Signs of the Times 4 [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 31, 2012

I have been wondering what post I'd like to end this year with. It wouldn't be a bad idea to end the year with laughter so I decided to do another list of 'Signs of the Times'. I have a lot of other hilarious photo lists I would have done but I had to do the ini mini miny mo thing to choose and this list won. Like I always say, everywhere around us, there's something waiting to make us laugh, be it a badly constructed grammar, a ridiculous idea or a weird scenario.

Big thanks to Omolola Odoyi who sent in some of the pictures.

Writings like these appear most time on houses that someone
had attempted to sell illegally without owner's approval.
Imagine this village hut in that situation.

I guess the shit is not for sale too...since this looks like a ghetto bath and pit latrine.

Is the food here as cheap as the name suggests?

Wow...Harvard has a satellite campus in Naija...abi na high school?

This weird name...sounds like a quickie

The desperation to sell Suya is so evident in this signboard...
I hope they aren't trying pass off dog meat for cow meat.

Is Agbani Darego aware of this?

Assaulted meat? Can this be considered a violation of  animal rights?

Naija people...they even drop curses on signboards.

Too much corruption in the Nigerian police force is affecting their grammar.

I never knew Sony products were capable of having erections...

Enh...hell hath no fury than a wife scorned oh!

Now that's just plain heartless...haba!

I'm not a football fan yet I know these football teams
have just suffered defamation of character on this board!

This should make Wizkid proud...or embarrassed.

I'm confused. Is that really what they do at a dental clinic? 

Please translate this to proper English if you dare.

Seriously...I actually thought it was a barbing salon!

 Nowadays some churches get so overly creative in the kinds of posters they put up for programs. They do end up being creative...at the cost of splitting your sides with laughter.

E be like say 'koboko' is trending.

Talk about stating the obvious...that you aint a 419...yeah right!

Never heard of it. Is it a prehistoric animal?

*Eyes nearly popping out of sockets*
Na which school this come from?

Davido will be proud when he see this...or embarrassed.

Can you spot what's so funny about this banner?

We go wait tire!

Designer impostor!

Hmm...I thought I knew the name of this car but this pix seems to prove me wrong.

Have an awesome cross over y'all!

See you in the New Year!

Santa Clause or Satan Clause? [Photo]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 24, 2012

I know Santa Clause usually scares the living shit out of many kids but this one is truly justified. 

Meet Naija Santa Clause from NTA, Aba, Christmas grotto!

A Merry Christmas to you all that read The Kush Chronicles!

Know the True Role Models by Their Tweets

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 24, 2012

I’ve always felt that looking for Celebrities that are true role models can be like looking for a needle in a Haystack. It’s not because they are rare, but rather because many bad role models are also masquerading as good role models and many of us know that they are just PR moves to paint them in a good name.

So how can we go about sifting the real good role models from the fake ones? I’ve come to discover that one of such ways of finding out is via a particular social media. If you think I’m talking about Facebook then you’ve got it wrong. I’m talking about Twitter!

Twitter as many of us all know is the official ‘amebo’ or ‘Olofofo’ of personal lives and happenstances. The good thing is that it’s the users that expose themselves, not some online paparazzi. We have seen the Twit fights, the scandals, the instant reports coming from personal encounters or instant coverage.

If you really want to know the mindset or personality of any celebrity, visiting their Twitter page and checking out their timeline and convos with their followers or friends can tell you a lot about them (that is if you are good at psychoanalyzing). Also you need to be mindful of fake twitter accounts parading as celebrities.

I’m careful about who I follow on Twitter. There are just too many accounts that are just pointless to follow. I keep following and unfollowing people as I further discover their true nature according to Twitter.

Foremost Nigerian Comedian Ali Baba GCFR (he really deserves that title!), one of Nigeria’s pioneers of standup comedy is somebody I wholesomely follow on Twitter.  This is one of the very few celebrities that actually stand out as a good role model.

I was going through my tweets last week when I came across this tweet from someone that used to be his follower.

I scrolled through the dude’s tweets and saw what picture Ali Baba was referring to. It was this picture of a man performing oral sex on a woman.

