The Smartphone Influence [Illustrated]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Smart phones...those technical little bastards that have totally taken over our lives on the entire planet. Years back when a mobile phone was a device you carried about in a suitcase, nobody would have thought that in years to come this constantly evolving gadget would soon take over the world. And with the help of social media networks that have bridged the world into one network, everybody has access to any part of the world. But we still can't deny the fact that there's a fast growing addiction to smartphones. 

I had a colleague who did a modelling gig and got paid about 100 grand and the next thing she did was use it to buy a smartphone that cost 98 grand! That sounded so familiar - like a crack addict blowing all his money on his addiction. I'm not saying smartphones are not a good thing; they have their pros and cons. Unfortunately, too many people are stuck on the cons and have become smartphone zombies. 

Here are some hilarious facts and representations of life with smartphones from C-Section Comics and Pablo Stanley on MemeCentre.    

An addict just can't resist the allure of a stupid meme
trending via smartphones

Many relationships may have been complicated by smartphones

Majority of smartphone owners are guilty of this!

Lesson: Never check other people's smartphones
if you don't want to see what you do not want to see.

Smartphone addicts watch less TV and do more phone browsing

Now you see why Cinemas campaign for phones to be switched off during shows?

Some even deliberately decide to take a crap for the sake of
browsing their smartphones

Because goons like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc. have taken over...

All on a phone oh! What a way to keep us constantly distracted!

 And this strip is not lying in portraying the possible life of a smartphone addict!

I think books need to come to the rescue...oh, now I'm veering into another subject. That's for another topic, another post. May Smartphones not turn us into complete technical zombies!

Randoms: Beefing Stella, Underwear on Cake, Maheeda Tinz and Cursing Church [With Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, October 28, 2013

Its been eons ago I last did any random post. So I got inspired today to do one. Bits and pieces of info, observations that would make some sense are what this post is about.

Delegate of Corruption

Okay...so I start with this funny captioned photo which Kayode Ogundamisi posted online. A hilarious spoof and good photo for thought on the cartel of corrupted government forming Holiness in the Holy land

And then we hear the news that Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, prayed for the country at the gathering of the President and delegates near River Jordan on the Pilgrmage trip to Israel. And when he made mention of Stella Oduah in the prayers nobody could say 'amen'. 

Seriously? It just reminded me of 'he who is sinless should cast the first stone'. I am sure many in that entourage are guilty of equally serious crimes. Stella was an unlucky scapegoat yet her colleagues and possible partners in crime throway face? It is well oh...

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Cake of Vanity
And right here is a shot of actress Osas Ighodaro's birthday cake. They call her an actress but I've never heard of her. Maybe I've seen her but actually never knew. Now this cake is weird and says nothing good about the celebrant as far as me is concerned.

I mean check it out - the icing carries a pair of thongs and bra, a purse and a shoe? What the hell does that mean? All I see on the cake is sex, money and fashion. And the idea of munching on an iced pair of undies would worsen any warped attempt to like the cake. But as usual, some would see nothing wrong about it...duh 

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Clueless Maheeda

Na wah oh. Is it that the only thing this woman is good for is doing the nasty before the camera? I predict that very soon her scandalous candle will burn out. People will soon get tired of seeing her half-naked and naked photos. She has made her point that she has 'fashied' salvation and embraced raunchy life of dining with the devil. So why keep rubbing it in our face? And how come she get fans when she no dey sing again? 

Unless her fans consist of guys that sit before her picture with Vaseline or any other 'fapping' lotion...

Just check out the picture links above that showed up on someone's blog - except for one, all the other thumbnails on Maheeda are about her showing off her ass to the online public.

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Who Said This Church Was Nigerian?
And this is to show how some churches are 'falling our hands'.In the bid to get creative, this particular ministry goes on to theme an event with a swear word! How did that happen? Who approved it? I cannot be sure if it really is a Nigerian church because the banner says its located in Accra, Ghana while one of the Pastors is a Nigerian. Blogs have circulated this info wrongly calling it a Nigerian Church.

 It is NOT a NIGERIAN CHURCH. I don't understand how some blogs or sites just misinform anyhow. Even the American urban entertainment site Mediatakeout.com which featured it online just says 'Africa', not Nigerian.

Still...this is so ridiculous and spiritually suspicious...

