Anatomy of an 'Owambe' Party

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, April 25, 2012

If you ever happen to visit the southern parts of Nigeria and Lagos from Fridays through the weekends, you are bound to come across this interesting phenomenon popularly known as the ‘Owambe party’.

According to a renown journalist, so common was the ‘Owambe’ among the Yoruba that other Nigerians who seemed to be more restrained soon began to organize owambe parties too: the oil boom had made easy money possible, and for years, Nigerians really lived it up. One contemporary English dictionary, describes the Yoruba  as “the fun-loving people of West Africa!”





‘Owambes’ (derived from a Yoruba word that means “we have it, so we can flaunt it”) usually happen during significant celebrative ceremonies such as weddings, society birthday bashes, burials, anniversary celebrations and sometimes at naming ceremonies. They are usually colorful and take place most times either in event halls or just on a field with erected canopies all over the place. There’s the presence of a band which is not just there to entertain but to also rub the egos of the bigwigs in attendance by singing their praises with the hope of getting sprayed with cash. And of course, the spraying of cash is a well known thing to occur at these events.

Spraying of cash is an essential element of an 'owambe' party

Then you’ll also notice how dress codes pervade these occasions; these are the notoriously known as the ‘Aso Ebi’ where you are required to be dressed to ‘feel among’. It’s always a must for family members of the celebrants.  Everybody is uniformed for the occasion in these outfits that in a lot of cases may have been sold at ridiculously high prices by individuals who seize the opportunity to make some extra cash. Meanwhile some of those who are obligated to buy and can’t readily afford sometimes stupidly go to the length of borrowing money to purchase the material.





Aso Ebi 'Victims'

I usually don’t like attending ‘Owambes’ but unfortunately I’m married to a woman who LOVES them. I don’t know whether it has to do with her being an ‘Ijebu’ woman, ‘cause I heard Ijebu people love to party.

Most of the time I spend at any Owmabe, I just sit watching and observing the people and the events going on. And a lot of funny and amusing stuff does happen. In my lifetime experience of being forced to attend these parties, I’ve been able to diagnose the elements of individuals that make up an Owambe party. 

The Celebrants

As the name implies, these individuals are the sole reason for the whole jig. Sometimes, they are so busy making it happen or worrying about the whole party going just right. Sometimes they are happy mostly because they’ve made a successful impact with the event. In other cases they are not because they are still brooding over the amount of funds the party has siphoned out of their pockets (e.g. the groom who had to spend a fortune on his wedding).

The Party animals

These are the ones that sieze the opportunity of an owambe to get drunk and misbehave. The ‘misbehaving’ in this case would be seen as having fun and being jolly by some people but seriously, this bunch can be annoying. They usually sit together and have bottles of beer lined up for the moment. They are loud and obnoxious (tongue let loose by the alcohol) and some of them may smoke and don’t give a damn if the fumes pisses you off.

 The Scavengers

These individuals are usually the guests that come to the party accompanied by a polythene bag. They have a mission to go home with take-aways. I’m not talking about the take-away that is packed for guests by the organizers, I’m talking about the take-away that is obtained through the several helpings of the food being served for the occasion. These individuals sieze the opportunity to collect food from as many servers as they can and empty them into the bag which they intend to take home. I don’t blame them for doing this as most of them engage in the act due to poverty.

The Fashionistas

Sisterhood of the Fashionistas!

These individuals have one thing on their mind - to show off the designs of their ‘Aso Ebi’. You see them doing deliberate catwalk struts as they go from table to table showing off their stuff. They’ve gone through the painstaking wahala of making sure their dress has been designed to kill. Sometimes the designs are good and sometimes they are disastrous.  

The Loaded Ones

Pepper dey rest and fly all over the place!

While the fashionistas show off with their outfits, these individuals show off with money. Yes, these are the people who have come to ‘spoil ground’ with raw cash. You see them spraying crisp naira notes or foreign currency. Of course you can’t be in this group if you’re not ‘loaded’. They are usually the stars of any event since the abundance of money is known to notoriously gather you respect anytime, any day. These are the main targets of the performing band who are usually ambitious to get their own share before the event wraps up.