Sorry, I had to censor the pic.

You can’t say you want to follow a responsible minded celebrity when you tweet porn photos without batting an eye.

While other celebrities may joke about it, be indifferent or retweet it like one other shameless comedian I’ve seen do it a number of times on twitter. Or like Cossy Orjiakor who seems to endorse ‘aristo-ism’ by retweeting a tweet that labeled her as Queen of the wayward girls. 

 Ali Baba chose to make a point about where his opinion stood on such things.  So if your mind is full of sh*t (excuse my French), don’t even expect a follow back from him.

Now that’s a celebrity worth following; a true role model.

The Proposal - Starring Vera & Seun

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, December 21, 2012

I've seen a lot of movies where you come to that scenario where the guy is about to propose when the lady least expects it. She's suddenly caught unawares and bursts into tears of joy as the man brings out the ring and she finally realizes what's going on.

Yes. That's what happens in the movies...but it also happens in real life.

Vera & Seun

Recently, a fellow blogger, Verastic, got engaged to the man of her dreams (I know he's the man of her dreams because of the way she blogs about him on her site) in a way that looks like a romantic movie scenario come to life on the 2nd of December. I'll give it up to Olu Adewunmi of Lynksdrivers, he did a good job of catching the whole show on video in such a way that it almost looked like a movie was unfolding. The music choice was so apt I could almost imagine it was Seun, Vera's fiance that was rapping with Vera doing the singing...oh, it was M.I.'s 'Whether na 1 Naira'. I must say, I didn't realize how good that song really was until I heard it in this video...the power of strong visuals shey.

Congratulations Vera on your engagement; it's not that easy finding someone who you can spend the rest of your life with but you did the right thing when you saw that this guy was one, you held onto him till he couldn't resist the urge to spend the rest of his life with you. Many women have met the right man but still passed them by, thank God yours was not the case.

I just went through the year timelines on my blog and realized that I've known Vera online for 5 years via her blog. She's managed to stay online when many other bloggers have given up on blogging and also maintained her periodic online radio show. I remember I once did a review on her blog before she moved it from blogger to Wordpress. Click here to view the review. She really did improve on the blog after the review.

Watching Vera's proposal video was interesting because it had a play on Vera's friends (she happens to have matured and descent folk around her) and I took time to do a commentary on some her friends from what they said or how they acted in the video...lol...this is beginning to look like a movie. Here goes...

This lady obviously loves Vera with a passion. She sounds like the type of friend who prays with you and for  you when you're going through trying times; a friend that's eager to see you settle down with the right man. You can see her excitement that Vera finally made the first step into matrimony.

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This is another person that cares about Vera and is excited about them all being in the same club of people who have committed to one man for life. She is able to relate very well with what's going on because she was once single but now mingled. She sounds like one who has been a watchdog friend on Vera's status. Her man just smiles, sort of blushes and says nothing. Sweet couple.

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This one is a no-nonsense lady. She made an emphatic statement that shows she's a woman that's very protective of her man - "Congrats! Now you have your own man, you need to stop texting mine." Hey, she's not wrong, in fact she sounds like my own wife!

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She's happy for them and seems to be really close to the couple

 with the way she excitedly blows that kiss and says "Love you guys!" 

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He's the well spoken analytical friend who analysed the event. He cuts the picture of someone who'd be a good speaker before a listening audience. He had so much to say but I guess there was limited time. He'd make a good spin doctor or a damage control specialist.

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This is probably the most touching scene for me. This friend actually prays for the couple; she goes the spiritual route which I believe is what every couple needs - God's covering over their relationship. And from the way she delivers it, you can sense that she means it from the depth of her heart.
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There were other commenters in the video but I picked these ones because they sort of stuck out for me and also because I don't want to end up making an extra long post. I think I've done enough justice.

You can catch the full story of the proposal in pictures here and here.

Congrats again Vera dear! I wish you both the very best!

