shooting risque videos and singing filthy songs. 

Unfortuantely it only proves one thing - they won't last; they will soon fade...like Bigiano.

Err...Please don't ask me who Bigiano is...

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We heard the news of Police firing rubber bullets at a rally and Senator Magnus Ibe getting shot.
The news carried videos of the senator lying on a bed recieving treatment at the Kelsey Harrison Hospital, Port Harcourt after the incident.
He looked more like someone recieving treatment for malaria rather than the victim of a gunshot wound. I was skeptical about the report; it sounded bogus and exaggerated and got me doubting the level of seriousness of the incident.

Then we hear of the senator being flown abroad for treatment....

What???

For common rubber bullet injury? This people must think all Nigerians are downright stupid. According to an interesting report;

There was also no physical injury or scratch suggesting a bullet hit. Caught in their own web of self-deceit and precarious falsehood, the propaganda stunt changed to sustaining serious internal injury which required cardiac operation to clear the clot of blood in one of his heart's ventricles.The state government is yet to disclose its reasons for disregarding a specialist hospital of Kesley Harrison status that has earned so much praises for Gov Amaechi as one of its kind in Africa yet it could not attend to  a mere 'rubber bullet' hit victim as claimed by same government.

There are many loopholes in the story sef...the police are claiming that its a lie, that they never fired any rubber bullets at anyone.
This is no doubt a propaganda or a dramatised event...for what purpose was this?

Is this really a hospital?

And was I pissed to see blogs reporting and pasting a picture of Tinubu's visit to Senator Magnus Abe at a Hospital in London as if it was a legit story.

For all I care the London hospital picture could also be a fake.

These politicians should stop screwing with us...haba!

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And Afrocandy is angry because marketers are spoiling market for her 'mojo' titled 'Destructive Instinct'.

Nice.

Somebody's prayer that her soft-porn production shouldn't circulate in Naija, is being answered!

But seriously, is it really because the marketers inflated the price from N300 to N500 or N1000 that the movie did not sell?

I don''t believe that.

There's more to it than that. She probably wouldn't know how Naija market moves...how many films she don shoot and successfully market for this country?

If you siddon for US come dey send Alaba or Idumota boys to sell your films, they will rip you off and cash in on your ignorance big time.

And then...maybe people are not buying the film because its crap and its dirty content of sex doesn't make a difference.

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The first time I saw and listened to Kola Boof talk, only one thing came to my mind - She no normal at all.
And when I saw her barrage of tweets following the anti-gay law passed in Naija, I had to put of seal on it that she's totally loco...and dangerous.
Or how do you describe a woman who advocates genocide for anybody who's a Christian?
Check out these insane tweets...

I'm not sure where that tweet is but I think she must have insulted islam at one time and had a 'Fatwa' pronounced on her head.

Na wah oh...the liberty to write fit put person for trouble but this crazy woman doesn't give a hoot as she curses and blocks out people who do not agree with her sentiments. 

But seriously...wetin concern oyinbo man with our way of life? Them get law wey dey send person wey marry more than one wife to jail, we no talk. We pass law wey no allow homos to marry, dem blow kasala. They should leave us alone! Naija no be small pikin.

Wait oh...I said 'oyinbo' right? This woman is not even oyinbo...she's a migrant from Africa, an akata claiming to fight for black women, a black race advocate...but our black race culture for Naija does not condone man on man relationship nah.

She should stop sipping on pointless kool aid and quit insulting Nigerians abeg.
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Is the act of becoming a celebrity's baby mama the latest fad now? 

Yes I think so.

But one chick refuses to 'join chorus' after getting pregnant for a celebrity.

Phyno...that yellow igbo boy that looks like an albino cockrel with that im hairstyle don give pesin belle and he's okay with it and wants the baby.
But the girl wey carry the belle, one upcoming artiste called Rita Edmond (?) does not want the pregnancy and wants to abort it.
The two are said to go far back as 6 years in Enugu. The girl feels the pregnancy will scatter her music career and doesn't want to keep it.

That's the story...but I'm not so sure how truthfully accurate it is.