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Photo of The Day: Chilling WIth Jesus

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Sunday, October 27, 2013

All over the internet, mostly on social networks, you might come across photoshopped pictures of Jesus; some good, some bad. I always despise the Photoshop jobs of the King of Kings that are meant to be funny because I strongly believe Jesus is not just anyone to be made fun of anyhow.

Then there are some photos which are meant to be inspirational or just in good spirit but are badly photoshopped and end up looking funny. Now those were accidentally funny. But then I came across this photo being circulated on twitter titled 'Chilling with Jesus' and it moved me.

This well photoshopped photo carries depth and an inspiring message. Any artistic mind that believes in Jesus would understand and interpret the picture more profoundly.

The photo travelled well through twitter amongst Naija users and I was alarmed that some were laughing at it. Seriously, what is funny about this pix? I had to register my thought on those responses.

Rather, the picture inspires me. It makes me imagine what it would be like if Jesus was around in person. I often imagine or percieve the Holy Spirits presence this way too. I hope whoever created it appreciates his work. 

This is definitely something that should brighten one's day.

A Suicide Bomber's Amazing Stupidity [Photo]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, October 26, 2013

I haven't been able to fully confirm this story but it reports that this failed Taliban suicide bomber was arrested and a full body search by police revealed that he wore a protective metal shield around his genital area.

When asked what was it's purpose, his response was that he wanted to keep his penis safe after blowing himself up, so as not to have any sexual problems when he meets 72 virgins in paradise.

I have watched how Hollywood has demonised Arabs and turned them into laughing stocks in movies by making them appear stupid and I have tried not to believe everything since movies are used for propaganda. But this incident with this guy has got me wondering if Hollywood carried some element of truth in  their movies.

That unless...this whole info was not true.

When ASUU Condition Bends Crayfish [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Education in Naija has suffered. I am a living testimony to the crunching effect of prolonged ASUU strike. (Please if you don't know what ASUU is, google it abeg!). I remember the ASUU Strike of 1993/94 which resulted in students spending additional one year in the University because the strike lasted almost a year. I even got a part time job waiting for strike to end. But not so many others were lucky waiting for strike to end. And as usual, the prolonging of the strike was the beginning of new things, good, bad and weird.

And so, what has the ASUU strike caused so far? 

It has caused Nollywood to cash on the moment and churn out another wack-buster that probably has overgrown adults playing students.

And this is a very possible title for a yoruba flick on ASUU
that wull star all the usual stereotyped actors 

It has probably left pregnant legacies

It has paved way for funny-themed deliverance crusades.

Chicks that form in school can be found helping Mama to sell her tomatoes 

Its paving way for anniversaries to come.

 

And Yoruba people in their usual craze of having a greeting
for everything will formulate one for the strike period.

Have a nice week.

The Art of Spanking Kids - The Yoruba Way

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, October 19, 2013

Growing up as a kid in Naija is one heck of an adventure - that is if you're not some spoiled rich brat who passes through life in Naija without Naija life passing through you. The best times I always have with my 5 other siblings whenever we meet, are the times when we recount our past experiences living together as kids in a Yoruba household.

The harsh life and struggle to survive may not only have brought out the best in most Yoruba kids but also sometimes the worst in our younger years. Getting spanked or smacked for an offence the Yoruba way is somewhat an undocumented culture.

It is the characteristics of the ranges of spankings or slaps our mothers give us through our growing years. Most ‘Ajepako’ (Naija pidgin lingo for ‘born without the silver spoon’) kids that ever lived in the ghetto would be familiar with these ranges of beatings meted out by our hard-core parents for any misdemeanor we committed. But don’t be surprised, some ‘Ajebutter’ (born with silver spoon) kids have equally gone through it too; probably due to their parents’ background.

Yoruba mums are known to produce the best range of slaps or beatings namely the Igbati, Ifoti, Igbaju, Igbarun, Iforun, Ifakun , Ibadi and Abara.

These slaps will make you think you were adopted.

They are meted out with precision. Our mothers are skilled marksmen in dishing them out. You receive the stinging justice when you least expect; sometimes it happens so fast you are caught off balance.

The Igbati is that stinging slap that will make you correct your wrong immediately. It is the corrective slap that serves as a physical ‘autocorrect’ to return your faulty senses to its default settings of a well behaved state

The beauty of Ifoti is that you will be inspired to instantly confess your sins on the spot. This one is most effective for making lying kids spit out the truth.

The Igbarun, Igbaju and Iforun will make you snitch on all those who committed the crime with you without hesitation. This was probably adopted by Naija Police to coerce criminals to snitch on their apprentices.  