The Gate Crashers

These are the uninvited guests who show up to celebrate with you, not because they like you or care, but mostly because they are rooting for the food being served. Nobody knows them from Adam, yet they party along as if they are family members. They found out somehow about the party and ‘joined chorus’. While their preoccupation is just with eating as much food as they can get, some of them switch to scavenger mode and hustle for take-aways as well.

The Sexy Marauders

Spot the Sexy marauder in this famous photo



Anybody who is dressed in revealing outfit falls into this category. Sometimes the Fashionistas fall into it as well. These are individuals who feel their own version of the ‘Aso Ebi’ must reveal lots of cleavage or have their big bosoms popping out scandalously out of the seams. And if it’s not cleavage, it’s the extreme shortness of a gown or skirt revealing gratuitous thighs. Just sitting down alone may even showcase what’s underneath the dress if the legs are not properly crossed. Men are sexually traumatized by these marauding spectacles. 

The Beggars

Every 'Owambe' is their lucky day!

They are actually who they are – street beggars who seize the opportunity of a party to beg for money, food and anything. It’s like a windfall for them. They usually end up eating remnants of the food left behind by guests.

The thieves

Just as their name implies, their mission is simple – to steal anything they can get their hands on. These individuals may not be easily defined. They are amongst the guests and even the uninvited. They could be anybody from any of the afore mentioned categories. A thief is usually faceless until he or she gets caught so they are not defined. Only their act is.

Images courtesy
www.ccalagos.org
www.nigeriavillagesquare.com
www.osundefender.org
www.themauritzfamily.blogspot.com
www.theKJblog.com
www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com
www.vanguardngr.com

A.Y. Strikes one!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, April 19, 2012

Yesterday 18th of April was my precious little man's birthday. 

He clocked 1 year old.

A.Y. ...aka Okunrin meta...aka Bobo...aka little genius.

Happy Birthday and many happy returns my little genius!

You'll forever be a source of pride to your generation.

Photographing the Nigerian Idols - What you never knew

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, April 13, 2012

I probably haven’t talked much about my job and its nature.

It’s a crazy job that does a lot of behind the scenes magic to wow people on TV, Radio and Tabloids.

One of the most recent assignments I had to oversee had to do with getting the last two contestants of Nigerian Idol, Mercy and Joe, for a photography shoot to announce the winner on the grand finale on Saturday March 31st in the press.

The plan was to snap the two of them and design winner press Ads for them. Once the winner is announced, we release whichever press Ad carried the person.

Getting them for the shoot was not easy. They were just too busy and had engagements and rehearsals. Eventually we had to find a way around it as this was necessary for the press Ad that would showcase the winner the following day after the grand finale.

Our last chance was at the etisalat new corporate campaign launch which was taking place at Eko Hotel at Victoria Island.

Several searches and disappointments later we got the opportunity, thanks to a friend who was a former employee at my workplace. She recognized me and quickly helped me pull strings.

Finally we got the chance to shoot the contestants in the most peculiar of all places – the backstage!

Mercy having her hair made up
before the shoot and her performance

Joe - all set and ready for the session
while Mercy is being attended to.

Imagine moving around with the photography and make-up crew and bumping into the likes of Tiwa Savage, Brian, Uti Nwanchukwu, Eva etc. while working. Celebrities were everywhere like no man’s business all either relaxing and shacking alcohol or preparing to perform. 

ND my colleague with Tiwa Savage

ND with old friend Uti Nwachukwu

Regretably, I wasn’t with my point and shoot camera so I couldn’t capture the backstage scenarios. But ND, one of my colleagues took a few pics with some of the celebs which he allowed me to upload provided I don't show his face. Coincidentally, he and Uti were old school mates.

It wasn’t easy setting up the lights in busy backstage area but we eventually got to do our stuff.

This is Joe as we shot the photo.

This is how he appeared in the press Ad that actually never ran.

This was how we took the approved photo of Mercy

This was how it appeared in the press.

Notice in the original pictures that they were not actually holding microphones, we had to work that in there.There was no Mic around to use for prop.

  

People eventually saw the press Ad of the winner who turned out to be Mercy. Yet no one knew the circumstances under which the photos for these Ads were shot.

Amazing isn’t it?

When The Unexpected Arrives...Multiple Dilema

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Thursday, March 29, 2012

I’ve been on deliberate hiatus in this month due to certain happenstances that I’m still yet to recover from.

