Nigeria has the 5th Sexiest Accent Worldwide

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, December 14, 2012

For those of you Nigerians who like to fake your accents and form 'phonetics', you may actually be wasting your time. CNN went a-searching for the world's sexiest accents and you'll be surprised to discover that the Nigerian accent ranks number 5 amongst the top 12 sexiest accents that speak the English language!

It’s estimated that there are nearly 7,000 languages on earth. That’s nearly 7,000 different accents that the English language has to be processed through. The English language from time has been a prostituting language in that it has a history of coming into existence as a result of borrowing from other languages to form its own body as a whole.

So here's a summary of the countdown of the top 12: 

12. Argentine - cultivated by a mixture Spanish, Italian and German which gives it a 'pouty tone' was ranked 12th and was described as sounding like 'a tightly tuned guitar of G-strings strummed by a lamb shank' (Whatever that is!)

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11. Thai - which is said to be monosyllabic in nature and fond of playing extra beat and emphasis on foreign words was ranked 11th and described as sounding like an 'R-rated Karaoke' (WTH?)

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10. Trinidadian - which is the brainchild of a melodic combination of Pan-African, French, Spanish, Creole, and Hindi dialects (wow!) came in at 10th and is said to sound like 'a rubber life raft bobbing on a sea of steel drums' (Really? That's what a Nikki Minaj sounds like?)

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9. Brazilian Portuguese - which beats its European counterpart due to a more colorful, puerile and flirty nature, picked up the 9th position and was described as 'The near, then far, then near again hum of a low-wattage vacuum cleaner that runs on dance sweat' (Na wah oh! Which kain description be this?)

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8. U.S Southern - notorious for its drawls and hurriedness is 8th on the list is described as sounding like  'Molasses taking a smoking break' (Huh? Forgive my sudden bushness but wetin be 'Molasses'?)

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7. Oxford British - which is what makes you enjoy listening to James Bond speak clocks 7th position and is described as sounding like 'a crisply ironed shirt playing a harp' (LMAO! That's really what it sounds like!)

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6. Irish - which is more valued in men than women and renown for its ability to switch from vulnerable to threatening within a sentence came 6th and is described as sounding like 'a marauding pixie' (Hahahaha! Sounds like an dwarfed area boy!)

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5. Nigerian! - Known for the deep rich 'oh's' and 'eh's' and the bending of the English language without breaking it and arousing tremors in places other languages can't is placed at 5th position and is described as sounding like 'the THX intro with teeth' (Yeepaa! Sorry if you've never heard of the THX intro; it means you don't watch movies from beginings)

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4. Czech - which is said to be bohemian, smoky, full-bodied and goes well with most meats (Huh?) is said to sound like 'Count Dracula, Secret Agent' (Shuu! Lafta no go kill me die!)

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3. Spanish - known to be sensual and beckoning is placed 3rd and said to sound like 'an outboard motor on Lake Paella' (I don't really know what to make of this one.)

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2. French - They come in at 2nd position and are said to naturally sound naughty and even sound good when they pout. Its no wonder they are described as sounding like 'a 30 year old teenager' (Hahahaha! Dem no dey grow up?)

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1. Italian - came 1st as the accent that grabs ears as if its in the act of coitus with your eardrums; predatory and possessive. Its described as sounding like 'a Ferrari Saxophone' (LWKMD!! A whaaat??)

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And there you have it. To all you original people who are not ashamed of the Naija accent, keep rocking it, it's your pride; and to all you fakers denying the Naija accent, shame on you! On the CNN site, they even mentioned that it might be the reason Naija guys easily scam foreigners (what a bad thing to use a 'gift' for!).

You can read the full article from CNN here.

Have an awesome friday!