Iladi will make you pee in your pants! In fact I have a ‘testimony’ to a powerful Iladi that was given to a one-time schoolmate of mine. The beating was so hot; my guy literarily shat his pants.

Finally, Abara is the last and the worst...The best way to describe this one is that it will make you do all of the above at once!

No wonder foundations of home training for many Naija families are hard to destroy.

I’m a living example and a graduate of this spanking culture. And trust me; it wasn’t a piece of cake for me back then; especially with my Mum being an Air Force Military Officer.  


*Inspired by a circulated WhatsApp message.

Best Weird Prank Ever! [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, October 12, 2013

Boy! I love this kind of prank. Just priceless!

I wish someone could set it up in Naija.

Its amazing how people will go ahead and do the opposite of what they're told to you.

Just watch and be amused.

Consequences of Faking A Big Bum [Video]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, October 11, 2013

I used to have this insane female friend who used to drop this silly quote - 'Fake it until you make it!'. Well, i guess that's a philosophy many ladies today may have embraced - faking stuff until they make an impression like the lady in this video.



Unfortunately, this one turned out to be a big FAIL. I thought the video was faked but on hearing her reaction and the camera owner's funny response, this was no doubt real. Watch closely when the camera man does a funny close-up on the butt. There's a revelation that lets the cat out of the bag.

Question About Mercy & Funke's Huge Bread... [Photo]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 10, 2013

Eermm...I know that by now this funny photo of Mercy Johnson and Funke Akindele fighting over bread and minerals would have been all over the internet. I however have one bugging question to ask.

Which bakery baked that bread???

Alll my life of consuming Agege or Ghana bread, I have never seen one this big! Looks like something that could double as a pillow!

8 Steps to Help You Create Mind–Blowing Fiction

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 10, 2013

*I tried Grammarly's plagiarism checker free of charge because it sucks if someone calls your original work a copycat!



Being an avid member of Naija Stories, the online forum for aspiring Nigerian writers, I’ve seen newbies join the forum and post their first drafts of stories, poetry or articles and over time blossom into better writers. I’m not surprised at the growth and changes that take place as the forum offers many opportunities for that.

You get to write and get reviewed; comments open your eyes to more facts or hidden glitches within your work, you learn from the criticisms. You also get to read works by others who have carved a niche on the forum by their writing prowess. Unknowingly to most writers who read the works of others, there are a number of things happening each time you post a story on the forum, get comments and critiques, and each time you read works and also comment.

You are indirectly training yourself as a writer.

This makes a good alternative to attending courses on learning to write. 

Overtime I’ve  come to pick up a variety of tips that are quite useful for every budding writer. You might want to consider these tips which I have also used when writing some of my most recent stories on Naija Stories. They are tips that work nicely and help you come out better in the nick of time. These tips may be useful for bloggers, editors and journalists as well. 





1. Don’t beat about the bush.
Too much flashbacks, back-stories, intros or long anecdotes are a waste of your reader’s time. Get to the point. In advertising the gimmick to grabbing and keeping attention is offering a lot in less info. Get to your point quickly too before your reader loses patience and moves on.

2. The first draft is for the cooler.
Normally when you write the first draft of your story, you’re so full of the story and you feel you’ve churned out a good piece. It is recommended that you write your first draft and then put it away in the ‘cooler’ to rest for a while. How long it stays away depends on you. The fact is, when you take a second look at it days later, you’ll see differently and may even re-write or edit it to be better.

By doing this you allow your mind to be refreshed and get to later look at your work from a detached and clearer perspective.
One of my stories titled ‘Love Jazz’ had three different endings. The final ending got my readers hooked. I wrote each ending on different days before deciding the final gripping one. 





3. Cut down on words.
The temptation to be spontaneous in your use of words at times can get you carried away and thus you clutter up your narrative. On a second look at your work, take time to remove the unnecessary clutter of words. It’s time to get rid of those lexical nuisances you have an emotional attachment to. 

While you’re at it, be mindful to keep it balanced. Removing too many words may end up killing the flavour of your story. 

Flash fiction offers the opportunity for this. I also recollect a periodical Naija Stories ‘Writing Prompt’ competition which served a good training ground for decluttering of words in writing.





4. Be relatable and realistic.
Have in mind that you’re writing to be read and it’s necessary for those reading you to comprehend and relate easily with you. Writing is a form of communication between a writer and his readers. When your readers don’t get you, then you’re talking to yourself. 