The Trending Business of Kidnapping

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 17, 2012

Sometime in 2010, I travelled with the family to Warri, Delta State for vacation with an Uncle who worked with one of the oil companies situated in the region. They had initially been based in Port Harcourt but had to relocate due to problems with Militants and series of oil worker abductions taking place then. Later the imbroglio with Militants subsided and wanton kidnappings began. My cousin, Lola, informed us then that they were  wary about staying in Port Harcourt because kidnapping had become the order of the day. At that time, Warri turned out to be the safer place to be located, but now, the tides seem to have changed; the long arm of kidnappers seem to have pervaded everywhere in the eastern region.

As at the time when we visited the region, kidnappings seem to happen at random to anybody. Today, it happens to specifically targeted celebrities or supposedly wealthy personalities as we can see in the case of Okonjo-Iweala's mum, Nkiru Sylvanus, ESUT Vice-Chancellor amongst others. Recently one of our bloggers Sisi Yemmie's mother was also kidnapped a few days ago.

A friend of mine who's half-caste cousin was getting married to a white man told me of how the father of the bride had to lodge the family of the groom (who all flew in from the US) in a hotel next door to them. Part of the wall separating them from the hotel was pulled down to make a passageway between the hotel and bride's family's residence. Aides and cooks were assigned to attend them for any of their needs so that they never need to leave the Hotel except for the traditional and white wedding as well as the reception. This was all in bid to make sure the white folks were kept from the prying eyes of people outside and potential kidnappers. The security was so well planned that the white folks had a nice time and looked forward to it again after their return.

The scourge of kidnapping has become a menace in the society but surprisingly its more geared towards making money instead of towards a cause as we had in the days of the militants. I gathered info from somebody that some kidnapping kingpins ran it as a business and had farms or hideouts in the villages where they could keep their victims away before the ransom is delivered.

Worse is the fact that kidnapping is also being hatched among family members against another family member; there was a time Channels Television carried the report of a guy who was arrested along with his accomplices who were planning to kidnap a relative of his in order to demand ransom and make some cash. I was shocked when the news cam on; I thought such things only happened in Nollywood movies.

The reality of this menace at this time is creating a panic amongst the Nigerian populace; most especially the middle to the upper class; it calls for us all to be wary. Anybody could be a potential kidnapper, even your own blood. But I guess the best way to pinpoint that would be to be observant of any member of one's family who is living on the fast lane or fond of getting into unscrupulous acts. Last month, two guys were caught in my neighbourhood and accused of armed robbery; they were almost lynched and burnt to death till someone intervened for them to be taken to police station. It was discovered that one of them was the brother of a renown former football player who lived in the neighbourhood! It was shocking because no one ever thought he would descend to the level of armed robbery. Okay, this was about armed robbery but it boils down to the same fact that someone you know could be the kidnapper or robber you want to stay away from.

The kidnapping business seems to be raking in serious dough as some notorious kidnappers were known to have amassed wealth via the unwholesome crime. There was at one time reports of the Anambra State Government demolishing mansions and buildings that had been built by kidnappers; it was all in bid to fight the crime of kidnapping and other crimes.

Anambra State Governor, Peter Obi, supervising
the demolistion of a kidnapper's mansion back in October

Overtime, people behind kidnapping have changed from being exclusively Niger Delta militants to dodgy elements from different walks of life - armed robbers, unemployed, professional 419ers, and at least one Catholic priest. Nowadays, more elements are joining the throng, the most shocking being policemen.
Aside from the arrested policemen connected with Okonjo Iweala's Mum's kidnapping, there are several other incidents which involved cops.

There was the story of a kidnapper who was caught and upon interrogation, the culprit gave away details that would incriminate some policemen. Immediately he was taken to the backyard and executed so that nothing would leak to any higher authority.  This is really frightening because the force which is expected to protect the people has some bad eggs launching into the somewhat 'lucrative business' of kidnapping. So who can one trust now? I guess the only person to trust is God.

I hope we don't end up holding a world record in the kidnapping business.

It is well with Nigeria!

