When a Spouse Beats Another

 


When I moved into the neighborhood where I currently stay, I had some time to meet with the son of the landlord who was in charge of seeing to the affairs of the building. This was a good looking dude who lived in a nicely furnished apartment and had a nice car. But his home lacked any female presence. I later learnt that he was actually married before but was now divorced because he beat his wife too often. Even in talking to him, I was able to sense that this guy was not all that happy…he sort of missed the companionship and comfort of a female partner.


Then as I got to know my area the more, I came to discover that a certain celebrity (an artiste) lived some streets away from mine. I was surprised to discover that I had come across him a number of times in the neighborhood without knowing that he was the one. He looked like a calm person and laughed with people around him. But I was stunned to discover that he was also a serious wife beater.
 
And this trend can be found everywhere; from entertainment circles to personal lives out there.
 
In my few years of experience in marriage and studies of different relationships, I’ve come to observe that a woman’s part and influence in a relationship is always underestimated.

People have always referred to women as the ‘weaker sex’ or the ‘gentler sex’. In my own opinion, I find this fallacious; the conception that women are weak or powerless is very wrong. They are in fact very instrumental to a man’s rising or to his falling.

If you go into history books and read about majority of great men who have made history, you’ll find out that there’s a woman behind them. Also for a lot of the infamous men who have caused created great crimes against mankind, there’s a woman involved, either secretly or openly.

The power of a woman has always been either underestimated or just plain bastardised by society. A woman is God’s awesome creation designed to help and propel a man to greater achievement in life.

But why do some men end up as wife beaters?

This is an age-long mystery that has gone through different spheres of attempted explanation from the medical/psychological to that of diabolical spiritual influence. In order to get a clearer viewpoint, I decided to investigate through the number one life manual – the Bible.

If you’ve searched the scriptures you’d probably have come across these verses:


Pro 12:4  A virtuous woman [is] a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed [is] as rottenness in his bones.

 
Pro 14:1  Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

 
Pro 21:9  [It is] better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Repeated in Pro 25:24 and Pro 21:19)
 

Pro 18:22  [Whoso] findeth a wife findeth a good [thing], and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
 

Pro 31:10  Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price [is] far above rubies.

 
Ecc 7:26  And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart [is] snares and nets, [and] her hands [as] bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her.
 


 
From the above scriptures, we can see when a woman is good and when a woman is bad. God has given us the freedom to choose between right and wrong. Some women chose to be of the good report, others chose to be the other. Some times its circumstantial, sometimes it’s deliberate.


Also from the above, I figured out that women have this power that can make or destroy men; the power to keep the home or destroy it.
 

Now this brings me back to the aspect of wife-beaters…
 

 
 
What on earth would drive a man to beat his wife? Does it just happen like that? There has to be fire before the smoke.
 

I watched a documentary where women from abused relationships were being interviewed as to how they were beaten black and blue by their husbands. It was sad listening to their stories and you’d feel angry at the man in question.


But I had a problem with just listening to the stories of these women. What about the man’s side of the story? Has anybody heard it?

 
It is wrong for a man to hit his wife, no doubt about it but something must have driven a man to that point.  I heard one say it was because he didn’t want the pregnancy or that it started with a slap and later an apology then the slap became frequent…still I say there’s a part of the story we’re not hearing.
 

A friend of mine went through the strains of a divorce and she told me of how badly her in-laws and her ex-hubby treated her; what led to them divorcing…On hearing her story, you’ll end up sympathizing with her but I refused to eat it all simply because I never heard the guy’s part of the story…oh, and I also know some habits and funny behavior that my friend has that could be quite unhealthy to her marriage. I didn’t hear anything about that quirk. Her story got her hearers rooting for her…and nobody heard the ex-hubby’s side of the story!
 

 

A Man’s ego is an integral part of him. Men are wired that way and when anything threatens this ego, there’s bound to be a terrible backlash. That’s why women are told to ‘submit’ to their husbands. Men are also told to ‘love’ their wives in that their ego does not interfere; each party has a role to play. But when one party fails to play its role, it affects the other party.
 