Images Courtesy:

www.Cartoonstock.com

www.thekevinchen.wordpress.com

www.toonpool.com

www.dreamstime.com

www.graphicriver.net

www.drawgoodstuff.blogspot.com

www.cartoonaday.com

www.outof9ja.com 

www.shannanigan.com

www.jamaicandancehallmusic.com

www.owensvalleyhistory.com

www.pixabay.com

www.masterfile.com

Fake Naira Notes From ATM Machines

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The next time you visit an ATM machine to withdraw your money, I'll advise you to go through the notes and ensure they are GENUINE. Yes, that's what I said - GENUINE! Somehow there's been an infiltration of fake notes in the circulation of currency.

Sometime last month, I was at an ATM to withdraw some money and literarily counted the money just to be sure before I headed home.

It was in the course of Wifey spending some of the money that we discovered one of the notes was fake. She had actually bought some foodstuff at the market and on paying the money, was given back a one thousand naira note that was discovered to be fake!

I got home to learn about it and was incensed. This was happening at a time when we were operating on a strict budget. I didn't bother going back to report to the bank that I had received fake currency from their ATM as I had forgotten which bank it was (I had withdrawn the money weeks earlier).

The original (above) and the fake (below)
Image Courtesy Sisi Yemmie

Then I saw a tweet by @Sisi_Yemmie of Gistdotcom where she tweeted a picture of a fake N1000 note alongside an original. The fake note was very much like the fake one I had!

On looking closely at the fake and original notes these are the things I noticed:

The fake note was shorter in length to the original

The pictures of Alhaji Aliyu Mai-Bornu and Dr.Clement Isong are darker on the fake note and not as clear as the original.

The golden seal to the lower right on the original note is well patterned that you can see the design clearly while the one on the fake note looks like piece of golden foil was just embedded onto the paper.

The watermark of the original note is clearer and more distinct than the fake one which looks roughly done.

Also, should you happen to spill water on the fake note and leave it for a while, you'll see it change color due to the fake nature of its print. The original note, no matter how long you soak it in water never gives away its colors.

You know that smell notes have? The fake note lacks it.

Lastly, the fake note is lighter in volume than the original.

Days later, I got some interesting info from an insider on what happens concerning bank ATMs.

According to my source, there are people who are assigned to fill up the ATMs with currency. This duty is always highly contested for and you find these guys almost fighting each other for the opportunity to be the one to load the ATMs.

This is rather suspicious as it’s only those who load ATMs that can load fake money on it. The trick as relayed by my insider would be that while loading the ATMs, some original notes would be removed and substituted with fake notes; they are mixed together with other original notes. The removed original notes goe into the ATM filler’s pocket while the fake mixed with other original notes awaits the unlucky customer who visits the ATM!

I’ve heard of Bank cashiers’ pilfering customer’s cash and banks deducting wrongly from one’s account but this has got to be the highest form of bank criminality.

Nowadays I don’t leave the ATM just counting cash alone; I also CHECK the cash as well to be sure they are REAL.

So the next time you visit an ATM, don’t leave the moment cash is dispensed. Be sure to stand there so that the security camera can see all you’re doing. Count the money and check the notes. There just might be an impostor among your cash. And if you noticed one, it will be caught on the camera for proof…and somebody in the bank will get queried…that is if the ‘Ogas’ are not involved.

Signs of The Times 3 [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 10, 2012

There's comedy all around us. All we have to just do is keep our eyes open when driving on the streets and you just might see that which is bound to split your sides with laughter.
'Sign of the Times' had to become a series because these funny signboards or writings are just all over the place. I would even say if you intend to get a good laugh, just drive around the locality of any African neighborhood and you'll see stuff like this. Some are funny as a result of the crazy grammar or butchering of English while for others its just the idea behind what was written.

Check them out.

The evil that some girls do...is definitely creating a reputation.

Just reading this signboard is enough
to make me catch one of the diseases!

lol...This reminds me of love letters back in high school
...but this grammar is so different. Definitely  not Nigerian.

Its amazing how people blame their stupidity on the Almighty.

Semen Communication? Are they selling recharge cards or donating sperm?

Even this notice itself needs massaging
- the grammar is too broken!

It's hard to find this kind of box in Naija.
Yeah...this picture was taken in another African country and not Naija.

What impression do I get when I see this kind of signboard?