My mind has been ruminating on thoughts and plans on what to do to get out of a certain logjam that any sane man would so desire for to end so quickly.

What’s my predicament?

It’s the barrage of things happening between the months of April and May.

First I remembered that towards the end of April, A.Y will be celebrating his one year old birthday, then his Mum’s birthday follows the following week.

Skip the following week which is my birthday, the next week is Timi’s birthday, then the following week is my younger brother’s wedding day.

Finally in the week…we bury my dear grandmother who just passed away earlier this month.

Rest in peace Mama!

I know you might say ‘wow…what a barrage of celebrations you have there’ but that’s not the point.

The point is….ol’ boy I have to SPEND MONEY men!

My son deserves a special gift on his birthday…I have been planning to get this special gift for my wife on her birthday; something she so dearly craves to own (never mind, she’s too busy to find out I wrote this on the blog), then I’ve been wanting to get Timi a bicycle because she has been exhibiting ‘symptoms’ of needing one…not to talk of the fact that I need one too to be cycling to work (my office isn’t too far from home and driving isn’t necessary…besides a bicycle to work sounds like fun!) then my brother’s wedding is gonna demand some spending – you know all that ceremony where they extort you out of your hard earned cash because you came with committee of friends to beg the damsel’s hand in marriage for our brother.

But the mother of them all is my grandmother’s burial.

Family members have already annoyingly selected an ‘aso ebi’ which costs an arm and a leg simply because they want to import it from Dubai.

Haa! Shey wetin dey for Sokoto  no dey for sokoto again?

Then it is most likely that when musicians start playing, they will begin to embarrass you by calling out your name so that you can part with hard-earned cash for being praised.

I can’t spell out how much of expense this will squeeze out of me but being the first grandson of the first son doesn’t help at all! In fact, it’s my Dad I feel sorry for the most…because people really know him well being the first son and it is his mother, a very significant woman that’s being laid to rest.

I had ranted to my wife this morning…’Why did Grandma have to die at this time of the month? Why didn’t she wait till around the end of December?’

Wifey had wondered the reason for me preferring December.

‘Because that’s when we get paid the ‘13^th month’at work! That’s when ‘pepper go rest and pocket no dey dry!’

I’ll be soo glad when all this is over. I don’t even want to think about it so much except plan for it.

Oh crap…I just remembered that my rent is gonna be due soon!

The Crap Scare

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Friday, March 09, 2012

Warning!

Scatological Article!

I’m a finicky when it comes to toilet issues.


Oh yes…and that’s because CRAP scares the hell out of me.

You’re probably wondering how I manage that with two kids who have a lot of that to offer shey?

Oh I do manage! Like, I don’t look at Timi’s crap when I empty her potty into the water closet or I almost close my eyes when it’s my turn and I’m changing A.Y.’s diapers.

Even my own shit scares me.

Anytime I take a dump, I don’t even look at it more than once before I flush it.

But then once in a while you must have grubbed excessively and on the fateful day you decide to visit the convenience you ‘let out’ a monstrousity that would make you wonder how that ‘thing’ managed to come out of you – that’s if you did not spend time groaning and sweating like you were in some prolonged labour.

And then this was the day when you turned the flush lever, the water flushes through…and your naughty shit decides to remain.

For some people (especially when it’s a public convenience) it’s just a matter of getting the hell out of there before someone else who wishes to use the place comes around as you’re just leaving; per chance the person sees the nasty ‘log’ in the closet and easily connects the dots as to who is responsible.

I don’t have the guts to abandon a toilet that’s harbouring a stubborn crap load that was my handiwork. So you can imagine the sheer horror I face when I come to realization that I’ve just offloaded some monster that won’t go down the closet drain – me that hates looking at my own crap!

I also don’t want to forget that there are toilets and there are toilets. Some toilets flush so violently that nothing can survive remaining in that closet, not even if a cell phone dropped in it…(eeww, God forbid bad thing…happened to a colleague once. Thank God it wasn’t flushed), other toilets flush so flimsily that even floating spittle can survive it – that’s what I’d call an ‘Ajebutter’ toilet.