Take a good look at the first scripture quoted earlier (Pro 12:4) – it says a virtuous woman is crown to her hubby but he one that makes him ashamed is like rottenness to his bones. This tells me that a woman can either be a man’s pride or just become a constant nag that's driving him nuts. And not all men are patient enough to stomach the rottenness thus the wife beating ensues.
This is not to say that a woman whose life is endangered in any marriage should not take a hike and save herself. But she should also check herslf to be sure that she didn't genuinely make him go crazy.

Take a look at the other scriptures and you’ll see how the good and the bad of it fit into what I’m talking about.
 
Sometimes if not most times, the so-called wife beater may not have struck without some very dire provocation…I think it makes sense to hear both sides of the story.
 
Don’t you?

Images courtesy



 


16 Screamer(s):

Myne Whitman said...

I'm sorry to disagree with the argument you're making with this post. No matter what, there is no provocation that justifies violence, especially to those you profess to love. None!

Men who beat their wives, sisters, mothers, and women in general, usually have anger management issues and it seems they only vent it on women because they know they'll win, and also get away with it.

Sykik said...

Theres no smoke without fire and it takes two to tango ."when a handshake goes beyond the elbow" both parties should exercise caution. Knowing your partner's temperament will go a long way .

That's why we can't rule out the God factor when we want to choose a life partner.

Blessing said...

I agree with you, def important to hear both sides...some women are out of control and abuse their "weaker sex" roles...its absolutely wrong for one spouse to hit another (women also hit men)...like the scriptures you've quoted, if everyone plays their roles, divorce rate will drop drastically

Afronuts said...

@Myne...I'm not sure you read me well Myne. I wasn't justifying anything. Besides, I've witnessed an experience which resulted in the man hitting the woman...the man was going through so much challenges and rather than the woman encouraging and supporting him, she nagged him to the edge...it was just too much, the man almost went crazy, he warned her severally, she refused to listen, she even threatened and dared him to hit her...

Why do you think that scripture said it is better for a man to live on the edge of a roof than live with a nagging wife? What happens when he lives on the edge of the roof? He's bound to fall off the roof and die! That's why its seems safer for him on that edge than to live in the same house with a nagging wife. Mind you also, I didn't justify anything, all I arguing is that the other side of the story MUST be heard before you can make such judgements.
I'm not sure you read everything,'cause that was not my argument.

@Sykik...Very true! Many fail to do this and adjust. Marriage is meant for matured minds.

@Blessing....Thanks Blessing. You got my point. Its easy to label men because they have the brute force and say nothing justifies them hitting a woman, but we need to know why they are irked in the first place, even anger management is meant to be managed

Sykik said...

I understand Myne's point of view and also believe nothing justifies violence. Why beat someone you profess love to. Why not be matured and walk out or take it out on the washing machine or the wall.

The angle Afronut wants us to see is that at times women can also drive a man to the edge. If you are married to a man with little or no threshold for nagging, snide remarks, patience e.t.c I would suggest that silence is golden. Also, a kind word when a man is going through a difficult phase will go a long way than nag him about how his mates have gone several miles ahead of him or how you are the one who's been picking the bills.

Most importantly, I maintain that the God factor is important in choosing a life partner . Marry someone you can cope with his temperament.

Afronuts said...

@Sykik...thanks so much for the elaboration. Of course Myne is right that any disagreement need not generate into voilence...Its wrong to ever hit your wife. All I'm saying is lets also hear the man out b4 we crucify him.

Thanks for making it clearer again.

To be honest Mr KUsh(an essay is coming up lol). This post might not come across like that to most readers (i.e. that you r not supporting violence). No matter what, whether it is her side of story. BOTTOM LINE: DONT HIT HER or HIM expect in exceptions circumstances i.e. self defense.

I get you that something has to happen for an action to occur No smoke without FIRE. But if that be the case, is it now alright to HIT HER? NO IT DOES NOT. Violence does not stop anything, if anything it breeds negativity's, resentments, confusion and hatred.JESUS also encouraged to love our neighbour as ourselves. Paul also encouraged Men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. As many of us know we are not saints and some of us are far from it but doesn't God treat us and love us regardless. He does not physically or verbally abuse us. Yet, the instruction to act like that towards our partner is not implemented and we justify why we pay evil for evil.... we should everything in LOVE cos love is not hitting her? cos she nagged u... How does that solve the situation. The more you hit, the more you breed negatives.