Being relatable makes you realistic. And don’t get it twisted – being realistic does not discredit fiction with fantasy elements. It doesn’t matter if your fiction is fantasy, Sci-fi or abstract, your story must be believable.  Even make-believe must have an appearance of truth in it.
One of the laws guiding literature is the law of verisimilitude which means fiction must be believable because that’s what helps the reader to connect to the world you created on those pages.

How human are your characters? Can we connect to them? Can we relate to what they are going through? Do they react to situations realistically? One of the best ways to achieve this is to fashion your characters or locations after an existing person or place. Its one of the best ways that aid character development.

A character called ‘Shedrach’ in one of the story ‘Strange Women’, was modelled in full description and mannerism after a colleague in my office while the femme fatales in the story were modelled after three wild ladies in the Client Service department at my workplace.





5. Don’t give a damn what others may think.
Critics will nail you; your work will get ripped to shreds by others and at the same time others will shower admiration or praise on you. Whichever the case, don’t crave for emotional feedbacks; don’t write because you want to get a kick from reactions. Rather, write because you’ve got the passion to, and keep writing – picking up useful info from all that’s being said and keep doing it the way you’re inspired to do it. You can never satisfy everyone. No matter how good your story may seem, someone, somewhere will still crap on it. 

Don’t listen too much to your critics; otherwise they’ll end up cramping your style and killing your inspiration. There’ll always be critics since it’s usually easier to talk about someone’s work than to write your own.

6. Meet your own expectations, not theirs.
This has to do with being unpredictable in fiction. Never let your readers imagine the end of your story before its ends. Throw them off board; piss them off with what they least expect. The fact is, even if it’s not what they expected, you’ve shocked them and gotten their attention. This is why a number of Stephen King’s fiction is uniquely infamous for catching readers off balance with shocking endings.
Sometimes readers would desire a certain kind of ending. Don’t fall for it. Give them what they don’t expect and watch the residue of the story’s imagery remain stuck on their minds and provoke their thoughts.






7. Read, read, read!
Just in the same way we are adept to picking up tunes and unconsciously storing them in our subconscious memory, the same goes for when we read – we end up picking up stuff that hides somewhere in our subconscious mind. 

Also, you get ideas and learn how to do things as well as how not to do things. You also get to broaden your creative horizon. Many times I read someone else’s work and I’m fascinated by the style employed or the dexterity of the descriptive power. It eventually inspires me to want to attempt something new and differentiate a bit in my writing.

When I first read Ayi Kwei Armah’s ‘The Beautiful Ones Are Not Yet Born’ in Secondary School, I was stupefied by the writer’s descriptive power. I found myself modelling my descriptive ability after the Ghanaian author.
Also let’s not forget that information is power...the power to write most notably.





8. Write, write, write!
This is why it makes sense to own a blog if you’re a writer because you actually become good at writing by actually writing! In fact, to succinctly put it, anytime you feel like writing, just get a computer or paper and pen or typewriter and get to work. There may be something big waiting to drop from you that moment.

When I started this write up, I had a direction in mind but as I wrote it the direction changed, simply because I decided to write. Don’t ever procrastinate on any opportunity to write. 
The aim is to ensure you write much more and thus become a better writer. Never pass off the opportunity to write. A blog helps since you are kind of obligated to keep updating.
I always make sure that I keep writing. When I’m not inspired to write a story, I do a poem, when the poetry muse isn’t kicking inspiration, I then do articles – like this one.

(Bonus) Use Grammarly’s Grammar Checker

For those times when your word processor’s autocorrect is not enough and you can’t be very sure, Grammarly is a site that offers automated proofreading and also functions as your personal grammar coach. It helps you improve on word choice and vocabulary suggestions depending on the context of your work.

Check out the site here.

*Inspired by: 'Stephen King’s Top 7 Tips for Becoming a Better Writer' by Henrik Edberg

Images courtesy:
www.jkathleencheney.wordpress.com
www.a3bcfrontrow.wordpress.com
www.susancushman.com
www.napkindad.com
www.colourbox.com
www.jasonlove.com
www.changingpaces.com

Face of a Rogue Nanny

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, October 07, 2013

A friend put this up on facebook after falling victim to the thieving act of the above pictured woman.
According to the information given by my friend, the woman was her nanny up until 25th of September. She stole a nu,ber of valuable items from their home and disappeared leaving the house all open. Her name was Kemi as at then and is from Cotonou.