Unfortunately, the toilet I have at home is an ‘Ajebutter’ toilet. I always have to support the flushing with a bucket of water, unlike where I used to live before where I had an ‘Ajepako’ toilet. This was a toilet that even wall geckos and roaches dreaded…even a rat would never survive its unmerciful and violent flushing. Yeah…even I step back, as if I might be caught in its waves and carried away.

I’m not any luckier at work…because the closet attached to my office is an ‘Ajebutter’.

For a while, I did only the ‘minor’ at work. I dared not do the ‘major’ since there was no hope of my ‘output’ going anywhere in the ‘Ajebutter’ closet.

Well…that’s what I decided until nature decided to play a fast one on me.

I can’t remember what I ate that day but my stomach decided to do a royal rumble that was threatening to spill out my butt. Now I’m very good at containing such situations, especially if it had to do with taking a piss but in this case I was physically, mentally and emotionally threatened and had no choice.

In situations like this, the first thing on your mind is where you can rest your thundering butt before it explodes before thinking of whether you can get it flushed or not. Thus I ended up using the office ‘Ajebutter’ toilet. Fortunately for me, it was around closing time and the other two in the office had gone home.

Finally, after two rigorous flushing attempts that involved two bowls of water accompanied by the sluggish flow of the closet’s flushing, the nasty turd finally bade me goodbye and disappeared down the closet’s pipes.

I guess next time I’ll make sure I abide by the boy scout motto; I’ll ‘be prepared’ should in case another royal rumble happens another day.

Yep…that’s me, really finicky about toilet issues!

Timi & A.Y. - Drinking the Pepsi

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Monday, February 27, 2012

It’s amazing how kids affect one’s way of life; especially when they’re your own kids. I remember how life was when we had Timi. We watched her all the time with loving eagle eyes. Everything she did for the first time was like some unusual breakthrough; we even tried documenting some – like the day she took her first walking steps.

And then A.Y comes along and gives one a whole new experience. It’s much easier this time. Maybe it’s because he’s got a bigger sister to learn from because he learns quite quicker. The little man has been more eager to walk than to crawl. You find him trying to stand up.

The most interesting scenarios are usually when the two youngsters fight over toys or other things. Sometimes the pictures I take of them kind of looks like sibling rivalry at work.

Click each pix to enlarge and read.

Okay...its not like I had a brainblock over what to post...

I sort of got confused over too many ideas of what to write about.

I guess this came first.



Aftermath of Valentine's Day

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I was discussing with a friend this morning about the razzmatazz surrounding yesterday (Vals day) and he told me point blank that he never celebrates Vals day. I could instantly relate with him because I equally never used to celebrate Vals day until i met my wife who insisted that we must remember it, or rather I must remember her on that day.

Even if I tried to escape her, I still had to contend with the fact that my workplace takes Val VERY SERIOUSLY. Yesterday was a not a joking matter as the garden of the office premises was decorated in splashes of red and white; chairs were arranged and decorated...infact at the end of the day, the garden looked like a wedding reception that was decorated in christmas colors (red and white minus green). Then exchange of gifts with a person whom you are forced to pick from a basket containing names at random. There were Val games, comedian's performance, dance games, exchange of gifts...

But as I sat there gisting with my friend, we explored the true history of valentine (who was a saint that actually showed love to the needy and not some chick) and wondered how it got perverted along the way.

A chemist was telling a colleague of mine that yesterday alone, their sale of condoms for the day was what they would have sold in six months!

That should tell us what really went down on Vals day.

Then SLOT, a mobile phone shop was said to have sold out all their blackberry phones yesterday alone!

Yes...its exactly what you're thinking...many ladies got blackberries for Val gifts. My friend even told me that it was now one of the perequisites for getting laid on Vals day. Haba!

The obsession with this smart phone is getting scarier by the day...like its going to be responsible for the end of the world.

Hmmm...I think I may have underestimated how evil the Blackberry can be...

Valentine Blues

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, February 14, 2012

So many times I wanted to post an entry this february but I kept postponing it. It must be my recent obsession with NaijaStories, a networking site for budding authors and writers.

Anyhows...Valentine came and it buzzed all over the place...we were told to dress with a touch of red to work and get ready for a small party after early close of work blah blah blah...