This notice did not make a grammatical error
but it ended up saying the opposite of what it intended to say!

The farm owner was not only emphatically threatening,
he was also creative about it.

Football fans even extend to the remotest of villages.

Enough 'gbagauns' to rob you of your appetite.

I didn't know the Hilton range of Hotels had a village version.

Awesome bookstore! They also sell meat.

Even the truck looks like shit.

Were they high when they printed this banner?

I thought Levi's was a jeans design. Are they designing people's hair too?

                     

lol...wow, I wonder how the Resume of the lucky person will read.

                                                   

Once again, grammar wey fit murder your appetite

And that's all folks!

If you've got any ridiculous photos, feel free to mail them to me. I'll credit you for it.

Have a wonderful Monday!

Images sources

www.naijablog.co.uk

www.bbc.co.uk

www.hashazonto.com

Enebeli Elebuwa passes on

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Veteran Actor Enebeli Elebuwa finally passed on this Wednesday morning at the New Delhi hospital in India after battling with a prolonged aliment.

According to report from Channels News website:

The actor who has been down with stroke for more than a year, recently made the news with his controversial healing by the General Overseer of Perfect Christianity Ministry, Surulere, Pastor Sign Fireman.

A pix from the video: Pastor Fireman with frail looking Enebeli Elebuwa

The Pastor reportedly claimed to have healed him, posting a video of the frailed actor walking aroud the church on YouTube. However, Elebuwa’s family later debunked the Pastor’s claim.

Elebuwa was later moved to an Indian hospital with the aid of the Delta State government.

The late Enebeli hails from Upkane in Otagunu Local Government, Delta State.

He started his acting career in 1967 and the first soap opera he did was 'Mirror in the Sun'.

He also featured as a police officer in the Village Headmaster and his first movie which was on celluloid, ‘Dinner with the Devil’ produced by Sanya Dosumu, was in 1974.

He also had a stint in the Nigerian Broadcast Industry where he served as a producer/ director at the National Television Authority (NTA).

On his sickbed with Ngozi Ezeonu

With Segun Arinze

I grew up watching this man on TV. One of my fondest memories of him was when he played the part of 'Andrew' a Nigerian who was thinking of 'checking out' (a slang then for travelling out of Nigeria in search of greener pastures) in TV commercial that was produced to dissuade Nigerians from leaving the country during the brain drain era in the 1980s.

I also remembered him in Village headmaster. I don't know whether there's a harvest of Nollywood veterans happening now; many of them seem to be passing away this year.

Efforts had been tried to treat Enebeli with Nollywood backing him as much as they could. I won't say anything about the Pastor Fireman issue. That's a spiritual matter and you don't handle that with logic.

May his soul rest in peace.

Timi and A.Y - The Rally Incident

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, December 04, 2012

It's been a while I did the Photo tales series on Timi and A.Y. I just got the inspiration after being reminded by their antics last Saturday. I also had not been able to do these photo tales because I no longer had a Digital Camera. But ever since I got a new phone with a good camera, it's been really easier.

If you've never seen these photo tales, you can check them out here and here.

I hope to bring more if Timi and A.Y. cook up more series for me. You can click the pictures to enlarge,

Thanks for reading!

Spitting Bars That Make Sense: Jared's 'Fall For You'

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, December 03, 2012

The first time I heard Jared's single, 'Fall for you'. it was on Music Africa, a music show that aired on Silverbird Television. It wasn't the video that caught my attention at first - it was the music. It sounded different from all the nasty monotonous autotuned music that pervades Naija's airwaves today. In fact I ended up tweeting about it immediately; it was like a breath of fresh air in the midst of all the cacophony and chaos of pointless and meaningless tunes churned out by the juvenile infested music industry. Jared saw the tweet and responded.

Mukky, one of my subordinates and an upcoming rap artiste also noted Jared's music playing on TV and said it was a departure which had this lovely flavour that's reminiscent of old school rap. I agreed with him; as a matter of fact, it reminded me of Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff's hit 'Summer Time' back in the 90's.