Phyno wants to keep the baby without any marital committment as reported...oh yeah, he's in on the fad of keeping baby mamas. I wonder what his plans are on the number of illegal pikins he wants to scatter around.

He was with the chick for six years? And it was reported that she even helped him out when he was struggling? 

Why can't he marry the chick? Abi he's still a small boy? How old is he sef?
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Please can somebody tell me if something is happening to MTN Nigeria...?

Okay, first I had a visit from a friend who works there and she tells me they are laying people off. 

Then some of my friends that use the network are pissed at MTN's 'stinginess' (This is actually derived from the fact that MTN is not giving freebies as much as the other networks - airtel, etisalat...I'm not sure of Glo though). Some (including wifey) are already contemplating porting to other networks.

Then again there is the issue of MTN recharge cards now costing more - for a N200 worth of recharge, you have to pay N220!

Is there something wrong with MTN?

Someone I know speculated that it must probably be because they had spent so much money during the anniversary that its affecting business afterwards.
But that's just a speculation, not the true story. I can't even see myself considering the thought of buying an MTN SIM package with all I'm seeing.

So MTN...please tell us...what happen???

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I need to get off the randoms and start doing my proper writing...lol.

Nice week y'all!

Photo of the Day: Exquisite Wedding IV

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, January 11, 2014

Wedding invitations are now getting creative in all manner of ways like the one in this picture which I got from my brother in-law. It was for a high profile wedding which included celebrities of all sorts from Political to entertainment. Funke Akindele was the MC of the event and it was all strictly by invitation. 

The IV came in a beautiful casing like the one used to hold exquisite necklaces.The wedding was between the daughter of a former Oga of Globacom; one of Mike Adenuga's right hand men and some guy from an equally wealthy family. (Sounds like arrangee wedding).

 Na wah oh...see money in action....my own wedding IV na pali we take do am. This one na glass!

Flashback Fridays: Can You Figure out who these famous people are? [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, January 10, 2014

Here are a bunch of old school photos of prominent Nigerians.

Can you figure out who's the are?

There's a gift for the first person who gets them all.

If you are in Naija, you get a gift of free airtime from me, if you're abroad, you'll get something else...

Pix 1

Pix 2

Pix 3

Pix 4

Pix 5

Pix 6
(arrowed)

Pix 7

Pix 8
(arrowed)

Don't forget to name them in the order which they appear!

I'll be giving the answers in the comment section later after I've given enough time.

Good luck!

Randoms: Chika's 'expensive' lodging, Oduah's baroof CV, Jen Selter's Nyansh, Juju Bank...and more

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Its another wednesday and time for another set of random bablings analysing news flying about all over the place.

I've been wanting to rest on putting up random posts but it seems its becoming an addiction of some sort...lol.

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Abeg people...what is the criteria of judging a woman's behind as 'the best butt'? 

I ask this question because one Jen Selter has been ajudged as the woman with the 'best butt' on instagram.

Err....wey the nyansh?

According to reports, Jen started posting photos of her 'nyansh' on Instagram in March 2012. At that time, she was attending school and as time progressed people started liking her a lot online and her followers increased. And then I hear that even American-Barbados artiste Rihanna is one of her followers. When the followership hit 1.3 million, she fashied school and decided to focus on promoting her 'nyansh' online as it has become a money making venture from spokesmodel gigs. She believes she can earn more on it than as a graduate.

I still see nuthin from this angle either...

It may be true but e go last? I don't know how it is raking in serious money but dumping school to promote an ass that has a biological expiry date is probably the most retarded idea I've ever heard.

I took a look at her photos and was disapointed...there was just nothing spectacular about her butt. There are dozens of Naija women who have more awesome derrieres over here! Maybe they should try promoting theirs to make some extra cash too shey?

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Stella Oduah should seriously go for special prayers of deliverance because it seems wicked people from her village are out to finish her.

Haba!

The smoke over car scandal and laundered money never finish and all of a sudden an 'amebo' revelation that she has an 'Oluwole' degree has surfaced! Sahara reporters who carried the news have seriously burnt Oduah's cable with a powerful blowtorch.