Normally I always run from things like this but when I got home yesterday to learn that my little Timi was going to school in mufti with splashes of red along with a gift for her teacher and a selected friend, I had no choice but to fall in.

Timi all dressed for Val

Now the problem was that I didn't have anything with a splash or touch of red. Wifey had colonised all my shirts or polos with a touch of red so i just decided, what the hell...I'll go to work normally. Na by force to wear red?

Then Wifey went shopping and used the opportunity to see if she could help me get something. Eventually she found one -a striped polo from 'Bend-down-boutique'! She actually wanted to get me something from a shop but her eyes caught this polo and decided to go for it.

I had worn it and liked it before she told me where she had gotten it.

Then it was too late for me to start disagreeing with the choice of how she got it.

And so that's how I got a red striped polo for the Valentine office event. And it sure didn't look bad.

Happy Valentines Day to you all..most especially to the married couples!

Strong Face for Wedding - What happen?

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I was watching a VIP wedding on one of these TV magazine programmes a few years ago. The couple was obviously highly placed because of the caliber of individuals at the wedding ceremony. Their wedding ride was a Hummer owned by Dayo ‘D-One’ Adeneye, a popular TV show host. The wedding was lavish and you could see the bride all in smiles and so happy. But the groom wore a straight face and contrasted all the happiness blowing about him.

Was that his nature? I found it hard to believe.

Why do many grooms ‘bone’ on their wedding day? Are they pissed they finally got caught and tied down by their bride? Are they just scared of what lies ahead?

Then I watched Bridal Plasty – the reality show where brides are selected for a complete makeover. This fat bride underwent a complete makeover that included liposuction and tummy tuck. Eventually, she came out looking shapely and beautiful…

Still the groom wore a flat face as his super gorgeous bride walked down the aisle towards him. It was as if he was scared shitless about taking that big step, as if someone had told him to get married at gunpoint.

With all the money, with all the make-over for a better looking bride, these guys still don’t muster a smile or seem that happy.

And I’ve attended many weddings were I see the same scenario.

This is not to say that there aren’t men who are happy on their wedding days. I’ve seen weddings where the groom is so excited, it dwarfs his brides happiness. I once attended one where the groom did a street dance which included headspin, moonwalk and the split. He wowed the guests and made his bride blush with pride.

In my own case I was in the happy category, because my overly-careful parents who didn’t agree so easily eventually agreed to my choice of wife.



 



2012 begins...and I'm late about it. lol!

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Okay...I have been too late in making an official post for the new year. In fact I got too lazy to highlight issues concerning the recent strike.

Oh what the hell...at least I'm here opening the blog for the new year.

This is one year that's loaded with intense surprises...(and I'm not talking about Boko Haram bomb explosions!). Its going to be a GLORIOUS year.







So I say offiicially to you all from The Kush Chronicles...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!



Last Post for the Year 2011

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Saturday, December 31, 2011

Today marks the last day of the year 2011. Its been a totally awesome year of unlimited breakthroughs for me. Its been most memorable for a number of things most importantly the following:

1. The arrival of my first son and second child, A.Y.

 With elder sister Timi @ 3 months

With his elder sister Timi @ 7 months

2. My Kid brother's wedding

3. My Dad's ordination as a Deacon in church. 

4. My Bro-in-law gains admission into Landmark University
and becomes an outstanding student

There are many others which can't be pictorially represented. I had been bugging my mind over what to make of this last post and entry for the year until I came across this video by google seems like the best way to sum it all up. Though it may not have covered exactly everything, but the major fact here is that We made it through 2011...and for that I'm so grateful to God.

See you in 2012!

Driving in Lagos 101

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Every Nigerian who's ever lived in Lagos knows the streets and motorists are CRAZY. So I got this hilarious list some time back which I never remembered to post. Well...the holiday season seems like a good time for this to be put up! Get educated...and LOL your head off.

 

 
1. When in doubt, accelerate!


2. Be prepared to ram anything stoping you wearing uniform in Lagos (police, traffic warden,FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, lastma, lamata, laswa, even lawma sef)


3. If you get caught by any chance, DO NOT allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in DO NOT drive from that spot (vere off traffic & settle 5hun), and if they don’t agree, form calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to ANY sort of office except you wanna pay X10


4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date)

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. NEVER yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.