A number of things aroused my interest about this track.

The first thing I noted was the fact that the lyrics were straightforward and bore no mischieviously hidden dirty lines. The song talked about old flames and the relationship between two ex-lovers, how it all changed as their different lives underwent changes. I had to take time to listen to the song and pen down the lyrics as best as I could.

*Please note that the lines I wasn't very sure of are in italics.

Fall For You  - by Jared

Rap
Its been a while since we last met
I'm doing things you can't imagine
in the city when the wind blows
I'm chasing all my passions
who's asleep by the window
my mind is everlasting
there was a time when I felt low
then they're directing your action
now my life is the limelight
everywhere i go, I shine bright
Every tune I make seems to feel right
and you gotta love the night life
so things aint all bad
I shoulda known my love with you couldn't last
So I left my people with your class
Here's a toast to lovers past

Chorus
I can't fall for you, Baby (x2)
Set a phase and on and moving on
I could fall for you, Baby

Rap
I think back to the many days
in the back seat listening to Sade
Still jammed on replay
and then things changed when I went away
Sometimes I wondered if I ever loved you
Would you still deal with all my mess
Double down on any bet
Out of all the girls, you are the best
But its time i think we move on
New track, new hook with a new song
Every day has a new dawn
Let the sun shine on my new home
I can't lie, still think back
All the times that we had can't forget that
But things will never be the same
You'll already know things changed

Chorus
I can't fall for you, Baby (x2)
Set a phase and on and moving on
I could fall for you, Baby

Bridge Rap
You gotta live through the day right
You know we gotta find our own way right
listen to the words that I sing
Its time that we do our own thing

And we both moving on right
I don't wanna do you wrong right
listen to the words that I sing
Its time that we do our own thing

Bridge Song
Its been fun but its time that I move on
we agree we both know this aint what we need
But I wish more success in your life
Gotta move on, move on

Chorus
I can't fall for you, Baby (x2)
Set a phase and on and moving on
I could fall for you, Baby

The song explored optimism in the midst of relationship break ups and the need to get ahead with life irrespective of the ones that don't work. Though the focus was on Jared's experience as narrated in the song, it leaves lessons for us to latch on to; like the fact that people change, conditions are never permanent and that people who are nobodies of today can become the somebodies of tomorrow. The chorus sung by an unnamed lady was soothing to listen to along with the mild ear-friendly instrumentation. And I'd like to note that there was no auto-tuning in this song.

The video is equally simplistic in execution  One notable thing I can say about the video was that the females featured in it were very decent and not your regular scandalous video vixens shaking drug-enhanced butts and breasts all over the screen. This video had what I'll call 'Healthy Visual Esteem'; it didn't need video vixens to make it look good and that could also be as a result of the fact that its just showing reality, thus we see Jared in real life circumstances, the characters are real life and not cosmetic, footages depict moments in Jared's day captured on camera; some real, some dramatized. We also see a lot of Jared's face without sunshades meaning the shades are not a necessity(Almost every Naija artiste sports shades in their videos all through). At one point we even see him in recommended glasses.

On checking out his bio from his website, this part caught my attention:

'He (Jared) grew up surrounded by traditional, strong Southern family values, and a love and natural talent for writing poetry, that led to his first rap recording years ago. At present, his lyrics focus on relatable topics such as women and working hard, which is essential for achieving his music career goals.'

That explains where his depth came from. While checking out his lyrics, I noticed that he must have had some influence from Sade Adu apart from the others mentioned on his site. Its no surprise that he came up with a track like this. Only influence from a great singer can help inspire a good song.

I only hope and pray Jared would stick to this style of laid back simple, clean and straightforward rap that spits knowledge and insights instead of the nonsense a lot of so-called rap artistes spit on the airwaves today. At a time when his age mates are joining the throng to sing filthy lyrics, he has managed to stand aside as a rapper with a clean difference on this track.

Thumbs up to you, Jared!


Jared's website: www.iamjared.com
Jared's Twitter handle: @IAmJaredMusic