One would have expected Stella to come up with a defense on the matter but the next thing that happened within 48 hours raises eyebrows...all her online data reflecting her CV suddenly undergoes amendment (like Naija's epileptic constitution) and the alleged fake qualification disappears!

See online arrangee...

But this woman has suffered oh. Why did she have to be the ultimate scapegoat? After all she's not the only corrupt person in leadership with fake qualification; there are loads of them all over the place in government offices. Naija leadership is full of people with 'toronto' degrees, baroof titles and even fake ages. 

Na today?

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Some days ago, news went round that Chika Ike spent the night in the world's most expensive hotel in Dubai which offers as much as N810,000 for an overnight lodging.

The actress uploaded photos online to sort of corroborate the story.

Hurray! Chika dey flenjour for fine hotel

To God be the glory...not many people fit siddon for here.

Opportunity to borrow dinning table space to snap foto?
Abi wey the food?

This one na bedroom inside most expensive hotel?
Nice paper bag display...she dey collect am or dey take am pose?

I wanted to believe her story but I found myself doubting its authenticity for a number of reasons:

1. She spent time snapping about the lobbies and lounges of the hotel which anybody visiting the place could have done without spending the night and paying shishi.

2. She snapped a photo where she sat at a dinner table of a restaurant but there was no food served. Anybody could just do that...sit at an empty table and take snapshots. Why she no order food? Too expensive?

3. The photo of the bedroom she lodged in didn't look like something from an expensive Dubai hotel talk less of the most expensive. I've lodged in hotels with finer bedrooms in Lagos. And what's with all the deliberate display of shopping bags? She wants us to believe she went shopping in all those places? Why didn't she display what was in those bags nah?

I know how people can use photos to fool others...Chika's photos are suspiciously reminiscent of that.

My conclusion? True, she went to Dubai...did some sight-seeing and photo snapping at the expensive hotel but lodged at some other cheap hotel.

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I remember when I was travelling to Ilesa some years back along the Lagos-Ibadan express way in my Nissan Primera. I was suddenly overtaken by a Honda Pilot SUV and discovered it was a senior colleague from work also on a trip to the South. The way he overtook on high speed alarmed me, not because he was speeding but because he was doing it in an SUV.

SUVs (Sports Utility Vehicle) are not designed for over-speeding because they are susceptible to easily overturning on high speed. People need to really understand that SUVs are specialized vehicles and should not be driven like sports cars. They are designed for conquering rough terrains (which is understandable when it comes to roads with terrible potholes) but not very safe on high speed. 

The terrible accident that happened on Tuesday on the Third mainland bridge should be a staunch warning to people who drive SUVs.

The accident occurred when the Black Toyota Prado which was on high speed lost control and somersaulted. It claimed the life of one person out of the two inside the vehicle. From the picture of the accident scene, one can imagine the magnitude of the somersaulting that ended up on the culvert dividing the lanes.

Oh...and as reported by some blogs, its not 3 people who died in the vehicle but 1 out of 2. The victims were Staff of Access Bank.

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Maheeda will never stop appearing in the news for the sick reasons. She made a statement about her nude and scantily-dressed pictures in an interview that raised my eyebrow.

‘My daughter is not even aware these unclad pictures exist even though she has seen pictures of me in bikini. She is not even allowed access to the social media’

Maheeda however says when her daughter turns 18, ‘she can decide what she wants’.

‘I am 31 and I had my daughter when I was 17. I do not think this is going to affect her in any way. If my mother did something like this; there is no way it would have affected me’, she explained.
‘Even if she gets to view them eventually, it’s not going to mean anything to her because she has the European mentality’.
‘I am married and my husband is Dutch. What I am doing is not alien to him or his family and he understands. He just laughs whenever he comes across any of my pictures. It’s in Africa that we attach much importance to such things and consider it sacrilegious’.

Abeg...which kain lie be this one? It won't affect your pikin shey? Imagine her in school and people make references to her 'loose' mama and joke about it. 

It won't affect her shey?

Imagine guys trying to hook up with her daughter for the wrong reasons hoping that it will be a case of 'like mother, like daughter'

It won't affect her shey?

And she says her daughter is not allowed on social media and would never get to see them. She doesn't know kids of nowadays...please tell me how she wan take block her pikin eyes from seeing those pictures that are almost everywhere?