6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque


7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have NO brakes


8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25yrs.


9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.


10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!


11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way”in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.


13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend ur whole saturday @ the panel beater’s place.


14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first)

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.


16. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians ALWAYS claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.


17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.


18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.


20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bona fide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.


21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.


22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.


24. In Las Gidi every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.


25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire!!!


26. HORNING IN LAGOS

- ‘Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous manoeuvre.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

- ‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

- ‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

- ‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

- ‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

- ‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

- ‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

- ‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.


27. Don't take everything on this list too seriously!






Images Sources
Toonpool.com
Jamaicanpolice.com
Davegranlund.com
nigeriaplus.com
cartoonaday.com



5 Similarities Between Beer And Football

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Warning! You might find this post offensive if you are a soccer or beer lover!

So don't blast me for airing my opinion...lol!

People seemed to be under the spell of these two subject matters. I remember the day some guys invited me to drink with them and when I told them I don't drink they looked at me as if i had committed abomination and affirmed that I was not a 'guy'. (What ever the hell that meant!)

Then one day I'm seated at my desk and someone walks in and on seeing a match playing on the office TV asks me what I think about the match played between 'this team' and 'that team'. I told him I'm not into football and he looked at me as if I had made a sacriledgious statement. He even proded another guy to tell him 'Can you believe that he's not into football?'

That pissed me off. Seriously...what is the big deal with football? Why is it a do or die affair?

It got me thinking strongly. Eventually I came to the conclusion that soccer was just as pointless as alcohol with this list.

1. Both have ‘shrines’ where they are worshipped by loyalists. Visit beer parlours after work hours and you’re bound to see devotees of the green and brown bottles sitting at tables and engaging in the periodic ritual of alcohol consumption. Visit any soccer viewing centre during any Nigerian match or during the leagues or premierships, or just check out any shop that has a TV on display showing the match, you’ll find people glued to the screen and chattering over facts of the game like nothing mattered more in the world.


2. Both have nasty consequences when taken to the extreme. What is likely to happen when a disagreement or hot argument breaks out between fans of opposing football teams? And what happens when a beer drinker has had too much beer than he can take – especially if he has to drive home? I leave the rest to your imagination.

3. Both are addictive. I’ve seen the way some of my colleagues are anxious for the closing hours to draw near because they have urgent appointments at bars or beer parlours; I’ve seen how when someone is doing his or her birthday and shares soft drinks round, a number of guys feel insulted that no beer was offered as an option. And I’ve seen how a match that’s starting on TV can make guys in the office gather round a screen, forgetting where they are, forgetting who’s Oga and who’s junior. Place three or four guys that like soccer together in a room and give one of them a sports magazine, soon the room will turn into a football analysis and discussion arena.

4. Both are a waste of time that people don’t see as a waste of time. I think this is better understood if we were to define soccer and beer from another truthful point of view. So what is Soccer? It is an event where people pay to go and watch 20 or more grown men kick a piece of leather ball about. The players get paid for kicking the ball about. The fans don’t get paid for dancing, screaming and supporting. And beer? Beer is just water mixed with some extracts that is bottled and sold to people who think they need it. And while the breweries, bars and parlours are making good money, the drinkers are paying good money to get…well nothing, just drunken with disorders and pot-bellied.

5. Both are partners in crime. Seen the latest Naija Harp beer TV ad where three guys supporting a certain football club enter a bar filled with supporters of the opposing team watching the match on TV? The opposing team supporters look menacingly at them as they come in. Then they also order for a Harp which everyone happens to be drinking and that’s when they all break into smiles. It’s amazing how football too can make enemies unite together to achieve one aim – scream their heads off over how grown men kicking a leather ball can make some ‘meaningful’ impact. Picture this familiar scene: A match is about to start in a guy’s house. Friends come over to gather in the living room to watch…what else? Beer surfaces and they all settle down...usual huh?

Well...with these few yarns of mine I hope I've been able to confirm and not confuse you that beer and football get strange similarities!

10 Ways to avoid Naija Police from holding you up at a Checkpoint

Chronicled by Afronuts @ Tuesday, November 29, 2011

If you’ve ever driven about Lagos (Nigeria) a lot, chances are you’ve come across our ‘ambitious’ law enforcement officers in black who mount road blocks in different places on our highways and spend time doing what they call ‘stop and search’ routine – even when it was banned some time ago by their ‘Oga’.