Aside from that, I strongly believe in communication. If we cant agree to disagree as mature adults. FORGET IT with that dude.

Men too should take their eyes to the market and pray to God for the kind of character they want in a wife. Disagreements and issues should not be the opportunity to beat or physically abuse her. It is not ok. Marriage is work in progress so if the dude cannot contain it BACK OUT.

If one is an unhealthy relationship one should leave.

I have experienced abuse with both my parents and most times MUM was innocent and if she wasnt what right did my DAD have to hit her? None.. it was not fair to grow up in a violence home(am not venting oh lol) I am just saying VIOLENCE both at home, at work, in school etc is not APPROPRIATE the negatives is just too much...

I will say though, until one goes through physical abuse, mental or verbal you never understand what it feels..

The bible also said the heart of man is desperately wicked which I think applies to both sexes.

NO TO VIOLENCE AT ALL COST whether it was fired or it was not ohh. I dont want to know what did and dint happen. NO TO VIOLENCE IS MY STANCE.

WALK AWAY AND CLEAR YOUR HEAD..

About the example you gave.. he definitely went crazy HITTING his wife. That is the definition of IT CRAZINESS. So he cant leave the house abi?? Cos for me craziness is the inability to make use of the right decision.Also, a man like that should understand foolishness better. Anyhoo that their cup of garri..

the example again does not justify. Seriously, he should follow the scripture and live on the ROOF. At least it wil give him time think and breath. the wife likewise. Prolly both them will calm down sef and talk like mature adults.

@Sykik, yes women have mouths and that can drive the person to the edge. We can easily debate about the edge, so the edge means he should beat her? NO, he should walk away that is what the edge means to me sha. Take a break and clear your head and thoughts.

Abeg there is enough going on already, violence in a home is not the way forward at any cost. and should not be.

I dont need to hear him before I will tell him which part of the law, bible says its ok to HIT A WOMAN or anyone? Its not cool.. gone are the days of slavery o jare.

so my bro pls its not OK NO MATTER WHAT. He had a choice, we always have choices to walk away. as long as he has that, its A NO to VIOLENCE. Next time stay away from characters u cant handle...

let go away jare.. have said enough. in fact more than enough.lol.

Afronuts said...

@Daughter of her king...Interesting. You seriously do have a point. Maybe I mashed up too many issues together. Sometimes when you're writing on a topic that has so many branches, it can end up saying so much and not informing as it should.

Thanks for the point and observation!

archiwiz said...

The people that use the "excuse" of wanting to find out the man's point of view are very telling. For some reason many Nigerians see marriage as something women should cave into, and as the partner in the marriage that should bend. Love, marriage, relationships. All are two-way streets. The person that asks, "What drove him to do that?" are actually doing what is called victim-blaming. Under no circumstances is it ever all right, ok, kosher, acceptable, or understandable for ANYONE to abuse the person they claim to love.

Attempting to look at it from the abuser's perspective is sure to drag you down a slippery slope. The two parties in the relationship are both adults, and should relate to each other in a matured fashion. The need to "warn her severally" smacks of superiority and male privilege. Why did she need to nag him severally? Is it possibly because she had a request/need that he refused to meet? You never hear people asking this question.

People should understand that women are not children to be "taught lessons" or bossed about. A man that is truly a husband, attempting to be like Jesus in loving His bride, will swallow his pride when it comes to living at peace with his wife. He should cater to her, and she should cater to him.

I would encourage everyone to study the patterns and cycles of abuse and look around their community. Nigerian women have suffered enough in the name of marriage; and frankly, one wonders how Christian we are when all these hideous atrocities are still being committed in the name of marriage.