Images courtesy:

www.nairaland.com

www.vanguardngr.com

Nigeria has the 5th Sexiest Accent Worldwide

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, December 14, 2012

For those of you Nigerians who like to fake your accents and form 'phonetics', you may actually be wasting your time. CNN went a-searching for the world's sexiest accents and you'll be surprised to discover that the Nigerian accent ranks number 5 amongst the top 12 sexiest accents that speak the English language!

It’s estimated that there are nearly 7,000 languages on earth. That’s nearly 7,000 different accents that the English language has to be processed through. The English language from time has been a prostituting language in that it has a history of coming into existence as a result of borrowing from other languages to form its own body as a whole.

So here's a summary of the countdown of the top 12: 

12. Argentine - cultivated by a mixture Spanish, Italian and German which gives it a 'pouty tone' was ranked 12th and was described as sounding like 'a tightly tuned guitar of G-strings strummed by a lamb shank' (Whatever that is!)

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11. Thai - which is said to be monosyllabic in nature and fond of playing extra beat and emphasis on foreign words was ranked 11th and described as sounding like an 'R-rated Karaoke' (WTH?)

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10. Trinidadian - which is the brainchild of a melodic combination of Pan-African, French, Spanish, Creole, and Hindi dialects (wow!) came in at 10th and is said to sound like 'a rubber life raft bobbing on a sea of steel drums' (Really? That's what a Nikki Minaj sounds like?)

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9. Brazilian Portuguese - which beats its European counterpart due to a more colorful, puerile and flirty nature, picked up the 9th position and was described as 'The near, then far, then near again hum of a low-wattage vacuum cleaner that runs on dance sweat' (Na wah oh! Which kain description be this?)

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8. U.S Southern - notorious for its drawls and hurriedness is 8th on the list is described as sounding like  'Molasses taking a smoking break' (Huh? Forgive my sudden bushness but wetin be 'Molasses'?)

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7. Oxford British - which is what makes you enjoy listening to James Bond speak clocks 7th position and is described as sounding like 'a crisply ironed shirt playing a harp' (LMAO! That's really what it sounds like!)

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6. Irish - which is more valued in men than women and renown for its ability to switch from vulnerable to threatening within a sentence came 6th and is described as sounding like 'a marauding pixie' (Hahahaha! Sounds like an dwarfed area boy!)

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5. Nigerian! - Known for the deep rich 'oh's' and 'eh's' and the bending of the English language without breaking it and arousing tremors in places other languages can't is placed at 5th position and is described as sounding like 'the THX intro with teeth' (Yeepaa! Sorry if you've never heard of the THX intro; it means you don't watch movies from beginings)

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4. Czech - which is said to be bohemian, smoky, full-bodied and goes well with most meats (Huh?) is said to sound like 'Count Dracula, Secret Agent' (Shuu! Lafta no go kill me die!)

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3. Spanish - known to be sensual and beckoning is placed 3rd and said to sound like 'an outboard motor on Lake Paella' (I don't really know what to make of this one.)

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2. French - They come in at 2nd position and are said to naturally sound naughty and even sound good when they pout. Its no wonder they are described as sounding like 'a 30 year old teenager' (Hahahaha! Dem no dey grow up?)

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1. Italian - came 1st as the accent that grabs ears as if its in the act of coitus with your eardrums; predatory and possessive. Its described as sounding like 'a Ferrari Saxophone' (LWKMD!! A whaaat??)

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And there you have it. To all you original people who are not ashamed of the Naija accent, keep rocking it, it's your pride; and to all you fakers denying the Naija accent, shame on you! On the CNN site, they even mentioned that it might be the reason Naija guys easily scam foreigners (what a bad thing to use a 'gift' for!).

You can read the full article from CNN here.

Have an awesome friday!

Images Courtesy:

www.Cartoonstock.com

www.thekevinchen.wordpress.com

www.toonpool.com

www.dreamstime.com

www.graphicriver.net

www.drawgoodstuff.blogspot.com

www.cartoonaday.com

www.outof9ja.com 

www.shannanigan.com

www.jamaicandancehallmusic.com

www.owensvalleyhistory.com

www.pixabay.com

www.masterfile.com