There’s actually nothing wrong in stopping and searching motorists. But it would make more sense if this routine was because of some security threat or so.

Well, most times there are no security reasons for mounting a road block. As a matter of fact most police checkpoints are no different from illegally located kiosks hustling to make some cash.

And when you happen to be a motorist with all your documents complete, they look for a way to still peg an offence on you. The whole aim is to get you to bribe your way out of the unnecessary predicament. And even if they don’t succeed in pegging you down, they sure know how to waste your precious time over senseless issues.


So how can you stop police from stopping you at any checkpoint? Here are some tried tips that may work!

1. When approaching a checkpoint and you happen to have your girlfriend or spouse next to you, the two of you should deliberately start an argument and make sure its heated such that you’re yelling at each other. When the cops see you, they don’t bother stopping you. They don’t like being in the middle of domestic issues.



2. If you can afford to carry a kid or kids along on your trip, do so. They work like magic. Each time I carry little Timi and A.Y along, they dare not stop me. Children seem to charm them or maybe make them feel too guilty to stop a Parent and harass a bribe out of him or her.



3. This one works for you if you’re a Christian. Pop in a powerful message tape or CD by a powerful Pastor and get spiritual. If you get waved to stop, smile at the officer and say something like; ‘Good day my brother. How is work? You are blessed in Jesus name!’ and then offer him a tract of flier. You ask why? It’s because they see ‘men of God’ as ‘bad market’ because they will never give bribe since it is forbidden by God.







4. This one is similar to No. 2. When you’re with a heavily pregnant woman, they don’t waste time with you. Did I mention something earlier about staying away from personal domestic issues? This one sort of amplifies it, especially when you’re checking on the pregnant lady now and again to be sure that she’s okay. You might cut the picture that you’re hurrying someone in labour to the hospital.



5. If you have car that’s black or dark blue in color, stick a small flag on your dashboard or antenna or any other conspicuous place and wear a stern face when you drive. They’re usually apprehensive about stopping cars that might turn out to be a top ranking Police or military officer or a highly placed government official.

6. If you have a driver, always make sure you sit at the ‘owner’s corner’. This either creates the same effect as No. 5 or just creates the assumption that anyone who has a driver would probably make sure vehicle papers are updated because the driver would have complained about it.



7. If you have access to new model vehicle, drive it more often. Police love to target ‘tokuboh cars’ (imported used cars) since most of them are usually smuggled and would lack one paper or the other. Oh...and did you know that the Police have a way of knowing when you've just bought a 'tokunboh'? Yes...the secret lies in the numbers on your number plate.A brand new vehicle is just ‘bad market’ as it would come with everything needed to be documented. And then if you’re driving a new model that’s actually a ‘tokunboh’ then you're one lucky son of a gun!

8. Have some nicely grilled suya or something edible in the car and the moment the Police stops you, start eating it, greet him politely and offer him some. Don’t forget to say something like, ‘Well done oh officer! Please join me oh. I can’t finish this suya.’ He might laugh and have some or just wave you to go after just peeping your boot.



9. Just as you are about approaching a checkpoint, stop your car a few metres away, come down and walk towards the checkpoint to make inquiries from the officer about a road or area that you are trying to locate. After the officer(s) has finished giving you directions thank him or them wholeheartedly, get back into your car and drive off. They wouldn’t think of stopping you after you’ve appreciated them and made them so significant.



10. Once stopped at a checkpoint, smile politely at the officer and say, ‘Good day officer. Would you like to see my papers or should I drop something for the boys?’ Hey, it’s not a bribe, just you offering to drop a tip so they can leave you on time. Besides, it’s an offer that a hungry policeman can’t refuse.



I’ll still advise that you have all your papers complete should in case any of these tips fail. I’m not advocating for breaking the law oh. And I’m not guaranteeing that all of them will work all the time. See them just as strategies to get through time-wasting checkpoints.

Have any other strategies you use to keep the cops at bay at checkpoints? Let’s hear ‘em in your comments!



Images courtesy:
Kayode Ogundamisi
hrw.org
Associated Press