@Sykik You talked about a man being driven to the edge. I must remind you, that as people, we are responsible for what we do. Nobody forces another to lift up a hand in anger. Nobody can make you do what you don't want to do. If a man has a short rope, or threshold, it is NOT his wife's responsibility to maintain that threshold, because the day she also "loses it," he will immediately be afforded the excuse to hit her. Now how does that help the situation?

Sykik said...

@ daughter of her king....pls read my comments well oh...I never said I reasoned that violence is right because women have mouth ..what I wrote is that

......Why beat someone you profess love to. Why not be matured and walk out or take it out on the washing machine or the wall.

............. If you are married to a man with little or no threshold for nagging, snide remarks, patience e.t.c I would suggest that silence is golden...........

...........,., the God factor is important in choosing a life partner . Marry someone you can cope with his temperament.

I don't encourage spouse beating/ violence oh....it's not justified for whatever reason. However, I understand afronuts point of view about not jumping to conclusion.

Afronuts said...

@Archiwiz...so what's your point? That we should only hear the woman's part alone? Finding out the man's point of view is not an excuse...it's just a diagnosis of finding out the nucleus of the problem before jumping to a conclusion.How is that 'victim-blaming'? Nobody is saying the man who hit a woman is right. It is immature to do that. But not wanting to hear what's gwan from the man's side wouldn't be fair. If you stop two people who are fighting where one almost beats another to pulp, would you ask what happened from the one of the one that was beaten and refuse to hear anything from the one that did the beating? Even in law courts both sides have to be heard before a ruling is made. The point from which you are speaking is pointing towards jungle justice!

@Sykik...Thanks once again. I don't know why people just want to support the victim and not find out why she was assaulted in order to come to a fair conclusion.

archiwiz said...

@Afronuts Your tone makes you seem annoyed. I hope this is not so. I must also refute your claim that my point is creeping towards jungle justice. You are misreading my comment. My point is that trying to look at what you call both sides is not the best way to handle the problem, especially because most abusers minimize the abuse, or make it look like the victim is lying and crazy. Again, I would advise that you look more into the problem that is domestic violence. You will be surprised at what you find.

When two people are fighting and one is almost beating the other to a pulp, how is the dynamic the same as a woman (or man) who is being beaten by their spouse? So what happens after you have "heard both sides" and "made your ruling?" How do you think that will change the fact that some people feel entitled to control the person they are intimate with? I am advocating for a solution.

Sykik's boiled down points are encouraging, and for the most part, are true. However, there is danger in trying to not jump to conclusions, and that danger slips into victim blaming. After all, most reasonable people (like you) will try to reason out why the woman was beaten, however abuse in all its forms, does not follow reason. That is my point.

archiwiz said...

I would like to leave some resources here for people to check out:

http://www.thefamilytree.org/en/domestic-violence-services/156

http://www.ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem.php

Test your knowledge of domestic violence: http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-3-test-your-knowledge-of-domestic-violence/

The signs of abuse: http://www.thehotline.org/2012/10/dvam-challenge-5-know-the-signs-of-abuse/
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

Cycle of violence: http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

Theoretical Explanations: http://family.jrank.org/pages/1629/Spouse-Abuse-THEORETICAL-EXPLANATIONS.html

Engaging Men and Boys to achieve gender equality: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/Engaging%20Men%20and%20Boys%20to%20Achieve%20Gender%20Equality.pdf
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/SWC_IssueBriefEngagingMenBoysReducePreventGender-BasedViolence_4-2011.pdf
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/IP_EngagingMenToPreventGBVMulticountryInterventionImpactStudy_2012.pdf

http://www.dvsolutions.org/programs/MenAgainstDV.aspx

http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/programs/because-we-have-daughters

Impact of domestic violence on family dynamics: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/Bancroft_BattererAsParentAddressingImpactOfDVonFamilyDynamics_2002.pdf

Take the DVAM challenge: http://www.thehotline.org/






Afronuts said...

@archiwiz....okay. Since you have an angle with so much backing I guess you've got a point, though its veering away from what I intended. Thanks for the links and info.

So when do u intend to ressurect ur blog? Or is it a no no?

archiwiz said...

You're welcome.

I will be resurrecting my blog soon. Tins wey I bin experience fall my hand well well, but I'm getting back there.