Forget say hubby understand....that's BS and lame excuse. That day is coming when una go megamisunderstand.

Maheeda, keep fooling thyself, you hear? One day the truth will be too bitter for you to swallow.

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Between Linda Ikeji and Yvonne Nelson, someone is lying.

Who?

It all started when Linda posted the news of Yvonne and Iyanya starring in the same movie and Yvonne denied it in a tweet.

Who's telling the truth?

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Linda Ikeji has unofficially declared that she supports transgenders.

I came across a post on her blog where she displayed photos of Nigerian transgender called Miss Sahhara.

This one na man before? Hian!
Biological abomination...endorsed by Linda Ikeji

If she had just shown us the photo only for people to conclude their comments, then it would have been nothing but at the end of the different picture displays she drops this line - 'Work it girl :-)' (smiley as included).

Work wetin? So she approves of this...I don't even know whether to call this creature a 'he' or 'she', I guess I go just call am 'it'.

Linda definitely must be pro-transgender...abi what was the smiley for?

That used to be a man for goodness sake...uugh 

*shivers running down my spine*

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Oooh...looks like a scene from a badly produced Nollywood flick

Finally, I'm still trying to stifle my laughter from this weird news of a First Bank brank in Uyo, Akwa Ibom, that was shut down because of Juju.

According to a report, the building which is said to be owned by Joesco Group of Companies houses  the bank which is regarded as the most patronized bank in Akwa Ibom State.

Whoever is responsible for the traditional injunction is still unknown but there are insinuations that maybe there's a problem between the owners of the property and the bank or an aggrieved customer/staff of the bank versus the branch's management.

Na wa oh...person carry juju enter bank premises...hian! This can only happen in Akwa Ibom. Come try am for Lagos...you go see say people get 'odechi' or Jesus. 

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And that's the random for this week...Gosh, what a long post 

Have a nice week.

Much Ado About Basketmouth's 'Controversial' Joke

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, January 06, 2014

The life of a celebrity is definitely not a bed of roses as many think. Everything you you do is basically in the limelight and you dare not misbehave, misyarn or do something that can stir controversy; one step in any of those directions will not only have tabloids after you but social media, blogs and enraged fans cyber-hacking your butt for making an error.

Ace comedian Basketmouth recently went under fire because of a so-called 'costly joke' he made on Facebook. I was intrigued by the news of him being attacked on social media over a bad joke because Basketmouth is not known to frequently end up on the bad side of the media; I've always seen him as one of the most careful celebrities who takes care not to get into some scandal or media rubbish. 

After reading the joke it got me wondering; na the first time people dey read this kind joke? The joke was not a new thing and I've read something similar from some other comedian. Besides, whenever did a joke become an advice? This is not the first of its kind. Basketmouth is what I call a 'social realist comedian' - that is, a comedian who paints true life happenings in hilarious manner. While laughing at the humor of the joke, you also grab a fact or two. 

The so-called 'costly joke'

Rather than bicker about the tragedy in the joke, I expected people to laugh, learn and realise that this is very much a startling reality that should make every woman be cautious with any boyfriend she's dating. The joke juxtaposed what usually happened in the dating scenario between two different races and he was VERY REAL about it.

Basketmouth eventually apologized on twitter (a very matured and commendable move for the sake of image) but I love what twitter user @now_PokerFaced said on the issue in his/her tweets below:

People should take time to think before they go all out and blast any comedian over a joke. A joke is a means of creating a lighter mood over serious issues and are not meant to be taken seriously. What about the jokes where comedians make direct fun of audience or other celebrities? There is a silent mantra that everything  said should never be taken seriously (Some comedians -including Basketmouth, always reiterate this). If we should be attacking jokes this way, then majority of the Akpos jokes, and Naija tribal lampoon jokes on the internet used by other comedians (either real or parodied) should be taken seriously, abi? 

People should wake up and stop making a Tsunami out of a drop of water, biko!

First things first....

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, January 06, 2014

I am officially starting the first post on the blog again 

for this new year. 

This is year is loaded...I can feel it.

Compliments of the year to you all!