Though I ask the following questions:

1. Was that the only name she offered? Just Kemi? No surename?
2. Was there no background check done on her before employment?
3. Where there no contact persons to be held responsible in case of any issue? No guarantors? 

This serves as a lesson for us to be wary of whom we employ as Nanny or Househelp.With the high rate of kidnapping in the country now, it is the more reason to be wary. Thank goodness this woman did not carry her kids along for a ransome.

Photo of the Day: Truth Hurts

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, October 04, 2013

This is one profound image and a very good job at manipulation. They say a picture can speak a thousand words. This one says quite a lot, especially to conspiracy theorists. The person in the photo should be no stranger to us all if we're conversant with a little bit of history.

So, looking at this picture, what story can you deduce from it?

Agagu Convoy Plane Crash: 5 Survivors Reported. Notables on board?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 03, 2013

On the plane crash that occurred this morning, here's an update that carried information that there were 5 survivors so far.

According to PM News: 

Five persons are said to have survived the Associated Airline plane that crashed in Lagos, Nigeria this morning.

The plane was chartered to convey to Akure, the Ondo state capital, the casket of the former Ondo State governor, Olusegun Agagu, who died in Lagos on 13 September.

The plane with 22 people on board suffered an engine failure shortly after takeoff in Lagos, crash-landing on the runway, killing 15 people on board, according to the statement by Nigeria’s aviation authorities, FAAN.

“We have recovered eight bodies so far, while one person who is badly injured is being taken to the hospital. The rescue operation is still on. It was a small (charter) plane operated by Associated Airlines,” Ibrahim Farinloye of the National Emergency Management Agency said.

An aviation official confirmed the plane, with 20 people on board, suffered engine failure after takeoff.

The full manifest of the occupants is yet to be released by aviation authorities, but P.M.NEws learnt that an aide of Governor Olusegun Mimiko, who also doubles as a son of a prominent Nigerian politician, was on board. So was a director of a popular funeral company in Lagos.

In Akure, officials of the government waiting to receive the casket, were said to have left the airport, upon hearing news of the tragedy in Lagos.

A blogger already listed names of some notable people on board even before the release of the flight manifest. The blog claimed that Olusegun Agagu's wife and son, Chief Olu Falae's first son, former president Olusegun Obasanjo's son were on the plane.This however has not been fully confirmed by any reliable source yet.

images courtesy: PM News

Update: Reports have it that one of the survivors rushed to the hospital is Feyi Agagu Dr. Olusegun Agagu's son. Also 3 of the survivors have been reported to have died.

Breaking News: Plane Carrying Agagu's Corpse, Friends and Family Crashes

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, October 03, 2013

The breaking news is that an Associated Airline plane carrying the corpse of  the late former Ondo State governor Olusegun Agagu, his family members and friends crashed near the Murtala Muhammed Airport, Lagos, shortly after it took off. The aircraft was headed for Akure where the late Politician was to be buried tomorrow.

I'm hearing that 11 people have been confirmed dead and another info is saying there were 20 on board that perished. Eminent personalities are reported to be on the ill-fated flight.

This is so sad...I wonder how my Dad would feel now; the late Politician was an old friend of his. Now hearing that some family members have equally died tragically *sigh*...the details are still shady. Still awaiting further update...


images courtesy 
www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com

Naija On Scotland's Currency [Photos]

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, October 02, 2013

The footprints of Nigeria's history will forever remain in textbooks, documentaries and stories passed down by our fathers. And then while some may appear in museums in the western world (as a result of stolen artifacts when the British invaded wealthy empires like the Benin Kingdom), others have remained as a pleasant memory on the faces of currency notes.

At this point I'm not referring to Nigerian currency but Scotland currency. A friend on facebook posted this heartwarming revelation he found on Scotland's £10 note. Many of us may not be aware of this. Here's what he wrote:

Last Year, I was in Scotland and whilst alighting from a Cab, the driver asked, are you from Nigeria to which I responded with a BOLD YES, he then GAVE ME A £10 Scotland Pound and said your towns are in there. In Scotland, currency denominations have different designs and one of the design they dedicated a Town In Nigeria called Calabar where Mary Slessor stopped the Killing of Twins.

Not only did this £10 note feature a picture of Mary Slessor with Nigerian children she helped rescue but also names of Calabar towns probably at that period.

How many of you ever actually noticed this on the £10 note?

Its nice to see that we are part of another nation's history.